Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

312 replies

evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:13

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

OP posts:
windmill26 · 13/08/2023 18:44

evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:37

Yeah I think you nailed it with this post. She generally is someone who “just says it like it is” and if I was my DH I personally wouldn’t be friends with her (she constantly makes digs at him too) but that is up to him to decide. And she thought it was funny I guess to be constantly pointing out the wrongdoings of DD and how that apparently makes us pushovers.

She sounds like a crap friend,a crap guest and a crap nanny!
If I was in your shoes I would make it very clear to my husband that she is not welcome again in our home. If he likes her company that much the next time she can stay in a hotel and they can catch up over a meal or a drink(without you or your child).

hettie · 13/08/2023 18:45

Totaly · 13/08/2023 18:17

Hopefully not. They are not healthy for a child’s emotional development and they don’t learn anything of value from them.

Rubbish - when you work with children who are violent or aggressive then they need to learn to walk away and contemplate and calm down - those with impulse issues need to regulate - time out isn’t a punishment and as an adult I’m more that happy to walk away and think about what I need to do next.

Please don’t rubbish something that is so important to others.

This 👆
People misunderstanding time out is an interesting one. Often seems to be people claiming to use gentle parenting but whom in fact are permissive in approach. Time out was initially used as part of a pyramid of approaches used by an evidence based psychological approach encapsulated by the book "the incredible years". The bottom of the pyramid was all about distract/give choice etc. Time out was at the top when the child has become so overwhelmed by emotions they can't interact and dial back. It was never devised to be used as a threat or punishment but a way for all (parents including) to take some time to reflect (time out ends with an age appropriate reflective chat).
Sorry doubt derail...Op your friend was rude and intrusive....

IWantOutDoI · 13/08/2023 18:46

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 13/08/2023 17:23

Hopefully not. They are not healthy for a child’s emotional development and they don’t learn anything of value from them.

Show quote history

Actually, they are quite good if the rules are consistent and applied fairly.

it much worse for the kids not to know or respect the rules and be told throughout their lives for something a few minutes on the naughty step may have sorted.

MzHz · 13/08/2023 18:48

@evuscha the only point of this thread where you’re being unreasonable is to put up with that stupid woman for more than 5 minutes

no, she has absolutely zero agency on your household and therefore no right whatsoever to comment on your parenting or any decisions you make.

I don’t think you should allow her to come back to stay with you. If she asks, say no, it’s not convenient. If she’s looking for a cheap holiday, that’s not your responsibility

you don’t have to tell her explicitly why she can’t stay, but make it clear to DH to never accept her back again. If she wants to come to where you live she can stay in a hotel and lecture the staff how to run the hotel seeing as she has zero experience in that department either, she’ll have a whale of a time

she would never darken my door again. How long did you put up with her

IWantOutDoI · 13/08/2023 18:49

evuscha · 13/08/2023 17:25

Oh yeah absolutely, I agree that obviously if a child misbehaves then yes anyone should tell them however I do think generally speaking they should follow the parent way of dealing with things (unless someone is in danger or unless they’re actually in charge of them).

It is the passive aggression and the relentlessness that got me about it, it was really nonstop, anything my DD did was met with some reaction from her (and I guess implication that we are shit and enabling parents). It just gave the vibe of her really hating kids and finding them irritating (fair enough I probably was like that before I had kids) but then why stay with people who have kids?

I want to add that my DD is a pretty standard 4yo, praised at school for good behavior, no issues around friends, she didn’t even have any meltdown (which maybe occasionally she does when overtired), but as every 4yo she will test boundaries sometimes and will need to be told to do something multiple times sometimes. Many of the things she got yelled at were also accidental like stepping on her towel on the beach (child accidentally getting sand on your towel is unacceptable apparently).

Don’t over think it, has she left? If so, make sure your husband is aware she is never welcome back. Not because she corrected your child but because it is deeply insulting asking a pregnant woman if it was planned.

nicestcelebs · 13/08/2023 18:51

YANBU

EggOverEasy · 13/08/2023 18:52

Your guest overstepped appropriate boundaries massively.

I'm not a big fan of how my IL's parent - they are inconsistent and yell at their kids for behaviour that was fine thirty minutes ago - but I don't stick my oar in unless they are a danger to themselves or others. I will then and usually positively redirect. I would never try to scare them or be congratulatory if I did. That's really messed up.

87SPD · 13/08/2023 18:52

I think it’s is totally unacceptable and CF behaviour of her to be a guest in your house and make any comments like this towards your daughter and your parenting techniques.

