DH is bi and wants to hook up with a man

[DHisbi]

Name changed owing to the risk of being outed. Dh is bi (as am I). We have been swingers in the past - and mostly enjoyed it. Sadly I was not supportive of DH exploring his sexuality with men (on reflection motivated by the misplaced and judgemental idea he would be less of a man if he has sex with a man - I feel ashamed for thinking this now). This morning we had a big conversation about his desires. In a nutshell -

1. He wants me to explore my sexuality with other couples (again) and come home and tell him (he would find this arousing).
2. He wants to have a hook up with a man and asked for my blessing.

Part of me wants to support his sexual exploration the other part of me is scared that I'm opening a Pandora's box that I will never be able to close again. I'm also worried about his safety, that's he's entering a world he knows nothing about (never been with a man).

Wtf do I do? I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, so interested in hopefully a spectrum of ideas.

I am going to go against most of the replies here:

You married a bisexual guy and you both had sex with other people during your relationship through swinging.

Now you are surprised he wants to have sex with men and have multiple partners?

Your partner has always been this way...

I am not sure why you would expect him to behave like a straight, monogamous man when it was clear it was not the type of of man you got in a relationship with.

You are of course perfectly entitled not to be happy with his suggestions but it also means your relationship is probably over.

Marriage is whatever the two people involved agree it is actually. Nowhere in the marriage contract does it say you're required to be monogamous.

Perhaps MN isn’t the best place to ask
You need to ask people with open minds to swinging , bisexuality and open marriage for sound advice

options In a nutshell

he goes in his own

threesome with bi man

swinging with a bi couple

visit a club perhaps on bi night so no pressure just sexual explore as much or as little as he/you wants in a safe environment

to the exclusion of all others. Yes, it basically does. Whether between two people and to foresake all others, or to the exclusion of all others, that is what marriage is. It's the joining of two people.

This isn't a new thing. It's something you've always enjoyed together. Then stopped.

He now wants to start again

Why did you stop? Did you once enjoy it? Would it give you pleasure to start again?

If this is something you don't want to do then that's perfectly fine. You do not have to do anything but be prepared for this to come between you.

She doesn't have the energy, that's the point! The husband is harking back to a time when they were presumably child free and more sexual with each other and the OP is pointing out they aren't there at this stage of life.

I swing with my DH and we put it on hold since we got a dog!! Because the dog couldn't be left with a dog sitter overnight for a while. Kids is a whole other stage of life. They may go back to the lifestyle or they may not but right now is not the time.

Those are traditional wedding vows only. They aren't a legal prerequisite to marriage. Marriage joins two people in a legal contract. The contract only excludes others from joining said legal contract- it says nothing about physical or emotional monogamy. Your view might be that it's only a marriage if it's monogamous, but you're incorrect if you're expecting your perspective to apply to everybody.

OP can you share more information on the swinging side of things. How long ago, whose idea, who planned it, who decided how often, etc?

I feel like most of the answers on this this thread are generally about your husband sleeping with someone else, but you have both already done that, so what he wants sounds more like a natural progression to me. However, you both have to be on board, but it would be useful to know just how sudden and unexpected his proposal is.

I agree - look again at the budget for couples therapy. You could both end up spending a fortune on travelling and dressing for meaningless hook ups. Spend that money on discussing your own intimacy - it all goes pear-shaped when there are young children in the mix, but that's no reason to take the sex outside the marriage. It would be a very vulnerable thing to do.

As as PP said: is he as interested in your desires being met as he is in his own?

On the bright side, he is having the conversation, not going behind your back. But that doesn't instantly earn him the right to fulfill those desires. When you have children, frankly, you shove most of your selfish pursuits into a cupboard for twenty years.

What is the actual point in getting married then? Why bother? It's making a mockery of the institution of marriage. Why not just cohabit?

So your sound advice is for OP to ignore her own feelings on this and prioritise his desires?

Why is your DH the person co sleeping with your baby, and you on the couch?
Dont you take it in turns?

Also, what’s with the texting each other when you are in the same house ? In the very early hours of the morning…..unless you are in a different time zone, but then you would be at work, not on the couch.

Beta minus .

Do you have anything helpful to this thread or are you just finding ways to pick apart OP’s marriage because it’s not how you think it should be, even though it has nothing to do with you.

I think it's a good word to use to take the intimacy out of a description of sex

No
like anything when you ask advice you gain opinions and pick out what you feel happy with and go with whats relevant
I didn’t put just say no on my list as it’s stating the obvious
also OP did state in her post she was looking at being supportive of it

Also, @Beefcurtains79 your username means you don't really get to judge other people's language use

So why were none of your options explore things from OPs side at all? All very centred around him. Why does being supportive mean letting him fuck other men? How is that ‘sound advice’?
Sound advice includes acknowledging OPs thoughts and feelings too.

Is this what happened to you, as a (presumably) straight person? You slept with one man and now you're waist deep in constant gang bangs because of your inability to keep a lid on the sexual depravity that is a woman having sex with a man? .

This made me lol. So true!

It's not really your business why other people want to get married or how they conduct their marriages is it? My marriage does not affect yours in any way and it's no less a marriage than yours.

Why does he have to be gay? Presumably he's been happily having sex with his wife and plenty of other women throughout his adult life. Wanting to explore his bi side means just that. Bisexual is a thing that is real.

You're tying yourself up in knots, trying to figure him out.

It's really simple :

He wants to fuck men

You're not a man

Nothing will magic this desire away

If you stop him doing this now, you are just kicking the ball along the road, because this WILL resurface

If it doesn't resurface, it's most likely because he's doing it in secret

He will be shagging men, and then putting that same penis inside you (disease)

You've already cheated on each other multiple times, so in reality, cheating again, isn't such a big deal

In summary, he has a very big itch that you can never scratch.

Is this what you want? I'd get out now. But in fairness, I could never be with a bisexual man.

Where did she say they have cheated on each other?

I know bi is real. However, I’m always suspicious of men who claim they’re bi and marry women when young, and when older suddenly want to explore their gay side. I think they struggle to accept they’re gay or family pressure prevents them from accepting it. I don’t believe Philip Schofield was ever bi. I don’t think he turned 50 and suddenly realised he was gay.