To think most people do not 'obsess' over why a woman is childfree?

[Eastie77Returns]

I know several women in their late 30s/early 40s who do not have children. I know one is not childfree by choice (close friend) but have no idea about the others apart from two who have actively chosen to share that they have never wanted kids. I do not spend any time at all wondering why the others do not have children. I assume they don't want them or, as is sadly the case of my friend, are unable to but it isn't something I dwell on or speculate about.

I've read multiple columnists in newspapers and articles in magazines in which child free women declare that the public at large, and mothers in particular, are 'obsessesed' with women who do not have children and it's exhausting having to constantly explain why you do not have any etc. They are fed up with the general assumption that they are selfish, career-mad, horrible child haters and this sentiment mostly comes from women who have kids. I have DC as do most of my friends. In my 10 years as a parent I have never had a conversation with any of them about 'selfish' childless women. Most of us completely understand why someone would prefer not to have kids!

I might be alone in thinking this but I honestly don't think most people really care about a woman's childbearing status. Obviously there are many ridiculous individuals who think it's ok to question a woman's choice and trott out BS like "you've never known true love/what tiredness really is until...." but I honestly think they are in the minority and the majority of mothers do not really care. Or am I being naive? My friends who are childfree by choice tell me they have occasionally been asked if they have kids but with rare exceptions have not been asked why not or any other follow up questions.

Few posters explained the burden thing well! Great job!

Yes very good point about the nuances to the word “burden”. And just to reiterate I am baffled as to why anyone would even ask other people whether or not they have children let along criticise or question their choices in any way!

Please point me to the posts on this thread where anyone has stated that they actually care that some women don’t have children. As in, it bothers and concerns them that complete strangers have chosen not to procreate.

There are people who are bothered about the way children are allegedly described on the Childfree board. That isn’t the the same as “it troubles me that childfree women exist”

Please point me to the posts on this thread where anyone has stated that they actually care that some women don’t have children. As in, it bothers and concerns them that complete strangers have chosen not to procreate.

The second reply to the OP, subsequently deleted, stated she felt sorry for people who have chosen not to procreate.

And this

Predictably this has become a thread dominated by child-free women telling the rest of us that we actually ARE obsessed with them and their very special specialness.

Not the reply of someone indifferent.

I haven't read all the comments as it seems like its turned into a predictable them vs us mess.

But from my own experience it lessened as I got older and tapered off completely once I hit my 40s, but in my 20s yes I definitely experienced all sorts of unwanted interest in my reproductive plans spanning from nosieness right up to being told I was letting God down as it's women's 'purpose' to have babies. No it wasn't everyone and no it wasn't all the time, but it was enough that it wasn't just one weird person.

However, I don't drink and it almost identically paralleled my experience with people's nosieness at that. So I don't think its about not having children as much as it is just that a lot of people can't fathom others having lives different to their own.

I've never really been bothered by it, but I can imagine for some people it might be quite upsetting.

When I had 3 children under 4 and worked full time in a highly pressured job with long hours I had endless needling negative comments about being a working mother. Then I gave up work and had just as many negative comments (if not more) about being a SAHM.

Learned not to give a damn about any one of them.

Yeah this is probably the reality of it! People are just annoying haha.

Totally agree. Your obsessed with it to post.

Gosh, what a wonderful example of a non-judgemental CF person you are, able to tell what kind of parent I am through an off-hand comment to an adult Internet stranger!

Yes I did refer to the child free lifestyle/Internet groups/attitude which bleeds into non-CF groups as a whole, and what of it? This thread was started about a CF person who wasn't posting on MN, why would my reply be talking only about CF MN posters?

This!

And, I think there's norw judgement thrown at single child parents. I was always asked why I choose to have only one.

You might not care but some women do. My sil constantly asks her dil when she is giving her grandchildren. I have also heard some mothers saying to childfree women you don't know what love is until you have a child.
Your use of obsessed is a strawman. But some mothers do say these things to childfree women.

🤣

I think most people significantly overestimate other people’s interest in them.

I apparently once avoided a public telling off in cafe for something I hadn't even noticed.

Waiting at table, with child related baggage, for my DC to come back from toilets noticed man to edge of field of view getting agitated and starting to get up. PFB skips back noticed what I haven't a women bf a very young baby - says loudly oh mummy that lady is bf you did that for us and you did it for years - there's me indoor voice don't comment on others are we ready to leave and DH trailing behind kids being odd.

Told me on the way out he'd been passing by their table on way back apparently man was on his way to angrily "educate" me and comically deflated with pfb loud words. They'd apparently not noticed kids eating or visible evidence I was waiting for others and assumed I must be looking and judging them.

It stuck with me because I'd not long stopped bf after years of snide comments from family and surprisingly many ignorant ones from HCP and it's not like my kids to have such perfect timing. Hopefully the couple learnt people don't always notice or care and felt more comfortable in future.