To leave my child for good?

[Topzablue]

After being with dp and having sexual assault after assault. I'm done. I'm a shell of myself. I'm too scared to leave. I'm utterly alone. If I leave I'll have no one. We are homeless and have been living with dp and his parents.

Why is it because of what he has done I have to suffer? I have no family or friends that can help. I'm too scared of the thought of going to a hostel and what that may mean and entail for me and my child. I feel like I've horribly failed my dc and don't want her to live a life of poverty and homelessness.

We have already packed our bags so many times during these years of abuse. She is older now and so much more aware. It's not fair for her.

Shall I just leave her with her dad? I made us a nice home here, painted her bedroom. Decorated all our rooms. Made it so everything she could possibly want and need is here.

I have no money to start again. I work one week. I've spent so much money on the furniture I have here.

I'm too weak and pathetic. I don't have the courage to be able to look after her and me all utterly alone. I read single mum threads on here and I know you can do it because you have to but the thought literally makes me have panic attacks.

I've barely got my head over water right now. I'm not in a strong mental place. I can barely deal with processing what's happening to me to have anything left to give dc.

I think it's best for everyone if I surrender her. At least then I will have no ties with dp and his fucked up family anymore. All the fights and forced sex will stop. I can cut off from it all. It will hurt to bad to not have dc, she is my heart. But this is my life. Full of pain and abuse so I'm used to it.

I mean I know it’s easy for me to say and hard for you to do but really you can’t just abandon your child.

My heart really goes out to you, OP, you sound so utterly broken by this bastard's awful treatment of you.

Please contact Women's Aid, even if it's just for a chat. At least then you will know a bit more about your options and the help that is available for you and your daughter.

OP, just hugs and 💐. Try to follow the advice from @Cleaningismycardio , it's sound. You need to be safe now, out of his way.

I have some limited experience of marital rape, and a lot of experience of coerced sex. It dehumanises you and messes with your head.

I also have a lot of experience, as a child, of having a mother who was in difficult circumstances - in her case, through mental health issues. I promise you, children want their own mum, no matter how hard she's finding things or how depleted she feels. They will forgive a lot, just to have you there. Take your child when you leave. Go soon. x

Take her with you.

I lived in a hostel with my DS when I left my controlling relationship. Honestly it's not great, but it's not the end of the world.

Yup, totally agree with you, you’re not allowed to speak the truth. But I’m fine with judging a desperate woman and saying it how it isv and I don’t care. I was that child who was left behind by a ‘broken women’ who considered herself weak and pathetic’ I was the child left behind and abused because my mother could only think of how bad it was for her. You can’t think about how bad it is for you when it’s about to be worse for your child, you can’t sacrifice your child in order for you to save yourself.

Well done and good for you! It can only get better and I have so much respect for you! 🤗

This is not true - she will be living with a man that is a rapist, taught that her words and a man’s words or her mother’s don’t matter.

I was you - 10 years ago totally scared and unable to leave. Somewhere, somehow a fire started a small ember and I did and it was hard but easier that being assaulted daily. With antidepressants and counselling I got my life back, my children back - like a phoenix you can rise and fly. And you will teach your daughter that you can do whatever you want to do. Imagine she was you, somewhere - baby steps, call womens aid, get empowered, leave, get trauma counselling, don’t go back and rise.

OP, this is what abusers do. They break you down, take away your sense of confidence and self worth. They make you feel week and pathetic.

You are none of those things. You have just been abused for so long that you've even conditioned to think that it's true.

You need one moment of courage to reach out for support. Contact Woman's Aid and tell them you and your daughter needto get out immediately.

Your strength will return when you are away from this man. Slowly but I promise you it will return. You don't have to continue like this. It's horrific and you don't deserve. Neither does your daughter.

You can do this.

You have plenty to give her, love, understanding and a example of courage to leave a relationship that harms you physically and mentally. Chin up and recover your energy and self steem back, ask for help, check what you are entitled too. One little step at the time. You can do it. It is more difficult to carry on as you are than to make a change. Do it for both of you.

