To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

[evuscha]

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

You don't have to boycott the friendship, but your DP needs to start backing his family unit.

You and him have chosen to raise your children in a certain way and no "friend" needs to be that critical and undermining of you.

Lots of people will have friends who parent in different ways and everyone will have different lines where they'd say something to a child when their parent is present, but most normal people wouldn't be saying to a child "your mummy and daddy let you get away with too much" and that sort of undermining stuff.

The more I think about it, the more it seems like the friend might be a shit stirrer.

@Mydietstartstomorrow
God you sound utterly ghastly

I mean that might be your opinion but you come across as insufferable and rather arrogant

I’m a professional Nanny, have been now for 25 years. That means nothing when I’m with children I’m not responsible for. I’d not dream of disciplining another child. I don’t even my own charge if the parent is around.

You sound like a really lovely Mum, & she sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

To those that have said I should have stood up for my DD more I absolutely agree with that and I do see that now. It’s taking me many years to learn not to be a pushover/people pleaser and it still is a work in progress but I am getting less willing to tolerate people’s crappy behavior with age, that’s for sure.

I have lost it at my DH today now that she’s gone and told him she’s not welcome here again. He apologized but again said he didn’t notice she would be too harsh or anything. Perhaps my mummy instincts are hightened but to me those digs were constant and unjustified but I do appreciate that very often men don’t see these things or just let them slide.

To the PP asking if maybe she’s jealous because she’s not a parent - I don’t know, she makes a point of staying at adult only hotels and always says she would only have considered being a mum if she married rich and could afford a nanny and even then she would just have 1 child. (I suppose another dig at us choosing to have 2) But yes I think deep down there might be some jealousy covered with these statements and showing off how hard/strict she is, which is also why I was hesitant to create drama between her and DH - she lives alone, doesn’t have many friends (gee I wonder why) so in a way I also feel sorry for her.

Funny my sister used to be like that before she had kids, criticizing everyone’s spoiled brats, giving out parenting advice to everyone - now her own DD is a total ruler of her house. With that I don’t mean that teachers/counselors/medical professionals that have no kids can’t ever judge my DD or offer parenting tips like some ridiculous posts suggested. I simply mean - it’s very easy to judge and have skewed expectations of how 100% obedient and tantrum-free an average 4 yr old should be when you never raised your own. Hell, I was probably like that before having kids - not super into spending time with them and quietly judging parents for not disciplining them enough. Though I wouldn’t choose to come to someone’s house where kids live and constantly discipline them and criticize their parenting.

Someone once told off my 18 month old DC (taller than average) for not saying thank you for bday cake.

I have a favourite saying at times like this 'so that just happened, did everyone else hear that or just me?' Then I like to look square in the eyes and say 'thank fuck you're not in charge'. Usually followed by a good heart laugh and a sideways 'what the actual fuck'.

But I'm a few kids deep now and have little patience with rookies.

Nothing more annoying than someone who doesn't have children themselves thinking that they know how to be the perfect parent.
I would have lost it with her after constant digs, you did well to keep yourself calm.

My child is reprimanded by me and his dad, other close family members (grandparents etc..) and his teachers at school. Not random house guests who have no relationship with him. Someone did tell him to "finish your plate or you can't have pudding" once, and I promptly said "actually it's my job to decide on the rules for him" or something. This was someone who had only just met him that day. Very odd.

Does your DH notice her constant digs at him?

Trying to imagine the point of this ‘friendship’. Is she his former boss or something?

Sounds like she's got way too much to say for herself.

Not in relation to your kids, they don't. You're her parents and no one else gets to 'parent' her.

Not in any way superior to him - not his former boss, not that much older than him… He says he doesn’t care about the digs/is happy to ignore them.
I told him if she was my friend she would be out of my life a long time ago, and it’s fine if he wants to ignore digs at him but he shouldn’t ignore digs at DD/me.

Ask him how far that goes…

Can other people express their differences by letting your DD do something in your house that he doesn’t allow? Jumping on the sofa with muddy shoes or playing with something expensive of his?

Or if they believe in giving a a smack because “it never done me any harm”?

