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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not following rules

299 replies

katfrat · 12/08/2023 06:49

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 12/08/2023 07:33

"I have a long-term girlfriend and a husband, but I don't want to know the reality that my husband is fucking someone else too!"

If you want to open your marriage, you need to be adult about it.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 12/08/2023 07:33

Really? Come on. Have you read your own post?!

multisurface · 12/08/2023 07:33

I would have reached out to you too if I was her because 'I'm in an open marriage' is such a trope

Frazzledmum123 · 12/08/2023 07:34

See I'm not sure I agree, I think YANBU myself. The idea of an open marriage seems like an awful one for me and I don't think she did anything wrong but I think he did. You give him a free pass to sleep around but with 1 rule, you do not want to know with who. He broke that 1 rule but giving her your details (or his so she could look you up) which isn't on. If this is going to continue you either need to not be 'friends' on social media or you need to agree not give others your surname.
I do agree with others though that this is likely to end badly. It's one thing to have occasional random sex with someone else but another for you to have an actual gf and him to be willing to break rules for a particular woman - sounds like he is interested I'm more than sex but then you can't complain if you are in another relationship too

WunWun · 12/08/2023 07:34

YABU. You want to have your cake and eat it. You should have asked her not to contact you again and told him to tell her the same.

I don't know how you've got drama, she was trying to be above board and potentially do you a favour. It sounds like actually being in contact with her has made you jealous, which really is your issue not his.

While he shouldn't have lied to you I can't see any vague reason why he should have to not see this woman.

If he gave a spurious reason why you shouldn't see your girlfriend anymore would you immediately stop seeing her?

WandaWonder · 12/08/2023 07:35

So an open marriage is fine as long as you get what you want only? OK if you need to be told YABU if you couldn't work this out for yourself

GoodChat · 12/08/2023 07:37

She did the right thing in checking.

If you don't feel comfortable knowing who he's sleeping with, perhaps an open marriage isnt for you.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/08/2023 07:38

You’re both being unreasonable.

He is unreasonable for saying he wouldn’t see her and then doing so. He should have spoken to you about the need to adapt that rule.

However, you are being unreasonable in expecting that no woman should ever check with you that he’s not spinning a line. That’s basically going to seriously limit any chance he has of his side being open. In my experience (20+ years of swinging) women with that rule are often hoping that it means they can play but their husband can’t.

You don’t have rules that work for you both so it’s not working.

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2023 07:40

Most people who say they are in an open marriage are lying. It shows she actually some integrity that she checked that was true first.

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2023 07:43

'I'm in a open marriage but DONT contact my wife, she doesnt like it.'
Sure. Sounds legit.

GreenwichOrTwicks · 12/08/2023 07:43

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2023 07:43

'I'm in a open marriage but DONT contact my wife, she doesnt like it.'
Sure. Sounds legit.

This!

Dacadactyl · 12/08/2023 07:44

Lol, it's not the other woman who has no boundaries OP.

Tohaveandtohold · 12/08/2023 07:46

I feel your anger towards the woman is misplaced . She wanted to be sure he’s not cheating on you and just using that line. Obviously if your husband had told her that you don’t want to know, I wouldn’t expect her to believe him because it would sound like a
way of him covering up again.
I also feel with you having a long term partner, you can’t veto who he can and can’t see. I just feel that maybe after seeing this woman, maybe she is very pretty and that has made you jealous or something because asking him to stop seeing her is just ridiculous.
I however feel that he should have stood up to you and called you out rather than lie

VerticalSausages · 12/08/2023 07:47

OP will think we are all wrong as we don’t understand open marriages and their ‘rules’

isthismylifenow · 12/08/2023 07:49

👀

This is what happens when men lie all the time about being in an open marriage.

Good for her for checking.

So you're ok about shagging other people, you're ok with your husband shagging other people, as long as you never know who they are. Does he know who your girlfriend is?

Hawkins009 · 12/08/2023 07:50

I can understand your perspectives op.

MsDogLady · 12/08/2023 07:51

We have really open and honest communication which helps.

No, you don’t. Your H agreed to discontinue seeing this woman, but then he broke that agreement. He cheated. He has proven that he can’t be trusted to adhere to the parameters of your arrangement.

Regarding her contacting you, I agree with others that she reached out in the spirit of full transparency, not realizing that you preferred no contact. You say that you and H had previously discussed having no communication with each other’s sex partners. Did he disregard this by giving her your name and information?

He feels entitled to venture outside the lines when it suits him.

PurpleSteak · 12/08/2023 07:53

I think drama is the last thing she wants, she's checking precisely becuase she doesn't want any drama.

I think what's worrying you is that she seems more decent that the women you expected him to hook up with.

Also you have a "relationship" rather than random ONS so what exactly are the rules?

JanieEyre · 12/08/2023 07:53

I would have thought that contacting you demonstrates that this woman has very healthy boundaries. She's not taking a man's word for it that he's in an open marriage without checking.

MrsMorrisey · 12/08/2023 07:53

You have a really strange set up and are then surprised that it goes wrong??!! 🤦‍♀️

Rewis · 12/08/2023 07:55

Your husband shouldn't have lied and said he wouldn't see her. But her contacting you is the opposite of starting drama. A man working away from the wife claiming an open marriage would be a lie for about 90% of the time.

Verystressedsenmum · 12/08/2023 07:56

You’ve an absolute cheek to tell him not to see this woman purely because she contacted you to check that he was in an open marriage. I’m surprised more haven’t . Honestly op you have him and a gf that he knows about but you don’t want to know about the woman he’s shagging but he knows about who you’re shagging ?
who’s idea was this open marriage? I suspect yours , I’m trying to not judge op each to their own but why can’t you see ? . It’s an open marriage but you can’t have it on your terms .
either you both stay faithful or you both have other partners. I suspect you want to have other partners but your not happy about him doing it but you are pretending the issue is this other women and it really isn’t .

Ellie1015 · 12/08/2023 07:56

Yabvu. She could easily have looked you up without hia knowledge and sounds like he has been honest with her and she wanted to check. Both seem reasonable.

Maybe this is his best opportunity outside of marriage. Tbh i think a girlfriend of 18 months is far more serious than "meeting sexual needs" I think you have overstepped there.

C1N1C · 12/08/2023 07:56

This is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't situations.

It seems like 50% of women on MN would contact the spouse if they thought the man they were interested in had lied about being in an open relationship, but in this case, the spouse doesn't want to know, even though they've approved it!

Still, open relationships are dangerous ground.

Ladybug14 · 12/08/2023 07:57

JanieEyre · 12/08/2023 07:53

I would have thought that contacting you demonstrates that this woman has very healthy boundaries. She's not taking a man's word for it that he's in an open marriage without checking.

Exactly this

The fact that you're uncomfortable with her reaching out, is super weird. The fact that you then try to control who your husband dates/sleeps with, says a great deal about you - none of it good