To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

[evuscha]

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

First of all, I never said my 4yo never made a mistake during the entire visit - obviously she is a pretty standard child who makes sounds, runs, has plenty of energy, tests boundaries or says no sometimes. No she is not a perfectly obedient robot who doesn’t make a beep unless asked to speak or who immediately performs every single request asked right away. However, she never once was rude to the said friend or us, didn’t have any tantrums (even though obviously all 4 year olds sometimes have them), wasn’t constantly obnoxious or anything really that would warrant a guest (who isn’t a parent or isn’t in charge) to constantly reprimand her. I’m not sure what would justify this actually, what do you think I’m hiding by “engineering the thread”, that in reality my DD was kicking the guest the whole time, screaming and shouting swearwords while we sat there saying nothing? Because that obviously didn’t happen (and if her behavior was that bad, then why the guest didn’t leave? - plenty of hotels nearby). Why would I even need to lie in order to manipulate the thread, that’s ridiculous - it’s not like the outcome of the thread will decide our future.

I also never said that “noone childless should ever have opinions on children” - anyone can have opinions on children - but to give out parenting advice implying that they would be a better parent, without actually ever experiencing parenting, is something quite different. I was once a childless person too and I also had some unrealistic expectations of what parents should do about their kids, or found other people’s kids too loud/unruly/whatever (though I managed to keep those thoughts to myself without lecturing the actual parents).

I actually hate it when other people tell my DC off. I am the parent. I will tell them off if they need to be told off. If I am absent (in a different room etc) then I am fine with someone else who is present having a word with them, but I do not appreciate someone else standing next to me telling my DC off. If they need to be reprimanded then I will do it. If I have not reprimanded them then it is because I don’t think it’s necessary.

SIL does this all the time. And I HATE IT! She seems to enjoy it. She tells them off for things I think are ridiculous! Example: they came to visit me in my holiday cottage. I gave my DD a cookie. She was walking round the kitchen eating it. My SIL suddenly says “what do you think you’re doing?” To which my DD looks at her blankly (as do I actually, as I have no idea what my DD has done this time!) and SIL continues “walking around eating!!! Sit down to eat! You’ll drop crumbs if you don’t and someone will have to clean those up!” This is MY DD in MY holiday cottage (which will be left exceptionally tidy and clean as always).

Personally I often stand to eat. And walk about. I’m not one of those people who makes a huge deal of sitting together and eating and waiting til everyone has their food and then waiting until everyone has finished. I have ADHD, so do my DC. My DD actually often needs to get up in the middle or immediately after eating and burn off some energy. It’s absolutely fine for other families, including my SIL, to have a different way of eating food/meals, but I don’t think a stern telling off was at all necessary for MY child in MY lodgings. If she drops some crumbs I’ll ask her to pick them up. Not a problem. SIL seems to actively enjoy telling my DC off for random things which I’m not at all bothered about. It really upsets me. I wish I could say something. But I’m too much of a coward and she gets offended very easily so it would cause a problem. Conversely if I were to tell her DD off (I wouldn’t obvs!) she would be immediately defensive and annoyed and say “DD hasn’t done anything wrong!”

I don't even parent my grandchildren, they have their own sets of parents. We dó follow the leads our children give us, will indeed say yes or no to the same things our children do. We got to choose how we raised our children, they have the same right to make their choices with their own family. And yes, I often take care of my grandchildren - please don't call it babysitting. They behave with me like they do with their parents. And yes, I correct them when needed (please use your napkin, don't throw your toys please, no more television today, wash your hands.....) but that is a continuation of the parenting done by their own parents, my children. It's not something separate I impose on them.

I wouldn’t invite her again. Your home, your child. She was out of order.

Your SIL indeed sounds exactly like my DH’s friend, both in that enjoyment she obviously gets from reprimanding them (or pointing out “your parents obviously let you get away with it but I won’t”), and the randomness of those perceived crimes (why should it matter to her how your DD eats her cookie if you clearly don’t mind?).

You sound like a wonderful grandparent! My mum looked after my sister’s kids and very much followed her lead in parenting too, even if she personally had different preferences. That is the ideal scenario, although if my parents or in-laws had stricter requirements and I still chose to have them in charge of my kids, then I would have to be ok with that too I suppose - just like when school has their methods of discipline. But a guest in our own home thinking she can override our parenting, and to do that all weekend, just really drove me crazy.

You’ve come in here looking for validation, because your husband wasn’t overly supportive of your version of events. That’s why you’ve fabricated the events to suit your narrative.

So going off your theory on childfree people. Are you saying a teacher can’t teach or discipline children if they are childfree? Or they are less skilled than, for example, you?

The irony being, you’re using an example of once being childfree in your twenties to compare yourself to someone in their 50s being childfree in knowing what they are thinking - without actually experiencing it.

Loopylemon2 why is OP “fabricating events”?

And the irony of you claiming that I’ve engineered and fabricated this thread, without actually reading it, since you’re repeating points I’ve already addressed re: childless childcare professionals and people in charge (which she is neither anyway).

I’m really not quite sure what do you think I’m hiding or engineering or whatever, what do you want me to say, or which parts are made up - and it’s not like I’m going to show this thread to DH to prove my point (wouldn’t he then see it’s all fabricated then? He was there!) so what validation? I simply wanted to know if I’m too sensitive or if it’s out of line when a guest keeps putting your child down and acts like she knows better than parents in your own home. Turns out, most people agree - and don’t feel the need to keep saying that “the events must have been different than the OP says” - just answer based on what is in the post, that is what I am looking for a perspective on.

