Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

I’ve voted YABU because you shouldn’t be falling out with your other half because of SILs behaviour. It’s a shitty thing to not invite you but you’re not her sister so from her perspective you’re not close family. Weddings are a nightmare for upsetting people.

Totally agree.

It's up there with joint email and Facebook accounts for me.

She has effectively asked him to lie about where he would be while he was at this wedding and slap up meal.

I don't think there is any evidence for that. Nowhere was it suggested that he'd go off on the day of the wedding itself and not tell the OP, was there?

If that was the case, then the DH's mother blew that straight out of the water. If the whole thing was designed to be a secret from all who were not invited, right up until after it had happened, then you'd think the bride's mother would know about that.

As long as the other siblings, the cousin and best friend aren't bringing partners then I wouldn't take it personally. I do wonder when your DH would have told you though.

I think I'd keep her at arms length afterwards as she obviously doesn't see you as close.

I can understand why you're hurt because this has made you feel like you're not part of the family, when it's a 'family' occasion.

I think in all honesty I would be upset too, if I'd been married to my partner for a long time, as you have, and I was excluded from a family event like this. It sends a clear message from your SIL that she doesn't consider you part of her family, and that is hurtful when there's no bad blood between you.

I do however understand her wanting a small wedding, and the fact that her sister's partners aren't invited either, tells you it's not personal. However, she is being very unreasonable in being secretive about it, and asking your DH not to tell you. Being open at the start of proceedings by saying, 'we're having a really small wedding, I'm really sorry but to keep costs and fuss down I'm literally just inviting blood relatives - I hope you understand and we'd love to celebrate with partners later' - would be absolutely fine. Being secretive about it is unnecessary, asking your DH not to tell you is unnecessary, and all of the drama around the secrecy makes the exclusion of you from the day really deliberate and I would say quite nasty. Fair enough you're not close, but there's no need for that.

So I do understand why you're upset. But this has told you something about your SIL and how she perceives you and your relationship, which tells you how you should interact with her going forward. She doesn't view you / family in the same way you do, so just be aware of that for the future and set your expectations of her accordingly.

I agree. It seems some people lose their identity as an individual when they are in a relationship.

Keeping the secret fair enough. As to not inviting siblings' spouses/partners - depends on situation, very small weddings eg b/g/best man/ 1 bridesmaid/parents/siblings fair enough, if any bigger or some spouses invited has to be all. I don't even think siblings have to be invited if very small. Some places have very small capacities eg it's 12 at my local one

So just because you wouldn’t dream of having a really small wedding, nobody else is allowed to?

Everyone should behave just like you? Make the choices you would make?

SIL has agency to have the wedding she wants and needs. You sound ridiculous.

What a ridiculously immature and spiteful suggestion.

i wouldn’t be upset about the wedding, if the SIL doesn’t want a fuss then that’s why she has chosen blood relatives only and no ‘plus ones’, she’s treated you all the same so don’t be offended by it, it’s her choice.

SIL asking hubby to keep it secret and him agreeing is a massive no no in my book.. I’d be furious, and especially to find out through someone else which ALWAYS happens, that’s why I don’t agree with partners keeping secrets from each other unless it’s a very good reason. He should have told his sister that he wasn’t prepared to keep a secret from you, because why?? What’s the point of it?? The only thing I can think of is that she thought you may kick off a fuss about being invited? But your hubby should have had your back on that one.. he is very wrong to agree to keep such a stupid secret, and she is very wrong to ask him to.

Personally, I think it bad form to not invite the married partner (unless it was during any various lockdowns, with restrictions on numbers).
This would not necessarily apply to, say, someone's old school friend, but as this wedding is very small, to me, the immediate family would include the OP.
I think she could get away with not inviting her if they were not married, under some ancient etiquette rule, but otherwise, in my view a spouse should be invited.
However, we are always told the bride can do what she likes, but the OP is still entitled to feel omitted.
Like others, I think expecting the DH to keep it quiet is more damaging.
This does not mean that all confidences should be shared between married couples, but in this instance, it means both the SIL and the DH have slighted the OP. (in my opinion).

Let me get this straight- your husband is invited but you're not?

If so, i understand why you would be upset/angry. That is just weird on her part. So weird.

