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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:
jannier · 10/08/2023 15:46

LozengeShaped · 10/08/2023 15:22

As someone who only invited our two children to our wedding, I don't think this is about you. I think it's about her not wanting a big do. She'd perhaps not invite any of her family if she thought she could get away with it.

I went to a wedding so I could look after the two children apart from me there were 2 witnesses (best friends) the parents and siblings were not invited we had a meal in a local restaurant and everyone went home no honeymoon no presents or cake just a quick toast.

Mamai90 · 10/08/2023 15:47

Curseofthenation · 10/08/2023 15:41

@Mamai90 I think there is a very clear and distinguishable difference between being told something in confidence because the person needs advice or support as opposed to being told to keep something secret 'just because'. I don't want to know secrets for the sake of secrets. I only want to be a confidant if it is for a good reason. So, I'm not going to keep something a secret from my husband on the whim of a sibling when he is going to be impacted by it. I would truly rather not know.

It doesn't mean I can't keep a secret! I've kept many from my DH as a confidant. Read what I said again.

Apologies if I picked it up wrong.

I thought you were saying you always share others secrets with your DH even when they aren't yours to share.

Nazzywish · 10/08/2023 15:47

Your overreacting, ALOT! Registry weddings are tiny and if she invites you then she'll have to extend it to other siblings partners and all the kids too ,because then whose babysitting etc. Then his side family will be put out if your all going and he'll have to invite all his lot. Surely you can see this OP?! If there was a big do and all other kids and partners invited and you were left out I'd get but in this case your totally illogical and your poor DH some matters are just for siblings and he kept her confidence which is admirable, especially since its not something that will directly affect you,your life etc

jannier · 10/08/2023 15:49

Someoneonlyyouknow · 10/08/2023 15:28

But she is making a fuss and causing an argument in her family.

Show quote history

Why would you have something you don't want just so your SIl doesn't get the hump. What about other relatives like aunty or godparent before you know it your having to pay for another 10 meals at £60 a head

LozengeShaped · 10/08/2023 15:49

apart from me there were 2 witnesses Our two children (under 18) were the witnesses, to reduce the guests to the fewest possible. OP, if your SisIL hates weddings, it's probably nothing personal. I think that people who like ceremonies don't necessarily get this.

GingerIsBest · 10/08/2023 15:50

But there's a big difference between someone telling me a secret and asking me to lie to my DH?

My friends tell me things in confidence all the time and I don't tell DH. But none of them would expect me to lie to DH eg if friend A is having a hard time for whatever reason. She might well expect me not to discuss the details with DH. But she wouldn't dream of asking me to lie abut spending an evening wit her so that we can talk about it.

Mix56 · 10/08/2023 15:50

UP side, no present. You don't particularly like her

Boysnme · 10/08/2023 15:51

I don’t think SIL is wrong to have the wedding that’s she’s having but she could at least own it and be honest.

All she had to do was say SIL we have decided to have a very small wedding and are only inviting siblings not partners. However she’s been sneaky about it and is expecting your DH to essentially lie to you. That’s the bit I wouldn’t be happy with.

winelove · 10/08/2023 15:51

If my sister told e something in confidence I would not tell my husband.
Happily married for 25 years here.

You need to let this go. Personally I would not be upset; my husband and I are not joined at the hip. Be happy for her, send her something nice in the post.

Sirzy · 10/08/2023 15:53

BlingLoving · 10/08/2023 15:43

This.

She asked him to lie to you. That's not okay. He should have said no and she should not have asked him to do so.

Show quote history

Not mentioning something isn’t lying. It would only have become a lie if the op had asked her husband “is your sister planning on getting married?” And he had said no.

even in a relationship people are still individuals and it’s fine not to share every detail, especially when those details are nothing to do with the relationship.

mummyh2016 · 10/08/2023 15:54

I wouldn't be impressed, BIL+SIL had a small wedding but I and her brothers partner were both still invited. If I wasn't I doubt DH would've gone. And I certainly wouldn't be buying them a present or taking them out for a meal afterwards. Unless there is 10+ other siblings and no partners have been invited I would be taking this personal and would be distancing myself from them.

Fundays12 · 10/08/2023 15:55

This wouldn't bother me. She is your SIL the key being in law. Your not close family to her and it's her wedding. Why not make it a nice day for yourself? Go out for lunch with a friend?

MadKittenWoman · 10/08/2023 15:55

Boysnme · 10/08/2023 15:51

I don’t think SIL is wrong to have the wedding that’s she’s having but she could at least own it and be honest.

All she had to do was say SIL we have decided to have a very small wedding and are only inviting siblings not partners. However she’s been sneaky about it and is expecting your DH to essentially lie to you. That’s the bit I wouldn’t be happy with.

This.

