Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is bi and wants to hook up with a man

176 replies

DHisbi · 10/08/2023 23:57

Name changed owing to the risk of being outed. Dh is bi (as am I). We have been swingers in the past - and mostly enjoyed it. Sadly I was not supportive of DH exploring his sexuality with men (on reflection motivated by the misplaced and judgemental idea he would be less of a man if he has sex with a man - I feel ashamed for thinking this now). This morning we had a big conversation about his desires. In a nutshell -

  1. He wants me to explore my sexuality with other couples (again) and come home and tell him (he would find this arousing).
  2. He wants to have a hook up with a man and asked for my blessing.

Part of me wants to support his sexual exploration the other part of me is scared that I'm opening a Pandora's box that I will never be able to close again. I'm also worried about his safety, that's he's entering a world he knows nothing about (never been with a man).

Wtf do I do? I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, so interested in hopefully a spectrum of ideas.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 11/08/2023 05:58

Does he not understand what marriage is? It doesn’t matter whether his desires are about other men or other women. He married you. He needs to remind himself of the vows he made abd of his responsibilities as a husband and father. The time for exploring his sexuality was before he promised himself to you. Marriage counselling will be a lot cheaper than a double life and all the risks associated with that.

Earhell · 11/08/2023 06:00

Hi @DHisbi
I have a lot of empathy for you both here.
I'm autistic and have young kids. We've also had periods of an open marriage.
I'm currently wanting an open marriage and DH isn't. It's also friendship i seek, similar to your DH.

Your dh hasn't expressed himself well in this instance but I can also see his perspective. For me, no matter what relationships I forge outside of my marriage, my commitment is to my husband and kids. I feel quite frustrated that dh doesn't fit my thinking right now.

That said, dh has said no. So I respect that. He needs to understand that he has to wait. Which, granted, is hard for an autistic person 😂

GoodChat · 11/08/2023 06:12

I think reconnecting first is a good idea.
I don't think a swinging relationship works in your home life/relationship isn't incredibly strong.

I can't quite work out if you're telling him not now, or not ever.

painochocolate · 11/08/2023 06:18

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 00:17

I'm curious… how exactly do you think this would go? What would you say?

Show quote history

Sorry, we're not on the same page. Let's split up so you can go and do what you want

Tlolljs · 11/08/2023 06:19

Blimey some people don’t half live a life don’t they. As my old mum would say!

jabberwokky · 11/08/2023 06:20

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 00:15

Surely a compromise can be met? Although I have no idea what this could look like.

Show quote history

If he wants to be with other people and you don't want him to then you can't really compromise without one of you being hurt/ unfulfilled.

I would definitely recommend trying counselling. Many places have low income options if cost is a barrier.

Sueveneers · 11/08/2023 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

moose62 · 11/08/2023 06:39

Regardless of how you moved forward, you say you are both Bi but also say that you are the only one who has had sex with both sexes as you don't like the idea of your DH having sex with another man. I find that very hypocritical which is why he probably wants to do so now when his life is in a flux.
You should not go out hooking up to feed his desire of hearing about it, that will only feed his desires and you can hardly tell him he can't when you can.
Decide if you want your marriage or not!

StopStartStop · 11/08/2023 06:48

I don't think you have a leg to stand on, OP. You don't get to dictate if he goes with men or not. If he's giving you that power, that's a different kink entirely.

Beargrumps22 · 11/08/2023 06:49

simple; you don't feel this in your gut it's not something you would be happy with you would end up being suspicious and untrusting
secondly if you do say no I think he will cheat and do what he wants anyway
time to go

momonpurpose · 11/08/2023 06:50

Valeriekat · 11/08/2023 04:38

Really?

Show quote history

The ridiculousness of this post is beyond belief

Charlize43 · 11/08/2023 06:52

You haven't said how old he is (apologies, if I've missed this). Could he be having a midlife crisis? Recently, there seemed to be a lot of older, long married with children male TV Presenters developing a sexual interest in young men... Has he expressed the age of who he'd like to hook up with? I wonder if this has anything to do with recapturing youth - yes that sounds bizarre!

Thisismyartform · 11/08/2023 06:53

It’s no different from if you were a monogamous couple and he asked permission to explore his sexuality with other women. Plenty of married men on OLD are clear they are looking for ‘adventurous’ women to explore various ( porn fueled) fantasies with. Fantasies their wives can’t/ won’t supply.

You are married/partnered. That means you have both committed to each other. You can’t just bog off with other people ‘exploring’ to meet your ‘needs’ if that is distressing for your partners

And being Bi is not a ‘get out of jail free’ card to that commitment.

Beefcurtains79 · 11/08/2023 06:53

The overuse of the word ‘fuck’ when describing having sex with other people is jarring, and suspiciously man-like.
Tawdry AF.

