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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not following rules

299 replies

katfrat · 12/08/2023 06:49

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

OP posts:
Mutinyonthecrunchie · 12/08/2023 16:32

Your whole set up is totally screwed up, you can hardly complain .

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:37

Would OP prefer it if he slept with women who couldn’t care less if he was in reality cheating on his wife?
Probably.
I might be way off base but I can't help wonder if the women her DH is allowed to sleep with are meant to be just tools for sex now and then, something reasonably disposable that give her some credit in the bank to maintain having her relationship with her girlfriend.

These women aren't valued as people and certainly aren't meant to have a personality or much about them. They're meant to be the sort of woman who won't check if the open marriage line is true.

Part of the rules in the OP's head seem to be that he's only allowed to have open involvement with a certain type of woman, and he's not meant to find a 'good one'. Him finding a woman who has a bit about her, wants to confirm he's not spinning her a line, and that he likes enough to want to spend time with beyond sex isn't part of the expectations.

(I don't agree with viewing women as good/bad based on their sex lives but it's the best way I can express the idea that I think might be going on).

AnneAnon · 12/08/2023 16:41

To be honest I’m not so full of admiration for the “other woman”. What decent person would want to tie themselves up in this mess??

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 16:42

@LolaSmiles i agree with the general sentiment of your post.

Ops attitude towards women made me uncomfortable but I couldn’t articulate it. But you have.

He is ok to sleep with women as long as they are disposable and he doesn’t view them as anything other than a sex doll. Yet she can have a relationship with a woman who is (I assume) decent and treated with some humanity.

Chickenkeev · 12/08/2023 16:46

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:37

Would OP prefer it if he slept with women who couldn’t care less if he was in reality cheating on his wife?
Probably.
I might be way off base but I can't help wonder if the women her DH is allowed to sleep with are meant to be just tools for sex now and then, something reasonably disposable that give her some credit in the bank to maintain having her relationship with her girlfriend.

These women aren't valued as people and certainly aren't meant to have a personality or much about them. They're meant to be the sort of woman who won't check if the open marriage line is true.

Part of the rules in the OP's head seem to be that he's only allowed to have open involvement with a certain type of woman, and he's not meant to find a 'good one'. Him finding a woman who has a bit about her, wants to confirm he's not spinning her a line, and that he likes enough to want to spend time with beyond sex isn't part of the expectations.

(I don't agree with viewing women as good/bad based on their sex lives but it's the best way I can express the idea that I think might be going on).

That's pretty savage, but i think you're bang on the money there.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:50

To be honest I’m not so full of admiration for the “other woman”. What decent person would want to tie themselves up in this mess??
Consensual non-monogamy isn't my cup of tea but if someone is interested in another person and doesn't want the strings of building a life together/isn't seeking a long term romantic partner, I can see why it would appeal. All the fun of dating, spending time together, theoretically decent sex, but none of the long term obligations, none of the pressure, and the ability to have a full life independent of the other person doesn't sound like a bad deal for those people who this set up works for.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:51

That's pretty savage, but i think you're bang on the money there.
Oh no, I re-wrote it a few times trying not to sound savage. 😳

It's a hard sentiment to write down.

Chickenkeev · 12/08/2023 17:00

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:51

That's pretty savage, but i think you're bang on the money there.
Oh no, I re-wrote it a few times trying not to sound savage. 😳

It's a hard sentiment to write down.

I didn't mean it in a bad way! I meant 'telling it like it is' but was looking for a one word summation. My bad 😣

cosmosy · 12/08/2023 17:05

OP, you really sound like a drama lover kicking up a big jealous spiteful fuss, with double standards no less. She sounds sensible and respectful.

cosmosy · 12/08/2023 17:09

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:37

Would OP prefer it if he slept with women who couldn’t care less if he was in reality cheating on his wife?
Probably.
I might be way off base but I can't help wonder if the women her DH is allowed to sleep with are meant to be just tools for sex now and then, something reasonably disposable that give her some credit in the bank to maintain having her relationship with her girlfriend.

These women aren't valued as people and certainly aren't meant to have a personality or much about them. They're meant to be the sort of woman who won't check if the open marriage line is true.

Part of the rules in the OP's head seem to be that he's only allowed to have open involvement with a certain type of woman, and he's not meant to find a 'good one'. Him finding a woman who has a bit about her, wants to confirm he's not spinning her a line, and that he likes enough to want to spend time with beyond sex isn't part of the expectations.

(I don't agree with viewing women as good/bad based on their sex lives but it's the best way I can express the idea that I think might be going on).

Good insight. Phrasing is telling - “I have been cheated on” - any genuine emotional investment on the husband’s part in his girlfriend is cheating. He can only have whores whereas OP herself gets a girlfriend and a relationship.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 17:18

AnneAnon · 12/08/2023 16:41

To be honest I’m not so full of admiration for the “other woman”. What decent person would want to tie themselves up in this mess??

It would have suited me between marriages when I didn’t want commitment. Dinner and sex a few times a month with someone in a genuinely open marriage would have been ideal.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 17:30

I didn't mean it in a bad way! I meant 'telling it like it is' but was looking for a one word summation. My bad
That's ok then. I worried it came across awful.

WilkinsonM · 12/08/2023 17:31

YANBU
in an open relationship one person's no is a no for both, end of story. He's cheated on you, basically.

bookwormcrazy · 12/08/2023 17:31

I think it's good she confirmed that he was in an open relationship. Too many times it's used as an "excuse" to cheat. At least she has morals and wanted to check and then she has the full picture about what she is getting in to.

An open relationship impacts more than just the 2 of you. You cant completely disregard the other people that get involved in your situation.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 17:32

WilkinsonM · 12/08/2023 17:31

YANBU
in an open relationship one person's no is a no for both, end of story. He's cheated on you, basically.

