Husband not following rules

[katfrat]

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

I don't understand ...

She's being respectful of you by contacting you to ensure she's not doing anything wrong behind your back.

You're annoyed about this but not annoyed about the fact that your husband and her are having sex.

Leave her alone and be grateful to her for checking that what your husband said was true!

I think op is a hypocrite.

She has an 18 month relationship on the side but her DH isn't allowed to see the same person for 3 nights because she dared to FB message the op.

Is the DH only allowed one night stands?

How would the op feel if her husband forbade the relationship with her girlfriend?

Just so weird

Haven't read through the thread, so apologies if I'm doubling up on what has already been said.

I'm very pro open marriage (though not in one myself) but I can certainly see the appeal, especially as a fellow bi woman. I think it can work wonderfully for some couples, but being on the same page at ALL times is paramount in it's success, which is hard to achieve under normal circumstances, let alone whilst one of you is working miles away!

This woman reaching out to check with you is actually a good sign and shows she has integrity and respect for you. I do wonder if seeing what she looks like has triggered a bit of jealousy that you didn't previously have with his other partners due to not seeing them. Is she particularly attractive OP? Is there something about her appearance that threatens you?

Also, I'm really interested to know if DH has seen/met your girlfriend, as the answer to this would majorly swing my opinion about whether or not your are being unreasonable.

I'd guess he's not at all happy with the "open" relationship that effectively means you've checked out of the marriage into another relationship while restrictions are placed on him and is in the process of moving on. Who could blame him?

Lol. She’s ‘drama’.

started laughing too much to read on

Surely an 18 month relationship isn't an open marriage to meet your sexual needs, it's an affair.

What? I can't believe what I'm reading. An open marriage that's gone wrong.

Just get divorced already and go be with your gf. Sigh.

I agree that you are overreacting about her messaging you. It seems a good thing to me that she was checking rather than get herself involved in a cheating situation.

I think you overstepped telling him to stop seeing her just for a message, considering you have been seeing someone for 18 months. He should not have agreed with this. However I can understand why you are annoyed at him for lying to you. That's not ok- he should have told you no rather than just agreeing.

I think what's more concerning is that you have what you describe as a relationship, but you make a point of saying he says it's just casual sex. How would you feel if it was an 18 month relationship, same as you?

It doesn't sound like this set up is working. What are you both getting out of this marriage?

I always find it so funny when people come onto MN, of all places, with their off-piste scenario, looking for advice.

People can post wherever they want, of course, but MN?! A parenting forum? I mean, did you take a wrong turn on t’internet and get lost, @katfrat ? I know, I’ll go on MN! It just seems really unworldly sweet.

Surely there are discussion forums for people in open relationships, where you can get advice and input from like-minded souls, with actual experience of running the gauntlet of open relationships. Or, as the pp referred to it, ‘kink’.

I’m sure the OP is sitting there reading these replies, thinking we’re all a load of mundanes, who haven’t got a clue about anything.

Well, I mean, if you think that, why post here for advice in the first place….?

No, she is not more than right to ask him not to see her after she made contact. OP has NO RIGHT to do that. No right at all. Especially she is having a long term full blown affair. Not just sex with random people.

OP is having a full blown long term affair. And she wants her husband not to continue seeing a woman. She is the biggest hypocrite there is here. She has absolutely no right to dictate who her husband sees, since she herself broke the rules by having a long term affair and not just casual sex with randoms.

Lol

Soooo you both wanted to use this woman and her not to question what she was getting herself into?

sounds about right

How would you know that?

Has Op come back?

We have no idea how much contact the Op has with her ‘girlfriend’ or how involved the girlfriend is

I would say an 18 month relationship will likely involve the girlfriend in far more of Ops normal, everyday life, that the husbands casual partners abroad.

It’s foul to say ‘in our open marriage only women who don’t feel able to ascertain the truth are acceptable for my husband to sleep with. Anyone with boundaries is unacceptable’

Seems like quite the way to ensure he doesn’t end up seeing someone he could envisage as a long term secondary partner.

This reminds me of someone I know. She wanted to open their marriage. She got a girlfriend (who was also married). Then her DH got a girlfriend but my friend didn't like the girlfriend and caused a lot of fuss over said gf.
Then friend decided she didn't want to be married but her gf would stay married. Then the gf left her husband.
So the two men ended up with broken marriages and the women are now living together.
Open marriages don't work. Just admit you want to leave your partner and split up.

I don't see it as stalking or weird behaviour- he pulled out one of many lines men use. We don't have sex anymore, we live in the same house but separated, we are in an open marriage, etc and she has checked with you that's the case- for your sake and hers. Does he also get to veto your sexual partners? If you have 'rules' that either of you don't want the other sleeping with someone, you can stop it? Would you give up your girls for end if he told you to?

She does sound like a decent woman I'm not sure what part of my post makes you think I have said otherwise?

Shes asking OP if it's ok to sleep with her husband. Good manners. But not something a one night stand would do. She wants a relationship of some kind, even if that's mostly sex, she is likely expecting to spend time with him pre and post sex, joking and chatting. Not opening the door, having sex and sending him straight home. And that's the part OP sounds jealous about.

You agrees to a open marriage I don't think you should be deciding who he sees. And especially ruling one woman out just because she did the decent thing and reached out to you to check it's true.

As others have said it's a line used so many times so I don't blame her for checking.

If it makes you feel Uncomfortable with who he's seeing maybe the question is whether you are really happy with the open marriage.

ee cummings