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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave my child for good?

180 replies

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:06

After being with dp and having sexual assault after assault. I'm done. I'm a shell of myself. I'm too scared to leave. I'm utterly alone. If I leave I'll have no one. We are homeless and have been living with dp and his parents.

Why is it because of what he has done I have to suffer? I have no family or friends that can help. I'm too scared of the thought of going to a hostel and what that may mean and entail for me and my child. I feel like I've horribly failed my dc and don't want her to live a life of poverty and homelessness.

We have already packed our bags so many times during these years of abuse. She is older now and so much more aware. It's not fair for her.

Shall I just leave her with her dad? I made us a nice home here, painted her bedroom. Decorated all our rooms. Made it so everything she could possibly want and need is here.

I have no money to start again. I work one week. I've spent so much money on the furniture I have here.

I'm too weak and pathetic. I don't have the courage to be able to look after her and me all utterly alone. I read single mum threads on here and I know you can do it because you have to but the thought literally makes me have panic attacks.

I've barely got my head over water right now. I'm not in a strong mental place. I can barely deal with processing what's happening to me to have anything left to give dc.

I think it's best for everyone if I surrender her. At least then I will have no ties with dp and his fucked up family anymore. All the fights and forced sex will stop. I can cut off from it all. It will hurt to bad to not have dc, she is my heart. But this is my life. Full of pain and abuse so I'm used to it.

OP posts:
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MummyJ36 · 13/08/2023 15:47

OP please please don’t leave your daughter.

Gazelda · 13/08/2023 15:52

One step at a time.

Don't make any decisions until you know all of the options available to you.

You have choices.

Take some of the great advice on here. Get help to develop a plan that is in yours and your DC's best interests

areyouhavinglaugh · 13/08/2023 15:53

As @webster1987 said

You will be showing your daughter to not accept awful behaviour from men or anyone else. You can do this for her and yourself.

Startyabastard · 13/08/2023 15:56

Women's aid were brilliant with me, they listened and soothed me.
Seriously, think of how many cases they deal with like yours.
The refuge I was put in was lovely and us women helped each other out.
We chatted and watched TV together, a support worker came regularly. They understand.

loislovesstewie · 13/08/2023 15:58

You speak to Women's Aid urgently, you also contact the local authority where you live and ask for help.There is help for you but you do have to make contact with someone. What you don't do is leave your child with an abuser, your duty is to protect your child and you, leaving her behind is not doing that. I was a homeless officer for over 25 years ; there is always something that can be done to improve the situation. I know it feels like a huge step, but please do that now. Tomorrow ,pack your bags, take your documents and go to the local authority. Your daughter needs you.

Nazzywish · 13/08/2023 15:59

Stop justifying leaving her in your head there is no justification. You need to leave . Calls womens aid , get yourself into a shelter and walk out ( when safe) taking your dc with you. DO NOT leave her op. What makes you think she hasn't already been thr subject of any abuse if this man forces you? No one can ever say that 100% especially if he shows that trait with you,why would you place her at even 1% risk of it happening. Your not thinking straight so without thinking just do this. Pick up phone. Call WA. Pack. Get out. Once your out of there you'll think more logically.

123bumblebee · 13/08/2023 16:04

Please don't leave her with a sexual predator. Is there anyone in real life you can speak to? If you were my friend I would put you up in a heartbeat, no questions asked. Or speak to your local DV charity who can advise on refuses. Please, please keep her with you. You are her everything, her safety and security. A nice bedroom means nothing if she is not safe.

Kingoftheroad · 13/08/2023 16:05

Well said

5128gap · 13/08/2023 16:06

The most important thing to do is reach out for real life expert help. They will be able to show you your options so you can make an informed choice as to whether its better for your DD to go with you or to stay for now. You can tell them everything, including why you feel you may not be able to care for DD right now. They will support you without judgement and without telling you what you should do.
Start with women's aid.

Safe16 · 13/08/2023 16:10

I don't understand why posters are giving op long lists of stuff she needs to do . She already overwhelmed and finding things hard irs probably really hard to take in all these long instructions.

Contact womans aid . Get a bag packed (if you can) take your id/ yours dd birth certificate/passports go refuge. That's it for now .

Flamingos89 · 13/08/2023 16:12

If you are genuinely this scared of this man there is no way in hell you should be leaving your child with him!!!!

It sounds like you are at rock bottom and may be making choices you will seriously regret in the future. What’s easiest right now to get out the situation might have very serious consequences for your child.

I can not fathom leaving my child - ALONE with him!

You need to speak to woman's Aid or social services asap!

sweatervest · 13/08/2023 16:33

also have you loggedit on 101? the police were so good and i;m really really sorry you're in this position. it's scary and his behaviour is off the scale and a hostel could be for 6m or 2y or however long. but it'll be safe. i really hope you manage to get out. the police can pull strings and refer you to people. (I was in his position last year).

really good luck.