YABU to be upset you weren’t invited, you are close family but not immediate family. You haven’t been singled out, it’s just they wanted a different kind of wedding to the one you had. If you’re really upset about this, you’re being a bit precious I’m afraid.

YANBU to be upset your DH didn’t tell you. It’s good that he can keep a confidence but this was the wrong one not to share with you. I think you need to have that conversation with him because it seems like he prioritised his sister’s secret over your feelings too easily. He has shown he can be empathetic in other circumstances so hopefully you will be able to make him see why you feel as you do.

@Positive41 no partners are invited. Obviously wants a small wedding. Maybe B&G saw what some people did during COVID and thought that would suit them

Do her partner's siblings have children?
Sometimes it's not about you, if she invited you she'd have to invite the groom's sibling's partners and as they seem to be travelling probably also any children they have.
Also you clearly had a big wedding so she might feel some pressure from that and she hasn't even told MIL until the last minute, maybe she didn't want her SIL to know before her own mother and she doesn't want to be pressured by MIL or anyone else to have a bigger do than she wants.

YABVU

My sister had a cancer scare and asked me not to say anything to anyone just yet and I didn’t even think about telling DP.
I eventually had to say there was something up which is why she was ringing me so often and me speaking to her upstairs but I told him it was confident and he never once got upset or asked.

I am shocked that you think your DP should have shared something that his sister told him about.

If she was having a big wedding then I’d definitely feel hurt I wasn’t invited but she obviously wants the minimum amount of people there and it’s nothing personal.

Stop trying to create a drama when there isn’t one.

I don't get why feeling sorry for what they've been through has anything to do with their wedding other than them wishing to make a commitment to each other.
So his siblings partners are also not invited why are you feeling like it's a slight against you then?

OP, I think you are making way too much of this. They just want a very small number of people - it's fine. I have known people get married with just 2 family members, excluding their other siblings and adult kids - nobody minded. You're only missing half an hour in a register office and probably an underwhelming lunch. On the day, treat yourself to a fun day out and be grateful that you escaped!

Would you? And make yourself the star in an unnecessary drama?

Why would you want to be a bitter, sulking "victim" and put your DH in such an awful position?

How would you end up looking like a reasonable adult with any sense of self-esteem?

Sorry, I think we're actually on the same side but my comment was a bit unclear. I was answering someone who said husband was at fault for assuming OP would cause a fuss and family argument but that is what the OP has done.

SiL is not 'having a wedding', she is going to the registry office to get married. 30 minutes in and out. Invited parents (because hers at least would be very upset if not) and siblings and witnesses. As few people as possible, not even her own children who were flower girls for OP.

OP hasn’t caused a fuss and a family argument.

She hasn’t been talking to her SIL or MIL about it.

If she’s upset, she’s allowed to say that to her DH.

Honestly this idea that women have to suck it up and not even say they’re disappointed is typical of MN.

The SIL has been monumentally stupid to cut her sisters in laws out like this. Yes it’s her wedding but she’s lost a potentially lovely SIL over it. And she deserves it.

I think it's fair enough he kept it a secret but I understand you being upset at not being invited and it's odd considering they've got friends and a cousin there, we aren't talking. For the sake of one extra person I think it's really mean, I'd take that as them saying I wasn't immediate family but I wouldn't cause an issue over it. Do you have kids?

I wouldn't be bothered about not being invited provided that the other partners were also excluded but I would be upset by the secrecy. That would just feel sneaky.

I would have absolutely nothing at all against DH going on his own but it should at least be properly explained in advance. Were they just planning on "immediate family" like your DH disappearing from their partners' and children's radar for the day with no explanation? Surely it would get out at that point. there would be less likelihood of bad feeling if it were properly explained in advance, so expectations were managed?

That would have been how I would have approached it anyway if it were my wedding.

As I said though, I have absolutely no issue with weddings being immediate family only and no partners. I would have an issue with simply not being told about it at all.

I'd say nothing though. I'd enjoy a day just doing something special for myself.

I would definitely avoid my DH’s family for a while if they had told him to keep his sister’s wedding secret from me. I’d rather avoid a row so I’d prefer to keep my distance from them until the wedding was over and done with.