To think a house guest shouldn’t be parenting your kids?

[evuscha]

We had my DH’s friend staying with us for a few days, she’s single and childless in her early 50’s though claims that she knows everything about kids because she was a nanny when she was young. The whole time she wouldn’t get off my 4yo DD’s case, constantly reprimanding her for every little thing, saying things like “don’t you ever do that again” then saying it to my DH as a funny story later became of “how terrified” my DD looked at her….constantly throwing little digs like “oh you don’t give her time outs” or “oh she gets to pick which songs you listen to in a car?” (we take turns btw sometimes our music sometimes kids songs, apparently that’s appalling 😀) I’m expecting #2 soon so more digs like “oh I thought that was planned/wanted” whenever I said it will probably be tough or something along those lines.

I did speak up and stood up for my DD but none of my comments helped and I feel like it’s DH’s job to put HIS friend in her place? I would certainly be having stern words if my family/friends did that. I also have friends whose kids in my opinion get away with more than my DD but I would never dream of bossing their kids around (beyond the basic keeping everyone safe) in front of them? AIBU?

You shouldn't generalise like that.

Calm 'time out' is the only thing that works with my autistic DS and helps him to settle.

His SN school for autistic children use it. They are the leading hub for autism related SEN in the area. They do outreach and work closely with nurseries and have an OFSTED rating of outstanding.

We followed suit at home. He's a different child. Less smashed belongings, less attacking his siblings and us. His meltdowns are substantially shorter.

Why can't you tell her yourself ? Why the "it's DH place to tell her ?"
You are an adult with a voice
This woman has behaved badly to you and your ( your being you and DH) child .
You tell her !

All these you don't have a MIL problem , get your DH to speak to her posts wind me up .

My grandparents came to our house when my brother was born , didn't help my Mum, sat about expecting tea .meals , My sister sat in my Grandmothers chair and she (gran) went up to her room to huff .
My Dad (who was working ,no Paternity leave then) got so pissed off . He was looking after Mum, two daughters and helping with the baby , then two other adults who wouldn't even make a brew
They weren't even invited , they invited themselves .(This was Dads MIL and PIL , not his parents )

My Dad called a cab and got them to leave . (Round of applause to my Dad for having backbone)

Yeah those have surprised me as well tbh. But I suppose that’s why I posted this AIBU, because I thought perhaps I should have spoken up and stood up for DD more but then DH was trying to convince me that other people can express their different perspectives and parenting styles (even if we’re right there).

With hindsight, and reading all these posts that actually agree with me that she was out of line, yes I should have done more. I don’t think I should be controlling my DH’s friendships and I do think he should have spoken to her, it wasn’t my place to deal with that drama - but I should have done it when he didn’t. I did tell her to stop and that she’s not even doing anything a few times and she continued anyway - I should have been more firm.
I’m 100% not agreeing to her staying at ours again though. Next time she asks, I will tell her she should probably stay somewhere with no kids since they disturb her so much.

4 years old is certainly an age when most children should be learning to develop enough spatial awareness and physical control over their bodies that they should be able not to trail sandy feet over other people's things. They don't necessarily know not to do that though unless a parent explains. I would expect a parent whose 4 year old has just walked sand over someone else's towel to take the opportunity to explain that they need to look where they are going.

oh please!

🙄

I’d be addressing her Christmas card to Miss Judgy-Pants /Bossy Knickers.
But I’m childish and immature.

I might be wrong but I'm not sure she would have stopped no matter what was said or how often!

I’m glad you’ve come to these conclusions. It is your job to parent your child, not the woman’s. And it’s also your job to protect your child from people, who mistreat them. She wouldn’t be darkening my door again. That’s for sure.

As for people parenting my 15 yo dd when she was younger, or even now. As long as they are like minded, I wouldn’t have an issue with them talking to my dd. Eg the towel. ‘Oh no, littleevusha, now there’s sand all over my towel, shall we sort it out?’ And if the person wanted to use it as a future learning point, fine as well. Or an ‘oh no, look what you’ve done (in oops a way)’. Just to do things kindly.

I did ask her politely a few times, or pointed out the sand on the towel was an accident etc, but she continued anyway.
A proper stern conversation about how this is not acceptable to do in our house would probably cause a huge drama - which considering we see her maybe once a year is maybe not worth it - and I also didn’t want to be the one boycotting DH’s friendship- but maybe I should have done exactly that, to show to my DD that I have her back.

She sounds awful, what does your DH think to how she behaved? Was he there the whole time?

She wouldn’t be welcome in my house again.

You’re not controlling your H friendships, he can still keep her as a friend, but who you host in your home IS your prerogative and unless you BOTH agree to have her back, it doesn’t happen.

you’ve learned a valuable lesson, you’re the parent of your child and you know she’s a good kid. Your H needs to understand that he too is a parent and a good one at that and therefore doesn’t need his or your parenting correcting.

be very clear with her in future, no you can’t stay with us, we’re not going to allow a repeat of your treatment of our child.