It’s your DD’s home not hers and if you didn't feel the need to comment on certain ‘behaviour’ dd displayed then she absolutely has no place to do so. She sounds like a bitter person or perhaps she doesn’t realise she is doing it/coming from a good place, either way it’s not fair on your DD.

I have been around other peoples kids when they are just being the usual tired irritable and irrational little folk that they are and wouldn’t dream of making a negative or sly comment! But from what you have said it’s not even that your DD was having a tantrum, just being a normal 4 year old in her own home. YADNBU x

DinoDough · 13/08/2023 18:53

Totaly · 13/08/2023 18:17

Hopefully not. They are not healthy for a child’s emotional development and they don’t learn anything of value from them.

Rubbish - when you work with children who are violent or aggressive then they need to learn to walk away and contemplate and calm down - those with impulse issues need to regulate - time out isn’t a punishment and as an adult I’m more that happy to walk away and think about what I need to do next.

Please don’t rubbish something that is so important to others.

You can’t teach self regulation. It’s something that happens naturally as a child’s brain develops, usually when they’re around 6 years old. It cannot be learnt, this has been proven time and time again. It’s a part of the brain that simply doesn’t exist in very young children. Time outs don’t work as a child cannot learn to self regulate, that’s why it’s good to stay with them whilst they calm down, it’s more beneficial when they’re very young, take deep breaths etc with them. They eventually learn to do it themselves and if you’ve inputted those things such as deep breathing then that’s how they will do it when they’re older, rather than suppressing feelings or getting angry inside.

Rockstarqueen · 13/08/2023 18:53

Totaly · 13/08/2023 18:17

Hopefully not. They are not healthy for a child’s emotional development and they don’t learn anything of value from them.

Rubbish - when you work with children who are violent or aggressive then they need to learn to walk away and contemplate and calm down - those with impulse issues need to regulate - time out isn’t a punishment and as an adult I’m more that happy to walk away and think about what I need to do next.

Please don’t rubbish something that is so important to others.

I agree with this. My DD struggled to self-regulate and went through a stage of being physical towards me, talking didn’t help, re-direction didn’t help, a time out made a difference and helped her to regulate her own emotions.

nicestcelebs · 13/08/2023 18:55

GameOverBoys · 13/08/2023 18:00

I’m on two minds about this one. For example when you said you took turns to choose music in the car, I think making a child free 50 year old adult listen to kids songs is torture. I think I would have been better to say that it’s the guests turn or not listening to music at all. How did she discipline her? I presume you mean she just said ‘don’t put sand on my towel please’. In which case that’s absolutely fine. I’m amazed by how permissive some parents are and their children are awful to be around. On the other hand if it really is like you said constant corrections or shouting for normal behaviour then she is overstepping.

I think listening to someone else's choice of music role models good manners and making snarky remarks about it role modelled unpleasant behaviour, actually.

Acornsoup · 13/08/2023 18:58

The friend overstepped and I wouldn't have them back around DC again. DH can see this 'friend' elsewhere. Who the FDSTSI

Mydietstartstomorrow · 13/08/2023 18:59

No children = no opinion. I won’t be told how to parent by someone that’s never been a parent!

Acornsoup · 13/08/2023 18:59

Sounds like my SIL but if it's a friend you can opt out easily Flowers

Oatycookies · 13/08/2023 19:01

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/08/2023 17:49

All of this.

The original meaning of "it takes a village" was that all other adults in the community were free to correct or rebuke the child, to aid in its formation.

Not, as so many of today's parents seem to think, "open your wallet, do my chores, provide free babysitting but keep your opinions to yourself!"

The tiresome "don't question my parenting choices!" crowd probably has a huge overlap with those complaining that relatives and friends won't "support" them with free babysitting. There's a reason no one wants to, people. If you want others' support (including the taxpayer dollar) be prepared to be accountable and to respect others' differing approaches.

Furthermore, it's bad parenting to constantly be the intermediary between your child and the rest of the world. They deserve the opportunity to develop non-micromanaged relationships with other people.

Show quote history

Agree with both of your posts. the whole it takes a village thing has been totally misused nowadays.

Not keen on how this woman has gone about it but it’s a bit dismissive to ignore advice from someone solely because they don’t have their own child.

Many parents give terrible advice (and have not been great at parenting) and some non-parents especially those with a background in childcare may have some helpful advice. Not saying this woman does.

