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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not following rules

299 replies

katfrat · 12/08/2023 06:49

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 12/08/2023 06:56

I think YABU, you have a girlfriend, he has a fuck buddy outside of the marriage. The fact that she contacted you actually shows some concern woman to woman.

Eyesopenwideawake · 12/08/2023 07:00

PurpleFlower1983 · 12/08/2023 06:56

I think YABU, you have a girlfriend, he has a fuck buddy outside of the marriage. The fact that she contacted you actually shows some concern woman to woman.

I agreee. "My wife and I have an open relationship" is a line trotted out so often. I'd want direct confirmation from the wife too.

CardiganBardigan · 12/08/2023 07:00

If I was her I'd have done the same. I'm sure loads of men give the whole 'open marriage' line when they're trying to fuck around. Very rarely does it turn out to be true.

But isn't this one if the risks of opening up a marriage though - one of you will end up meeting someone you like more and then it gets messy?

SorrentoLemon · 12/08/2023 07:01

I mean, he shouldn't have lied to you, but isn't this the risk with open marriages, especially with a husband who is half way around the world? I don't understand why you're mad that this woman contacted you to confirm you had an open marriage. Surely you understand that she would want to check that out before entering into something with your husband?

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 07:03

You can’t have it all ways. You want to open up your marriage but you have to understand that involves involving people who have their own boundaries. Why should yours trump this woman’s?

Hufflepods · 12/08/2023 07:03

So your issue is you don’t want to know who he is with but you’ve had a relationship for going on 2 years?
I think you’re being a bit contradictory all in your own favour to be honest.

Athenashairbrush · 12/08/2023 07:03

You've just discovered what is wrong with the 'open marriage scenario OP.

Unfortunately you can't unring that bell.

I have no idea how you can negotiate this.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-marital-labyrinth-series/202110/the-problem-open-marriage

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 12/08/2023 07:06

I'm with him on this. You can't have your own girlfriend then tell him that his potential partner checking the situation is real is breaking the rules so he can't have his girlfriend.

Sounds more like you are jealous he has a girlfriend too and want to stop that.

Newusernameaug · 12/08/2023 07:08

YABU by telling him he couldn’t see her! That was really controlling.

Her messaging shows that actually she has integrity and I’d respect her far more - she doesn’t want drama or to be involved in something that’s a lie.

This is actually about your jealousy and you’re projecting that onto DH.
this is your issue, not his.

seafronty · 12/08/2023 07:10

I am SHOCKED that the open marriage is struggling. I am really really stunned. I know of no couple anywhere who decided on this and it lasted. It always fails.

Takacupokindnessyet · 12/08/2023 07:11

Yabu for vetoing this woman for no real reason.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2023 07:11

She sounds great. Definitely the kind of sister we need in the world. Boundaries, checking in, what a woman.

WaltzingWaters · 12/08/2023 07:14

Yeah I’m sorry but I think yabu here. It sounds as though she was trying to make sure he really was in an open relationship and that he wasn’t just using that line so she’d have sex with him. Sounds more like she was doing this out of kindness than for drama.
You’ve had second relationship for a long time now and sounds like you don’t want you DH to have one too.

BeeBelle16 · 12/08/2023 07:15

Yes YABU she did the right thing

How else was she supposed to make sure she wasn't being spun a line by some guy for sex with his poor wife sat at home thinking her dear husband is faithful?

MiddleParking · 12/08/2023 07:16

SHE seems like drama???

Monkeylimas · 12/08/2023 07:17

She sounds like she was making sure he wasn’t a typical lying common garden ‘my wife doesn’t understand meeeee’ type. Fair play to her for not wanting the drama or to shag a liar. She was checking you weren’t in the dark.

Your husband however is a liar and that is despite you having an open marriage. That is trickier to resolve. Why did he lie?

BCBird · 12/08/2023 07:17

If I was the woman I would have done the same,although I would not choose to get involved with someone in an.open relationship. It is his choice who he sees not your's.

tuvamoodyson · 12/08/2023 07:19

YABU

hattie43 · 12/08/2023 07:21

Well what did you expect . Really , an open marriage is exactly that , there are no boundaries.

KajsaKavat · 12/08/2023 07:23

If anything this woman is a good person, she didn’t want to ruin a marriage so she
checked that your husband wasn’t just the usual cheating type. YABU

Paintedtoenail · 12/08/2023 07:24

Why bother being married. What’s the point of taking marriage vows when you are both off shagging other people. 🙄

With these circumstances it sounds like you sow what you reap. What do you honestly expect though ?

🤷‍♀️

Alfiemoon1 · 12/08/2023 07:28

Yabu. She did the right thing to check he was in an open marriage

readbooksdrinktea · 12/08/2023 07:29

You're so unreasonable.

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 07:30

I don’t understand why this has caused you so much anxiety, you’ve got an open marriage, you know he shags other women, but you don’t like the fact one contacted you?

the contacting you is the least issue here, to be honest!

He obviously is getting his sexual needs met by this woman, so what’s the issue? That’s what you both wanted?

I mean in my opinion your relationship is not a relationship, but it’s what you both wanted.

rwalker · 12/08/2023 07:32

credit to her for checking