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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband not following rules

299 replies

katfrat · 12/08/2023 06:49

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

OP posts:
Premfove · 13/08/2023 15:33

"Open Marriage" such a fucking oxymoron.

YABU OP as this is a nonsensical set up. Your child deserves better.

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 16:06

Premfove · 13/08/2023 15:33

"Open Marriage" such a fucking oxymoron.

YABU OP as this is a nonsensical set up. Your child deserves better.

That poor child is going to be so confused. How is supposed to understand what a normal, loving relationship is when she grows up?

Mum is married to dad but is also in love with her partner and dad is in love with mum but also likes making love to different partners but is not in love with any of them because if he falls in love with anyone apart from the woman who loves him (mum), mum might unlove him. It's OK to sleep around as long as you don't love them.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/08/2023 16:28

Why is there always the assumption on here that if someone is in anything other than a monogamous marriage then their children are privy to details about their sex lives?

Plenty of “normal” married people have affairs that their children never know about so why do so many assume it’s impossible that children are not aware of their parents sex lives otherwise?

It’s so bizarre

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 16:35

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 16:06

That poor child is going to be so confused. How is supposed to understand what a normal, loving relationship is when she grows up?

Mum is married to dad but is also in love with her partner and dad is in love with mum but also likes making love to different partners but is not in love with any of them because if he falls in love with anyone apart from the woman who loves him (mum), mum might unlove him. It's OK to sleep around as long as you don't love them.

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Why would the kids know any of that?
mine doesn't have a clue and why would he?

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 17:57

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 16:35

Why would the kids know any of that?
mine doesn't have a clue and why would he?

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Maybe for dad as he's away on service but how the hell do you hide an 18 month relationship?

I guess if you have good childcare at night you could, unless you meet for quick shags while they're at school. 🤔

The only time I've left my kids at night is when I've been in hospital otherwise they'd be right on my case.

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 17:59

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/08/2023 16:28

Why is there always the assumption on here that if someone is in anything other than a monogamous marriage then their children are privy to details about their sex lives?

Plenty of “normal” married people have affairs that their children never know about so why do so many assume it’s impossible that children are not aware of their parents sex lives otherwise?

It’s so bizarre

Maybe if they're young. Mine are pre teen and teenagers. No way I'd get away with it without them cottoning on .

Anotherchristianmama · 13/08/2023 18:01

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 17:59

Maybe if they're young. Mine are pre teen and teenagers. No way I'd get away with it without them cottoning on .

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But why does it matter? Non monogamy is not in itself unethical or damaging.

Blossomtoes · 13/08/2023 18:03

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 17:59

Maybe if they're young. Mine are pre teen and teenagers. No way I'd get away with it without them cottoning on .

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You’re not very clever then. Surely they believe you when you tell them where you’re going when you go out? You go to the cinema, out for a drink, to a restaurant, to the gym? You could be having sex with someone else every time you say you’re going to one of those places and they’d never know any different.

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 18:06

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 17:59

Maybe if they're young. Mine are pre teen and teenagers. No way I'd get away with it without them cottoning on .

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Cotton on to what?
we go out to house parties sometimes, to clubs or to visit friends. If DS asks (and he usually isn't interested, being a self involved teen) that's what we say. He has no reason to suspect anything more to it.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/08/2023 18:09

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 17:59

Maybe if they're young. Mine are pre teen and teenagers. No way I'd get away with it without them cottoning on .

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My eldest three are uni age and they are no more aware of our swinging than they are any other part of our sex lives.

Why would they?

We don't announce "hey kids we're off to a swinging club tonight" or "We're away for a weekend with a couple we swap partners with" - we just go to the cinema, or out for food, or away for a weekend.

Children will only know if people are indiscreet or tell them.

TimeForTeaAndG · 13/08/2023 18:16

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 17:59

Maybe if they're young. Mine are pre teen and teenagers. No way I'd get away with it without them cottoning on .

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Obviously if you've chosen to never leave your kids overnight with anyone then it would raise questions when you do. But not all of us have done that, DD has had overnights with family since she stopped being breastfed. When we go out we are away with friends or going to a party or on holiday. There's nothing for her to cotton on to.

Blossomtoes · 13/08/2023 18:19

Surely you don’t have to be out all night to have sex?

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I have reported your comment for misogynist personal attack. Please don't.