Royalsrumbled · 10/08/2023 15:56

OP... YANBU but I do think you should delete this thread as it's very outing! Xx

Susuwatariandkodama · 10/08/2023 15:57

Sorry OP I understand it’s upsetting but myself and DH had a very intimidate wedding, it was only for parents, siblings and grandparents, no partners were invited. We wanted to keep it to immediate family only, we held a reception after that included the wider family and friends.

azlazee1 · 10/08/2023 15:58

I understand keeping a confidence, but I would be hurt to be excluded from the actual wedding. You are part of the family now and should be included.

FarEast · 10/08/2023 16:02

Yes, it does feel like you are being excluded, but registry offices are small places, and maybe your SiL just doesn't want anyone but her actual birth family there.

And you say this:

I don’t think I am like a sister to her but she is always nice but I wouldn’t say she was proactive in wanting an independent relationship with me.

I think you've answered your own question. I have a SiL with whom I have very little in common. If I were to marry again in a small fuss-free ceremony, I'd want my brother there, but I wouldn't be fussed about his wife being there.

CapEBarra · 10/08/2023 16:03

Keeping the wedding secret wouldn’t bother me, and I’d be thrilled not to have to go to the wedding - deadly dull, boring old things. Given the sudden change of heart re. Marriage I’d be inclined to be supportive given her DH previous illness. My friend was always dead against marriage, but she got married (parents, children, and siblings as guests only) after she was diagnosed with breast cancer as it ‘tidied up’ inheritance, medical decisions, etc. Very sadly, she did pass away so it was a sensible and pragmatic decision. I’m not saying anyone is ill or anything like that in your case, but I am saying that they have their reasons for a quick, quiet, wedding and you should respect them. It’ll be a quickly ceremony and lunch in a nearby restaurant - it’ll probably all be done and dusted in a couple of hours - so it’s not like you’d be missing much anyway. It would be different if it was as a villa in Barbados, but this is a quickie marriage down the local registry office.

Tilep · 10/08/2023 16:08

I suspect it hurts because it’s almost like saying you aren’t part of the family?

Thisismyartform · 10/08/2023 16:09

No partners are invited.

Your SIL sees blood relations as family and not partners. So, to answer your question, no you are not family to her.

Different people have different views as to what constitutes family. Hers are different from yours.

You have to accept this.

saraclara · 10/08/2023 16:10

FarEast · 10/08/2023 16:02

Yes, it does feel like you are being excluded, but registry offices are small places, and maybe your SiL just doesn't want anyone but her actual birth family there.

And you say this:

I don’t think I am like a sister to her but she is always nice but I wouldn’t say she was proactive in wanting an independent relationship with me.

I think you've answered your own question. I have a SiL with whom I have very little in common. If I were to marry again in a small fuss-free ceremony, I'd want my brother there, but I wouldn't be fussed about his wife being there.

But all the spouses/partners of the bride and groom's siblings are being treated the same. So it really isn't personal.

Honestly, this is so simple. The SIL is ambivalent about this whole 'wedding as an occasion' thing, so is going for the bare minimum of guests that she can (presumably only inviting anyone other than witnesses, to keep her mother happy).
There is no unfairness, she's treating everyone the same. Presumably she didn't want to share the information until she has to, at a time of her choosing (probably to avoid people kicking off about not being invited).

DH didn't lie. He kept a confidence so that SIL could give the news herself, to her own timetable. Good man.

Devonnum12345 · 10/08/2023 16:11

Hello OP
I think it’s perfectly normal that you privately feel left out and excluded by someone you clearly regard as family, have always got on gi e with and whom you generously included in your own wedding some years ago; and your SIL’s eye rolling to your invitation for her children to be your flower girls was somewhat ungracious IMO.

Weddings are always tricky and I think it’s understandable that many couples just want to keep it as small as possible and it would seem your SIL has had a rough few years and wants a very quiet, fuss-free wedding. Fair enough.

This is obviously a bit of speculation but perhaps she and her partner aren't actually really bothered about getting married as such but just want to get the legal protections that marriage (or civil partnership for that matter) bring, especially as they have children? And hence they just see it as a ‘means to an end’ and therefore don’t want a fuss, perhaps?

It would have been nice if your SIL could have been a bit more mature about it though and just simply told you about the wedding herself rather than the unnecessary secrecy - I mean, it wasn’t like you were not going to find out at some point?!

Your DH sounds lovely and rather than let it be an issue between the two of you perhaps accept that he’s been placed in a difficult position here and was genuinely just trying to do the right thing by not confiding in you. It’s your SIL’s wedding, her choice and and now you know where you stand with her.

Devonnum12345 · 10/08/2023 16:11

*fine not g iv

RedHelenB · 10/08/2023 16:11

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 14:23

I agree that a confidence is a confidence. I don’t tell my bloke anything if I’m sworn to secrecy.

This. Dh is right ,if it doesn't involve yoy a confidence is a confidence. Yabu, its his sister.

CurlewKate · 10/08/2023 16:12

"If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence."

Of course your DH is right. It's one of those "only on Mumsnet" things that couples share other people's
confidences. I find it rather shocking, to be honest.