Page 6 | DH is bi and wants to hook up with a man

DHisbi · 2023-08-10T22:57:27+00:00

Name changed owing to the risk of being outed. Dh is bi (as am I). We have been swingers in the past - and mostly enjoyed it. Sadly I was not supportive of DH exploring his sexuality with men (on reflection motivated by the misplaced and judgemental idea he would be less of a man if he has sex with a man - I feel ashamed for thinking this now). This morning we had a big conversation about his desires. In a nutshell - 1. He wants me to explore my sexuality with other couples (again) and come home and tell him (he would find this arousing). 2. He wants to have a hook up with a man and asked for my blessing. Part of me wants to support his sexual exploration the other part of me is scared that I'm opening a Pandora's box that I will never be able to close again. I'm also worried about his safety, that's he's entering a world he knows nothing about (never been with a man). Wtf do I do? I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, so interested in hopefully a spectrum of ideas.

LovelyJubbly12345 · 11/08/2023 08:22

Nowhere in the marriage contract does it say you're required to be monogamous

Yes it does. 🙄

IAmJob84 · 11/08/2023 08:26

Hi @DHisbi . Sorry to hear you are going through this conflicting time. You sound like a wonderfully supportive partner with good communication.

I think your fears are very valid. There's alot of change going on in your life and nothing wrong with wanting a bit of stability right now. I know the dance between wanting to protect yourself and your person, but also wishing for them to feel free. It's a hard place to be.

My only advice would be to ask for the conpromise of doing nothing right now. Sort of like the hanged man in tarot- if in doubt, do n'owt! It's okay to ask for time to catch up with yourself, to work on your armour. Would explaining that this is something you need to pause for now but you are not saying a no to for the future, once things have settled in other areas of your life? Maybe your worry is that you don't feel you've got the energy to navigate this new unknown territory and feel like you can protect everyone involved. Your partner has desire on his side and that is a strong force. But I'm sure he will respect your need for time to work out how you really feel and how you want to act first :)

Sending love ❤️

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:34

romdowa · 11/08/2023 04:24

Surely he's gone behind your back by downloading and setting up profiles on these apps? Clearly he's been speaking to people on these apps behind your back?

In fairness yes, he did do this without my knowledge, I hadn't thought of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:38

@ArcticSkewer some really good advice - thank-you 💐 I used mumsnet as I use mumsnet often. It was just accessible. I knew I'd get a range of opinions - which I have. Some helpful. Some not.

OP posts:

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:40

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/08/2023 05:34

Ignoring the fine details...

Life is not flowing easily, you have boring adult shit taking up time - work, child, running a home - this makes having the exciting, close, adventurous etc etc lifestyle you had X years ago much much harder to achieve.

He feels like something is missing/lacking - can't be you/him, you're both still there, must be the addition of other people.

It isn't and he is wrong - you need to invest more in your life together, before making time for other people (if you both want that).

The more either of you invest in other people, extra to your relationship, the WORSE real, day to day life, and your intimacy with one another will get.

I see people do this all the time, whether its having affairs, open relationships, someone investing all their time in computer games (fantasy life, so much easier than real life), hobbies ... it all amounts to the same thing, the more you put in to something else, the less there is left for you + partner in real life, the worse real life becomes in comparison.... round and round.

Add in an autistic person who fixates on an idea being THE solution to a problem and it gets so much worse (I have the Tshirt for that one!) as then they get upset and uncomfortable when someone tries to point out it isn't the solution.

Thank you 🌻

OP posts:

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:42

Earhell · 11/08/2023 06:00

Hi @DHisbi
I have a lot of empathy for you both here.
I'm autistic and have young kids. We've also had periods of an open marriage.
I'm currently wanting an open marriage and DH isn't. It's also friendship i seek, similar to your DH.

Your dh hasn't expressed himself well in this instance but I can also see his perspective. For me, no matter what relationships I forge outside of my marriage, my commitment is to my husband and kids. I feel quite frustrated that dh doesn't fit my thinking right now.

That said, dh has said no. So I respect that. He needs to understand that he has to wait. Which, granted, is hard for an autistic person 😂

Really helpful - thank you 💐

OP posts:

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:45

@Earhell I know its been pointed out that I am focusing on him more but surely that's the way a relationship goes sometimes? I know for certain it has been the other way round. I'm really interested to hear more of the need you seek… why go to sex before exploring friendships? (sorry if I've misinterpreted this). Any advice on how I can discuss this with him would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

TregunaMekoides · 11/08/2023 08:45

I think the bi thing is a total red herring.

