Husband not following rules

[katfrat]

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

I think YABU about blaming this woman who sounds like she was trying to do the right thing and avoid being the other woman. However I can understand why this would have upset you and having seen her you'd want him to end things so you weren't picturing them together. He has lied to you and breached your trust which is not acceptable. If he wanted to keep seeing her he should have discussed it with you and not agreed to stop. Sounds to me like a serious conversation needs to be had about respecting boundaries. If there's no trust there's no relationship.

And if shes asking you, she isnt looking for pure sex. Think about what she is being told and how your husband is presenting the situation.

I thought an open marriage was that you have sex with other people just purely for the physical aspect not "I've had a girlfriend for 18 months".

I think you have really shot yourself in the foot here. Whilst you are going to get something different from her than from your husband, the danger is, if he now gets himself a girlfriend like you have who he DOES have great sex with (that he wasn't getting from you apparently you said) and she ticks all other boxes then you become redundant. Recipe for disaster.

You being greedy and taking a long term girlfriend instead of meaningless sexual interactions, which is usually the norm in open marriages, may just be the end of your marriage. Sounds like the new woman he has lied to you about may be it.

The ‘rules’ seem to be very much skewed in your favour OP. Not gonna lie, but i just don’t see the point in open marriages. Far too complicated and I couldn’t be arsed with it, but each to their own………

Or just say "I am in an open marriage - you don't have to contact me, go ahead"

If its nothing to be ashamed of then don't go acting like its a secret

Yes, and she brought an innocent child into this seedy, sordid setup. Disgusting. Their life is a mess. And the message it is sending to the child that marriage means nothing and screwing others outside of the institution of marriage is ok. I feel sorry for the poor child!

I agree with this.

It's like when some women (including one of my friends IRL) say "I'd rather my husband cheated on me with a prostitute than had a real love affair". - nb I strongly disagree with that sentiment but I sense op would agree with it

YABU

You have agreed to an open marriage where you admit to extramarital sex yourself but you want editorial rights over who your husband sleeps with - gotta be a word for that ?.

We made three very sincere vows/promises when we got married. Appreciate civil ceremonies are different:

For mutual comfort
For the procreation of children
For the avoidance of sin

Your marriage was over when you decided the first and last didn't apply.

She was simply doing due diligence. Good for her.

Honestly OP, she’s really not the one who sounds like she’s bringing the drama in this scenario. She sounds like she’s got her head on straight and was trying to do the right thing for her own sake and yours. You, on the other hand …

Are you quite sure the whole ‘open’ thing is working for you if one tiny bit of contact from this person makes you this jealous and irrational? I understand that it’s him overriding your veto (and potentially therefore being emotionally invested) that’s the betrayal here, but surely you understand that when you mutually decide to fuck other people there a million ways in which natural human emotions can get in the way and create exactly this kind of shitshow?

I wasn't there when you had your conversation so the 'rules' are unclear, but from OWs pov it seems perfectly reasonable to check things out. You said you didn't want to know about her and asked your husband not to tell you. He didn't, but there are other people involved her. She needs to follow her rules.
I'd say your OH is dating whether he knows it or not. He's chosen 1 woman and yhat woman is invested enough to continue seeing him and do her research. You've told him he can't see her. Why? She broke one of your rules that she probably didn't know existed.
I'm also confused that you both seem to be making this about sexual needs yet here you both are not shagging around, but each with a girlfriend. Id guess its intamacy you really need. If he's returning to the same woman id guess he has feelings for her. He's deliberately hidden things from you because atm this woman means more to him than your marriage. I'd say there's a good chance you're heading for a divorce.
You have your girlfriend. He has is. Careful what you wish for.

Oh bore off. You can't tell someone what their marriage means to them.

YABU for finding anything wrong with her reaching out to verify what he has told her.

YABU for calling her drama for doing so - she sounds sensible.

YABU for banning their relationship. You have an open marriage, s it anything to do with you?

YANBU for being upset that he lied to you. However, how badly did you react to her reaching out? Sounds like you were quite intense/unfair as you expected him to break it off on your say so.

I have no experience of open marriages, but I am surprised that you are so queasy about knowing anything about his partners in your situation (especially casual ones). Surely this all goes with the territory?

YABU she was quite courteous really just checking he wasn’t having an affair which I think of anything shows she is a good woman. I don’t get all this open relationship stuff personally and think it just adds another thing to the relationship that could go wrong.

I don't think she is ashamed.

I think she's comfortable knowing it happens, but doesn't want a face or name attached. I understand that.

There's an innocent child in this shit show. Your marriage is dead your vows broken just seperate and have your own relationships it'd clearly not working is it?

That's why OP doesn't like it. He wasn't supposed to hook up with a "good woman".

The part that is confusing me the most is that you say you have good open communication. But then go on to say you don't want to know who he is fucking.

Maybe I just don't get open relationships. Perhaps only certain things fall into the open communication bit.

It just sounds like you are cohabitating for the sake of your child tbh.

Solid communication is key in a successful open relationship, and that can include third parties too, should they want verification of the open status rather than take it at face value.

You're both in the wrong here. Your husband may be fine with your other relationship so I'm not talking about double standards. But you shouldn't get to call the shots on who he has sex with, as the woman contacting you was doing so from a place of concern for you and your relationship rather than risking it. Equally, it is really crucial that if either party is no longer happy with the set up, it stops. He shouldn't have carried on seeing her.

On the contrary to what people always claim on threads like these, I know a good few people in open relationships who are very happy. We've had periods of being open in ours without issue too.

Sounds like you're jealous of this woman being with your husband. But you have a girlfriend yourself. I think it was good she reached out to check she wasn't being manipulated. You can't have it both ways.

You don't have to bring your own sanctimonious nonsense into this.

I'm sure they're not fucking in front of the child. I'm sure the child doesn't know anything about it. Get a grip.

Why would you draw that conclusion? It sounds like she’s a decent woman who doesn’t want to threaten someone else’s marriage. She’s done exactly what MN recommends when a married man propositions someone else.

Should have posted on the sex board OP... 🤣