To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

[evuscha]

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

The AIBU topic is notorious for attracting people who just want to goad or start a fight.
I don’t believe for a second that most of the people who say YABU would be fine with being treated like this woman treats you and your child. Some of them are without doubt people like DH’s friend anyway. The vast, vast majority voted YANBU in any case.

The friend was out of order, but I dont understand why you won't speak to her.
You're showing your daughter that her mum won't defend her or stick up for her. It's irrelevant who's friend she is.

Yes I agree with that (as I said in previous posts) and it’s also why I keep posting and dwelling on it and feeling bad - I know I should have shown DD that I had her back.

It sounds like a twisted attempt to either “prove” herself as a person (giving you, your daughter parenting advice) and/or this covers up the regret that she’s not had children.

It’s a pity she says it like she is and won’t change because you’re well within your rights not to see her again. Same goes for you visiting her house. Your DH can visit her but without you and your DC.

As I said before most proper family friends both male and female don’t behave this way. If they did (one of my stepdad’s close friends teased me a bit too much and was a bit too in my face as a 12 year old, luckily my stepdad and mum told him off and that his behaviour wasn’t acceptable.

I’d just have a quiet chat about this to your DD. Apologise to her and say it was wrong of this woman to speak to her the way she did and tell her sincerely that you are very sorry you didn’t stick up for her and say anything and it will never happen again.

Also don’t feel bad. Your DH should’ve intervened as it is his friend but it sounds like you were so shocked at her speaking to your DD like this that you froze and didn’t know what to do. There’s nothing wrong with this.

Many people don't even bother to read past the title before voting, I've noticed. Also you later posts give much more detail and people probably vote before reading all the posts from the OP.

Ohhh, was i not supposed to let DD choose music in the car? Think of the hours we could have saved ourselves from wildly singing along with Sofia the First! No I’m not still singing it over ten years later…

My DD loves Disney songs, learned to sing a bunch of them and we just sing along on our car trips (she’s Elsa and I’m Anna in the Frozen duets, obviously). I don’t hate them, actually it’s an improvement since the previous nursery rhymes stage 😀We do listen to grownup music too (though DD always wants to discuss the lyrics) but DH’s friend made some sarcastic comments about my songs too so I don’t think I could have won that one anyway .

Fair enough I should have included more of those examples, including those of DD’s crimes, in the OP. I did simply want to know at first if it’s normal when someone parents your child right in front of you in your own home while not being in charge of them, generally speaking. But I do appreciate it would be different if a child throws things at the guest/is rude/destroys something while parents sit there doing nothing. (happens to me with some of my friends and their kids, kind of - I still don’t go on and on about their terrible parenting to them)

The fact that she’s picking on you letting DD choose
music in the car says to me she is someone who just has a lot of hypothetical ideas about what constitutes discipline and little practical experience. And I grew up in the slap happy 80s, we still got to choose music in the car, although it was between Tubular Bells or a T-Rex album 🤣

I think while my parents never used any harsh discipline methods, no spanking no timeouts, I wasn’t actually given much choice in things or shown that anyone cares about my opinion when I was little/young (early 90’s).
But I am a people pleasing adult now who certainly could do with more confidence and belief that my voice matters 🤷‍♀️ it probably would have helped me in dealing with people like this, advancing my career etc.

This exactly.

She’s thankfully long gone now and I’m not planning to have her stay over here again, I suppose I’m just wondering

1. whether I should make excuses about being busy to avoid drama, or also “tell her like it is” next time she asks to stay - tempting but I also doubt she will suddenly realize she was wrong and will instead see it as the hysterical wife meddling in her DH’s friendship
2. whether I should just not have her stay over but meet up for dinner as a family with her, or just refuse to see her full stop. Part of me wants to avoid her and not let her come near DD and the future baby. Another part of me wants to finally pull her up on her behavior, when she inevitably does it again next time.

She's shown she's not a family friend OP. She's your DH friend at best - but questionable. I mean does he even like her? If he met her now would they be friends? I'd let him see her on his own.

I fucking hate it when people try to parent my child whilst I am there and dealing with it.. if I'm otherwise occupied they can crack on within reason!