The real issue here is that you both adjusted your boundaries when you had kids and now he wants to do push the agreed boundaries of your marriage at a time when you are not comfortable with it.

You and your marriage should always be the priority. If he is incapable of doing that then you definitely need marriage counselling - and with someone who is familiar with the lifestyle you've led in the past.

Fwiw as a very happily married monogamous bisexual, I find it frustrating that people seem to dress up bisexuality as a loophole in relationship boundaries. Either you've agreed you can explore with other people or you haven't. Gender of said people is neither here nor there if it's not what you discussed and agreed. There isn't some magic justification because one of you has suddenly decided there is this other facet to themselves.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/08/2023 08:49

many people on here are very straight-laced OP so you might not get the kind of advice you are looking for

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:49

Charlize43 · 11/08/2023 06:52

You haven't said how old he is (apologies, if I've missed this). Could he be having a midlife crisis? Recently, there seemed to be a lot of older, long married with children male TV Presenters developing a sexual interest in young men... Has he expressed the age of who he'd like to hook up with? I wonder if this has anything to do with recapturing youth - yes that sounds bizarre!

In his 40s. Yup - he has expressed feeling old. His ‘type’ aren't younger.

OP posts:

IAmJob84 · 11/08/2023 08:50

Also OP, I forgot to mention....you said in your original post that you'd felt "ashamed' at one stage after reflecting on your actions. Honestly I'd be proud of myself for being able to reflect on anything and being able to see things from all other perspectives, so regardless of the circumstances I'm proud of you for this, Everything is learning, be mindfull of your own needs. You sound like a wonderful human being, your husband is lucky to have you ❤️ whatever you decide to do!
Good luck x

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:51

LinKwei · 11/08/2023 07:00

Well whatever you decide it's clear that you really need to have a good discussion him. If he's really set his mind to find out what it's like to be another man and has always wanted to explore that side of his sexuality, but didn't because you were a bit judgemental about it, back when you were enjoying swinging, then it sounds like he has not told you before, until now. However if he has kept quiet because you were judgemental about the idea, then he may well resent you for it. This should have been talked about and got it out of his system when you were both younger, before children were in your lives.
It's a tricky situation, but the only way you can deal with it is for you both to be completely honest with each other and hear each other out, without judging. If you decide to let him try it, then make it clear that there are rules that must not be broken.
Tell him that it can just be once to satisfy curiosity
Or that he'll have to wait until he has helped you get the little one into his/her own bed. Which will make it easier for you both to have your time together.
The other thing I thought, is that if he supports you with the kids first and foremost, then the only way you could agree to it is for both of you to find another couple with both partners are bi, and let him explore that desire with you present. But on no account is he to go off hooking up on his own, but if you don't want to go back to the fun of younger days, then tell him that you will support him deal with his curiosity, but as a couple.
On no account bring any of the people you hook with home.
That is probably the fairest way of dealing with it, ultimately it's your choice and I don't envy you.
Best of Luck to you

💐

OP posts:

WilkinsonM · 11/08/2023 08:56

LovelyJubbly12345 · 11/08/2023 08:22

Nowhere in the marriage contract does it say you're required to be monogamous

Yes it does. 🙄

Vows are optional. The wedding contract requires a statutory declaration. The wording is in the attached. Nothing about monogamy.

DH is bi and wants to hook up with a man

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:58

Maddy70 · 11/08/2023 07:40

This isn't a new thing. It's something you've always enjoyed together. Then stopped.

He now wants to start again

Why did you stop? Did you once enjoy it? Would it give you pleasure to start again?

If this is something you don't want to do then that's perfectly fine. You do not have to do anything but be prepared for this to come between you.

Why did you stop? Did you once enjoy it? Would it give you pleasure to start again?

Stopped because I became obsessed with it and it was starting to impact our marriage.

Yes - I loved it. But mistakes were made which we've spoken over.

I'm not against the idea of ever doing it again as I did enjoy it and had great experiences, just not now.

OP posts:

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 09:00

TimesRwo · 11/08/2023 07:47

OP can you share more information on the swinging side of things. How long ago, whose idea, who planned it, who decided how often, etc?

I feel like most of the answers on this this thread are generally about your husband sleeping with someone else, but you have both already done that, so what he wants sounds more like a natural progression to me. However, you both have to be on board, but it would be useful to know just how sudden and unexpected his proposal is.

