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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave my child for good?

180 replies

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:06

After being with dp and having sexual assault after assault. I'm done. I'm a shell of myself. I'm too scared to leave. I'm utterly alone. If I leave I'll have no one. We are homeless and have been living with dp and his parents.

Why is it because of what he has done I have to suffer? I have no family or friends that can help. I'm too scared of the thought of going to a hostel and what that may mean and entail for me and my child. I feel like I've horribly failed my dc and don't want her to live a life of poverty and homelessness.

We have already packed our bags so many times during these years of abuse. She is older now and so much more aware. It's not fair for her.

Shall I just leave her with her dad? I made us a nice home here, painted her bedroom. Decorated all our rooms. Made it so everything she could possibly want and need is here.

I have no money to start again. I work one week. I've spent so much money on the furniture I have here.

I'm too weak and pathetic. I don't have the courage to be able to look after her and me all utterly alone. I read single mum threads on here and I know you can do it because you have to but the thought literally makes me have panic attacks.

I've barely got my head over water right now. I'm not in a strong mental place. I can barely deal with processing what's happening to me to have anything left to give dc.

I think it's best for everyone if I surrender her. At least then I will have no ties with dp and his fucked up family anymore. All the fights and forced sex will stop. I can cut off from it all. It will hurt to bad to not have dc, she is my heart. But this is my life. Full of pain and abuse so I'm used to it.

OP posts:
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nonheme · 13/08/2023 14:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Defiantjazz · 13/08/2023 14:21

You can’t leave a child with an abusive man. Leave, but take her with you.

Missrabbithasfainted · 13/08/2023 14:24

Sorry OP, but I’ve heard plenty of stories of a mother leaving and the abuse turning onto the daughter including rape. It happens.

You cannot leave your daughter with a dangerous man.

isthismylifenow · 13/08/2023 14:25

OP, as pp said upthread, you don't have to have this all planned out today. You have made the first step in reaching out.

The next step is to make a phone call to the numbers that pp have posted for you. Just make the phone call, to get help for the next step.

That is all you need to do right now. Just make the call.

ChrisPPancake · 13/08/2023 14:26

Leave. But take your child.

Please speak with Women's Aid. You can chat online at https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Or call one of the numbers below.

To leave my child for good?
skinnytobe · 13/08/2023 14:26

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:29

All those saying she can't live with a rapist, he will have rights to custody though. So what's the difference

He won't if you report him.

Threatenmewithadeadfish · 13/08/2023 14:31

Titfortat78 · 13/08/2023 14:00

You don't know that he won't a sex offender is a sex offender. This is why that couple with the baby were on the run. Because he's a sex offender. Though he had never assaulted a child there's still a risk he will. Sometimes when they're partner leaves they turn to the nearest victim to them they're own child. Even have them sleeping in bed in place of they're partner.

@Titfortat78 if you mean Marten and Gordon, they’d actually had several kids removed by SS before as the woman was quite disturbed. It was not purely or even mainly because of a Gordon’s history.

Blue444 · 13/08/2023 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

andthat · 13/08/2023 14:32

@nonheme the PP offered some solutions… you didn’t. That’s the difference.

Anyway, let’s not clog this thread arguing between us.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2023 14:32

@Topzablue

"The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step"

I know you're terrified. I know you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But you have to take that single step.

Take your DD and walk into the nearest police station. Tell them what you've been living with. Ask them to help you find a safe place. At this point it's not about reporting a rape, it's not about whether or not he is given access to DD. It is about GETTING YOU AND DD OUT and nothing more. The rest of it you can deal with in its own time.

When you say you have no family or friends to help, what do you mean? Do you mean they live in another country? Do you mean they don't have the financial means to help you with another place to live? Do you mean literally that they are all no longer living or all in terribly ill health? Or is it possible that you have been alienated from them or that they have been alienated from you by your abusive partner? Think carefully. Many times in abusive situations we think we have no one, but in reality the abusive partner has orchestrated fights or arguments between us and our loved ones, has given us a 'me or them' ultimatum, or has lied to us that they no longer love and care about us. This is all deliberately orchestrated to make us feel that we are alone.