Proudgypsy · 11/08/2023 06:58

Stop referring to this as his "needs".

His desire to have sex outside of his marriage is exactly that, a want not a need.

He needs food.
He needs water.
He needs a healthy marriage.
He doesn't need sex with randoms.

LinKwei · 11/08/2023 07:00

Well whatever you decide it's clear that you really need to have a good discussion him. If he's really set his mind to find out what it's like to be another man and has always wanted to explore that side of his sexuality, but didn't because you were a bit judgemental about it, back when you were enjoying swinging, then it sounds like he has not told you before, until now. However if he has kept quiet because you were judgemental about the idea, then he may well resent you for it. This should have been talked about and got it out of his system when you were both younger, before children were in your lives.
It's a tricky situation, but the only way you can deal with it is for you both to be completely honest with each other and hear each other out, without judging. If you decide to let him try it, then make it clear that there are rules that must not be broken.
Tell him that it can just be once to satisfy curiosity
Or that he'll have to wait until he has helped you get the little one into his/her own bed. Which will make it easier for you both to have your time together.
The other thing I thought, is that if he supports you with the kids first and foremost, then the only way you could agree to it is for both of you to find another couple with both partners are bi, and let him explore that desire with you present. But on no account is he to go off hooking up on his own, but if you don't want to go back to the fun of younger days, then tell him that you will support him deal with his curiosity, but as a couple.
On no account bring any of the people you hook with home.
That is probably the fairest way of dealing with it, ultimately it's your choice and I don't envy you.
Best of Luck to you

morethanspice · 11/08/2023 07:05

CorvusPurpureus · 11/08/2023 00:44

I would say it's most likely that he's gay.

If you go along with his narrative - you're up for threesomes without him, & you agree he can hook up with blokes - then you'll have helpfully built for him a narrative where you're both happy bi swingers.

& in six month's time, when his new boyfriend is suddenly part of your life, you would be oh so unreasonable, in his eyes, to object because oh look, YOU had all those hookups with couples - so why are you spoiling his fun now & being all boring & uptight?!

I'd try saying no, sorry, not interested, & see how he reacts.

Something similar was the death knell of my marriage. He was bored, wanted to explore….then threw my one encounter back in my face while concealing his own multiple ones…and leading a double life with another main partner. 200 % I absolutely would refuse to go along with this and would brace myself for cheating on his part and a separation unfortunately x

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/08/2023 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

allhellcantstopusnow · 11/08/2023 07:25

Busubaba · 11/08/2023 00:17

The problem many face with wanting to explore different fantasies is that once you've done it and got the t shirt, you move on to something else else.

It leads to an unfulfilled life in the endless pursuit of the next thing that will bring you pleasure.

Once he's been with a man, there is a possibility he will want to be with two men and then a gang bang etc.

If you want to be sucked into that kind of lifestyle make sure you're fully committed, if not then it's time to part and move on.

Is this what happened to you, as a (presumably) straight person? You slept with one man and now you're waist deep in constant gang bangs because of your inability to keep a lid on the sexual depravity that is a woman having sex with a man?

🙄

dayslikethese1 · 11/08/2023 07:27

This all sounds very complicated and exhausting when you've got kids and are over the age of 25. Saying that, if you don't mind your DH being with someone else, I don't really get why him being with a man is worse than being with a woman.

rookiemere · 11/08/2023 07:29

Well I'm glad the idea has been paused for now. Sounds like he needs a job to keep him busy rather than fixating on his sexuality.

ZolaBudd · 11/08/2023 07:31

Anyone else wondering if he’s just gay ?

Venturini · 11/08/2023 07:31

Ifeelsuchflutterings · 11/08/2023 00:46

So you have a young child and you are still co-sleeping but he wants you to go out and sleep with other people because he would be aroused by that.

Tbh that would piss me off more than the sleeping with another man thing.

Instead of supporting his wife through the challenges of a young baby, possible lack of sleep, changes to your body and all the other stresses that come with a new baby he wants you to do something that will give him sexual pleasure. His priorities are fucked.

Then when he is out of work and should probably be concentrating on his career he's planning on finding men to sleep with. At a point in time when you may be feeling vulnerable or getting used to changes in your body after pregnancy and giving birth and may actually need reassurance from your DH not him seeking sex elsewhere.

Do you really still want to be with someone so mid blowing self centred? And so unconcerned with your feelings and needs.

And for context I am bisexual so this isn't biphobia talking.

This x 1000000000000

primoseyellow · 11/08/2023 07:31

@allhellcantstopusnow 🤣

Noicant · 11/08/2023 07:33

How does anyone have time for this. We have a small child, I wouldn’t have the energy.

I think if you are happy with the idea of an open marriage generally (not for me but you do you) you need really strong boundaries around making sure both of your needs are met to make it work.