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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not following rules

299 replies

katfrat · 12/08/2023 06:49

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 12/08/2023 08:01

Do you get the right of veto over each other’s partners? That seems a bit controlling but is that the setup?

I get why you’re upset if he’s lying, that’s not the terms you agreed to, but I think you were hasty to decide this woman was no good because she appropriately checked she wasn’t getting involved with someone in a monogamous relationship. I can see you’re ok with your other relationship but are you really ok with your husbands? It seems like a pretty odd reaction.

InSpainTheRain · 12/08/2023 08:01

YABU - she was checking as it is a sensible thing to do. I'm sure a lot of people spin the "open marriage" yarn.

BatheInTheLight · 12/08/2023 08:02

I'm guessing the OW is younger and prettier and OP is feeling insecure. The fact her husband keeps going back for more means she's probably great in bed and has a personality too.

Open Marriage = doomed to fail. Nothing is sacred between the two of you.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 12/08/2023 08:04

Of course she reached out! Why wouldn’t she?

Not sure what’s really going on here, OP?

WannaBeRecluse · 12/08/2023 08:04

I understand why she wanted to verify. I wouldn't be interested in being with a man in an open marriage but, if I was okay with it, I'd want to be sure I wasn't being led on.

I also understand it must be hard to be confronted by the image of the woman who is of interest to your DH. It's more real when you know what she looks like. Especially if you perceive her to be very pretty or attractive.

BatheInTheLight · 12/08/2023 08:05

Oysterbabe · 12/08/2023 07:43

'I'm in a open marriage but DONT contact my wife, she doesnt like it.'
Sure. Sounds legit.

😂😂😂

BadNomad · 12/08/2023 08:06

I'd trust her more than I would a woman who automatically believes "My wife is fine with this". Not every woman wants to help a man wreck his marriage.

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 08:07

Sounds like you didn't want him to meet someone with integrity and just wanted him to have random sex and you see them as simply tools for sex rather than women equal to you.

loislovesstewie · 12/08/2023 08:12

How does he feel about your 'relationship'? I find it odd that you describe it as that because that indicates some permanence, but you are mad that the woman he is having sex with contacts you . Surely he knows who you are having this relationship with?

SorrentoLemon · 12/08/2023 08:14

I sense OP won't be returning to this thread...

LovelyJubbly12345 · 12/08/2023 08:16

I hope you're not financially dependant on him?

This will all end in tears.

If not now, certainly eventually. One of you will fall for someone else. Or when you're 55 and feeling old, he will be shagging a 30 year old.

Make sure you are self sufficient for when this marriage eventually implodes, would be my advice.

You are worried about the short term issue here. Look way in to the future and prepare for when this goes tits up.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 08:19

YABU. It’s not his fault she decided to reach out.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 12/08/2023 08:20

MiddleParking · 12/08/2023 07:16

SHE seems like drama???

This.

She made one phone call (that I would have been grateful for)

You have typed out a massive MN post.

Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 08:21

What did the woman do wrong? She did what ANY responsible woman would do, and checked that it is an open marriage. She clearly didn't want to be cheating with a man on an unsuspecting wife. She wanted to make sure your husband was being honest with her. I'd thank her for that, she was doing the right thing. What is your problem? You either want an open marriage, therefore it's his choice who he sees, and not up to you to dictate, or you don't. It is not up to you to make 'rules' unilaterally and then decide to force your husband to abide by your made up 'rule'. He is doing nothing wrong, you're being controlling and irrational. This is why 99% of open marriages don't work. It's just a mess. Why did you even get married if you were going to sleep with other people? You're disrespecting the institution of marriage.

Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 08:21

And agree with others, you seem like a massive drama queen who thrives on drama and being controlling.

Whatajokr · 12/08/2023 08:23

He probably lied as he couldn't be arsed to start the dating process all over again.

Put a coded message on your FB profile OP that tells women with integrity the status of your relationship. A hidden message within a paragraph maybe...if you read every third word, it'll give the message you have an open marriage.

Newnamehiwhodis · 12/08/2023 08:23

She’s protecting herself by checking. She’s being respectful to you, as well.

people furniture, to be used and just meekly follow your rules. She’s not “drama,” ffs, she’s a human being who has her own thoughts and feelings and needs.

RyvitaVonCheese · 12/08/2023 08:23

It seems OP has found an open relationship loop hole. No decent woman would embark on a relationship with a man who claimed to be in an open marriage without checking the validity of his story. However, the moment she gets confirmation, he’s barred from seeing her. OP gets to have her relationship while the husband is forced to remain single.

catsnhats11 · 12/08/2023 08:24

Sound like you want an open marriage for yourself, but not for him. Maybe this incident has made you question how you really feel about the arrangement..?

Newnamehiwhodis · 12/08/2023 08:24

People *aren’t furniture.

Zanatdy · 12/08/2023 08:24

I don’t get how you’ve assumed this woman likes drama because she reached out to check that. I mean who wouldn’t struggle to believe it, pretty sure most men having affairs say that. I don’t think you get to chose who he has sex with, and you’re just going to encourage him to be secret if you start attaching rules on him now

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 08:25

'I'm in a open marriage but DONT contact my wife, she doesnt like it.'
Sure. Sounds legit
Exactly this. This woman has wanted confirmation that the married man she's interested in isn't feeding her lines. Credit to her for that.

I can't help but feel that this open marriage has rules arranged in OP's favour given that she gets to veto someone for having the decency to check that everything is above board. It somewhat creates a situation where the OP gets to have her marriage and girlfriend, but the husband is only able to have casual shags now and then (because no woman is allowed to confirm the arrangements, and most women are not going to have a longer term arrangement with a married man).

AngelinaFibres · 12/08/2023 08:26

It's just sad and grubby as open marriages always are.

Hufflepods · 12/08/2023 08:27

@LovelyJubbly12345 *This will all end in tears.

If not now, certainly eventually. One of you will fall for someone else.*

You mean the OP who has a long term girlfriend?

BrawnWild · 12/08/2023 08:28

You can have a girlfriend but he cant.

He lied which breaks the open marriage- he isnt sorry so it's a bit like cheating as he has broken the trust. Which means he obviously wants something more than you are happy with so you need to decide if you're ok with that and forgive him and let him carry on or whether to end the marriage or open aspect of it - for both of you.

She did nothing wrong. Shes a real person, not a sex toy, and it's clear that an open marriage isnt hit you and your husband playing with other people like toys. They will behave however they want as they are real people with real wants and needs.

He is clearly emotionally invested in her.
People like to pretend that men dont enjoy anything but the sex but it's simply not true, theres a reason men say they like the chase. They like to pursue women. He is enjoying that too, which you arent comfortable with.

You could message her and your husband in a group message and say it's just sex as per your marital agreement and that would force the issue. But I dont think it will push it on the direction youd like.

I do understand that your issue is the trust aspect, but I dont think it was ever pure sex for him. Maybe he didnt realise that himself. But he is unlikely to be having history one night stands with women from bars and he will enjoy the pursuit and dating too. I think you have been naive to think there would be no dating on his part so now you both need a full rethink about both of you.