To leave my child for good?

[Topzablue]

After being with dp and having sexual assault after assault. I'm done. I'm a shell of myself. I'm too scared to leave. I'm utterly alone. If I leave I'll have no one. We are homeless and have been living with dp and his parents.

Why is it because of what he has done I have to suffer? I have no family or friends that can help. I'm too scared of the thought of going to a hostel and what that may mean and entail for me and my child. I feel like I've horribly failed my dc and don't want her to live a life of poverty and homelessness.

We have already packed our bags so many times during these years of abuse. She is older now and so much more aware. It's not fair for her.

Shall I just leave her with her dad? I made us a nice home here, painted her bedroom. Decorated all our rooms. Made it so everything she could possibly want and need is here.

I have no money to start again. I work one week. I've spent so much money on the furniture I have here.

I'm too weak and pathetic. I don't have the courage to be able to look after her and me all utterly alone. I read single mum threads on here and I know you can do it because you have to but the thought literally makes me have panic attacks.

I've barely got my head over water right now. I'm not in a strong mental place. I can barely deal with processing what's happening to me to have anything left to give dc.

I think it's best for everyone if I surrender her. At least then I will have no ties with dp and his fucked up family anymore. All the fights and forced sex will stop. I can cut off from it all. It will hurt to bad to not have dc, she is my heart. But this is my life. Full of pain and abuse so I'm used to it.

My mum could of written this

she suffered vicious violent assaults and domestic violence. We left many times and no one would take us in (there were never really help for domestic violence in the 80’s) and I remember going back each time……

I’ve had tremendous mental health issues when I was younger due to this but I struck gold with a dr and I was able to get out of that at aged 25 or so….

if she’d of left me there I don’t think I’d of survived…..

when I was 13 we didn’t have enough money for both of us to eat so often she wouldn’t do I could. We became homeless and lived on the streets for a few weeks (I have now volunteered with the homeless myself for over 28 years)

eventually we got a flat but they were horrrifc. I had to share a bathroom with 8 other families

but we did it and to be truly honest…..my mum is my hero, occasionally we had trouble but it made me who I am today and I really like who I am. I know I can make it through most difficulties and I know I’ll come out the other side

dont leave her. Please

This. Please also read my message.

If it is not safe for you it is not safe for your daughter. Right now he is actually using her as a weapon against you. Once you are gone she is at his mercy. Speak to the refuge and be 100% sure of your options.

Reach out to @parttimeworkingmummy on Instagram Rach Hambleton she’s an expert In these types of cases

Just came back to say if I had £10 for the number of women who have said to me' he wouldn't hurt the kids'! And the man does. Please LISTEN; you are a responsible adult , you should protect your child. If you don't protect her then what? If you told me when I was working that you had left your child with an abuser , I would have been duty bound to walk straight to my colleagues in social services and tell them what you had done. PLEASE think about that.

No way on earth would I leave my child with a man like that. She will hate you forever and have severe abandonement issues for the rest of her life thanks to you. Call a refuge and take her immediately. The rest you can figure out when you're out of that situation.

That's really not helpful.

OP is clearly in a very tough place right now she needs support, comfort and encouragement, not haranguing.

You report the rape. Doubt he will get custody then

And also, don’t leave her with the man. You as an adult can’t cope with him. So, why would you leave your daughter behind to deal with him

In the nicest possible way you need to get a fucking grip. She does not have a voice and you are bloody duty bound to protect her. I'm actually livid that any mother would consider this, in a place of desperation or not

He has broken you to the point you think you can’t leave . He’s winning . Like you said you have read on here about other doing ut and moving on from abuse .

tThis had got to be one of worst things I’ve read I am so so sorry

He will threaten all sorts but he only has control while you stay and are silent , but once you talk his control has gone .

he will threaten social work and all sorts bit always remember you know in you heart the truth.

please please please go to women’s aid with your dd .

I think if it was my daughter leaving her behind would destroy her more . She could cope with change with me by her side and to explain why.

pack a bag pick her up and go you have support and people to Protect you. Once the truth is put he won’t be so smart.

Even if he were not to assault or hurt your daughter, what kind of message do you think a man like that will send to her about what her worth is in the world? Even if she had all the material comfort in the world, what will having a man prepared to repeatedly rape her mother as a parent do to her?

