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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not following rules

299 replies

katfrat · 12/08/2023 06:49

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

OP posts:
Groutyonehereagain · 12/08/2023 08:47

You have what you wanted, an open marriage! What’s the problem? Personally, call me old fashioned but I think this type of set up is doomed from the start.

cloudydays97 · 12/08/2023 08:47

Just both be honest with yourselves, the relationship is over, youre both actually in relationships with other people, just separate it would be healthier for all involved.

Matronic6 · 12/08/2023 08:47

Far from being dramatic, I think she sounds like a decent person. It was only one contact to confirm the situation and she did that out of respect for you. She's not asking to meet for coffee or anything, it's not an ongoing contact.

I can understand that you are upset he lied to you but your request was unreasonable and you had no right to make it.

NumberTheory · 12/08/2023 08:47

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, OP.

While I agree with many on here that the woman was doing “due diligence” and your lack of comfort with that sort of contact makes it difficult for everyone to be honest and trusting, after the fact your specifically talked about with your DP and the two of you agreed that he wouldn’t see her again. If he didn’t intend sticking to that he shouldn’t have agreed.

Now you have to wonder if he is ignoring every boundary you have set between you to make this open relationship work and is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. When he gets back you need to sit down and talk about this again.

MrsJBaptiste · 12/08/2023 08:47

You have an open marriage, your husband works away and you both have other partners. God knows why you continue with the marriage. Maybe this will now change as it appears your husband has met another woman that he may just fall in love with.

butterpuffed · 12/08/2023 08:48

Your title should have been 'Husband not following MY rules'

Noicant · 12/08/2023 08:49

She behaved very well frankly, she checked to make sure she didn’t compromise her own morals and to make sure she wasn’t doing something that would hurt someone else.

Honestly don’t understand why this would bother you, you are in an open marriage. If I were in an open marriage I would think this a ridiculous, she sounds like a good, decent person, but then again maybe thats your problem with her.

Mummy08m · 12/08/2023 08:50

I'm old fashioned too and I actually think clandestine affairs, that your spouse hopefully doesn't find out about, are less harmful and head-fuckery than an open marriage.

It creates such cognitive dissonance to convince yourself you aren't jealous, what's the point.

I mean ideally you'd have neither, for a peaceful life.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 08:50

She has strong boundaries that she’s not going to fuck a man who’s lying about being in an open relationship.

In an open scenario you will have to negotiate other people’s boundaries that don’t align with yoursL

The drama is coming from you and frankly it seems like a spurious reason to veto a relationship - so I wonder what’s really going on. If he had vetoed your current gf on similar ground what would you have done?

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 08:50

Wow so you can have the same long term girlfriend. But he can only sleep with women who also put your needs and wants first?

A woman wants to make sure the marriage open and that over steps your boundaries and she is weird?

You expect him only to sleep with women who don’t care he is married (open or not) or don’t think to question it, risking getting hurt themselves if he is lying? You don’t like other women also having their own boundaries ?

Sounds like you have a long term relationship but you absolutely won’t tolerate that of your husband? Why? Are you concerned he might leave you?

Does he get final say over who you sleep with? If he decides you can’t any long see you girlfriend you would split up with her.

PackettInn · 12/08/2023 08:51

YABU

Doggymummar · 12/08/2023 08:51

When I was OLD I met a man who said he was in an open marriage due to his wife's disability. I asked to confirm with her and you couldn't see him for dust. I think it's a more common excuse than you think OP. I wouldn't embark on an encounter without meeting or speaking to the other partner and checking out

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 12/08/2023 08:52

She reached out to confirm it was an open marriage and not a cheating situation? She's respecting you and protecting herself in that situation! You're the drama here OP, not her!

drpet49 · 12/08/2023 08:52

MrsJBaptiste · 12/08/2023 08:47

You have an open marriage, your husband works away and you both have other partners. God knows why you continue with the marriage. Maybe this will now change as it appears your husband has met another woman that he may just fall in love with.

Yes this. What a farce of a marriage.

Epidote · 12/08/2023 08:52

I don't see any problems in her reaching you to confirm you are in an open relationship. I think she got great boundaries and wouldn't shag the first lad who tell her my wife doesn't love me / open marriage etc.
YABU because you want to put the rules of the open marriage that fits you and that only fits you that is shellfish on your side. Let your husband enjoy it and enjoy yourself too.

Moveoverdarlin · 12/08/2023 08:53

C’mon it’s a very unconventional set-up, this is bound to cause issues. I would have thought an ‘open marriage’ meant free reign to have one nights stands and a few flings, but you’re in a full-on 18 month relationship with a girlfriend. He’s ok with that yeah? But he can’t see a woman three nights in a row on the other side of the world because she messaged you? Sounds like it’s very much you calling the shots here.

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 08:53

For the procreation of children
For the avoidance of sin

I know several married couples that don't plan on having children.

I certainly didn't get married to avoid sin!

That relates to YOUR marriage @RosesAndHellebores not anyone else's

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 08:54

If she contacted you on FB I wonder if being able to see her profile and pics etc caused feelings of comparison, jealousy, insecurity etc.

If that’s the case maybe you’re not as comfortable with the reality of an open relationship as you thought.

Tourmalines · 12/08/2023 08:54

I think your marriage is doomed . Why bother. It’s all too weird . You are also the drama Queen. Not the other woman .

Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 08:55

NumberTheory · 12/08/2023 08:47

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, OP.

While I agree with many on here that the woman was doing “due diligence” and your lack of comfort with that sort of contact makes it difficult for everyone to be honest and trusting, after the fact your specifically talked about with your DP and the two of you agreed that he wouldn’t see her again. If he didn’t intend sticking to that he shouldn’t have agreed.

Now you have to wonder if he is ignoring every boundary you have set between you to make this open relationship work and is just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. When he gets back you need to sit down and talk about this again.

In fairness to the husband, OP sounds very controlling, domineering and manipulative. He probably agreed just to shut her up. Her request that he stop seeing her was unreasonable so I don't think him 'lying' to her was unreasonable in the circumstances.

pilates · 12/08/2023 08:58

YABVU

seafronty · 12/08/2023 08:59

Hahahahahaha.
Hahahahahaha.
And again.
Hahahahahaha.

Nap1983 · 12/08/2023 09:01

why would you not just separate and be done with this sham of a marriage?

Toddlerteaplease · 12/08/2023 09:01

PurpleFlower1983 · 12/08/2023 06:56

I think YABU, you have a girlfriend, he has a fuck buddy outside of the marriage. The fact that she contacted you actually shows some concern woman to woman.

This.

widowtwankywashroom · 12/08/2023 09:01

I haven't even had a cup of tea yet.
The only person coming out well in this is the other woman who does have standards and wanted to check with you first.

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