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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:

namechange1986 · 10/08/2023 14:19

The registry office I married in had restricted numbers for different rooms. Could they be trying to keep costs down?

Original poster

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:21

I don’t think so. They are just being fuss free! I am genuinely upset, like really upset.

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 10/08/2023 14:22

I would be upset too op, I understand keeping the wedding small therefore children are uninvited but this feels personal. Are they doing anything afterwards?

Just a little heads up, your post seems a bit outing so if your sil or her friend etc are on here then they might know it’s about them.

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 14:23

I agree that a confidence is a confidence. I don’t tell my bloke anything if I’m sworn to secrecy.

HaIIie · 10/08/2023 14:23

They want immediate family. You're not immediate family. YABU.

Curseofthenation · 10/08/2023 14:23

I wouldn't be annoyed about the wedding if no sibling's partners were included. I would be a bit peeved about my DH keeping the wedding as a secret from me. His DSis had no decent reason to make that re the wedding, unless you're not great with secrets...

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 10/08/2023 14:24

Are other sibling partners invited?

You're not unreasonable to be upset but if they're not this isn't personal.

HowcanIhelp123 · 10/08/2023 14:25

Is difficult. I had a very small wedding, parents, siblings and siblings partners only (each had a partner of over 5 years so well established).

Usual is her wedding her rules, but I think question is whether other siblings (hers and her fiancé's) have partners also and if they're invited.

If he has a brother and his partner/wife is invited then I'd be having a word with DH about the double standard. I wouldn't mention him not going but I'd be telling him you'd be taking a huge step back from the family and you will be expecting gifts etc to come out of his personal money and not the family pot.

If they're also not invited and it is just parents and siblings I'd be a bit peeved about it but I'd shrug it off.

Lollypop701 · 10/08/2023 14:26

If they invite you they might have to invite others. So maybe not a slight if they want fuss free. I agree a confidence is just that.

I know you’re upset op but it may not be a dig at you

SilverTotoro · 10/08/2023 14:27

I can understand why you are upset, but given that the wedding really is tiny it suggests they do just want to limit numbers rather than it being anything personal about you.

It sounds as though your relationship with your in-laws is generally good so I wouldn’t want to risk upsetting the bride and groom (who have obviously been through a tough time) by raising it. Could you suggest you and your DH take them out for a meal a few weeks after the wedding so you can both celebrate with them?

AffIt · 10/08/2023 14:27

It sounds as though your SiL has had a hard time recently and if, in your own words, 'weddings aren't her thing', then I can see where's she's coming from: after a lot of stress, perhaps she and her partner just want to get things over with with the minimum of fuss.

If other siblings' partners aren't invited and it is indeed only actual immediate 'blood' family, then don't take it personally.

Loveduvetdays · 10/08/2023 14:27

If someone tells me something in confidence, I respect that and don't share it with my partner- it shows how loyal your husband is. However I would be upset about not getting an invite, as the sister-in-law. Especially as you get on with her.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 10/08/2023 14:28

Curseofthenation · 10/08/2023 14:23

I'm the opposite! I think fair enough if he was asked to keep it a secret. However to not be invited to the wedding as a married partner is very odd IMO.

Crossstich · 10/08/2023 14:29

I understand why you are upset but I don't think you can blame him for keeping a confidence. I have kept things from my husband that have been told to me in confidence. I don't see the need to share everything.
I would try not to overthink it to be honest. It sounds as though they want a very small affair with the minimum if guests I don't think it is anything personal. Or that her children being flower girls at your wedding is relevant
If as you say you have a good marriage and are happy don't let this spoil it.

AffIt · 10/08/2023 14:29

And also re: telling somebody something in confidence - absolutely that. If somebody tells me something they specifically want kept secret, I don't tell anybody, not even my OH. It's not my information to share.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2023 14:30

I think you are being oversensitive here.

CamelSilk · 10/08/2023 14:31

I think YANBU to feel upset and it sounds like your DH could be a bit more sympathetic about it.

I guess that if they invite you that would also mean inviting the partners of the other siblings and the best friend and the cousin? So potentially increasing numbers quite significantly?

Pinkdelight3 · 10/08/2023 14:31

YABU. She wants the minimum of people there and she told your DH in confidence. I don't know what there is to get upset about. It's not about you. It's for her and a very small group of immediate family and friends. Treat it like anything else that would involve her family, not as something involving you. Sounds like you have plenty to be happy about in your life so focus on that.

Pebbledashery · 10/08/2023 14:33

I can see both sides of the coin here - however your DH is in an untenable position here.
I truly believe a confidence is a confidence too - if a best friend or sibling told me something in confidence, I wouldn't feel the need to tell my husband JUST because we share everything. It's untrustworthy.
In respect of you not being invited, I think your DH could show a little more empathy - BUT it is HIS immediate family member, therefore in my opinion if I put myself in your shoes, I would think he has to go with or without you.
You can't force her to a) like you or b)make amends with you for the reasons you have supposedly fallen out for.
I think you just grin and bare this one, it sounds like it's just going to be a fuss free/formality type wedding. I can understand the upset, but perhaps this is the perspective that you need to now keep your SIL at arms length.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/08/2023 14:35

I think the secret and small wedding are all a bit of a distraction from the real issue tbh.

Why did your DH not ask her why you aren’t invited?? Do you not get on? Up until now have you been friends? Message each other?

If you have a normal relationship I can see why you’re shocked. If you never speak to her from one month to the next…well, then why is it a surprise?

What sort of relationship you have with the sister is the real question here.

LifeExperience · 10/08/2023 14:36

Her wedding is NOT about you.

Curseofthenation · 10/08/2023 14:36

@ChildrenOfTheQuorn I suppose if a sibling asked me if they could tell me something in confidence, I'd first query if it was something they needed emotional support with. If they didn't need emotional support, then I'd ask them not to disclose the information until they're ready for my husband to know as well. I'm very close to my siblings but it's still a hard no. Like I say, unless OP has a big gob then there's no reason she couldn't have been told as the same time.

I understand that some people want very small weddings though, so that's why I wouldn't be bothered on the invite front unless other partners were invited.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/08/2023 14:37

I can understand you would be disappointed, but I really really wouldn't make a big deal out of this. If everything in your marriage is perfect then this is not important. Going over and over it will create a problem where none need exist, and I think it would be a very bad idea to try and force him to say he shouldn't have kept his sister's confidence, or that he would not do so in future.

PermanentTemporary · 10/08/2023 14:37

Sorry I also think you are overreacting. She is literally having what, 6 guests? That's not a 'family wedding', it is a tiny ceremony and your role is to send a card and be happy for them.

The bad feeling seems to stem from your mother in law lording it over you because she knew something you didn't. If there is history between you and your MIL, let it be. Your dh was right to keep your SIL's confidence.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 10/08/2023 14:37

HaIIie · 10/08/2023 14:23

They want immediate family. You're not immediate family. YABU.

Absolutely this. I can’t see why you don’t understand this. You’re just someone who’s married her brother. She wants a very small wedding.

You should be glad your DH is so trustworthy as to keep his sisters confidence.

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