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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 16/08/2023 10:38

But no actually I wouldn’t invite my husbands family to be my bridesmaids… the bride usually chooses the bridesmaids and I had my friend, my sister and my nieces and nephews..
but I guess it depends how long you’ve been together before you marry and what your relationship is like with his family. But I don’t understand not inviting siblings husbands/wives to a wedding… it just causes this upset…
sure if a friend invited me and not my DH then I get it as they don’t know him… but to not invite your own SIL & BIL’s is sad.
I guess if she’d actually come round and said to SIL ‘we are getting married but I’m really sorry we are only having 4 people there as witnesses and not inviting any of our siblings partners’ that would be different… however it sounds more like OP found out through the grapevine that she’s not invited and isn’t even sure if others are taking partners.
She should’ve made it clearer that she’s inviting 2 people (mum and brother) and her DP is inviting 2 people - if that is indeed what’s happening… but yes I agree it sounds like they’re doing it more for legalities than a nice wedding… but do think the bride should’ve handled it better rather than leaving people to find out they’re not invited and feel left out.
mid it’s the money I’d just say ‘please don’t buy us a gift, but instead pay for your chosen meal in the restaurant after.

I just couldn’t leave my SIL out unless she meant nothing to me. Because she IS family

jannier · 16/08/2023 15:08

T1Dmama · 16/08/2023 10:18

The flower girls were her husbands family not hers…. It’s lovely she asked them to be part of her wedding and included them…
I said that to demonstrate the fact that OP regarded her SIL & her kids as important enough to include in a major way….. yet SIL doesn’t even think enough of OP to give her an invite to a registry office.
I would feel very left out if this happened to me. I had a bridesmaid at my wedding and wasn’t fussed about not being asked to be hers… so no it’s not about returning the favour…. But I’d have been pretty gutted if I wasn’t even invited to my chief bridesmaid registry office wedding.

Show quote history

It's wasn't her wedding it was their wedding...the bride is half of the wedding and the groom is as entitled to have his niece involved as the bride.
Sil and BIl make up the decision on who they invite they are not inviting her siblings partners or any other his siblings partners the groom happens to be best friends with his cousin so is inviting him without his partner as a witness/best man the sil is inviting her best friend no partner as her witness/bridesmaid

Why is everyone saying it's sil when bil is equally part of the decision making on who comes and where etc....sexism or what????

jannier · 16/08/2023 15:11

T1Dmama · 16/08/2023 10:38

But no actually I wouldn’t invite my husbands family to be my bridesmaids… the bride usually chooses the bridesmaids and I had my friend, my sister and my nieces and nephews..
but I guess it depends how long you’ve been together before you marry and what your relationship is like with his family. But I don’t understand not inviting siblings husbands/wives to a wedding… it just causes this upset…
sure if a friend invited me and not my DH then I get it as they don’t know him… but to not invite your own SIL & BIL’s is sad.
I guess if she’d actually come round and said to SIL ‘we are getting married but I’m really sorry we are only having 4 people there as witnesses and not inviting any of our siblings partners’ that would be different… however it sounds more like OP found out through the grapevine that she’s not invited and isn’t even sure if others are taking partners.
She should’ve made it clearer that she’s inviting 2 people (mum and brother) and her DP is inviting 2 people - if that is indeed what’s happening… but yes I agree it sounds like they’re doing it more for legalities than a nice wedding… but do think the bride should’ve handled it better rather than leaving people to find out they’re not invited and feel left out.
mid it’s the money I’d just say ‘please don’t buy us a gift, but instead pay for your chosen meal in the restaurant after.

I just couldn’t leave my SIL out unless she meant nothing to me. Because she IS family

Most people in a modern wedding recognise it's not just the brides party (bridzillas excepted) and are fair to both families as they tend now to pay equally as independent adults rather than get brides father to foot the bill

HonoriaLucastaDelagardie · 16/08/2023 22:02

you had her kids as your flower girls even though they aren’t your family, you made a huge effort to include her and her children… and she can’t even extend an invite to you!

