To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

[evuscha]

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

Your house guest was a boor and I would never, ever have her to stay again.

I'd be very tempted to get in touch with her and say "if you visit us again I think it would be better to stay in some local hotel so you can get away from the hurly burly of family life and unwind at the end of the day".

It would be the equivalent of giving her a much needed time out.

Your husband must know this woman very very well to invite her to stay with you. If I thought she was gonna harm your childs mental well-being I'd say maybe talk to husband but you haven't spoke about the behaviour your child has.
I live with loads of family, and sometimes I have to let her know that she has a responsibility to respect and treat everyone well so she's grows up to be a tolerable human! I hate it especially but I know that these lessons are good for her, however if someone over steps I do often hand them their arse on a platter.

I do agree with you that she has to behave respectfully and I think I have said multiple times on this thread that if she was being rude/disrespectful/hurtful to the friend or it was an issue of safety, by all means the friend should step in. Likewise if the friend was in charge of DD or we were guests at her house (happened in past and of course DD had to fully respect her rules). I would even understand if she was just backing me up in a “do what mummy just said” way. But it wasn’t like that, it was constant overriding our parenting over trivial things just for the sake of it.

I know it’s my child so I’m biased but I am around plenty of 4yr olds to know her behavior is pretty standard. If anything DD was better behaved than usual (because I assume she felt that tension). No meltdowns or tantrums or rudeness or anything extreme involved and we dealt with things as we normally do - warning, then consequences. She stopped after warning.

Examples of her offenses:

• DD’s very chatty so tried to talk to the friend while the friend was talking to me (and stopped and waited after being reminded but she is still learning that she needs to let others finish talking first and was just very excited to tell her things)
• Generally running around and playing/singing in her own home - apparently she has too much energy and “sucks the energy out of the friend”
• Not performing every command right away and pushing back before finally doing it (e.g. put your PJs on - “no not yet”)
• Accidentally kicking the front seat in the car where the friend was sitting (usually it’s just me & DD in the car and so the front seat is never this far back, she wasn’t kicking on purpose but was just stretching her legs - I was sitting next to her so I saw, and then was reminding her to keep her feet down which she did) - I think tis is the one that got her the “don’t you ever do that again” and apparently “it was funny how terrified DD looked at her” because we’re clearly not strict enough and she’s not used to “death stares like that”
• Accidentally walking over her towel a couple of times on the beach getting sand on it (not throwing it on purpose, hell it happens to me sometimes too that I step on the towel and get sand on it)
• DD picking the music in the car half of the time (grown up music the other half), apparently she’s not the boss so letting her pick is crazy (plus obviously DD’s music is horrible so why should we listen to it)
• And then some very random instances of things like DD wanting to hold friend’s hand and friend saying “no hold your mummy’s I don’t like sticky kids hands”, or DD proudly singing a song then asking the friend if she liked her singing and friend responding “oh I wasn’t listening to you“…. I don’t know, just general unkindness towards DD throughout the weekend
• And apart from reprimanding DD, always some digs at our parenting like “mummy and daddy let you get away with it but I wouldn’t” or “you should get timeouts, noone wants a timeout”

I’m sure I will get attacked by some posters saying that yes obviously DD shouldn’t do these things and the friend was justified, but imho 1. Yes DD is a standard 4yo, not a perfect one, and that’s ok, and 2. Apart from extreme behavior I don’t think any random guest should override our parenting when we’re right there.

I think I will try to stay away from drama and when she asks to stay again, I will politely say that since she seemed to have struggled with DD’s presence and our parenting last time, it’s probably for the best if they just meet up alone with DH and leave me & kids out of it.

The whole weekend left a really sour taste in my mouth and I just don’t want DD to be around her again, unfortunately I don’t think DH would step up sufficiently next time either, but I will keep DD safe & keep her away.

I think it's less about the friend telling the child off and more about how she did it. She shouldn't make you or your DD feel bad or belittled.

There is something going on for her I'd suggest.

She (the friend) has always been the “tell it like it is” person and it’s her whole persona that she gives her unfiltered opinions on everything all the time. So in that sense it has been pretty consistent with her usual ways (as in, not that she’s particularly going through something now) and the unfiltered opinions in this case were that we are pushovers and one needs to be really strict with kids and put them in their place. And she was trying to get that message across all the time. She did seem more extreme and pushy about it than usual (we see her roughly once a year) but then again last time we saw her was at her place (where I had no issue if she told my DD not to run, be quiet etc - her house, her rules) and prior to that DD was a pretty easy baby so there wasn’t really an opportunity to criticize my parenting then, I suppose.