I'm sorry that sounds harsh - yes, you will be dragging her from the familiar to a period of material hardship. But it will not be like that forever - you will one day look back and be so profoundly thankful that you both got out and that the hard bits were worth it and she will have an amazing role model of a mum to look up to who was able to make that break. Take it one day at a time, on step at a time - you can do it!

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but please don’t leave your daughter with an abuser. Call women’s aid. Report your rapist husband to the police and create a paper trail.

However hard it is, she is not safe with a man who rapes his wife or grandparents that watch her mother being abused… don’t allow yourself to be convinced she is safe there, she’s not.

Don’t leave your child with him

Leave and take her with you

I can guarantee that he doesn’t want her, he’s only making out things like that to make you stay.

Leave him, take your daughter, and even if you only have one room and each other, it’s more than you have now.

I’ve worked in a refuge. They do vary but definitely for the one I worked in we did absolutely everything to give the kids the best life they could whilst they were with us. We did trips, we had a playroom with toys, we had nice things in the family’s room when they arrived.

If you go to a refuge you will also have counselling and a caseworker who will help you with things like challenging custody. Practically some women just change their names, change their children’s names and completely start again so they aren’t found by violent men.
I keep in touch with some of my lady’s and they are living good lives.
I won’t lie there will be loss and you will question what you’ve done but short term loss of small comforts is surely worth it for a life of freedom!

Please be brave, summon your courage and get out with your little girl.

That is rape.. I am sorry this is happening to you.. you deserve better.

Please please please do not leave a little girl with this man. There are charities that will help you. Rape crisis and women's aid are a good start.

This happened to my friend.. she had two little girls and she was put in temporary accommodation for 3 months (no where near as bad as she imagined!) And then given a lovely three bedroom council house. She went back to work and slowly turned that house into a beautiful loving home. She is also getting married next year to a man who would do anything for her.

Her ex has contact but it's supervised.

You can do it, there's help out there! 💐

Please ring Women’s Aid or Refuge; they will help you. They will find you somewhere safe for you both to go.

Please don’t leave your daughter behind; she’ll be at real risk and will never get over it.

Thanks for all of your responses. I agree my head is not in the right place and have calmed down alot.

We have decided to split amicably. As much as I want to cut him off and have nothing to do with him I will still let dc see her dad and family and be open to seeing him for special occasions.

I feel bad enough that our issues are resulting on our child having to have split parents, I don't want her to feel like she is missing out or make our hardship hers..

I will be going to the council in the meantime.

Well done OP, stay strong. Maybe see your GP and talk to them too?

The issues causing you to split are his, not yours.

Keep updating here and I’m sure you’ll get lots of support and helpful advice x

Please make sure your honest with the council.do not down play anything.

@Davyjones, you are so brave to have fought to get yourself out of your abusive relationship, a real inspiration to OP so she can see it is possible to escape with her DC. Ringing Woman's Aid is the first step. I am very pleased your life has improved DavyJones.

If not tonight, tomorrow, pack a bad for you & dd, go to your nearest police station & tell them you have been raped & abused. They will have a specialist officer who will help you. Also, contact Women's Aid & Rape Crisis. I left after being raped by my dh, ds & I left with the clothes we stood up in & ds pet hamster, we were lucky & stayed with my mum & dad at first & then moved in with my dp until we got a council house. The police can accompany you back to collect all your belongings & keep you safe, leaving is the hard part but I promise you it will get better & one day you will wonder why ever you stayed so long with him.

Yes that's who I ment. I knew they had a child before baby Victoria taken but never knew there was more.

Witnessing abuse is being abused. If your daughter has witnessed any of the abuse against you it means she may be traumatised being around him. She won't see him as a safe parent but as someone unsafe. I hated being left alone even for an evening with my abusive dad. It wasn't just what he was like with us children but also what I had witnessed . My mum didn't consider he had "hurt" us either. Please take her with you .

Abused wives and mothers often underestimate the hurt their abuser has caused or could cause their children. Witnessing abuse changes the brain and limbic system. And even if it's not hitting doesn't mean it's not hurt.

I am sorry you are enduring this.