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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

312 replies

evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:13

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 13/08/2023 17:16

I think it's reasonable for children to learn that family friends, and other trusted adults, will redirect them or challenge them. I find parents who think no other adult should step on their children's toe other than an urgent safety situation to be a little precious.

It's not ok the way your DH's friend has gone about it though. She's being passive aggressive, making digs at your parenting choices and being a bit of an arse in my opinion.

Loulou599 · 13/08/2023 17:20

Do you give her timeouts?

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 17:20

What was your DD’s behaviour like? If was being rude or naughty you need to expect other adults to tell her off.

Timeforabiscuit · 13/08/2023 17:21

Does your dd get exposure to many other adults in a family setting? like extended family gatherings, or neighbourhood meet ups?

Sometimes you can get a little insular in a small family set up, so outside eyes can feel really disconcerting- those comments might feel like judgements if you hadn't met umpteen opinions on your parenting already!

So houseguest might be just commenting, or might just be an arse!

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 13/08/2023 17:23

Loulou599 · 13/08/2023 17:20

Do you give her timeouts?

Hopefully not. They are not healthy for a child’s emotional development and they don’t learn anything of value from them.

Enko · 13/08/2023 17:23

LolaSmiles · 13/08/2023 17:16

I think it's reasonable for children to learn that family friends, and other trusted adults, will redirect them or challenge them. I find parents who think no other adult should step on their children's toe other than an urgent safety situation to be a little precious.

It's not ok the way your DH's friend has gone about it though. She's being passive aggressive, making digs at your parenting choices and being a bit of an arse in my opinion.

I agree with this.

Original poster
evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:25

Oh yeah absolutely, I agree that obviously if a child misbehaves then yes anyone should tell them however I do think generally speaking they should follow the parent way of dealing with things (unless someone is in danger or unless they’re actually in charge of them).

It is the passive aggression and the relentlessness that got me about it, it was really nonstop, anything my DD did was met with some reaction from her (and I guess implication that we are shit and enabling parents). It just gave the vibe of her really hating kids and finding them irritating (fair enough I probably was like that before I had kids) but then why stay with people who have kids?

I want to add that my DD is a pretty standard 4yo, praised at school for good behavior, no issues around friends, she didn’t even have any meltdown (which maybe occasionally she does when overtired), but as every 4yo she will test boundaries sometimes and will need to be told to do something multiple times sometimes. Many of the things she got yelled at were also accidental like stepping on her towel on the beach (child accidentally getting sand on your towel is unacceptable apparently).

OP posts:
Hummingbird89 · 13/08/2023 17:25

I agree with PPs. It’s good for children to be chastised by other adults if they’re misbehaving. Sounds like she went around it the wrong way though, and making dogs at you isn’t on.

Noorandapples · 13/08/2023 17:26

I really think you should sit friend down and explain that you are not comfortable with her reprimanding your child again and if you don't feel able then decline to have her as a guest again

mbosnz · 13/08/2023 17:27

She sounds like the kind of person that enjoys exerting control on kids for shits and giggles.

I'm afraid I don't take to people attempting to override my parenting. If they want to parents kids, they can get their own, they don't get to play at it with mine.

I'd be saying, very quietly to her, when your daughter isn't around, that she is not the parent, she is not the nanny, she is a guest in OUR home, and she should butt out where she is neither needed or wanted. With a smile on my face.

She sounds like a 'she just says it as she sees it' kind of a person, which I'd also be saying, and so she should appreciate the clarity.

Original poster
evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:27

And no rudeness involved either, neither to us nor to DH’s friend. She’s generally well behaved although energetic and will not sit quietly for hours as I don’t think any 4yo would 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:28

No, we don’t do timeouts or spanking or anything of that kind. Which obviously was a thing in the “good old times”. 🙄

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TidyDancer · 13/08/2023 17:28

I'm on the fence with this tbh. I tend not to comment on or correct behaviour unless it's a dangerous situation but there have been times when I've had to bite my tongue not to say something and I wouldn't actually have judged someone who did open their mouth.

Loulou599 · 13/08/2023 17:31

So what do you do when your kid is being a pain in the ass?

MiddleParking · 13/08/2023 17:31

I’m not remotely opposed to my kids being corrected by an adult but like fuck would I sit there and let some visitor speak to my young child like that in my presence.