Sounds like an arseholes’ charter to me.

Ponderingwindow · 12/08/2023 18:31

This woman did the right thing by confirming the parameters of your relationship before proceeding. It’s hard to blame your husband for ignoring your edict when your response was completely unreasonable.

if you want your marriage to work, the two of you probably need to take a step back, close the relationship for now, and focus on your marriage. If you don’t, it isn’t going to survive. You may be able to open it back up again in the future, but you need to be on a much stronger place.

GoogleMeNot · 12/08/2023 18:46

PrimalOwl10 · 12/08/2023 08:44

There's an innocent child in this shit show. Your marriage is dead your vows broken just seperate and have your own relationships it'd clearly not working is it?

Absolutely agree with this, so unfair on the child. What's the point of an open relationship?

OneTwoThreeShake · 12/08/2023 20:07

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 17:32

Sounds like an arseholes’ charter to me.

Show quote history

It isn't though. Communication and mutual respect are fundamentally important in these set ups. If either partner is uncomfortable with any element of their open arrangement at any point, the whole thing should stop. And that means she should stop seeing her girlfriend too.

Our rules have always been no repeats, nobody connected to either of us, must use protection and must be a supplement to our relationship, not an alternative to it. And over the course of time we've had period of being open, and periods of not being open. We both have a cuck kink which is appeased by it, but it doesn't take priority in either our relationship or sex lives, it's merely an itch we jointly choose to scratch occasionally. And successfully for 25 years.

But absolutely, if either partner is uncomfortable at any point the relationship should not be open.

ThreeRingCircus · 12/08/2023 20:11

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:37

Would OP prefer it if he slept with women who couldn’t care less if he was in reality cheating on his wife?
Probably.
I might be way off base but I can't help wonder if the women her DH is allowed to sleep with are meant to be just tools for sex now and then, something reasonably disposable that give her some credit in the bank to maintain having her relationship with her girlfriend.

These women aren't valued as people and certainly aren't meant to have a personality or much about them. They're meant to be the sort of woman who won't check if the open marriage line is true.

Part of the rules in the OP's head seem to be that he's only allowed to have open involvement with a certain type of woman, and he's not meant to find a 'good one'. Him finding a woman who has a bit about her, wants to confirm he's not spinning her a line, and that he likes enough to want to spend time with beyond sex isn't part of the expectations.

(I don't agree with viewing women as good/bad based on their sex lives but it's the best way I can express the idea that I think might be going on).

Absolutely spot on. The phrasing of the OP's post screams jealousy/insecurity.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 20:12

Thank you for explaining that @OneTwoThreeShake. However, in this case it appears that one half of the couple can do exactly as they please but is then pissed off when their husband won’t do as they’re told. It feels profoundly unfair.

GoodChat · 12/08/2023 21:16

If we decided to have multiple sexual partners, I'd much rather DP had one long term one. Reduces the risks of all kind of nasties.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/08/2023 12:20

I found OneTwoThreeShake's post interesting too. That said, you can't account for feelings. Whatever two people agree doesn't mean that they will continue to agree to it and perhaps it is the case that sooner or later, the agreement is revised or comes to an end as does the relationship.

I think the OP believes she has control and is finding out that this is not the case.

PhantomUnicorn · 13/08/2023 13:08

Poly relationships needs rules/boundaries that everyone within the polycule needs to abide by.
Being dishonest/deceitful within an open/poly set up is as bad as doing it in a closed monogamous relationship.

Just because it isn't a traditional set up, doesn't mean it's any less valid.

Catusrusty · 13/08/2023 13:17

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:51

That's pretty savage, but i think you're bang on the money there.
Oh no, I re-wrote it a few times trying not to sound savage. 😳

It's a hard sentiment to write down.

Yeah but I think you make a very good point lolasmiles as did @MrsTerryPratchett

This woman is no longer just a disposable toy that the OP doesn't have to think about as a real human, she's a woman with enough about her to want to know she's not cheating with a married man whose wife is in the dark. Brave enough to approach a woman she does not know, when let's face it she might have been delivering devastating news if the OPs husband was lying. Whatever people think of her sexual choices, the new woman has integrity.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/08/2023 14:59

OneTwoThreeShake · 12/08/2023 20:07

It isn't though. Communication and mutual respect are fundamentally important in these set ups. If either partner is uncomfortable with any element of their open arrangement at any point, the whole thing should stop. And that means she should stop seeing her girlfriend too.

Our rules have always been no repeats, nobody connected to either of us, must use protection and must be a supplement to our relationship, not an alternative to it. And over the course of time we've had period of being open, and periods of not being open. We both have a cuck kink which is appeased by it, but it doesn't take priority in either our relationship or sex lives, it's merely an itch we jointly choose to scratch occasionally. And successfully for 25 years.

But absolutely, if either partner is uncomfortable at any point the relationship should not be open.

Show quote history

Completely agree with this.

Open relationships work if the people in them are both open and honest about what they want and each respect the boundaries put in place.

Our rules have always been no repeats, nobody connected to either of us, must use protection and must be a supplement to our relationship, not an alternative to it.

We share three of those four rules. We do have repeats, but the rest we’re exactly the same on.

We also have a strict no “taking one for the team” policy on people we meet together and if either of us is uncomfortable with someone then they are a no-go for both of us (that’s very often because of different levels of privacy/discretion that other couples have - some are very open and don’t care who knows they swing whereas I don’t believe family, friends, neighbours etc need to know about this part of our sec life anymore than they don’t need to know about any other bits).

It’s not just a free pass to do what you want, when you want, with you want unless that’s actually what you and your other half have agreed - contrary to what a lot of people assume.