If the above 'rings true' to you, then reach out to the people you have 'lost'. If alienation has taken place or even if they've 'cut you off' because you chose him, I will be willing to bet that they have been praying for your call. If you have to apologize for angry words you may have spoken based on his lies, explain and then do so. If you have to hear "We told you so" a few times, I guarantee it will be worth it. Even if they can't physically help you due to distance or lack of resources their emotional support can mean the world. At this point, what do you have to lose by reaching out?

Don't stay. Don't leave your DD. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you do. You can get both of you out. No one here is saying it will be easy, or 'pleasant'. But we are saying it can be done.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 13/08/2023 14:33

Speak to women’s aid.
They will have factual advice for you and can talk you through it every step of the way.

Please listen to the women who’ve been in similar situations.

You say your DP would never rape your DD but he has absolutely no respect for you and so why would he respect DD?

You are finally strong enough to leave, which is amazing.
Now it’s just time to put it all into place.

You need to speak to women’s aid and get them to put you in a refuge.
Once there you need to ring the police and tell them everything.
I’d also tell them that it has been witnessed by his parents and if it’s been witnessed by DD tell them that too.

This will make sure your DD stays safe and stops him from getting full custody.

If you have your DD with you then you can get benefits and housing, whereas if you’re alone it would be more challenging.

It is quite a common occurrence that once a female child gets to a certain age the abusive dad will treat her in a similar way to her mum.
This can be either through rape or SA or controlling behaviour or violence.
I couldn’t imagine leaving my child alone with someone who has this potential.

We and women’s aid will help you every step of the way.
Just focus on one step at a time else it gets too overwhelming.

I think the first step should be ringing womens aid and explaining the situation.
They’ll then tell you what to do next, which will probably be to go into a refuge.

Careerdilemma · 13/08/2023 14:34

Do you think you could safely record an incident so you have irrefutable proof that he is a rapist? Then you could report him to the police. I know that would be a difficult path, but easier if you had solid evidence. A convicted rapist isn't going to be seeing his child. You could move away and start again free from him.

Your daughter needs to see that women shouid not tolerate this treatment.

Cleaningismycardio · 13/08/2023 14:34

Op, you are scared and not thinking clearly. This situation is not your fault. You must be very overwhelmed. Please follow the steps below:

  1. Leave the house with your your daughter, purse and phone. Under no circumstances leave your daughter in the house.
  2. Go to a refuge or a police station. If this step is too big go to a pharmacy or your local job centre and use the code word ANI (Action Needed Immediately) They will offer you a private, safe space where you can think for a bit. They will give you a phone and phone Women's Aid from here. They will also offer other services e.g police but you don't have to take this step yet.
  3. Once you have contacted Women's Aid you are not alone. They will offer support, safety, clothes, toiletries and practical advice. They will start this journey with you and talk you through things one step at a time.

All you need to think about now is leaving and going to one of the places of safety above. Don't try to sort out other things at this stage. If you can and want to, stay with us OP. We can offer emotional support. I will be watching your thread and sending you luck and love. xx

Zanatdy · 13/08/2023 14:34

You’re inflicting her with a lifetime of rejection if you leave her. You cannot be sure this man won’t hurt her in some way in the future. Please speak with Women’s aid and re-think any plans to leave her. She needs you

Redwinestillfine · 13/08/2023 14:34

Should you leave your child unprotected with an abuser? No. Absolutely not. I am sorry that this is even on your radar as an option op. Please approach the police or women's aid and get help. Any option is preferable.

nzborn · 13/08/2023 14:34

Fuck no,my mother left when I was about 2 due to my father's violence,left me behind with no regrets and he just moved on to me,it has effected alllllllllllll of my life

astarsheis · 13/08/2023 14:35

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:11

He would never rape her. He wouldn't do anything to her. He only rapes me because we are in a relationship and it's not like he forces me I just say no and he never listens.

If I take dc I will be tying myself to a lifetime of hell. Him and his family won't make it easy for me (talking from experience). I have no to offer my child. No money left thanks to his debts and no house.

If you say no and he still carries on...he is raping you! You need to get both yourself and your daughter away...and you should have reported him to the police by now.
There will be more experienced mumsneters that will give you all the best advice on how to get away from this man.
Please do not leave your daughter behind with a rapist.

IncompleteSenten · 13/08/2023 14:36

I understand you feel utterly broken. But if you leave your child with an abusive man and his, in your words, "fucked up family" what life are you condemning her to? Do you think she will be raised in a loving and safe environment?

