To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

[evuscha]

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

Yeah, exit the chat @evuscha it shows you’re done and cuts off contact so she won’t be able to worm her way in again.

that bloody woman KNEW what she was doing and when you didn’t reply she tried to unsettle you/dh by pushing it and stirring it up with dh, forcing you into a position

she’s given you the perfect out now tbh

When similar happened to me, (we were on holiday) and she I was fairly sure it was the other woman's way of trying to stamp ownership over the situation. She was someone dh had known (but not seen for around 5 years, nor had particularly known well) before I had met him.
I think she was trying to say that she was so comfortable in his presence that she "naturally" slipped into acting like his partner/dd's mum. She was definitely trying to give off a "we know each other so well vibe and you're the newcomer" to me. She wanted to only talk about people they had known back then/things they had done. Dh is the wrong person to try that with as he's more likely to have forgotten he saw someone yesterday than remember a random conversation he had 7 years ago.
When he said to her that we were just having some quiet "family time" her reaction was firstly along the lines of "fantastic, I'll come in" and when he said no, she suggested taking dd out with him and leaving me behind.
Dh doesn't tend to spot that sort of thing as being anything other than innocent, but he did tell her that wasn't happening.

I reckon H might - just might - cotton on to how he needs to up his game when it comes to backing you and your kids @evuscha

That’s funny, this one also liked to point out to DD that “she knows daddy longer than you, and longer than your mummy knows him” 🙄 They see each other once a year and even when they lived in the same city they would usually meet up once in a while and in a group setting anyway, but sure…
Good for your DH to stand up to her!

Yes, sounds similar.

In Dh's case he hadn't really known her well-I think they'd been on a couple of kids camps together or similar, and he was quite happy to catch up, but she wanted to totally latch on the whole time. She'd also just had a break up from boyfriend, which she wanted to tell dh in detail (showing how little she knew him because that sort of thing he hates) so I was a little suspicious of her motives too.

I don't think dh was totally standing up though, as I said he's totally naïve round things like that, it was that he was enjoying having time together, as we wanted on holiday.

I do admit to "accidentally" losing the piece of paper she wrote her address on so "he could invite her to stay". I don't think he even noticed.

I think/really hope he does! Despite my complaints - and I know he doesn’t come across very well from this thread and I’m still annoyed with him - he does have many great qualities and generally tries to take things on board and learn from situations, even if it sometimes takes a minute. He has gotten much better at nipping any comments from in-laws in the bud (though it’s easier there, in-laws are generally nice and pretty reasonable).

One thing he said, and it’s not an excuse but I do believe him - is that he’s not confident enough in his parenting, not sure what approach is best and what to do in some situations with DD - he generally follows my lead/my way of dealing with things (which is good because we are consistent and back each other up in front of DD). So when someone criticizes his parenting he wouldn’t think “shut up person, that’s none of your business” but he would think “hmm they probably have a point”. I am the default parent (he works long hours) so I have more experience with DD and therefore am more confident that I’m doing things right (well to the best of my ability, I’m not perfect obviously).
He also said that because he had a happy low conflict upbringing, he just doesn’t spot these digs or takes things as criticism. I had my share of situations growing up where my mum wouldn’t back me up or where people were overly critical of me as a small child so I am definitely aware of what that does to one’s confidence. But I also told him that it shouldn’t take a genius to know that not getting off their case with someone else’s small child for 48 hours right in front of their parents just isn’t normal.

Hahaha, genius move with the address 😀 and yeah I suppose that men often don’t see those subtle things that women do or say, but we can spot them a mile away.

Also a good point about her motives…although that isn’t my concern at all in my case, they never dated and they’re sooo different in their lifestyle, personality and just about everything (DH is “too boring” as she likes to point out) that sometimes I wonder why they’re even friends. She has probably been a closer friend with me lately than with DH actually, which is also why I’m not sure why she threw it all away that weekend for a bit of an ego boost - I’m most definitely done with her.

Hey, I still feel bad about a few things I did or failed to do when DS1 was small, and he's old enough to have fathered my 3 DGC now so... these things do torture us, it's called mum guilt and I don't think most of us completely get over it! Just keep loving them and bringing them up the best you can. If DD mentions any aspect of that hideous weekend just answer her kindly and as honestly as is age-appropriate (e.g. "Yes, that wasn't very kind, but even grown-ups don't always behave as well as they should", sort of thing).

I wondered whether nasty friend had actually found this thread... some poster a few days ago by name of Loopy Lemon or similar... seemed very adamant that your account of events wasn't how it happened at all. Who would say it like that unless they had actually been there? Not that I'm inclined to disbelieve your perspective, I know one or two people like that and sometimes they genuinely don't realise how very abrasive they come across - sometimes.

Good point!! 😀 But I think Loopy lemon seemed to suggest that I have fabricated the events to make myself look good and my child must be a brat, whereas this friend of DH’s now keeps saying how amazing DD is and doesn’t seem to think she was critical or anything (“I talk too much but I didn’t mean to offend”, “I know I say too much sometimes, that’s how my Italian mother taught me” - 🙄) so I don’t think they’re the same person.

I think this friend does realize her comments were a bit much but just genuinely doesn’t see anything wrong with it. “Tell it like it is” and all that. I’m glad I finally had a chance to tell her this attitude won’t fly with me, she probably just thinks I’m over sensitive but if she keeps pushing with asking if we’re good or similar (assuming she thinks her non apology actually worked) I am now more than happy to explain to her in detail that I think her attitude is wrong and why, and that it wasn’t just a case of me feeling a bit off with my pregnancy hormones.

@Loopylemon2 your comments say WAY more about you and your motives for posting than about OP. I'm so sorry that you feel you have to make these accusations to feel better about yourself and create validation for your batshit theories.
@evuscha I know this is an old-ish thread, but I really feel like I want to say you're amazing, your wee lass sounds awesome (especially her sticky mitts!😂), your DH will get there (sounds a wee bit wet but lovely nonetheless!), and that bint needs to 'do one'! x

YABU to decide her behaviour is a result of being ‘single and childless’ when in fact it’s quite obvious she’d be a dick whether she had a partner/kids or not.

@sashadjas and @PostItInABook LMAO!

You speak your truth that fits your agenda/narrative as clearly you’ve a lot of time on your hands to wade in on a thread from weeks ago 😂

Off you pop!