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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:
Random789 · 10/08/2023 15:13

If I were i your situation, OP, I might feel a little surprised and hurt but I think I would be able to see that no one had acted at all wrongly. In the nicest possible way, it isn't about you. It sounds like your SIL has has a tough time of it recently. She (and your DH) are only trying to do what's best for her. That's ok. It doesn't need to imply any lack of regard for you.

mommatoone · 10/08/2023 15:13

This is the reason people choose small, fuss free weddings to avoid drama, people being upset who havent been invited etc.
I wouldnt take it personal OP. Her wedding, her choice.

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/08/2023 15:14

Hmmm. I can understand your feelings op, as I would feel the same. Rightly or wrongly. I wouldn’t personally ‘accept’ a confidence from a family member that might impact on my partner, it puts them in a difficult position. I don’t understand inviting siblings to your wedding without partners either - they come as an item imo. My partner just wouldn’t go to a wedding without me, wouldn’t occur to him.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 10/08/2023 15:14

It’s the couple’s choice to have the wedding they want but YANBU to be upset at not being invited. I’d tell your DH that I will be avoiding his whole family for a while because of this.

JadeSeahorse · 10/08/2023 15:14

I personally wouldn't be upset for me.

However, my DH's twin didn't invite HIM to her wedding but invited their elder sibling and her family plus their mother. No-one told DH about it at all! He didn't discover they had married - they had lived together for around 10 years prior - until many months later.

Still don't know the reason almost 30 years later but his twin and I have never had much of a relationship so I really hope it was nothing to do with me as I wouldn't have been bothered at all at not being invited although I think DH would have been upset and declined a solo invitation. Had he asked he would probably have been advised distance - we live 8 hours drive apart although other family invited still live 4 hours away and we invited his twin and then partner to our dd's christening and they both attended so all very strange.🙄

I honestly wouldn't upset yourself OP.
It's obviously a teeny tiny ceremony for direct family only and I am sure you have more important things to concern yourself with.

N27 · 10/08/2023 15:14

I think YABU on both counts.

Your SIL’s relationship with her brother is between the two of you and is independent of her relationship with you two as a couple. She should be able to confide in her brother and you should be proud that your DH has the integrity to enable her to do that.

Regarding the invite, you are family but you are not immediate or blood family, which is clearly what she is aiming for here, and that is absolutely her right.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 10/08/2023 15:16

Her wedding, she gets to decide. This kind of drama is why we told people as little as possible about ours

Random789 · 10/08/2023 15:17

If either of my siblings shared information with me in confidence and didn't want me to tell my DH, I absolutely would not tell my DH (unless there was some overwhelming reason, such as safety, legality).
Loyalty to siblings is important. If I were you OP, his loyalty would make me respect and trust him more.

MrsCarson · 10/08/2023 15:20

She wasn't wrong to have a tiny registry office affair and just her brother parents etc. He was well out of order to keep it from you, it make it seem like he thinks you would make a big old fuss and cause a family argument.
He's the problem in this one.

Spinet · 10/08/2023 15:20

I don't quite understand why you are upset. Like, what's the core reason? Is it that it has made you feel unimportant to his sister? or that he didn't tell you and there was a secret between you? I think if you can get to the base feeling that this is giving you - 'upset' yes, but upset because you feel what? betrayed? and tell your H this is how you're feeling it might help.

Rotterdam · 10/08/2023 15:20

It’s extremely rude.

We had a very small wedding with just siblings (including step) and 2 close friends each. I invited my sister’s and step sister’s partner. I had never even met the latter. I just felt they came as a pair and I couldn’t exclude one.

There are some bridezillas though. At the end of the day it’s up to them. At a family wedding recently, a cousin wasn’t allowed to bring his wife and child, though another relative was allowed to bring his Tinder date.

While saying that, the hurt won’t go away if you are hurriedly now invited. Some people just have no empathy. Just have a really good day by yourself.

LozengeShaped · 10/08/2023 15:22

As someone who only invited our two children to our wedding, I don't think this is about you. I think it's about her not wanting a big do. She'd perhaps not invite any of her family if she thought she could get away with it.

Swanswimming · 10/08/2023 15:23

Being told in confidence is just that. You're not one person and no, it shouldn't automatically be shared with a spouse.
If all the other guests are bringing partners then you're justified in feeling upset. If not then you aren't.

toomuchlaundry · 10/08/2023 15:23

Are other partners being invited, that is the important question?