Complaining about sand on a towel on a beach, she sounds unhinged.

He was there the whole time and didn’t think she did anything wrong or was out of line - thus my AIBU post (and to be fair a few PPs here seem to agree that other people should parent your child 🤷‍♀️) because I would like to know that I’m not just crazy hormonal over sensitive tiger mum.

She would not be welcome at my house ever again.

She sounds like a total bully, your poor dd.

Oh please what?

His friend was bullying your dd, imo.

“You’re not her parent, back off!” There’s probably a nicer way of saying that, but someone riding a kid’s back and criticizing every little thing pisses me all the way off.

I'm a people pleaser and I hate conflict but I have learned to stand up to stuff like this at the outset with words like, "You chuffing what?" I want to say, " Get to fuck" but...kids present.

If you learn to flare up at the first incursion, things are much much easier. It's taken me fifty years to learn it though!

Ultimately it's up to you how you choose to parent your child. I have no issue with guests having boundaries- if my child was misbehaving or they were worried they were doing something dangerous or that they might not be allowed to do then I wouldn't expect them to sit by and do nothing.

But your dhs friend being constantly on your dds case is inappropriate- it's dds home and she should feel safe and confident in her home. I agree your dh should be putting his friend in her place with how she speaks to your child.

His friend sounds like a total bully. Do you think maybe she is jealous though and wishes she was a parent?

That's why the advice to let the DH deal with it or the feeling that its DH's friend it's his job to sort it out don't work in this situation.

Your DH needs to start listening to you and your DD and not just allowing people to treat you like this.

Who are DD's parents? BOTH of you. But he let you take the flack. Is he not also responsible for DD? How much flack did he get.

You stayed at her house and thought Her house Her rules. She DID NOT pay you the same courtesy.

I did speak up multiple times but she didn’t take my comments on board.
She literally ignored you in your own home and undermined your parenting. From your posts, you seem to have clear ideas on parenting and managing your DD.

I disagree that other people can chip in as they like - particularly when there is a drip feed of criticism about completely trivial things. She didn't say things in a kind or positive way a lot of her comments just sounded very unkind. The one about not wanting to hold DD's proffered hand - what a cow.

You know what your gut reaction was to her behaviour. To the tone of her comments, over trivial things. Don't let DH join in with it and back HER up because he wants to be popular and approved of by his shit friend. People who let others do that because they are scared of being "confrontational" are need to examine their own reactions.

She ignored you and kept on behaving like that because she could see that your DH didn't have your back AT ALL and she enjoyed undermining both you and your DD and has probably left your DH with the impression that your household is not strict enough or that you personally cannot manage your own children. .... just as you are about to have number two. And her comment on that was completely crap too.

DD would be very aware that her dad sat there like a tailor's dummy saying nothing while all this was going on and will be left with the impression that she's a bad child - because of this stupid overbearing houseguest.

I think one of the reasons he just sat there and let you take "the blame" is the idea that he needed his friend to think that he was blameless and the "problems" can all be laid at your door. The way the sarky remarks were directed at you, not him, bears this out. Her ignoring your comments asking her to stop also bears this out.

Her behaviour was actually very divisive - you've already had an argument about it. He's already said you are in the wrong. She's had a lot of fun this weekend putting you and DD in your place, hasn't she - the big Knowall? It's as though she and DH were the two adults in the room. Patronising!

I'd be very cross about this and not just with her.

You need a very frank talk with DH for allowing this and continuing to side with this disrespectful guest.

You don’t need to justify your parenting to anyone on here or to this fucking awful woman.

I find your insistence that it was your DH’s place to manage her really odd but I see from your updates that you realise it wasn’t correct. I don’t give a toss who someone’s related to or friends with if they’re picking on my child. I’ve got a 4 year old daughter too and if anyone spoke to her like this I’d have told them to leave her alone, that we’re her parents and if they’d done it again they’d have been asked to leave. There’s nothing fucking funny about terrifying a young child. She sounds insane and nasty.

Please don’t see her again. And have a word with your useless spineless husband about sticking up for his kid and prioritising her feelings over some dickhead bully of a “friend”.

She sounds very unpleasant and I would arrange to be away with your DD for her next visit. Your DH can either entertain her himself or put a stop to the visits if he can't be arsed.

YANBU

There are some really sanctimonious people on this thread OP! Classic Mumsnet.
Of course you shouldn't let this woman speak to your child that way. She sounds awful. You sound like a great parent and you daughter like a normal 4 year old.

But it was the latter - constant, with a passive aggressive tone, for things that were normal or even accidental. Along with digs at how “mummy and daddy let you get away with it but I wouldn’t”.

I'd probably have started pushing back - using humor or just being blunt and stop worrying about being polite. I found DH just didn't hear a lot of PA comments or didn't want to deal with them so I just started stepping in - when you do turn it round it's remarkable how quickly it can stop or just leave the entire situation with child and limit contact.