OP can you share more information on the swinging side of things. How long ago, whose idea, who planned it, who decided how often, etc?

Time - about 15 years ago, pre kids.

I planned it and had complete control of who and when.

OP posts:

WilkinsonM · 11/08/2023 09:02

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 08:45

@Earhell I know its been pointed out that I am focusing on him more but surely that's the way a relationship goes sometimes? I know for certain it has been the other way round. I'm really interested to hear more of the need you seek… why go to sex before exploring friendships? (sorry if I've misinterpreted this). Any advice on how I can discuss this with him would be greatly appreciated.

Personally, I've always been clear with DH that a no from one is a no for both. We both agree to this. He's wanted to do things I haven't (not sexual! We are well matched there) but particularly in relation to ongoing relationships/friendships with sexual partners. It's interesting that both your DH and pp are both autistic and have expressed wanting sexual friendships. My DH wanted to have this, and he's also ND. I never understood it in the least and got quite angry that he couldn't just have normal friendships but he's a bit crap at those! I think normal social interactions are a bit confusing to many ND people and it seemed to make more sense to him to have a flirty pseudo girlfriend relationship than a regular one. That was a red line for me though.

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 09:05

IAmJob84 · 11/08/2023 08:26

Hi @DHisbi . Sorry to hear you are going through this conflicting time. You sound like a wonderfully supportive partner with good communication.

I think your fears are very valid. There's alot of change going on in your life and nothing wrong with wanting a bit of stability right now. I know the dance between wanting to protect yourself and your person, but also wishing for them to feel free. It's a hard place to be.

My only advice would be to ask for the conpromise of doing nothing right now. Sort of like the hanged man in tarot- if in doubt, do n'owt! It's okay to ask for time to catch up with yourself, to work on your armour. Would explaining that this is something you need to pause for now but you are not saying a no to for the future, once things have settled in other areas of your life? Maybe your worry is that you don't feel you've got the energy to navigate this new unknown territory and feel like you can protect everyone involved. Your partner has desire on his side and that is a strong force. But I'm sure he will respect your need for time to work out how you really feel and how you want to act first :)

Sending love ❤️

💐

OP posts:

DonnaBanana · 11/08/2023 09:09

I bet he does something with a fella and goes right off the idea fast. It’s a horny fantasy. He will soon see the reality is not the same.

Anotherchristianmama · 11/08/2023 09:24

DonnaBanana · 11/08/2023 09:09

I bet he does something with a fella and goes right off the idea fast. It’s a horny fantasy. He will soon see the reality is not the same.

You know bisexual people exist, right?

Busubaba · 11/08/2023 10:21

'As a couple we don't share the same definition as (I think) you have of cheating. For me (us) cheating is when you do it behind your partners back. To be clear - I'm not against him sleeping with someone else. I'm against it now at this time in our lives. I am a voyeur and have enjoyed and would love to enjoy watching him have sex with someone else again'

........

Sordid and very sad that children are being raised by people with this mindset. No matter how hard you try and hide your alternative lifestyle, they will pick up on it.

Busubaba · 11/08/2023 10:24

The fact that he is autistic and you say you initiated the whole sleeping with other people suggests that you MAY be controlling and his mind has become very confused about boundaries regarding sex and fidelity.

You both need counselling.

DonnaBanana · 11/08/2023 10:56

Anotherchristianmama · 11/08/2023 09:24

You know bisexual people exist, right?

Show quote history

Yes, but I also know that a lot of people who say they're bisexual without any actual experience of it turn out to have merely been curious and it was more a fantasy than an orientation. He might well be truly bisexual, but it might also be a fantasy and figuring that out could save OP from a lot of handwringing.

wehaveeaches · 11/08/2023 11:10

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 00:17

I'm curious… how exactly do you think this would go? What would you say?

Show quote history

We can't give each other what we want. I want a monogamous relationship, you want to explore your sexuality.

We are no longer compatible. After you've absorbed this please come to me so we can discuss how things will be split.

NewName122 · 11/08/2023 11:56

If he wants to be with other people, split up.

Original poster

DHisbi · 11/08/2023 11:59

NewName122 · 11/08/2023 11:56

If he wants to be with other people, split up.

He wants to be with other people for sex. He's made it clear he doesn't want to split. I also don't want to split. I don't know whether you've read below but he's since stopped all chats and deleted all apps. I haven't had chance to talk with him properly though. I have arranged for us to go out for a meal together tomorrow.

OP posts: