DH is bi and wants to hook up with a man

[DHisbi]

Name changed owing to the risk of being outed. Dh is bi (as am I). We have been swingers in the past - and mostly enjoyed it. Sadly I was not supportive of DH exploring his sexuality with men (on reflection motivated by the misplaced and judgemental idea he would be less of a man if he has sex with a man - I feel ashamed for thinking this now). This morning we had a big conversation about his desires. In a nutshell -

1. He wants me to explore my sexuality with other couples (again) and come home and tell him (he would find this arousing).
2. He wants to have a hook up with a man and asked for my blessing.

Part of me wants to support his sexual exploration the other part of me is scared that I'm opening a Pandora's box that I will never be able to close again. I'm also worried about his safety, that's he's entering a world he knows nothing about (never been with a man).

Wtf do I do? I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, so interested in hopefully a spectrum of ideas.

If he was saying that he'd never had sex with a Japanese woman and needed your consent to seek one out, would your hesitation be the same?
I've seen this with my married bi friends, the husband needing to experiment and the wives are depriving them of this experience and honestly it usually has meant that they had already fooled around with someone.
What's in their pants is kind of not the point, it just boils down to whether you are happy (and I mean happy, not 'ok' or 'unsure') about your partner having sexual contact with another person.
Because that boundary line is a perfectly reasonable one.
Unless he has a rare terminal illness that can only be cured by contact with a penis, that would be a need not a desire.

There are things within a relationship that can be compromised upon - thousands of them. However, I think it is profoundly wrong to think that loving someone means you should compromise on fundamental issues like this one.

There comes a point at which you might need to realise that you want completely different things in order to be content, and that sexually, you're not compatible anymore.

I wouldn't even consider trying to accommodate his list of sexual curiosities in this way. That list is possibly just going to get longer with every 'compromise.'

Personally this wouldnt be salvagable for me but i also wouldnt have an open marriage or sex with other couples OR have children in that context. No judgement i just cant relate to it.
I am married and do have kid(s) though... based on that i would:

Tell him you want counselling and make it happen.
Save and find the money for it. prioritise it and try and fight for your marriage.

I'd be selling shit on vinted and getting a second job. For my children if nothing else.

IIRC there ate counselling charities where you pay but its a discounted / subsided rate. There are also other charities which offer councelling for free i believe- my mil volunteers for one specialising in bereavement

Maybe he's already done it and trying to get you to agree after the fact.

If he has this much time on his hands to think about this shit, he needs more to do. How much is he contributing at home with the children and housework?

It sounds like he needs to stop worrying about his dick so much and grow up. He should get some therapy. I'd insist on it or the marriage is over.

So… I said no. Just now. It didn't end well. He's angry.

I should be clear, he's been cosleeping. I've been having uninterrupted sleep on the couch.

To be clear. He isn't out of work. He has a job but is also interviewing for a higher paid job.

There isn't a compromise. You want a monogamous relationship. He wants to shag other people. And he's deliberately pushing it at a time when you are vulnerable with young DC.
Tell him no and that you won't discuss it again. He's trying to wear you down and erode your boundaries in the hope you'll give him permission to cheat. You need to find your anger and your self-respect. This is nothing to do with him being bi. None of my friends who are bi would pull this shit.

And has given the OP permission to have threesomes but not have two person sex. It’s fine for him to do just that though.

It would be the end for me.

Yes - as I want to connect with him.

So in the last 30 minutes, you've spoken to him about it; he's got angry and you're back on MN?

He is bored and wants to shag around.
If that isn't for you then it is fine to say no thanks.

If it doesn't work for both of you then it doesn't work for you as couple.

So he can choose to stick with the original deal or walk.

I'm sorry OP. You've got a young family and a H who's angry with you for not facilitating his every sexual desire. Strip away his 'curiosities' and you're left with a bloke who wants to shag other people and is angry because you won't agree to it.

I'm really sorry. He sounds awful, frankly.

He's enquired about therapy.

@japonic it certainly isn't his finest moment. I found he was confusing hook ups with connecting. ( I feel he wants friendship). When I asked for his definition of a hook up as he seemed to be talking about wanting to get to know someone, he got angry. First time for me back in the marital bed (after prepping my daughter to go back in her own bed so I could move back in marital bed - as he said he missed me), I ask whether he wanted space, and he said yes. He's also not slept well at all the past few days which is impacting him. DH is autistic and I know gets fixated on plans, so I think after this morning he got fixated in this ‘hook up’ (looking on sites as I lay next to him) so when I said stop, it sent him in a spin. But… fundamentally, he's acted appallingly. I do wonder where we exactly go from here.

I can understand your perspectives and frustrations op, I guess do what is best for the both of you.

Nah.

I realise lying here on the couch and I have this burning desire to make everything ok (huge people pleaser). That I trust him implicitly. I trust what he says. But then he's contradicted himself and just confused me more. He got angry. I was trying to be calm (he accused me of therapising him). I just wanted to understand his perspective as it didn't make sense. He blurted out that he doesn't understand it either, which is what I kinda figured from this morning and that's what worries me. Right nowmindont actually care what he wants to fuck, just that he's really struggling and I don't know how to help him. Then part of me feels quite firm with the idea that my answer is no and that he absolutely has to seek therapy (really hope a session can get arranged soon). What does bother me is he's put a photo of his face on this site and I've asked him to take it down. I've explained he has no idea who's on the other end. He saidninwqs catastrophizing. I so wish I had somewhere I could go. Take the kids with me.

He's messaged. Everything deleted. Apps and messages deleted. Part of me is relieved. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me wants him to come down and say sorry I've been a total wanker and I don't know what I want right now. Yeah that would be awesome right now.

I've tested back that we go out together sat.

!This is all so fucked up! Think about your children!

The OP's DH wants to do a lot more than look at another man.
He is quite possibly gay and is tired of playing at husband and father.

You divorce and set him free, that's how you balance this one.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if your DH wanted a busty blonde woman as well as you.

Being bi doesn't mean you get to foist an open marriage on your partner or instruct your partner to have sex with other people and tell you about it so he can get his jollies.