Original poster
evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:33

I think this is up to my DH since it is his friend (I certainly would be with my friends), he disagrees because apparently it’s fine if people have different perspectives about raising kids. I think that:

  1. no it’s not fine to constantly discipline someone else’s child in a different way than parents would
  2. not to sound mean but an opinion of someone that hasn’t raised their own kids is just not relevant to me
We thankfully don’t have plans to have her over again anytime soon. I definitely don’t need her digs when I have two kids about how incapable I am and how I should have stuck with one 🙄
OP posts:
10HailMarys · 13/08/2023 17:33

I think it’s OK for a guest to have a little word with a child they feel is misbehaving - something like “No, we all have to wait for our turn, don’t we?” if they’re trying to snatch for something from you, or “Of course I’ll play Lego with you but come and help tidy away your other toys first for your Mummy and Daddy” or whatever. I have definitely once said a very firm “Do NOT do that again” to my friend’s child when he was yanking hard at my clothes for attention for the tenth time and my friend was apparently not going to say anything other than her initial weak “That isn’t very polite darling” on his first attempt.

However, I would never tell my friends how to parent! In that situation I wouldn’t have said “Don’t you put him on the naughty step?” or “You really ought to put consequences in place for him” or anything. I just spoke to the child because it was me that he was bothering on that occasion. And I certainly wouldn’t question what they listened to in the car! I would totally expect a child to choose the music, at least sometimes. Why shouldn’t they? That’s not spoiling them, it’s just offering them some choice now and again.

Your friend sounds like a pain in the bum and she was overstepping the mark.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/08/2023 17:35

Tbh if your child wasn't doing anything wrong why did you let it continue?

I've had two occasions where some has, I felt, been on my child's case.

In the first when I thought about it I realised a habit one of my DDs had that we had all become immune to was actually really fucking annoying. So they were right to say something and we worked on it.

The second was someone who doesn't like kids and the kids weren't doing anything wrong at all. They were told in no uncertain terms that if you come and stay in a house where (at that time) 4 children live then you're going to have to deal with children being around.

Not a chance would a houseguest get to pick at my child repeatedly just because they were DH's friend - especially if he wasn't pulling them up on it.

MariposaKHYU · 13/08/2023 17:37

I HAD a friend like this, and she was alllways on to my kids. If they are being naughty or unsafe then sure I don’t mind them being told off. But I don’t expect a friend to chastise my child because she didn’t tie her shoes up in the “correct” way - as long as they can do it who cares?! I remember my daughter was about 4 and I was teaching her how to make her bed as she had asked - of course it wasn’t perfect but she did it and was proud, my friend said God that’s sloppy do it again, and I told her to get off her back. I don’t discipline my friends children unless they are doing something dangerous, it’s not my business how they are brought up in their own home AND their parents are there.

Original poster
evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:37

Yeah I think you nailed it with this post. She generally is someone who “just says it like it is” and if I was my DH I personally wouldn’t be friends with her (she constantly makes digs at him too) but that is up to him to decide. And she thought it was funny I guess to be constantly pointing out the wrongdoings of DD and how that apparently makes us pushovers.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 13/08/2023 17:41

evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:37

Yeah I think you nailed it with this post. She generally is someone who “just says it like it is” and if I was my DH I personally wouldn’t be friends with her (she constantly makes digs at him too) but that is up to him to decide. And she thought it was funny I guess to be constantly pointing out the wrongdoings of DD and how that apparently makes us pushovers.

I’d not have her in my house. If he’s happy to be digged at he can do it outside of your daughter’s house and your earshot.

Todaywego · 13/08/2023 17:41

YABU because it's not only your DH's job to protect your daughter. It might not have been easy, but you could and should have taken this person aside and set them straight. 'I know you mean well but it's not OK for you to keep on at DD as you are doing. I don't want you to pick her up on every little thing she does that you don't like, in fact I don't want you to pick her up on anything at all. Please leave the parenting to us.'

Original poster
evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:42

If you want to imply that we sit back and do nothing letting her do whatever, then no that’s not the case. She gets natural consequences (misbehaving at the playground = leaving the playground, bashing something with a toy = toy goes away) and is generally pretty well behaved. Timeouts are obsolete and I won’t start doing them just because someone tells me to.

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10HailMarys · 13/08/2023 17:46

Many of the things she got yelled at were also accidental like stepping on her towel on the beach (child accidentally getting sand on your towel is unacceptable apparently)

Oh god, she sounds awful (DH’s friend, I mean - not your poor DD, who sounds like a perfectly normal four-year-old!)

To be honest, I doubt I’ll tell off someone else’s small child even if they trod on my towel on purpose, it’s not like they’re doing it to be vindictive. For a four year old the beach is ALL ABOUT sand! I doubt it would even occur to them that sand on a towel would be a problem. Also I always get sand on my towel and I am 47

willWillSmithsmith · 13/08/2023 17:47

Loulou599 · 13/08/2023 17:20

Do you give her timeouts?

I never gave my kids timeout (or naughty step). I was never given them as a child either.