To think most people do not 'obsess' over why a woman is childfree?

[Eastie77Returns]

I know several women in their late 30s/early 40s who do not have children. I know one is not childfree by choice (close friend) but have no idea about the others apart from two who have actively chosen to share that they have never wanted kids. I do not spend any time at all wondering why the others do not have children. I assume they don't want them or, as is sadly the case of my friend, are unable to but it isn't something I dwell on or speculate about.

I've read multiple columnists in newspapers and articles in magazines in which child free women declare that the public at large, and mothers in particular, are 'obsessesed' with women who do not have children and it's exhausting having to constantly explain why you do not have any etc. They are fed up with the general assumption that they are selfish, career-mad, horrible child haters and this sentiment mostly comes from women who have kids. I have DC as do most of my friends. In my 10 years as a parent I have never had a conversation with any of them about 'selfish' childless women. Most of us completely understand why someone would prefer not to have kids!

I might be alone in thinking this but I honestly don't think most people really care about a woman's childbearing status. Obviously there are many ridiculous individuals who think it's ok to question a woman's choice and trott out BS like "you've never known true love/what tiredness really is until...." but I honestly think they are in the minority and the majority of mothers do not really care. Or am I being naive? My friends who are childfree by choice tell me they have occasionally been asked if they have kids but with rare exceptions have not been asked why not or any other follow up questions.

I don’t think my opinion invalidates experiences.

I said I don’t think most women with children are obsessed with or particularly concerned about women who don’t have children. I was asking if anyone shared that view.

Of course judgement exists about child-free women. I didn’t say that wasn’t the case.

The post was on the childfree forum. There is a lot more to MN than just a parenting site.

You seem to have an issue with it but yes in general people are. Just look at child free celebs and how they get asked every interview. Society is fixated on women having children

I’m no expert but it took us 3 (stressful) years after we married to conceive and I was amazed how many acquaintances in that time felt free to ask me “Do you think you’ll have children.” I didn’t want to discuss infertility with randoms and I certainly didn’t want to discuss a ttc timetable at work!

And one woman asked endlessly, over and over, apparently forgetting that I had told her many times we were struggling to concieve.

People are dumb.

When you are self conscious about something I thin you imagine other people are trying to figure it out. When you're no longer self-conscious about it, you realise 95% of people just accept you with kids without kids, married, un married, loser a-hole boyfriend.
Actually, before I had the courage to leave him, I imagined everybody thought I deserved better and wondered 🤔 why oh why I was with him. Later I realised that a people pleaser with an impossible to please man is text book stuff. Common garden variety mediocre relationship. Nobody notices really.

I don’t watch celeb interviews but I find it difficult to believe famous women are routinely bluntly asked “why don’t you have children?” Surely any interviewer who asked that would be ripped to shreds?

We are

And interviewers do it for a reason. It's not a norm hence voewera will be interested

That waa supposed to say "we normal ones are" 😂 I am not famous

I mainly see it from misogynistic men, not women.

and this attitude of “you’re something to be pitied because you made a different choice to me,” is a problem.

you can keep your pity and save it for someone who actually needs it. Imagine if it was the other way around and child free by choice people felt sorry for you for having kids?

@CleverLilViper I don't think anyone pities you because you don't have kids. That's kind of the whole point of the thread.... why do you think anyone cares if you have kids or not?

I can’t have kids. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been asked when I’m having them, been told my biological clock is ticking, why don’t I have any yet, the list goes on and on. You might not feel inclined to ask yourself, but society as a whole is very geared towards wanting to know a woman’s reproductive status. It’s so hurtful.

Who? Where?

I mean women judge women for just being single, so no suprise that they judge childfree one’s too.

Who tells them this???

To be fair that poster was literally replying to someone who said she would pity a child-free woman whether it was by her own choice or not.

There is a portion of people who judge but it's more like "id be too scared to be non-conforming myself, and I can't accept you are braver than I am, so to avoid feeling admiration, I'll judge you". This is the thought process of somebody completely lacking in self-awareness, and most people do have some self-awareness.

I know when I was younger I felt judged for being single. Couldn't give a monkeys now, if conservative people are pitying me, so me it. They can do that.

To be fair that poster was literally replying to someone who said she would pity a child-free woman whether it was by her own choice or not.

@MiddleParking think that's a troll though no? I mean in real life, how many times do people actually mention your child free status? Really?

People.

I don't know anyone who is bothered in real life, but noticed a lot of odd comments to child free people on Instagram. It surprised me.

A childfree friend of mine said that she felt continuously judged by other women for not having children. I admit I was a bit shocked. I love being a Mum but I have never thought to question why someone else would choose not to have children. You only get one life, live it in a way that makes you happy. I have also never heard another mother talk in a judgemental way about a childfree woman. But I guess as others have said, just because I have never felt this way does not mean that the feelings of childfree women who experience judgement are not valid.

You know sometimes there are posts about "I'm pg and want to tell the world but SIL can't have dch/has just had a mc and I feel guilty" (or the other way round - friend is pg and I can't have dch)? Well, I feel a bit like that around childfree friends because I've seen how one of them reacts if any of us mention our dch - it obviously hurts that she couldn't have dch (she told me IVF had failed). So this is the reason that I like to know if someone has kids or not - so that I don't wade in with my size nines about how hard work/wonderful kids are in front of someone who would've loved to have them but couldn't.

But no, I'm otherwise not interested in why people don't have kids. It's none of my business and boring anyway. I'd much rather talk about interesting stuff now that I've got my childrearing years out of the way.

I don't think you quite understood my post. I haven't said that you have written those things, I'm questioning your motivation and the relevance of your opinion in the face of those women's lived experiences.

I had a similar conversation recently with a guy who couldn't fathom that just because he wasn't sexually harassing women/his friends weren't sexually harraasing women that didnt mean the issue of sexual harassment is overblown. Enough women had experienced sexual harassment to say there was a problem with it, it's a widespread problem and at a societal level.

That's the kind of attitude that seems (to me) to be at the core of your post.