DH is bi and wants to hook up with a man

[DHisbi]

Name changed owing to the risk of being outed. Dh is bi (as am I). We have been swingers in the past - and mostly enjoyed it. Sadly I was not supportive of DH exploring his sexuality with men (on reflection motivated by the misplaced and judgemental idea he would be less of a man if he has sex with a man - I feel ashamed for thinking this now). This morning we had a big conversation about his desires. In a nutshell -

1. He wants me to explore my sexuality with other couples (again) and come home and tell him (he would find this arousing).
2. He wants to have a hook up with a man and asked for my blessing.

Part of me wants to support his sexual exploration the other part of me is scared that I'm opening a Pandora's box that I will never be able to close again. I'm also worried about his safety, that's he's entering a world he knows nothing about (never been with a man).

Wtf do I do? I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, so interested in hopefully a spectrum of ideas.

There's a whole lot of what he wants here, what do you want?

Do you want to open up your marriage right now?

even if you were swingers in the past, it is ok to want a monogamous relationship for a spell or even indefinitely.

First response is it's too sudden and not now. He's transitioning between jobs and is going through a lot of stress. He's admitted that as his resilience is low he just wants to blow off steam. He's always had sexual fantasies about men, so now that his veneer is slim - he wants it. He's also on a break from work so I think has the time to actually think about it more. How do I balance my desire to say no with his needs a person in his own right? (We've been together nearly 25 years if that matters at all and 2 children together).

If we had the money I would have marriage counselling tbh. My first gut instinct is no I don't want an open marriage. Our youngest is still very young and still cosleeps the majority of the time so we don't get much, if any intimate time. My ideal would be to connect together before going outside the majority. But I am not a man, I can't give him this. I've considered a strap on but I couldn't bring myself to do this (tried it with a woman and it just felt weird).

How do I balance my desire to say no with his needs a person in his own right

You split up. Unless you are feeling enthusiastic consent for what HE wishes to do.

Surely a compromise can be met? Although I have no idea what this could look like.

You have different needs and desires, it would be the end of the marriage for me personally.

I'm curious… how exactly do you think this would go? What would you say?

The problem many face with wanting to explore different fantasies is that once you've done it and got the t shirt, you move on to something else else.

It leads to an unfulfilled life in the endless pursuit of the next thing that will bring you pleasure.

Once he's been with a man, there is a possibility he will want to be with two men and then a gang bang etc.

If you want to be sucked into that kind of lifestyle make sure you're fully committed, if not then it's time to part and move on.

Once he's been with a man, there is a possibility he will want to be with two men and then a gang bang etc.

Wow, ok. You can only speak for yourself though.

we had a big conversation about his desires
Did he want to have a big conversation about your desires, or just his?

My first gut instinct is no I don't want an open marriage
This is your answer.

It doesn’t sound like you want to do either of the things he has suggested.

Don’t over complicate it. Say you don’t want to hook up with couples and you don’t want to bless a gay experience.

Couples therapy sounds like a good plan if you ask me. Is there really nothing in the budget?

Think about why you’re questioning your gut and your feelings which are to say « no »

So he's bored now he's got small children to contend with?
Surely he should be focussing on the most important people in his life- his babies and you.

It's a huge let down that he's thinking more of his dick than he is of his family.

If its a man he wants and you're not keen it may be the end. My first concern would be disease. Not because he was with men, but the fact he was going outside at all. I'm pretty sure it won't make you feel great either. It's fine experimenting, swinging etc, but don't forget you're a real live human being, who has feelings.

It does sound like his sudden need to 'explore his sexuality' is really just a want to shag around because he's (understandably) not getting it much at home. I would not be impressed.

If you’ve been together for 25 years and have a young child, does that mean that you were both very young when you got together?

So he wants to cheat and dress it up as 'exploring sexuality' does he think your gullible?

I would say it's most likely that he's gay.

If you go along with his narrative - you're up for threesomes without him, & you agree he can hook up with blokes - then you'll have helpfully built for him a narrative where you're both happy bi swingers.

& in six month's time, when his new boyfriend is suddenly part of your life, you would be oh so unreasonable, in his eyes, to object because oh look, YOU had all those hookups with couples - so why are you spoiling his fun now & being all boring & uptight?!

I'd try saying no, sorry, not interested, & see how he reacts.

So you have a young child and you are still co-sleeping but he wants you to go out and sleep with other people because he would be aroused by that.

Tbh that would piss me off more than the sleeping with another man thing.

Instead of supporting his wife through the challenges of a young baby, possible lack of sleep, changes to your body and all the other stresses that come with a new baby he wants you to do something that will give him sexual pleasure. His priorities are fucked.

Then when he is out of work and should probably be concentrating on his career he's planning on finding men to sleep with. At a point in time when you may be feeling vulnerable or getting used to changes in your body after pregnancy and giving birth and may actually need reassurance from your DH not him seeking sex elsewhere.

Do you really still want to be with someone so mid blowing self centred? And so unconcerned with your feelings and needs.

And for context I am bisexual so this isn't biphobia talking.

I don't see how there could be a compromise. Either he does it or he doesn't. There is no halfway.

Why would you say he's gay?

He's married to a woman, and is bisexual.

You do know bisexuality exists, right?

He’s cold, selfish, manipulative.

Because biphobia is rife on mumsnet. Apparently any man who so much looks at another man must be gay.