Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

The not being invited I'd be fine with but the secrecy is bizarre. Where was he planning on saying he was going?!

Your MIL sounds like a proper bitch...

I think you're being unreasonable, sorry. They want their siblings, parents and one 'best' person each as witnesses. That's what they want. You don't fall into that category and the back story doesn't matter.

Plaster a smile on your face, send them a text to wish them well, take them out for dinner in a couple of weeks, and put your hurt to one side. I understand why you're hurt, but it's not about you, it's about having the smallest wedding possible for people who don't actually like weddings.

With the exception of the best friend, everyone attending is a blood relation.

As much as you would be considered ‘family’ in the wider context … you are not actually close family, you are a ‘in law’.

You say they want a fuss free trip to a registry office. It’s not personal.

And yes, as pps are saying, your MIL isn't helping which is probably making you feel even more hurt, but still. Not about you.

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I would be put out not to be invited. I wouldn't be taking them for a meal.

This is MIL stirring. No need. She doesn't sound great.

I understand that you're upset, but you'll have to put it to one side. Your husband kept a confidence. It says good things about him.

I suspect that is the real issue here…

"Her youngest child had a condition when it was born"

God you talk about your niece or nephew with such closeness and love. Can't think why she wouldn't want you there when you're evidently so close.

That said I wouldn't be paying for a meal to celebrate a wedding I wasn't invited to and which was kept secret from me.

I wouldn't hold it against my partner if he kept something in confidence for a close friend or family member. Obviously you were going to find out eventually.

They won't have come to their decision of how to marry and who to invite lightly, and asking your husband to keep it quiet suggests she's already worried about upsetting people. Don't make it harder for her, as you said yourself, they've had a tough time.

There's really nothing your husband can do to "reconcile it", he's not done anything wrong imo. It's his sister, he should be able to attend for her guilt free.
Just wish them well and arrange to do something nice for yourself that day x

I can totally understand you being upset at not being invited and feeling left out by someone you obviously care about, but ultimately I'm afraid YABU. Your SIL clearly did not want any fuss. She's inviting the bare minimum she can get away with - I get the impression she'd probably have eloped if she'd felt her mother would ever forgive her. You have to accept that her wedding doesn't mean the same to her that yours obviously did to you and you need to respect her wishes.

I also think YABU to have a go at your husband about this. I keep my siblings confidences if they ask me to. I'm very close with my husband and we generally tell each other everything. But both of us understand that some secrets aren't ours to share. If your SIL wanted you to know she'd have told you and again you need to just accept that.
This isn't about her lack of feeling for you, it's about how she feels about her wedding and while I can understand how you feel, I think you need to find a way to work through it and let it go.
Can you offer to look after her kids to help out?

I think he should have told you with proviso that you tell no one. If he could trust you to do that then yanbu. If he couldn't trust you not to cause hassle, tell lots of people etc etc then yabu. Really, only you know.

What's your relationship like with his sister?

Why do people have to jump to these mean conclusions? There is nothing to indicate this. The OP quite reasonably thought she was part of the family

But his sister told him on that proviso

Two separate issues. The first is your DH keeping someone’s secret. You say ‘If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well’. That’s pretty extreme. So if a friend tells you something in confidence you automatically share it with your DH? I hope all your friends know that!

The second issue is about not being invited. I can see why you’re upset. It’s a tiny, registry office wedding but I think most people would find it a little odd they didn’t invite you as it would only be one more person (plus siblings partner/s) and you’re part of the family. Try and take it as a reflection of their (the couple’s) desire to keep everything as minimal and low key as possible rather than as a personal slight.

It sounds like a very small do. It would be nice if they’d included you but it is their choice. You sound like you aren’t that close.
I think I’d be bigger person and suggest a meal or something afterwards to celebrate.

If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well.

I can't abide ANYONE who thinks like this - and that includes some PPs above

It is their wedding. They want a small wedding and that is more than ok.

you seem to be trying to make everything about you.

If things are said to me in confidence, they go no further.
Sounds like MIL is shitstirring, and as others have said, limited numbers and you're not immediate family.
YABU IMO.

Exactly this, except I wouldn’t assume from this that she doesn’t regard you as a friend, she must have lots of friends who aren’t attending. They are just keeping it to immediate blood family and a best friend each side.

Sort yourself out; this isn’t all about you. She didn’t ask him to keep a confidence about something important for you to know.

What an awful reaction to their happy news.

Fair enough if he was told it was a secret (however puerile that it) but I would think it odd that you’re not invited. However, I would happily not attend my SIL’s wedding (highly unlikely to happen) as she makes it very clear she doesn’t like me!

I would not be upset about the confidence. Your DH sounds very decent and he did what he was asked to do by a close family member. It’s unfortunate for him that he was put in the situation of being asked not to tell something even to his wife, and a bit weird that they asked him not to tell anyone including you (I mean, some confidences stay secret forever but this was inevitably going to come out, so they may as well have let him tell you and warm up the idea of the tiny wedding). But he was asked to keep a confidence and he did. Not a reflection on your marriage but on his understanding of a confidence.

As for not being invited, I would be upset because it’s not what I would do. Yes, fine to having a tiny wedding, but I’d never ask one half of a close family couple to attend and not the other. But I accept some people will see that differently. If I were the only spouse not invited and it felt personal that would be different, but if it really is just siblings, parents and one guest each, then that’s what it is. I would be hurt and I might say so to my DH but then I’d leave it alone. It’s the bride and groom’s decision, it has its own logic and I wouldn’t put my kind DH in an impossible situation or make him feel bad about a situation he didn’t choose.

If things are otherwise good and normal
between family members then I think I’d put this aside and try not to let it sour relations.

Don't be upset with your DH, he sounds like a good man who knows how to keep a confidence. As close as husband and wives should be, it doesn't mean they have to tell you everything, especially things told to them in confidence.

Regarding the wedding, it's ok to feel disappointed, but to be upset is a bit much. Unless the other siblings have partners who are being invited, if this is the case, then I would want to know why.