DH is bi and wants to hook up with a man

[DHisbi]

Name changed owing to the risk of being outed. Dh is bi (as am I). We have been swingers in the past - and mostly enjoyed it. Sadly I was not supportive of DH exploring his sexuality with men (on reflection motivated by the misplaced and judgemental idea he would be less of a man if he has sex with a man - I feel ashamed for thinking this now). This morning we had a big conversation about his desires. In a nutshell -

1. He wants me to explore my sexuality with other couples (again) and come home and tell him (he would find this arousing).
2. He wants to have a hook up with a man and asked for my blessing.

Part of me wants to support his sexual exploration the other part of me is scared that I'm opening a Pandora's box that I will never be able to close again. I'm also worried about his safety, that's he's entering a world he knows nothing about (never been with a man).

Wtf do I do? I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, so interested in hopefully a spectrum of ideas.

I would say:

"I am not interested in a marriage where we are having sex with other people. If that is what you want then we will have to split, figure out how to be the best parents we can be and you can go on your way and explore all you want."

Ultimately it is up to you OP. I could not tolerate my husband having sex with anyone else. to me the sex only with each other bit is very very important (and ditto to my dh - literally cannot imagine him telling me he is having a mid life crisis and would like to explore sex with someone else.

But what do you think? you seem very chill for someone whose husband has said he wants sex with someone other than you. I'd be incandescent with rage and deeply hurt.

Is it because you think him having sex with a man is different to sex with a woman? I don't see the difference myself.

@mathanxiety as I said earlier - I couldn't care less who he wants to fuck. I just worry about it's all ce about and his mental health. I want us to focus on us.

Men who get angry when their wives say a perfectly reasonable no to a massive breach of boundaries are not men worth staying with.

It is perfectly ok to acknowledge you are attracted to others of the same sex without having to fuck them for the experience.
He sounds like he wants to be single but have the benefits of a marriage to fall back on.

You're focusing on him but he's not focusing on you.

@@Pallisers i value him being honest. For me the fact he wants to fuck someone else is a cover for something much deeper - this is what concerns me. He actually doesn't know himself what he wants, which I think explains his anger earlier. He does need to talk to a therapist which I know he's sorting. I've also looked up a few support groups for autistic men and mental health groups designed for men. Once he's calmed down and hopeful had some sleep - I'll send them to him.

So, the two of you are absolutely not on the same page here and what's more, his 'page' is an outrageous demand that you have sex with others for his titillation and the equally outrageous demand that you give the green light to him having sex with men.

The fact that he has responded to your No with anger shows you that you're dealing with a selfish, arrogant, and entitled man who has no intention on focusing on the marital relationship.

I think you have a big decision to make. How old are your children?

@mathanxiety he's not handled it well I agree but I certainly wouldn't be leaving him because of it. He's not perfect it neither am I.

I wouldn’t stay married to a man who had sex with another man. He wants to cheat on you and he wants your blessing?? Does he not understand the concept of wedding vows. Your mistake was to go swinging, you set a precedent and he’s hoping you’ll be open for this too.

@mathanxiety he has deleted all the apps/messages (stated earlier - don't know whether you missed). He's made it clear he doesn't want to lose me or the kids over this. He did have it crap earlier. I hope tomorrow he wakes me with a coffee (like he usually does) and an apology.

Do you know what it means to be bisexual? The OP is also bisexual but going by your comment she’s just 100% gay? Educate yourself

Swinging was a joint decision. Initiated and all organised by me (I chose where we went and who we slept with). I don't regret the swinging. I don't like that I prevented him from explorjng his sexuality. I stated earlier I would be willing to go back to seinging but only once we've reconnected intimately and the kids are older (young kids are a massive passion killer personally)

As a couple we don't share the same definition as (I think) you have of cheating. For me (us) cheating is when you do it behind your partners back. To be clear - I'm not against him sleeping with someone else. I'm against it now at this time in our lives. I am a voyeur and have enjoyed and would love to enjoy watching him have sex with someone else again.

Righto. I'm out.

It's one of those threads.

I'm intrigued what makes you think I'm a troll? Or even a man?!?

Surely he's gone behind your back by downloading and setting up profiles on these apps? Clearly he's been speaking to people on these apps behind your back?

Really?

He sounds gay not bi.

Don't fall for the tripe he's never been with a man. He's gay so doesn't mind you exploring else where gives him a good excuse to look straight to outside world whilst having men.

Bin bin bin he will make you miserable

You think it's not believable that a woman can be into swinging and voyeurism?

OP you won't get non judgemental views here because mumsnet doesn't like swinging at all. I agree with you that swinging can only work when your sex life as a couple is at peak and cannot be used as a way to improve that aspect. So you're right to say 'not now'. If and when swinging becomes something you want to do again then try to examine your prejudice against him being with a man. It sounds like it could be something positive if handled right.

I'm intrigued why you thought mumsnet would be any help whatsoever.

As it happens, I have lots of experience of this exact scenario through friends, but it's hardly a Mumsnet staple, is it?

So ... from what I have seen ... I do know exact what you are worried about I think. I know people who use sex as a distraction and it can become a bit compulsive when they are under stress.

I also know that the young kids stage really really changed me. I needed monogamy and a stable family unit feeling for a long time. Too long, I now think it became a bit of a habit. But your kids really are young.

I recommend joint counseling with a sex positive therapist because I think this has potential to break you as a couple. He is being very selfishly focussed on him only and doesn't understand how you might need stability right now. You honestly seem a bit too focussed on meeting his needs. Where are yours being considered?

Plenty of time for all this a bit later, when the kids are older.

Alternatively if you did want to see how you felt, go back to a club together but just for the voyeurism right now ... baby steps.

On the off-chance this is real, no you shouldn’t agree to this if you don’t want to. “Not now” is as much a valid no as “not ever”- you don’t want to do it so that’s the end of the matter. Therapy for him sounds like a good idea, and maybe some for you too to help you feel more comfortable with your boundaries- so many posts about him and what he wants, so few about you.

I agree that an open marriage and small children sounds a bad combination. Time for your husband to place some value on something other than his dick.

Ignoring the fine details...

Life is not flowing easily, you have boring adult shit taking up time - work, child, running a home - this makes having the exciting, close, adventurous etc etc lifestyle you had X years ago much much harder to achieve.

He feels like something is missing/lacking - can't be you/him, you're both still there, must be the addition of other people.

It isn't and he is wrong - you need to invest more in your life together, before making time for other people (if you both want that).

The more either of you invest in other people, extra to your relationship, the WORSE real, day to day life, and your intimacy with one another will get.

I see people do this all the time, whether its having affairs, open relationships, someone investing all their time in computer games (fantasy life, so much easier than real life), hobbies ... it all amounts to the same thing, the more you put in to something else, the less there is left for you + partner in real life, the worse real life becomes in comparison.... round and round.

Add in an autistic person who fixates on an idea being THE solution to a problem and it gets so much worse (I have the Tshirt for that one!) as then they get upset and uncomfortable when someone tries to point out it isn't the solution.

Personally I would divorce as for me having sex with other people is cheating but as it looks your are ok with it I would give my blessings, if he wants to have sex with men why is this a no no from you but you didn't mind him having sex with a woman? Also if he always had fantasies with men, could this mean he has been always gay but because of society he decided to have wife and children?