I’m childfree and luckily my friends don’t think like this and have found my (solicited) advice helpful. their kids also get days out and presents from me.

leopard22 · 13/08/2023 19:02

If she asks to come again I'd be refusing the request and telling her why

LakeTiticaca · 13/08/2023 19:06

Your DH should have opened the front door and put HIS friend out on her arse with the instruction not to come back!!

ItsNotRocketSalad · 13/08/2023 19:08

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped

What did you say and how did she reply?

JANEY205 · 13/08/2023 19:10

What does this woman actually bring to your life? I wouldnt have her in my house again.

Oatycookies · 13/08/2023 19:15

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/08/2023 17:53

"not to sound mean but an opinion of someone that hasn’t raised their own kids is just not relevant to me"

This is ridiculous. One need not have raised kids to know what is decent behaviour, or to have experience with the outcomes of different childrearing practices. Many people from medical practioners to teachers to counselors to childcare providers to those from large families, etc etc., have perfectly valid and perhaps more objective opinions and knowledge about childrearing.

The arrogance that just because one has put three or four years into childrearing, one knows better than anyone else, is amusing.

Right, I used to be a parent support worker in my mid 20s. I was helping give parenting skills to people who had multiple children under the age at 10, many of them seemed overwhelmed and struggled. I drew on my knowledge of managing behaviour in kids as well as certain life skills that many of them didn’t have.

They would come back to me and said x and y worked, this didn’t work as well, this was brilliant etc. their families life improved thanks to the intervention. Imagine if they’d just said hell no we won’t listen to you young girl with no kids. What good would that have done them?

There was actually one parent who said just that to the very lovely deputy head of that school, and it was absurd. She only gently recommended she didn’t fill them up on chocolate and biscuits and pre-packaged from the local Tesco which she could barely afford for breakfast and this mum’s retort was “you don’t have kids” 🙄 Some things are just common sense! Said deputy head now has kids and I’m sure she’s raising them much better than that woman did.

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 19:15

Not a chance I would tolerate that for one moment, nor would my husband.

Extremely rude.

We don't require anyone to discipline our children when we are around.

I actually cannot even imagine such a thing, right in front of me!🙄

Unbelievable.

Clearly has no respect for either of ye or your child.

I would be appalled at my husband allowing this.

There is no way she would be stepping foot inside my house again.

I would think my husband is a wuss for not standing up for his child.

How unattractive.

BetterWithPockets · 13/08/2023 19:21

Haven’t read all the comments, OP, but I disagree with those saying it’s okay for other adults to tell your child(ren) off. If I was in a play area, or a restaurant, say, and there was a child really infringing on my/my children’s space, and no parent/catrer to be seen, then fair enough. But we all have different standards and I don’t think it’s up to a house guest to reprimand a child for what they see as bad behaviour. I know it’s not the same but I always remember a very good friend of mine telling my dogs off in my house because they came to sit near him when he was eating. (They weren’t doing anything; just sitting a metre or so away from him.) He didn’t let HIS dogs do that in HIS home — which is fine by me — but I think it’s my home, my rules. I don’t think it’s precious just not up to anyone else to set the rules…

Original poster
evuscha · 13/08/2023 19:25

Thank you for everyone’s input so far, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.
I think the general consensus is

  1. I should have told her more sternly she’s not allowed to do that, I do generally want to leave it up to DH to manage his friendships but I should have stepped in when he didn’t
  2. She will not be welcome to stay again and we will not be visiting her again either (we did stay with her once and she was very stern with DD too but I did think her house her rules so it didn’t bother me as much then)

I also want to add that:

  1. My DD does get disciplined, usually in a form of consequences (misbehaving at the playground = leaving the playground), we just don’t do timeouts or spanking and also don’t expect 100% obedience at every command because a standard 4yo will sometimes test boundaries or just be overtired/cranky/not in a mood just as adults sometimes are
  2. If my DD bothers someone or is rude or is doing something dangerous then yes absolutely another adult can and should step in
  3. If someone is in charge of DD then yes they’re in charge of the discipline too (grandparents teachers babysitters…) provided it’s not physical of course
OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 13/08/2023 19:33

MiddleParking · 13/08/2023 17:31

I’m not remotely opposed to my kids being corrected by an adult but like fuck would I sit there and let some visitor speak to my young child like that in my presence.

Same. She’d be out of the house straight away.

Tlolljs · 13/08/2023 19:36

I’m surprised at some of these responses tbh. I wouldn’t appreciate anyone telling my dcs off. All grown now anyway, but I wouldn’t have liked it when they were young.

Swipe left for the next trending thread