To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

[evuscha]

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

She sounds like a dick, has she left now?

If I'm around other peoples kids and the parents are there I wouldn't be picking them up on anything unless they were putting themselves or someone else in danger and the parents hadn't stepped in- surely this is standard?

All of this.

The original meaning of "it takes a village" was that all other adults in the community were free to correct or rebuke the child, to aid in its formation.

Not, as so many of today's parents seem to think, "open your wallet, do my chores, provide free babysitting but keep your opinions to yourself!"

The tiresome "don't question my parenting choices!" crowd probably has a huge overlap with those complaining that relatives and friends won't "support" them with free babysitting. There's a reason no one wants to, people. If you want others' support (including the taxpayer dollar) be prepared to be accountable and to respect others' differing approaches.

Furthermore, it's bad parenting to constantly be the intermediary between your child and the rest of the world. They deserve the opportunity to develop non-micromanaged relationships with other people.

I’m sorry it looks like the “Reply” hasn’t been working so my posts look random but I was trying to respond to specific PPs.

Fair point to those mentioning I should have stepped up more, and one of the reasons I want to see if AIBU. I did speak up multiple times but she didn’t take my comments on board. I should have had a sterner word with her.

Bottom line is I don’t think she likes kids so every little thing irritated her. Too bad because DD was really gravitating to her (to be fair they sometimes do to those who don’t like them as if they’re trying to get their approval/affection) - made me even more sad when DD wanted to hold her hand and she said “no I don’t like sticky germy kids hands” (but ultimately fair point, we teach DD that anyone is allowed to say no obviously)

Absolutely my point of view. If parents are there, it’s their job to parent, unless the child is doing something personally to me or something dangerous. It’s also the aggressive stern tone she was using that bothered me.
But yes thankfully she has left.

This takes me back!

We were on holiday when I was pregnant (and not very well) and dd1 was 2yo. Down the road from us was staying someone dh had known as a child. She latched onto us.

It was a constant refrain of "Dd1 don't do that" "dd1 you mustn't do this." I'm not talking about major things, they were either things that were definitely parental decision (eg whether she walked or went in the buggy) or something she wasn't going to do anyway (eg picking flowers from someone's garden-the garden being behind a wall and the other side of the street.) It was totally relentless.
The second day she turned up as we were setting off and brightly said "where are we going today" I told dh that either he was coming with me and dd1 or he went with her but we weren't going together.
She was definitely put out when he told her we were having a family outing. Initially she tried saying "I'll come too" so he told her we'd got booked tickets.

I would have felt a bit sorry for her because I think she was basically lonely but it wasn't fair on dd1.
I don't have an issue with another adult picking up on things that are wrong, but in some cases dd1 was doing what one of me or dh had said to do (and this other person had heard us say it) and still telling her off for doing it.

"not to sound mean but an opinion of someone that hasn’t raised their own kids is just not relevant to me"

This is ridiculous. One need not have raised kids to know what is decent behaviour, or to have experience with the outcomes of different childrearing practices. Many people from medical practioners to teachers to counselors to childcare providers to those from large families, etc etc., have perfectly valid and perhaps more objective opinions and knowledge about childrearing.

The arrogance that just because one has put three or four years into childrearing, one knows better than anyone else, is amusing.

I'd be telling her to get tae fuck. No chance.

I agree, never had timeouts (or spanking or anything of the kind) as a child and I dare to say I turned out alright.

I remember a similar house guest lecturing everyone on discipline and how to bring up kids. Weirdly he had none of his own. We had a good laugh about it afterwards but it was irritating at the time. If this person is just an occasional annoyance I'd probably just let it go. If she's gonna be around a lot, delegate the problem to DH as it's his friend 😂

Why is that even the friends business? Not everyone thinks they are helpful. I don't
Btw I never gave my children time-outs and they are perfectly lovely adults now.

She’s not a medical professional or counselor or teacher or anything of that kind. My point is, someone who never had kids, and isn’t generally around kids, has no idea what is normal for a 4yr old child, and then expects them to not accidentally get sand on a towel, or to never get grumpy or never say no to anything.

To your “it takes a village” post, oh really, so if someone disciplines your child differently than you would right in front of you, let’s say gives them a good old spanking, that’s ok with you? 🙄

I’m on two minds about this one. For example when you said you took turns to choose music in the car, I think making a child free 50 year old adult listen to kids songs is torture. I think I would have been better to say that it’s the guests turn or not listening to music at all. How did she discipline her? I presume you mean she just said ‘don’t put sand on my towel please’. In which case that’s absolutely fine. I’m amazed by how permissive some parents are and their children are awful to be around. On the other hand if it really is like you said constant corrections or shouting for normal behaviour then she is overstepping.

Yanbu for thinking she should shut up but yabu for leaving it to your DH. No way would I have allowed someone to speak to my DC like that, especially in my house!

If your DH was too weak/lazy to put her back in her box then you should have done so. Actually it is very weird to me that your DH has a female friend so close that she comes to stay and dominates both his child and his wife. I don’t think I’d be very happy with that friendship 👀

I didn't have a village, and I didn't ask for one, or require one. We had our kids, we provided for them, we brought them up. As a result, I was somewhat intolerant of people who wanted to backseat parent, without doing any of the hard yards, particularly if we were there.

We imposed boundaries for our children, and consequences for breaking those boundaries. It was not for someone else to come in and start dictating their preferred boundaries and consequences for our children.