She won't.

You need help and support. Leaving your child to suffer alone will never give you peace.

IncompleteSenten · 13/08/2023 14:37

Help and support to leave safely with your child, that should read.

Pandaflop · 13/08/2023 14:37

Cleaningismycardio · 13/08/2023 14:34

Op, you are scared and not thinking clearly. This situation is not your fault. You must be very overwhelmed. Please follow the steps below:

  1. Leave the house with your your daughter, purse and phone. Under no circumstances leave your daughter in the house.
  2. Go to a refuge or a police station. If this step is too big go to a pharmacy or your local job centre and use the code word ANI (Action Needed Immediately) They will offer you a private, safe space where you can think for a bit. They will give you a phone and phone Women's Aid from here. They will also offer other services e.g police but you don't have to take this step yet.
  3. Once you have contacted Women's Aid you are not alone. They will offer support, safety, clothes, toiletries and practical advice. They will start this journey with you and talk you through things one step at a time.

All you need to think about now is leaving and going to one of the places of safety above. Don't try to sort out other things at this stage. If you can and want to, stay with us OP. We can offer emotional support. I will be watching your thread and sending you luck and love. xx

This is good advice OP. Of course the future feels scary and full of unknowns right now, but there are people who can help and who want to help. Please reach out to women's aid, they're amazing and will give practical and also some emotional support. Not feeling like you can currently cope with removing yourself from the situation and your daughter is different to willingly leaving your child with an abusive rapist. You don't have to do this alone, but please do also consider the safety of your daughter. Do you have any friends you can open up to?

isthismylifenow · 13/08/2023 14:39

Cleaningismycardio · 13/08/2023 14:34

Op, you are scared and not thinking clearly. This situation is not your fault. You must be very overwhelmed. Please follow the steps below:

  1. Leave the house with your your daughter, purse and phone. Under no circumstances leave your daughter in the house.
  2. Go to a refuge or a police station. If this step is too big go to a pharmacy or your local job centre and use the code word ANI (Action Needed Immediately) They will offer you a private, safe space where you can think for a bit. They will give you a phone and phone Women's Aid from here. They will also offer other services e.g police but you don't have to take this step yet.
  3. Once you have contacted Women's Aid you are not alone. They will offer support, safety, clothes, toiletries and practical advice. They will start this journey with you and talk you through things one step at a time.

All you need to think about now is leaving and going to one of the places of safety above. Don't try to sort out other things at this stage. If you can and want to, stay with us OP. We can offer emotional support. I will be watching your thread and sending you luck and love. xx

Bumping this post for you to read again OP.

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 13/08/2023 14:41

Afternoon, @Topzablue

We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Life sounds unimaginably tough right now and it's heartening to see how much support and good advice you're getting from your fellow MNers.

As everyone on this thread will no doubt agree, it's also really important to seek real life help for your situation, even if it feels too difficult in this very moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like yours are flagged to us by concerned MNers (and lots of people have been in touch with us directly to say how worried they are for you and your DD), we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. Please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page, which should give some pointers on ways in which you can reach out for help in real life.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Domestic Violence Support Webguide | Mumsnet

A guide to information and services related to domestic violence. Find reliable organisations and support services here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

ArabeIIaScott · 13/08/2023 14:44

Please call Women's Aid. Please don't leave your daughter.

You are not thinking straight because you are being abused.

There are people who can help you, and your daughter, if you choose to leave.

Defiantjazz · 13/08/2023 14:44

What are you going to tell her one day when she asks why you left her with an abusive rapist? "You had a nice bedroom" ? "I didn't want to figure out how to take you with me" ?

This.

xyz111 · 13/08/2023 14:46

Topzablue · 13/08/2023 13:13

She will be happier in the house she has always known rather than pulled out into a crazy unfamiliar place which is scary. Away from her loving dad and grandparents.

She will resent me for it.

I have nothing to give her. I can't even think straight I'm so hurt. I can't look after her in the state I'm in.

She will resent you 100% if you leave her. My mum left me and DB, not in these circumstances, but still left. I've never forgiven her 25 years later.
You don't know for certain he won't take any anger out on her. You need to get courage and fight for what's best for her. Speak to the charities that others have posted to help support you.