Perhaps SIL wasn't bothered about her dds being flower girls. Perhaps she would have preferred not to have the hassle, or have such a prominent role, but agreed so that OP could have the wedding she wanted. But people think OP should not be prepared to extend the same courtesy to SIL and allow her to have the wedding she wants.

azlazee1 · 17/08/2023 05:21

I've seen quite a few posts here where a spouse is not invited to the wedding or event. It shocks me quite frankly and I find it incredibly rude. I would be very very upset if I were the one not invited.

jannier · 17/08/2023 10:28

azlazee1 · 17/08/2023 05:21

I've seen quite a few posts here where a spouse is not invited to the wedding or event. It shocks me quite frankly and I find it incredibly rude. I would be very very upset if I were the one not invited.

What line would you draw when you want a wedding with no fuss and only your parents would you then be forced to invite your siblings now their partners what about aunty June you went as a bridesmaid to hers aged 8 so you better have her daughter as yours now before you know it you've gone from a meet at 11 half hour registry office and £60 quid for a round of drinks to spending £0000s just to keep everyone happy but you never wanted it and only did it for the legal protection but your parents wanted to be there.

azlazee1 · 17/08/2023 16:05

Your response Jannier is off the wall and off point. You want to wed with just your parents fine. But to invite one partner and not the other is incredibly rude.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 17/08/2023 17:45

azlazee1 · 17/08/2023 16:05

Your response Jannier is off the wall and off point. You want to wed with just your parents fine. But to invite one partner and not the other is incredibly rude.

No partners are invited....

jannier · 17/08/2023 21:04

azlazee1 · 17/08/2023 16:05

Your response Jannier is off the wall and off point. You want to wed with just your parents fine. But to invite one partner and not the other is incredibly rude.

What partner has been invited the op has said no partners are invited?

jannier · 17/08/2023 21:06

azlazee1 · 17/08/2023 16:05

Your response Jannier is off the wall and off point. You want to wed with just your parents fine. But to invite one partner and not the other is incredibly rude.

I think it's incredibly selfish to force people into debt so others can have a free knees up

TedMullins · 18/08/2023 06:29

Christ so many people are nuts. NO partners are in invited, it isn’t a snub to the OP. It’s a tiny fuss free legal procedure for people who don’t want a wedding, what’s hard to understand about that? Why do you care?

TedMullins · 18/08/2023 06:30

azlazee1 · 17/08/2023 05:21

I've seen quite a few posts here where a spouse is not invited to the wedding or event. It shocks me quite frankly and I find it incredibly rude. I would be very very upset if I were the one not invited.

Why would it upset you though when NO spouses are invited? Genuinely I can’t understand why you care? It’s not a personal dig.

azlazee1 · 18/08/2023 17:10

I wasn't aware that no spouses were invited. However in many of the posts I was referring to, that is not the case.

jannier · 19/08/2023 06:47

azlazee1 · 18/08/2023 17:10

I wasn't aware that no spouses were invited. However in many of the posts I was referring to, that is not the case.

Does that mean I'm back on the wall now and you're doing the humpy dive?

azlazee1 · 19/08/2023 17:57

I have no idea what that even means. No response requested.

Elsiebear90 · 19/08/2023 18:08

Honestly, this is why I had my wedding abroad, because if you have a small wedding in this country people get offended when they’re not invited. Then before you know it your 15 person wedding has turned into a 50 person one that you can’t afford and didn’t want.

jannier · 19/08/2023 21:26

jannier · 19/08/2023 06:47

Does that mean I'm back on the wall now and you're doing the humpy dive?

Show quote history

My response was off the wall and off point but you hadn't bothered to read the ops posts so missed that no spouses were invited....so your post was off the wall and off point.

Blondebrunette1 · 23/08/2023 10:26

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 13/08/2023 08:47

Tune in again tomorrow for another episode of "In-LawWoes". 3pm, Channel X, just before Countdown.

Your SIL is a massive drama llama. Does she really have troubles, or are they self inflicted? The 2 are very different.

Sounds to me like she courts drama. She wants to get married. She says she doesn't want a fuss, but so far she has whipped up a secret that has upset a happy couple, kept her mum in the dark, made her mum cry and caused a mini feud with her SIL". Yep, real fuss free.

Some people are like this. The thing to do is not be a walk on part in her drama. Don't be an extra.

This isn't as serious as you think. It's just in-law soap. Pull up a chair, grab some popcorn and enjoy.

The only thing you need to do, is not be a mug, and do things for them form now on. You aren't as important to them as you thought, so downgrade them in your life.

Absolutely this! 💯 agree x

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