On the other hand, our kids knew that if we weren't there if an adult told them they were misbehaving, they were required to listen, and if necessary, apologise. This didn't happen often. Actually, I'm not clear whether it happened at all - because they knew that actions would equal consequences at home, if necessary.

Yes absolutely I agree that if it’s something the child does to her, or is dangerous, then yes they need to be told. Or if she’s in charge of her - I have no issues with teachers dealing with her, or babysitters.
But it was the latter - constant, with a passive aggressive tone, for things that were normal or even accidental. Along with digs at how “mummy and daddy let you get away with it but I wouldn’t”.

But it was the latter - constant, with a passive aggressive tone, for things that were normal or even accidental. Along with digs at how “mummy and daddy let you get away with it but I wouldn’t”.
That would annoy me and I'd expect DH to have put her straight on this.
It doesn't matter what she thinks of your parenting, even if you were permissive (and it doesn't sound like you are), it's not on to be actively undermining parents to a child.

I can see a situation where I might end up telling a friend's child to stop something if sand got all over my towel. For example, they've been told to play a game at an appropriate distance from where everyone is sitting but the children keep running around the towels where everyone is sitting, not following simple instructions, whilst their parents laugh along at home funny it is and sand gets all over where I want to be. I can see me biting my tongue to start with and then end up telling them to stop it because they've been told to stop running around where everyone is sitting. A parent who said "aww it's an accident why are you getting involved Lola, they didn't mean it" would get a mental eye-roll from me because it wasn't an accident. It was caused by repeatedly ignoring simple instructions.

But if they were walking back, tripped and got a small amount of sand on the corner of my towel then is never dream of saying something.

I agree with you 100%.
First of all the village comment is ridiculous and doesn’t mean that any random acquaintance should pick their preferred discipline style for our child. Moreover she does nothing for us, quite the opposite, we let her stay at ours (we live in a popular tourist spot) and took her on a day trip to the beach she wanted to visit. The weekend was pretty much tailored to her. She usually stays at adult-only hotels so I suppose a child was disturbing her 🙄
It is another story if someone is in charge of my child, a teacher, babysitter, grandparents when they babysit…obviously then yes they are the ones dealing with discipline. DD’s school does a “quiet chair” if a child misbehaves or is mean to other kids, I don’t have an issue with that even if I myself don’t do timeouts. (again never any issues that are reported back to me, DD is generally well behaved)

I don't agree with pp saying that its good for kids to get reprimanded by adults other than their parents. If i am there and i think my child needs to be reprimanded then i will do it, if i am not doing it then clearly i am okay with their behaviour! She would have got short shrift from me op!

Yeah my point exactly - if I am there, it’s up to me how it’s dealt with. (and yes I take it on board I should have spoken up more)
I have a few friends whose kids are pretty feral in my opinion but I never reprimand them unless they either do something to me or something dangerous. Let alone to constantly go on about it in their own house.

Hopefully not. They are not healthy for a child’s emotional development and they don’t learn anything of value from them.

Rubbish - when you work with children who are violent or aggressive then they need to learn to walk away and contemplate and calm down - those with impulse issues need to regulate - time out isn’t a punishment and as an adult I’m more that happy to walk away and think about what I need to do next.

Please don’t rubbish something that is so important to others.

@evuscha
Many of the things she got yelled at were also accidental like stepping on her towel on the beach (child accidentally getting sand on your towel is unacceptable apparently).

Yelled at? Genuinely yelled at, so houseguest raised her voice so much that other beachgoers 70/80 metres away could hear clearly? Or spoke to firmly?

4 years old is certainly an age when most children should be learning to develop enough spatial awareness and physical control over their bodies that they should be able not to trail sandy feet over other people's things. They don't necessarily know not to do that though unless a parent explains. I would expect a parent whose 4 year old has just walked sand over someone else's towel to take the opportunity to explain that they need to look where they are going.

“saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her”

This jumped out at me.

So setting aside the idea that trusted adults can challenge poor behaviour, this woman sounds absolutely horrible. Taking pleasure from a very young child’s terror? And when the child’s parents were there to address any issues.

I wouldn’t blame you if you decided she wasn’t welcome to stay again. Presumably your DH can see her outside the home if he enjoys her company so much.

Hm, I sympathise with you and your daughter tbh. I had an aunt who came to stay once a year and from the minute she walked through the door, we didn't get a moment's peace for a week. She criticised EVERYTHING we did. For example, I was painting a picture, with newspaper spread on the sitting room floor to protect it, and she told me to move, so I moved to my bedroom (which I had to share with her for a week, like it or not) and she came in there and told me to use the dining room table, which was too high for me, so I went out in the garden with it and she came out and told me to stop being silly and come back in the house. My mother told her to stop interfering and she complained to me that mum had said that! In retrospect she wanted attention and was determined to get it.

Is your friend like this? I would call her out on it.

I think it would be ok for a friend to say "hey your mum said don't climb that, can you get down please."

But to do the "don't you ever do that again" thing with my child? No. I'd tell her don't ever speak to my child like that again, I won't tolerate it. If that's a problem, please find free accommodation elsewhere.

Sorry OP but
“no I don’t like sticky germy kids hands”

And

accidental like stepping on her towel on the beach (child accidentally getting sand on your towel is unacceptable apparently).

What a fucking fruit loop. I don't think I'd be opening the door to her again. Don't discipline my child, don't shame my child and don't darken my doorstep again. Aul witch who gets off on being severe for the sake of it.