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond, I have tried to respond to many comments, not all but I did read them all. I got what I needed from this thread and appreciate everyone’s perspective and take it on board - especially the part where I should have done better to protect DD. I will proceed with as little drama as possible - we don’t see the friend often so a drama isn’t worth it, they can meet up with DH on their own if they want to but I will keep my kids away from her. Lesson learned when dealing with similar people in future as well.

Well done Op, this isn't easy to navigate as a parent especially if you're used to keeping your mouth shut when someone is rude to you. I can be the same - but ultimately I sum it up as my child's feelings matter more than the grown adult. They're equally not responsible for the feelings of a matured adult.

I’t’s not a friend OP. I’d suggest she never stays at your again and apply the same principle to her- tell her like it is, unfiltered as well.
I’d also have a word with your DH and make your position re this “friend” clear.

She literally bullied and picked on your DD in her own home for being a child. “Friend” is a harrigan though.

If you’re a guest in somebody’s house you should be considerate and respectful to your guests,she was definitely not.

Selfish,self absorbed,rude and arrogant.

There’s nothing wrong with your DD.

Hope this horrible woman will never darken your door again.

Reading through this and your replies made me feel a bit gross. This isn’t a case of “discipline” this is just pure disrespect of your child and not treating her like a human. If she had spoken to you or your husband like that I think it would have been seen as aggressive, rude and tbh bullying because it was. Your child has a right to feel happy and content in her own space and this fully grown woman came in and berated and spoke to her like sh!t because she’s a kid? That’s honestly disgusting and I wouldn’t have her anywhere near my child if I were you. I’m really sick of adults holding kids to higher standards while simultaneously treating them as less than.

I hadn’t even got to the end but I’m so glad it’s not just me that is so disgusted by this woman’s behaviour.

No it’s definitely not just you, I think most people agreed she was out of line and rude. I told my husband she’s not staying with us again and I’m not having her around our kids again, they can meet up on their own if they want to. I acknowledge I should have done more to stop her treating DD like that.

The meaning of discipline seems have to been lost over time and has become a synonym for punishment. A disciple is a student, so discipline is about providing learning and developing. This doesn't include barking criticism and put downs.

But this has already all been said.

If a child is outrageously rude or badly behaved, eg jumping on furniture, breaking things, etc., and a parent does not intervene, I would definitely say something.

I expect we have all experienced children behaving very badly in public areas while parents ignore the behaviour - that is, in my opinion, unacceptable.

However, from what the OP says, this guest is picking up on all sorts of petty things - like getting sand on a towel. As a parent I would find that very annoying and stressful - and I think it is extremely rude.

I am a bit of a coward and would be loath to confront the guest but even I might at some point be unable to keep quiet about it and ask her not to keep criticising my child.

I trust she will never be invited again!

As the parent of 6 kids (19-newborn) I can hands down say 4yolds can be annoying af and really test boundaries and patience which while inside the home is probably ignored quite a bit .
If she is just nit picking I'd have something to say but if she is telling your daughter off while your ignoring bad behaviour then i don't see the problem

Well I'm not completely caught up on the thread but I'll say when a four year old asks to hold your hand, it's a supreme Honor and you should count yourself lucky, not criticise them for having sticky hands. I am not impressed by your husband's friend.

@Phoenixfire1988 Did you read all the OP’s posts? This was absolutely not someone correcting bad behaviour. It absolutely was someone being really unpleasant. She’s unpleasant to the whole family including OP’s DH who is meant to be her friend.

Right? ❤️ No in all seriousness I do teach DD that “no means no” and if someone doesn’t want hugs/kisses/hold hands that’s ok. And if that was the only incident I wouldn’t think much of it. It was just one of many that weekend and it really gave an impression that she doesn’t like kids/DD - in which case, why did she decide to visit us, I don’t understand!

Thank you. I did give many examples on this thread of what DD supposedly did, and I also mentioned many examples where I agree another adult stepping in would be perfectly reasonable (but that wasn’t the case). The thread is long though so I appreciate some people are responding to the first post.

So just a little update: we got a message from DH’s friend in a group chat and among other things it said: “Can I get DD for a few days? I had so much fun hanging out with her, she’s so full of personality!”

I’m like - wtf has just happened??

Maybe she's being sarcastic.

"So full of personality" is code for "spoilt brat", sorry to say.

Do not let your child anywhere near this woman.

I actually think that no, she means it, she would be happy to plan another get together soon 🤷‍♀️ like she doesn’t see anything wrong with how things went last week.

But then why would she say she wants to have DD over 🤷‍♀️ just so weird.

Tbh we can’t win this one; my DH who is super mellow and polite is “too boring” for her, my DD who is chatty and energetic is “full of personality”, it’s hard to be “just perfect”.

Now she wants your child without you present? Why? So, she can tell everyone how she is helping you guys out? Brag herself up? Train your child the "right way"? No way to trust her motives.