DH is bi and wants to hook up with a man

[DHisbi]

Name changed owing to the risk of being outed. Dh is bi (as am I). We have been swingers in the past - and mostly enjoyed it. Sadly I was not supportive of DH exploring his sexuality with men (on reflection motivated by the misplaced and judgemental idea he would be less of a man if he has sex with a man - I feel ashamed for thinking this now). This morning we had a big conversation about his desires. In a nutshell -

1. He wants me to explore my sexuality with other couples (again) and come home and tell him (he would find this arousing).
2. He wants to have a hook up with a man and asked for my blessing.

Part of me wants to support his sexual exploration the other part of me is scared that I'm opening a Pandora's box that I will never be able to close again. I'm also worried about his safety, that's he's entering a world he knows nothing about (never been with a man).

Wtf do I do? I can't talk to anyone in real life about this, so interested in hopefully a spectrum of ideas.

OP, it is entirely normal to not want your OH to hook up with other men!

Your stance is so normal and so acceptable. Most couples would not even need to have that discussion. It’s a given in nearly all relationships.

He is the one who is on hook up sites when you’re right next to him. I mean… that’s just not normal and not ok.

Why do you feel guilty?

I think you should both sleep with whoever you want then. Crack on! You should let him sleep with all the men he wants as long as he tells you.
Good luck to your children!

You do realise he doesn’t really love you if he wants to shag another man ! I’d leave

That’s very normal in my experience. Dick comes first, everything else second

Honestly reading this through I think your instincts are correct.You need to emotionally reconnect and ideally both start sleeping in the same bed again and soon.

It's not a straight forward case of wanting to cheat - your marriage is based around different boundaries than most peoples - but the issue with this is the boundaries feel blurry and as your DH is ND he probably doesn't see that he is doing anything wrong.

The poster who said getting him to do nothing is the wisest course for now feels correct. You have young DCs and that should be both of your focus for now, not dreaming up some personal version of Eyes Wide Shut.

Why do I feel guilty?

Because I'm a massive people pleaser
Because I hate the idea of surpresaingbhis exploration
Because I feel guilty about stopping it when we were swinging
Because I want him to be happy

Sounds like it’s you that needs the counselling or the therapy then.

Let Mr little head ruling his one sit quietly for a while and reflect on his request. Bottom line is he can do whatever he wants but the reaction will lead to an action which he may or may not like the consequences of.

I would never sanction this - it’s cheating. And maybe he’s actually gay but doesn’t want to lose you.

I would never do swinging or polygamy or any of the other weird fetish craziness that you seem to find ok. I’d just be prepared for your marriage to be over.

He's obsessed with sex. Is it worth losing everything just for a thrill?

Grow up he should.

Why do you think what your boundaries would be have anything to do with the OP's dilemma?

The homophobia is alive and well 😬

It isn't suppressing his exploration, it is being clear what your boundaries are.
He can undertake any action he wants but all actions have consequences.
It may be that a consequence of your previous swinging is that your DH doesn't want to accept that this a boundary for you.
But that doesn't mean that you can't make that boundary.
He chose to engage in earlier swinging but that doesn't mean it was a blank cheque.

It seems like he needs to understand that he is focusing on the things at the moment. Having sex with other men isn't going to help his relationship with you or his child.

UPDATE

Been at work all day. Came home and DH been sleeping most of the day. He had an interview scheduled at noon but I can see he resceduled this. He's disconnected from his phone so all my attempts at comms throughout the day remain unread. Took the kids our for tea and brought him something back. He's currently in bed eating it. I feel really alone with this. I briefly gained his energy/mood earlier and it was clear he is very down (it's not just about the sex issue - although this may have cracked his psyche open so-to-speak). He's just angry and I think just find me triggering. I want to wrap the kids up and go stay at his mum and dads. I had offered for him to spend some time there (so he can have uninterrupted sleep) but he hasn't read any of his messages. I have no family that I can go to, otherwise I know if have packed in a heartbeat. For my own mental health - I don't know how I'm supposed to bridge the gap between functioning for the kids whilst maintaining empqthetic and willing for him to just completely detach. I have had many moments in our relationship where I feel I've been left just holding the house/kids… I have discussed this with him and he just gets defensive and unwilling to just accept and say ‘yeah… sorry I shouldn't have some that’.

I also just wanted to say thank you for all responses... Thank you especially for those who have demonstrated some understanding of our dynamics regarding our sexuality and sexual expression - I know it's not mainstream (although in my experience people are weird! And get up to all things behind closed doors!). My DH and I have significant childhood trauma which I know plays into all of this.

So he finally texts…

In a nutshell - he acknowledges his selfish prick status.

I've invited him down just to at the very least be in the same room. We can't talk about it as youngest here… but hopefully he'll take my offer of a cuppa.

This is a mess for which there is no satisfactory solution.

Update (again)

So… we've briefly talked. He's held his hands up and completely acknowledged his fuck-wittery. This acknowledgement has meant everything. We have planned to go out tomorrow for a meal and discuss it more without the kids around.

What with the table next to you earwigging?

@painochocolate

We can talk discreetly. If they overhear that really is there problem. Anyhow... Where we’re going tends to be quieter earlier on, which is when we’ll go owing to kids bedtimes.

@DHisbi I think you're being an arsehole if I'm honest. You think it "would make him less of a man" to explore his sexuality and be with a man? Despite knowing he's bisexual? Despite being bisexual yourself? And Despite having a swinging past.
Clown.
That's all.

God, your poor kids. How fucking seedy.

Jesus, how much shame and judgement being projected!

Glad to hear you got what you needed, OP, in his acknowledgement ans it sounds like you've got a good plan to turn a corner in this..like I said before, your communication sounds amazing and open and difficult talks can be the key.

Also your ability to look and recognise thoughts and feelings within yourself that you don't like but are maybe worth looking at, sounds like good insight on self reflection. The PP trying to slame your inner worries about how you might feel about your husband's sexuality- its all normal and we arent are thoughts, so good for you for having that interospection and sorry people use judgement and critism before kindness and compassion. We all have thoughts we may suppress and I think bringing awareness can and does help you transform and move forward.

Good luck with the meal out. Getting physically away from the house and the roles at home sounds like a great opportunity to connect.

• sorry for the typos, it's early here for me and I've a busy day but couldn't not comment after those last few unhelpful comments!

💐

How is it the kids problem if they overhear? You are two adults and it's up to you to make sure your children aren't subjected to these conversations. Your sex lives seem more important to you than your own children and its disgusting.