But if you’re just looking to put someone down to brighten your day, maybe just start your own thread or something. I made a mistake of engaging with your comment when you clearly just want to argue.

But you have engineered your side of the story to suit you. It’s not a fair balance or representation of what happened in the sheer way you position it and your responses throughout with snarky remarks. I don’t need you to admit it, I’m just pointing it out.

You appear to fall into the ‘poor me’ stance very quickly. Firstly with the original situation - is it me, am I being unreasonable. Now with me - I’m putting you down - when I’ve not put you down at all. Simply speaking my mind, just as you have.

You’ve come on here inviting opinions and opening up your situation to strangers, but unless they adhere to your narrative you don’t like it and want pity (much like the original situation). This smacks of being a bit manipulative.

All I did was point out you were discriminating in order to set a scene, which I don’t think is right, and that your story doesn’t make sense.

Discriminating 🤦‍♀️🙄

Actually on the topic of parenting, about 20 years ago (!) DM had a single mother friend who had a baby who came to her house a lot especially on Sundays for lunch. DM had two young cats then and the child as she got older would chase them which they didn’t like. DM mentioned she might have don’t do that once but otherwise she didn’t parent the child as not her place.

And in this case I would understand - it was her house her rules, and somebody (the cats) was getting harmed, both of these I would absolutely understand if the other adult interferes! (in fact I mentioned earlier we stayed at this friend’s house and I was fine with her telling DD to be quiet, not to run, etc)

However, generally speaking, why should a random guest in OUR house decide how to parent our child and which (minor) things deserve a telling off? (let alone the other unkind and sarcastic remarks)

I'd tell her to eff off. She sounds like a twat.

We now accept that time out is for the adults to calm themselves and not for the kids. If you use time out knowing this then that is legit....better to recognise you need this time to gather yourself.
No 4 year old has sat and reflected on their behaviour. If they haven't the capacity to self regulate (which they are not likely to have at that age) then they will simply stew in their despair until the adrenaline dissipates. We now understand this is not helpful so do not recommend it to parents.
I didn't like people chastising my kids because I saw it as a criticism of my parenting. It's a hard one to square when you are doing it all day everyday and no one congratulates you on your skills and patience and creativity, just picks you up on what they see as your failings.
But maybe that was me overthinking back then. These days I'd speak up more. I care less what people think.

British children are never pains in the ass.

They are pains in the arse

@Loopylemon2 It’s not discriminating - OP isn’t a service provider and maternal status isn’t a protected characteristic. Also OP wouldn’t have accepted the remarks from a parent either. She’s just more annoyed as they’ve come from someone less used to/experienced with kids than she is.

You’re giving us childfree people a bad name here.

... parent them?

@fitzwilliamdarcy - discrimination isn’t limited to HR and the workplace. Discrimination means acting/treating people differently from others.

If the OP wouldn’t accept the behaviour off a parent, why mention the parental status at all? And if it’s to do with used to/experience with kids, would that make every new parent/teacher/caregiver opinions invalid as well? Has everyone got to state their credentials/demographic profiles prior to casting an opinion so we can judge their validity?

If so then the internet is not the place for you my friend.

Whilst I’m flattered you think I can tarnish the reputation of an entire community, I’d like to give credit to most people for taking my opinions as my opinion alone lol.

Loopylemon2 you sound off your rocker banging on about discrimination! FGS. She is saying given the “friend” in question has no children of her own and does not provide childcare in a professional capacity, she doesn’t particularly value this woman’s view on parenting. I work in a particular field. If someone with no experience of this field tried to tell me how to do my job I would think “what the bloody hell do you know about x? You don’t work in my field. You can have an opinion, sure. But it carries not much weight with me!” That’s not discrimination.

You ask “If the OP wouldn’t accept the behaviour of a parent, why mention the parental status at all?” Because it is one thing to have an annoying friend of relative (see my earlier post) who tries to interfere and parent in the way they parent their own children, but another to be undermined by someone who doesn’t have any children and has no idea how they would actually parent. Maybe this friend would understand that when you’re parenting children 24 hours a day that you choose your battles.

I've only read about half of your posts OP but I just wanted to say you haven't failed your DD, you will still be showing her that she doesn't have to put up with being treated like that simply by never having that woman to stay again, which you've already said you won't. If DD remembers her when she's older she will also remember that she was never allowed to come back and do it again so don't beat yourself up for what's already gone, it's what you do going forward that matters

Nope. I wouldn't have this. This house guest is massively over stepping here. She's enjoying nit picking every little thing.

@Loopylemon2 I'm really sorry that you feel discriminated against in this conversation, but I have to say I don't think it does sound like OP's exaggerating or like her daughter was behaving particularly badly. I mean she might be I guess - I wasn't there. But would you feel the same if OP had said everything she's said, but without mentioning that her friend doesn't have children?

she sounds like a dick

this comment made me feel sad for your DD - my nearly 4 year old would very much want to home hands with a houseguest

how horrible of her

Passive aggressive madam! Don't wait for your husband to speak up. Tell her if she tries in any way to reprimand/ correct your daughter again ,she better have her bag packed because you will be showing her the fast route out!