Riceball · 13/08/2023 16:54

In a couple of years time you will be sitting in your own safe place with your little one and the feeling will be like nothing else.

Take action now to get out.

Cowlover89 · 13/08/2023 16:55

Please leave and take your daughter with you. So sorry you're going through this 😔 ❤

jannier · 13/08/2023 17:09

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:11

He would never rape her. He wouldn't do anything to her. He only rapes me because we are in a relationship and it's not like he forces me I just say no and he never listens.

If I take dc I will be tying myself to a lifetime of hell. Him and his family won't make it easy for me (talking from experience). I have no to offer my child. No money left thanks to his debts and no house.

You won't be the first mum to think that their child is safe with dad and then to find out often years later that wasn't true. If you live with your in-laws they also know what's happening. You will not be the first woman to find that actually there is a way forward, call the numbers you've been suggested above and save yourself and your child.

Flowerpowera7 · 13/08/2023 17:16

Your child would chose to be with you 100%
The abuse has played on your brain and dont let them win. There are people more powerful than your partner and his family. They can help you and you will have a beautiful life with your child. Take her no matter what.

jannier · 13/08/2023 17:18

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:29

All those saying she can't live with a rapist, he will have rights to custody though. So what's the difference

You go through social services and rights can be monitored

DeathstarDarling · 13/08/2023 17:27

Please don't leave your child, you may not know what he does when you are not there. People like this don't care and if they are capable of hurting one vulnerable person they will hurt another if it suits them.

A friend went through this, went to women's aid and got help. He got close to completely breaking her down and she went back to him several times. Eventually she realised it was the kids that were unsafe that made her act. She was rehoused by the council on the other side of town and though it was in a rough estate she was at least with her kids and safe, so much happier. He took her to court with the backing of his family and a fancy barrister and lost all access to her and the kids. Its turned out he was torturing the kids ( in the name of discipline) and pets too as well as all the other stuff and it all came out when the courts got involved.

She lived on benefits and managed. The kids are grown ups now with jobs, partners and qualifications. and barely remember him. They do remember that their mum looked out for them when she was at her lowest ebb.

She really struggled at first and her mental health took the impact but its possible. Please don't leave your daughter with this monster. Its ver scary and he has broken your confidence down, but you don't have to do it on your own.

Mygosh · 13/08/2023 17:41

You say he is abusive and I believe you. So why would you leave your child with him? You are thinking about this through sheer desperation, and I understand. But that is not your only option. DC must have seen how he treats you, the arguments.

Please, please, go to the safe house. I have been there, through women's aid. Yes, it's not luxury but it is will transform your lives. They will help you with benefits and get you on the housing register. Depending on where you live, it generally takes 6-12 months to get rehomed. You will be with other women who understand you. It's possible for you to join the housing register now, technically you are homeless, because being in your current home puts you at risk.

You are strong and brave. Look at what you have been through and you are still here, fighting for a normal life. Women's aid can offer you lots of advice. Also, call the local council, explain your situation. You should be put in the emergency housing bracket.

Stay strong 💐

Wife2b · 13/08/2023 17:58

You need to safeguard your child, you cannot leave her. You must go and take her with you.

Justgorgeous · 13/08/2023 18:05

He is a rapist and a controlling bastard and it sounds like his dad could be cut from the same cloth. What kind of life do you think your child will have with people like that? She will thank you one day for leaving, I promise you that. Good luck, be brave. 🌸

Wintersgirl · 13/08/2023 18:12

Your daughter, being your daughter will be a constant remind to him of you, and an easy target

This, plus he will hurt/abuse her to get to you.....please listen to the advice given OP, I hope you find the strength to leave with your DD

LemonDrizzle10 · 13/08/2023 18:18

Please don’t leave your daughter with them OP. If you get the chance pack passports, birth & marriage certificates and proof of your address then get both of you out of that house.
It’s a hard and scary step to take but your lives will be a million percent better when you do. You’re both not safe there.
Go to the Police or Women’s aid or Ring the NCDV. There’s a lot of help available.
You’re not alone.

Panjandrum123 · 13/08/2023 18:23

@Topzablue please don’t leave your daughter behind. She deserves better and that means going with you.

You can do this. You can leave together. It may be tough but you’ll have each other and safety. Then you can start to rebuild your lives.

💐

AbraKedavra · 13/08/2023 18:26

You're obviously in a very bad place and need help. Also, you don't want your daughter to think this is normal or acceptable in any way. Your priority should be to get help, and as others have posted, go to the police (if you feel strong enough).

However, I'm going to disagree with many posters who seem to think because someone coerced his partner, he's also a threat to his child. Sorry but that's nonsense. He might or might not be a threat to the daughter, but the fact that he coerced his partner has zero relevance.