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 10/08/2023 15:23

PermanentTemporary · 10/08/2023 14:37

Sorry I also think you are overreacting. She is literally having what, 6 guests? That's not a 'family wedding', it is a tiny ceremony and your role is to send a card and be happy for them.

The bad feeling seems to stem from your mother in law lording it over you because she knew something you didn't. If there is history between you and your MIL, let it be. Your dh was right to keep your SIL's confidence.

Couldnt have put it better

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/08/2023 15:23

I’d be looking at them very differently from now on, you know where you stand in the pecking order.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 10/08/2023 15:24

This was always going to end badly. How was he expecting you to find out? Afterwards? Being told by your MIL like that must have been a real shock, and shock almost never leads to good reactions.

I would have refused to keep the secret, simply because I would want my husband to have time to process the situation. He doesn't like any of my sisters (with good reason) so he wouldn't care about the wedding itself, but might initially feel a bit put out until he had had time to think about it properly. In general I would keep a confidence, but my first loyalty is to my husband and I think it's different when the secret being kept involves him.

RadishAndTwiglet · 10/08/2023 15:25

You think your SIL is envious of you. Your DH knows you think this. You may, or may not be correct, but it's irrelevant. The backstory to why her life isn't quite as perfect and straightforward as yours is also irrelevant, although does adds context to why you think she's jealous.

Your DH didn't tell you about the wedding because he knew you'd harp on and find an issue with it, creating drama he doesn't need.

If she was just leaving you out of an otherwise 'normal sized' wedding you'd have a point, but this isn't about you, or her thoughts about you.

She is having a very small wedding. They are inviting one close friend each. Parents and siblings only, no in-laws, no extended family. Whether that's because of budget restraints or just a personal preference for little fuss, isn't really your concern. Wish them well and don't make it all about you and your hurt feelings.

Mamai90 · 10/08/2023 15:26

YABU.

If someone asks you to keep something in confidence why do you need to share it with your DH? That's a ridiculous way to be. You aren't the same person. If my Sister asked me to keep something in confidence then I do. Your DH did the right thing.

YANBU about the invite though. It does seem very odd. Unless there are a lot of siblings and therefore a lot of husbands/wives that would make the wedding party much bigger then I think this would feel personal but I cant say without knowing how many partners aren't invited.

lyralycra · 10/08/2023 15:26

I agree with @HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans , it was always going to end badly. YANBU, either.

roarrfeckingroar · 10/08/2023 15:27

I wouldn't be upset at not being invited but I would be upset if my husband hadn't told me.

Turfwars · 10/08/2023 15:27

I agree with your H on keeping secrets. I actually think more of my OH knowing that he's kept confidential stuff pertaining to his sisters from me.

The wedding OTOH, I think I would be hurt unless a) all spouses are excluded and it is just siblings only b) there's a limit of attendees in the registry office or c) she wasn't keen on me/I wasn't keen on her.

So if I was feeling snubbed and hurt due to none of those reasons being relevant I would probably do nothing but I'd stop considering her my family as she's made it clear that she doesn't consider you part of her family. And also your MIL seems to be a bit too smug that you got omitted so I'd step back from the lot of them.

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 15:27

I've been married for 38 years. I do not tell my husband anything told to me in confidence

They are anti wedding ..they are keeping it immediate family only , married or otherwise partners are excluded.

I wouldn't get worked up about that unless other siblings partners were invited and you weren't

elliejjtiny · 10/08/2023 15:27

It's normal to not invite siblings partners/spouses at a tiny wedding as long as you treat all partners equally. We invited the whole family to our wedding but dh and the dc weren't invited to my cousins wedding (we'd been together 18ish years by then I think) and that was fine. None of the cousin's partners were invited so only the 2 single ones went I think, the rest of us declined.

feellikeanalien · 10/08/2023 15:28

Didn't your DH's sister think that it would put him in an awkward position with you when you eventually found out about the wedding? Presumably she asked him not to tell you because she wasn't inviting you. How did she imagine you would react when you found out?

Fair enough it's her wedding her choice but it does seem a bit odd to me not to invite your SIL to your wedding.

Each to their own though. Obviously without knowing how close you are to your SIL it's hard to say if she's being unreasonable.