Sending you strength.

I’m sorry but you aren’t thinking straight and you’re not well because of all this abuse,

if you go down the right channels ring refuge womens aid haven etc you will get the support you need you can get the police social services everyone and they will support you. You do not need to surrender your life to nobody and 9/10 these kind of men loose interest in their child if they can no longer abuse the women.

you don’t need to leave your child with that. He might not rape her but he will abuse her in some form mentally emotionally you name it.

ifs better to start from the bottom with just your child than nothing. you CANNOT walk away from your child you’ll cause her much pain and discomfort and anxiety etc and she will never forgive you.

If you take your child with you you'll not be left homeless, they'll give you refuge. If you leave alone there's every chance you'll be homeless, face more abuse on the streets and eventually return home to face worse.

Your child now is young, when she grows up your dp might behave differently to her and abuse her too. You can not be 100% certain. She will not forgive you. You wing know the narratives that will be fed to her.

You'd best option is to call a womans refuge and arrange to leave with dd asap, secretly.

*won't, not wing

Please don't leave her with a rapist. Please seek help. It will take the but you can rebuild your lives.

@Topzablue Women’s aid
Possessions are nothing.
You can leave those behind.

You owe your Daughter a safe place without violence.

If you go, take your child with you. Take only what you really need but do not take Mobile phones, they can have tracking software installed, for tracking your kids,

Go to women's aid, cab, even the police or hospital, council. ask for help

If you leave your child you will never forgive yourself and they may become your partner's next target.

You can't leave your daughter with a rapist.

If you really feel unable to look after her at this time, maybe ask ss about a temporary foster placement?

Where are your family?

I think posting on here you are asking for help OP and that alone is incredibly brave.
You have been given good advice and all are saying the same thing - you cannot leave your daughter with such an abusive family, you will never, ever forgive yourself.
With the help of Womens Aid, you CAN get out and start again, it won’t be easy but I believe one day you will be able to look back and be proud of escaping with your daughter, if you leave her there that will never be.
Many, many have done it before OP and you are equally strong.

@Topzablue
you say her grandad watched while his son pushed you over and didn’t intervene. There is absolutely no guarantee that she’s safe with her grandparents either if you leave. They may be the kindest and most loving grandparents but if they also can’t/won’t stick up for her then she’s in danger.

She will never understand why you left her. Instead you can be a role model and find the strength to get yourself and her to safety.

I don't think all these "she needs her mummy", "don't abandon your daughter", "think of your child" posts are helpful to a woman on the brink of a nervous breakdown which is what it sounds like.

We are giving the OP too much data. Let's focus on nothing but the first step.

OP: you don't need to do anything at all right now except call Womens Aid. Just make that first call and report back to the thread, and let's take it from there.

You are going to be okay. Don't panic. It is going to be okay xx

Don't leave your daughter. You both need to escape. Get help but do not leave her. She will never forgive you.

Speak to Women's Aid please OP and go to a shelter, it'll be fine I promise, and they'll help you get on your feet. The shelter part probably won't be for long at all, then they'll help you get set up in a new home x

He won't if he's a convicted rapist...you have power as her mother, as a survivor of his hurt and there is support out there. It sounds like you are really at rock bottom so at this point, you have nothing to lose by seeking support. That only needs to be advice at this stage. I have experience of women's refuges and I would say they have been some of the most supportive inspiring places I've known.

He has made you feel like this. You have the power to put an end to it and ensure your daughter does not grow to believe his behaviour towards women is what to expect from life. You may be sure he won't rape her, but it's a risk you cannot possibly take. Social services are there to support you with parenting, it's not all 'taking children' and have dedicated teams to support families. You and her. Right now, you can't see through it all, because it's bloody hard. But I urge you to speak to women's aid, before you make any decision that will hurt your daughter and break your heart.