Also if you have a friend or relative that he doesn’t like ask if it also includes them…

Blimey, “utterly ghastly”!! You sound utterly rude and obnoxious but here we are!

im sorry but I’ve had a few non-parent friends telling me how I should raise my kid. If you don’t have a kid yourself you just don’t understand, it’s not arrogance it’s true and I’m pretty sure most parents would agree with me. So are you telling me you’d take advice and correction from someone on how to treat your little Jimmy that didn’t have lived experience?!

Tbf, you know how it works, blokes genuinely don’t see how some women get at other women

we see stuff all the time, on telly etc where some woman has said something to another woman and we’re sitting watching it and practically gasping and our other halves wonder why.

he may genuinely not have spotted it or picked up on the passive aggressive tone

i totally get why you didn’t take this on fully at the time, that’s what passive aggressive stuff does, it almost robs you of reason, it’s like being gaslit in the moment and you being a people pleaser have tried not to react so that everything was okay in your home.

don’t beat yourself up, you got caught in the headlights

oh and this isn’t ‘because you’re hormonal’ it’s because she was rude to you, did overstep the mark and from your updates is bitter and obnoxious.

in glad you’ve said your piece to your husband. I’m glad you’ve said she won’t come to your house again

enjoy the rest of your pregnancy all the best of luck to you all.

How classy. 🙄

It's fine for others to "parent" but not to laugh at the fact they terrified your child. I think you've made the right decision in never welcoming her as a house guest again. I also think if she ever disciplines your dd in a way that makes dd or you uncomfortable again you need to raise to straight away and dd need to see you are not ok with guest's behaviour towards dd and that you will stand up for her.

There is a huge difference between correcting a child behaviour and terrifying them. Don't stand for it OP.

OP, I think you have learned a lot from this experience which will inform your confidence in your parenting going forward.

Well done on giving your dozy, oblivious, passive husband and earful, he deserved it.

Well done in making clear that she will never visit again.

You were not hormonal, she was very rude.

Put it behind you and enjoy your day.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune thanks

I would say only parent someone else's child if I have been asked to, they are doing something dangerous or their behaviour is adversely affecting your child/pets. If a friend had brought their child to my house before I had a child, generally I would let their parent parent, unless the child was doing something dangerous to them or harmful to my house/furniture/pets. Now I am a parent though, generally you bring your child to my house, he/she follows the same rules as my child, I bring my child to your house she/he follows the same rules as your child. If this is going to be a problem, like your child has a disability and doesn't get those rules, we'll work together to get round it, but tell me beforehand that this will be an issue!

I had a similar situation once but they were more focused on how “strict” we were (one example is they told my children they didn’t have to go to bed just because mum said so) and kept trying to override our parenting, it was insufferable!
They kept treating me like a child as well and it was a “I know best” situation (this person is a similar age to my parents). Luckily my DH had my back and we refused to let them visit again.

I think a lot of these commenter are forgetting that this friend is a guest staying for free in OP's house...

There is a big difference between "I'm stuck here in this cinema with you and your child's behaviour is irritating me" and "you have allowed me to stay with you for free and I don't want to listen to kids songs on the car journey/I don't want sand on my towel".
If you do not want to be bothered by the very normal actions of a child PAY FOR CHILD FREE ACCOMMODATION!

@evuscha keep doing what you're doing, sounds like your parenting is great and you seem to have a good head as to when people should and shouldn't be disciplining your child. Keep doing what you're doing but I would absolutely give this person the ultimatum in a measured and respectful way.

"I appreciate that you're trying to help but I don't need you to parent child when we are here. The different opinions are causing confusion and I'd like you to stop. If you feel that's not an option for you I'm happy to help you look up some B&Bs and ring round for vacancies."

If someone undermines your parenting then all you can do is not let them hang out with your kids. It's a really awkward thing to confront in the moment and some people who do it are oblivious to the fact it's wrong.

This woman sounds like one of those twatty expert types who are certain they know better than you. If I ever encounter them I just say something like "Don't worry dd, you didn't do anything wrong, 'DaddyPig' (twatty expert) is just a bit out of practice around kids!'

I think hubbies friend is a busybody and I would tell her to back off. Btw I used to put my toddler on the naughty step. One day he took himself there voluntarily. He said " I don't mind it here, I have a little think". Bugger also picked off the wallpaper while sitting there.