I do have one wonderful friend who is very trusted and calm and an early year's professional who can calm my autistic son down so much better than me (she says we are too alike and both get stressed which actually has helped me massively to deal with his meltdowns). Weirdly I also have a similar connection with one of her children so it's grand when we are all out together!!

When other people aren't around my kids are fine but I swear I'm company they totally turn into gremlins!

Tell your husband he can see her whenever/ whatever, but not near the house or children ever again.

Let HIM deal with the rude PITA.

I wouldn't give it any further thought.

She is nothing to you going futher or your little 4 year old.

My absolute pet hate is discrimination against someone because they’re childless. There is no Harry Potter school of parenting that you attended making your judgement any better than anyone else’s. We all have opinions and differences in styles of doing things with or without children.

You’ve also engineered your posts to make the woman sound horrendous and unreasonable. From the digs about being childless to the comments about the ‘good old days’, or that she doesn’t like children (despite being a nanny in the past) so I have every reasonable expectation that your child’s behaviour is a little extra, given yours. Monkey see, monkey do.

Reading between the lines it sounds like the woman made a few comments in conversation or to make conversation and you’ve taken offence as nobody should challenge you or your 4yo. You’ve amplified the comments and circumstances to suit your narrative, which is to cause drama, gaining validation to not have your husbands mate over again.

In all truth, the visitor is likely thinking she’ll also politely make excuses to not visit you again as it sounds like a far from delightful experience. So win/win.

“Part of me wants to avoid her and not let her come near DD and the future baby. Another part of me wants to finally pull her up on her behavior, when she inevitably does it again next time.”

Just keep away from this toxic person. You have nothing to gain by hosting her again with the intention of pulling her up. Firstly she would get more opportunities to upset you and your child and insult your husband. Secondly, you admit you’re a people pleaser, so you’ll struggle to pull her up and your husband will give you zero support.

Please ignore the spiteful goady nonsense that someone posted a little while ago.

Yes I think you’re right about that. It will probably be next summer when she’s in our area again and I would probably end up just as helpless in standing up to her (it’s just now while it’s fresh that I know what I’d say)…and while DH says he will do better I don’t imagine he actually will pull her up on it properly either, in order to keep peace. It’s probably best to keep that distance and keep the drama away.

Oh and yeah the previous post is amusing and clearly triggered about the “childless” comment. Since there are about 100 posts on this thread saying the opposite - that the house guest was indeed rude and actually I should have done more to protect DD - I’m going to believe those. (and also admit that I was a pushover, yes - it’s not like I’m only siding with those posts that paint me positively, or not accepting any feedback)

You just proved my point 😉

Well, I was a childless woman with zero experience of kids until I had my own at nearly 42, and I never minded listening to kids' songs in the car, and I'd never have told a 4 year old off for stepping on my towel or refused to hold their hand.

Exactly this. Most of my friends are childfree and have never disciplined kids or made comments without just cause, so it all sounds just a little bit exaggerated. Especially as the OP is making out her 4yo didn't once make a mistake for the entirety of visit. Like a lot of internet stories there's been some vital facts missed out on this one.

Plus, I'm not ashamed of saying it does trigger me that in a time when we are trying to cease people from being discriminatory towards other people for their lifestyle choices, the visitor is in her 50’s and childfree is a laboured point throughout by the OP and gives the silent representation that they can have no opinion on children. Discrimination is discrimination.

Yes I agree, and I actually have a few childless friends that are kind to my DD and (appear to) enjoy her company. I was also childless once and probably less into kids back then - yet I managed to be nice to my friends’ kids and stay away from giving them parenting advice.
Never on this thread I meant to imply “all childless people are mean to kids”.

YANBU

We had MIL for a month and within 24 hours she was trying to parent DD (13) me and DH
and it was all just on difference on how we live - just not to her standard of anything so not her place to comment at all.
From we dont take out our recycling 3 times a day and we plate our tacos different to her to DD isnt 'girly' enough and poking her about getting a boyfriend

The off hand comments in that 'MY way is right way' tone but to anyone outside the seem like nothing, but you know the tone and what it means for that person and they are digs at what or how your doing something

Was infuriating, so much so she wont be staying here next time and DH is questioning if he could handle caring for her when the time comes

Like if a kid is being rude, dangerous or the like then yeah other adults should feel ok to step in but just leave shit be on the day to day stuff