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 18:53

Good luck!

I'll be deleting the thread from my watched list anyway.
Enjoy the swinging xxc😛

Anotherchristianmama · 13/08/2023 18:56

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 18:52

I have reported your comment for misogynist personal attack. Please don't.

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Same

Blossomtoes · 13/08/2023 18:59

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 18:52

I have reported your comment for misogynist personal attack. Please don't.

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Good. Thank you. Saves me the trouble.

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 18:59

changernamer8 · 13/08/2023 18:53

Good luck!

I'll be deleting the thread from my watched list anyway.
Enjoy the swinging xxc😛

We do! It's awesome 😜

captainmarvella · 13/08/2023 19:12

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:37

Would OP prefer it if he slept with women who couldn’t care less if he was in reality cheating on his wife?
Probably.
I might be way off base but I can't help wonder if the women her DH is allowed to sleep with are meant to be just tools for sex now and then, something reasonably disposable that give her some credit in the bank to maintain having her relationship with her girlfriend.

These women aren't valued as people and certainly aren't meant to have a personality or much about them. They're meant to be the sort of woman who won't check if the open marriage line is true.

Part of the rules in the OP's head seem to be that he's only allowed to have open involvement with a certain type of woman, and he's not meant to find a 'good one'. Him finding a woman who has a bit about her, wants to confirm he's not spinning her a line, and that he likes enough to want to spend time with beyond sex isn't part of the expectations.

(I don't agree with viewing women as good/bad based on their sex lives but it's the best way I can express the idea that I think might be going on).

Spot on.

If OP's husband has a regular girlfriend (or boyfriend?) I think OP won't like it all.

captainmarvella · 13/08/2023 19:16

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 11:39

I'm going to add 2 things that have been really bugging me about the OP, her husband and is based on the information she provides in her one (and only) post.

  1. They have a child ffs! Aged probably anywhere between 5 and 9. Even accepting that the OP and her GF don't parade their sexual behaviour in front of the child, and the husband only shags away from the house, children pick up on stuff, on relationship dynamics and undertones. They might not understand what they are seeing/hearing but it does affect them. I'll bet a pound to a penny that the OP and her GF cannot be completely discreet all the time, and yes, I'm speculating, but I also wonder how often the GF stays over while the husband is away. Surely the child has to be a priority in all this. As time goes on what kind of example of healthy relationships are these 2 supposed parents setting?
  1. Husband is military. Whether you agree with what the military does, and what wars they are sent to fight is something separate, but first and foremost they're supposed to follow a code of conduct, not just at work, but in every aspect of their lives. He is clearly not living up to those standards at all. It makes a mockery of so many brave men and women who do serve and follow the rules. Many of my family were, and are, military and have paid the price in many ways. and this makes my blood boil.

Both the OP and her husband should be ashamed of themselves.

Rant over, sorry 😞

There, feel better after all that pearl clutching? 🙄

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 19:58

You agreed to an open relationship. You've had a girlfriend over a year and now you're trying to control who he sleeps with. Are you worried he'll develop feelings?
I don't think this open marriage is working for you tbh.

WilkinsonM · 13/08/2023 20:03

fullbloom87 · 13/08/2023 19:58

You agreed to an open relationship. You've had a girlfriend over a year and now you're trying to control who he sleeps with. Are you worried he'll develop feelings?
I don't think this open marriage is working for you tbh.

If the husband doesn't have an issue with the girlfriend it doesn't matter that she has one but doesn't want him seeing this particular woman. The husband can kibosh the girlfriend if he wants. The point is that she said no to this woman and the husband ignored her, and lied. That's it.

Abhannmor · 14/08/2023 09:40

It's quite clever this Don't Ask Don't Tell bit isn't it? Most intelligent women with a conscience won't buy this open marriage line. Are these the women OP fears DH being involved with. The Rule doesn't interfere with her life as she is in a longterm relationship with her GF.

DH has handled this badly too. He should have apologised for breaking the arbitrary Commandment. And refused to stop seeing this woman. It was ridiculous of him to cave in and weak to lie about it. But it comes to the same thing in the end : does OP want this marriage to continue or does she simply want to have her own way in everything regardless of the outcome?

EnjoythemoneyJane · 14/08/2023 14:02

thedancingbear · 12/08/2023 09:20

ee cummings

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Best comment I’ve seen in ages 🤣👏

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