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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my child for good?

180 replies

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:06

After being with dp and having sexual assault after assault. I'm done. I'm a shell of myself. I'm too scared to leave. I'm utterly alone. If I leave I'll have no one. We are homeless and have been living with dp and his parents.

Why is it because of what he has done I have to suffer? I have no family or friends that can help. I'm too scared of the thought of going to a hostel and what that may mean and entail for me and my child. I feel like I've horribly failed my dc and don't want her to live a life of poverty and homelessness.

We have already packed our bags so many times during these years of abuse. She is older now and so much more aware. It's not fair for her.

Shall I just leave her with her dad? I made us a nice home here, painted her bedroom. Decorated all our rooms. Made it so everything she could possibly want and need is here.

I have no money to start again. I work one week. I've spent so much money on the furniture I have here.

I'm too weak and pathetic. I don't have the courage to be able to look after her and me all utterly alone. I read single mum threads on here and I know you can do it because you have to but the thought literally makes me have panic attacks.

I've barely got my head over water right now. I'm not in a strong mental place. I can barely deal with processing what's happening to me to have anything left to give dc.

I think it's best for everyone if I surrender her. At least then I will have no ties with dp and his fucked up family anymore. All the fights and forced sex will stop. I can cut off from it all. It will hurt to bad to not have dc, she is my heart. But this is my life. Full of pain and abuse so I'm used to it.

OP posts:
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TregunaMekoides · 13/08/2023 13:08

You need to speak to Women's Aid or Refuge urgently. You're so beaten down that you're not thinking clearly. Leaving your DC with someone who has consistently abused you is not the answer. She needs you. Please don't abandon her to him. There is support out there for you.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 13/08/2023 13:09

Your partner is a rapist. If you leave her with him then there is a chance that he will rape her. Having a lovely bedroom is much less important than being somewhere where she is safe.

Lonecatwithkitten · 13/08/2023 13:09

But if you leave her with him he might move on to her.
Please contact Women's aid they will help get you both out.

Original poster
Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:11

He would never rape her. He wouldn't do anything to her. He only rapes me because we are in a relationship and it's not like he forces me I just say no and he never listens.

If I take dc I will be tying myself to a lifetime of hell. Him and his family won't make it easy for me (talking from experience). I have no to offer my child. No money left thanks to his debts and no house.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 13/08/2023 13:11

How do you think she will feel if you leave her? You need to urgently leave, but you have to take her with you.

Original poster
Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:13

She will be happier in the house she has always known rather than pulled out into a crazy unfamiliar place which is scary. Away from her loving dad and grandparents.

She will resent me for it.

I have nothing to give her. I can't even think straight I'm so hurt. I can't look after her in the state I'm in.

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 13/08/2023 13:14

Please speak to women’s aid or refuge.
At the moment, you may think living in an hostel is bad but leaving your DC with a man who raped you will be even worse. Imagine she’s in a place where you can no longer protect her, don’t think your horrible partner won’t turn on her.
It looks hard and difficult now but she’s safe with you.

Original poster
Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:14

I think I'm just going to give her up. Thanks for your help everyone but I can't do this anymore

OP posts:
Busubaba · 13/08/2023 13:15

If his parents live with you then are they covering up for him?

I wouldn't leave your daughter. Both of you go to a refuge and the police.

THATissoooFETCH · 13/08/2023 13:15

Please leave but take her with you

I know its hard but she needs you

Come on op you got this

gothshot · 13/08/2023 13:16

You cannot leave your child with this man.

mycatsanutter · 13/08/2023 13:16

Do not leave your daughter , it will have a lifetime impact on her . Please ring Womens Aid they can help you . You can start again , daunting as it is . You can't live like this you deserve better.

andthat · 13/08/2023 13:17

@Topzablue i am so glad you posted here. There are some incredibly wise mumsnetters who will be along to hold your hand and give you practical steps. Women who have been where you are now and have come out the other side.

My heart goes out to you… what you are living through is absolutely dreadful….and you are clearly feeling desperate.
Keep posting… you are not alone. X

THATissoooFETCH · 13/08/2023 13:17

And op. I speak as someone whose mother did fuck off and leave them (although not due to abuse) ive never ever forgiven her and the sense of abandonment i felt took me down some dark paths. So dont go thinking she would thank you for leaving her there.

10HailMarys · 13/08/2023 13:17

Do NOT leave your daughter with this man.

Crossstich · 13/08/2023 13:19

Please don't leave her with a man who has abused you. You say he won't hurt her but he is a controlling and abusive man and he is likely to be the same to her as she gets older and wants to live her own life.
Please contact a woman's refuge and/ or the police doe support
Leave but take her with you.
Also if you say no and he doesn't accept it then it absolutely is rape.

Fraaahnces · 13/08/2023 13:19

His debts are not your debts. You don’t have to pay for them. Do you know your legal rights? You might not have any debts at all and be eligible for government help. Please ask women’s aid. I am sure you don’t want your daughter growing up thinking that this is normal.

MuggleMe · 13/08/2023 13:19

As much as I'm with the others about not leaving your child alone with this abusive man, perhaps getting out and getting stronger is the first step, and then you will have the understanding of why you need to fight for your child and the resilience to do so.

Raisinnola · 13/08/2023 13:19

Oh OP, the hopelessness radiate from your post.
do you love your daughter?
Please don’t leave her. When you reach a point of more clarity and you’re away from home you will bitterly regret leaving her and it will be so much harder for you to get her back.
i understand you just wanting to cut ties with him but you just need to take her and leave, go to a refuge then think about your next move afterwards, little steps at a time.

Children don’t care about houses or what they have, they want to know they’re loved.

user1471447924 · 13/08/2023 13:20

Of course you can’t leave her with a rapist. Come on.

CockneySignora · 13/08/2023 13:20

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:13

She will be happier in the house she has always known rather than pulled out into a crazy unfamiliar place which is scary. Away from her loving dad and grandparents.

She will resent me for it.

I have nothing to give her. I can't even think straight I'm so hurt. I can't look after her in the state I'm in.

You’ve ‘nothing to give her’ apart from a mother’s love. That’s more important than a nicely decorated house. You’re not thinking straight because you’re traumatised. Leave as soon as you can and take her with you.

octoberfarm · 13/08/2023 13:20

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. Please don't leave her with him, OP. I know you're scared and horribly overwhelmed but going alone or taking her into a totally unknown world don't have to be your only two options. Speak to Women's Aid urgently, get your ducks in a row and figure out a plan. Everything feels so much more manageable with a plan. What he has done to you is rape, and a man who can repeatedly force his partner into unwanted sexual acts is very much capable of putting your daughter at risk. We're right here with you, holding your hand and giving you strength. You can do this. You can keep her safe and get out yourself. You just need some help to do it. Call Women's Aid. You can do this.

Z0rr0 · 13/08/2023 13:20

@Topzablue You have your love to offer her and for a child that is everything. That and her safety. Everything else can be built. Can I ask (without meaning to sound hideously racist) is this relationship with a man of non British origin where culturally women are subordinate particularly in the eyes of their in-laws?

drivinmecrazy · 13/08/2023 13:21

Please don't OP. If you do all she will remember is that you left her She won't understand why 😢

midnightblue12 · 13/08/2023 13:22

I would've loved outside in a tent with my mum if I had to as. A child.
You are not letting your child down at all. He can have all the money and support he wants but he will never be her strong, inspiring mummy who took her away from that.
In your eyes he may never hurt her, but a kind loving man would never ever treat his partner liek this.
Your confidence has clearly been obliterated, I agree that you absolutely need to speak to women's aid for some support with this.