Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

But she is making a fuss and causing an argument in her family.

My DH says a confidence is a confidence.

He's right. He's a good man in my opinion.

My SIL didn't even invite my DH (her brother) or her parents to her register office wedding. It wasn't an elopement, we all knew the date and time. They just wanted the absolute minimum fuss.
Your SIL probably didn't dare do that due to her mums attitude to marriage, so has kept it to the absolute minimum - her nuclear family and one best friend. I'd genuinely not find that a problem. I think you're taking it unnecessarily personally.

Thank you all for responding.

i honestly did about 5 drafts before I posted.

I am sorry I seemed cold towards DH’s nephew. I certainly am not . Zi was very upset.

I mentioned her daughters being flower girls merely to illustrate her attitude to weddings.

My in-laws are wonderful and MiL is not a ‘shit-stirrer’ she didn’t know that I hadn’t been told.

I don’t think I am like a sister to her but she is always nice but I wouldn’t say she was proactive in wanting an independent relationship with me.

One illustration of my DH’s empathy was when I was unhappy at s practice I was in. He told me life was too short and to leave. He immediately started to put money in my account, he didn’t comment when the next role didn’t work out and even now I am happy in my current role has got round to stopping the standing order. He is a good man but he just can’t see why I am upset.

Brother-in-law has two sisters, both going to wedding without husband/long term partner, one even flying in from Dubai for the occasion Meal afterwards is a thank you for coming, only for guests.

I recognise it’s not about me and DH won’t ask his sister about me coming and just isn’t seeing the fuss.

Thank you I have clarified things in my head by the responses and even writing about DH makes me realise how lucky I am but I am still shocked, I wouldn’t dream of doing this!

A cousin is included too, so not just immediate family.

Why do you need to share other people's business with your husband? Unless it directly affects him then I really don't understand why. It seems really pathetic like you can't be your own person.

100% on this about siblings confidences. If it’s not going to impact my husband or our relationship then their secrets are not mine to share.

I echo what other people have said here. She’s not being unreasonable. It’s ok to feel angry - it’s horrible to feel left out - but I find it helpful to remember that not all our emotional reactions are ‘real’. It sounds like she’s had a pretty rough ride and doesn’t want to have a big hullabaloo.

if you objectively understand this, then it might be helpful to step back and be curious with yourself about what exactly is making you feel so cross. Is it because your husband kept her confidence? Is it because you feel left out? Is it because you are ‘the one that things go well for while they don’t for her’ and it’s uncomfortable to have that status quo changed? Is it because her parents were pleased you guys got married when they didn’t + now you won’t have that special status?

anything you feel can be valid - but it’s worth having a serious conversation with yourself about whether it’s worth creating conflict about.

According to mumsnet, in general, in-laws ARE last in the pecking order. Very much so. Especially if they're MILs.
Can't have it both ways..

But this isn't really about pecking order. It's about the smallest acceptable number of people at something that SIL clearly doesn't want to be a Thing. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I can see why you're upset, OP.

I would just keep a low profile with SIL now. Stay friendly but don't get involved in a wedding present or wedding card, let DH sort it all.

And I wouldn't do anything special like organise a celebration meal for SIL.

If they want to stay over in future, don't host, let DH host them and you do your own thing.

She has chosen the terms on which she wants this relationship to proceed, so let her crack on. Nurture your relationship with MIL.

From your OP, I think there are some undertones in the family dynamic you're not acknowledging or perhaps not aware of.

Your SIL may not feel as positively towards you as you would like and that's why your DH kept it a secret.

If you were the only spouse excluded @WinchmoreWoes then I'd concede you'd have a right to feel pissed off. As it is, then YABU.

I'd be disgruntled he didn't tell me, like a new going to sneak off there and never mention it and when I eventually found out deny it? That's weird.

But uabuu to be upset she hasn't invited you when it's clear she's opted people in not out. Thos isn't 100 people but you smell so you're not allowed. She's got immediate family aka blood
All the stuff about how your life is so much better than yours is irrelevant. She isn't excluding you because she's so jealous you're so awesome. She's just limited it to very close family

As no other partners invited why are you upset? It's not personal, it is obviously a very fuss free wedding. Be happy for her, and don't change your friendship with her

This. I honestly cannot fathom why you would get so upset about this.

Brother-in-law has two sisters, both going to wedding without husband/long term partner,

Then everyone's being treated the same. So why, exactly, are you so angry about it?

It's absolutely clear that SIL wants the minimum number of people. The bride and groom's siblings, their parents, her best friend, his cousin (presumably also his best friend). Sounds fine to me.

I think you have every right to be upset.
In terms of not being invited - I understand why you're upset and agree, but at the end of the day, it does sound like they are making this as low key as possible with direct, blood relatives only. You'l have to suck that one up.

On the secrecy thing, I'd be furious. In effect, your SIL has asked your DH to lie to you and that is very different to asking him to keep a confidence. A confidence is that she's feeling overwhelmed and stressed at work or she's worried about her partner/child. This isn't what we're talking about here.

She has effectively asked him to lie about where he would be while he was at this wedding and slap up meal. She's asking him to be careful about things he says int he future eg not referring to her husband as such etc. If he has to buy an outfit or wear something he wouldn't usually, he would have to lie to about why. And that's before we even get into things like hiding his phone in case you see a picture or sudden silences if someone mentions the wedding and you wander into a room.

It's hard not to take any of that personally from your perspective. And if I was your Dh I'd have said no way to my sister.

Sounds like it is just siblings, parents and immediate family.

You don't sound particularly close to your SIL. Did you provide a lot of support while her child was sick or her partner was in an accident?

I think she is only having close people and you aren't one of them.

So the back story irrelevant other than you had an idea weddings as in big expense wasn't her thing.
Mil comes in excited and happy her daughter is now getting married....you already knew that she was upset that SIl wasn't already married so no surprise mil was happy....was it mean to be happy and excited?
Obviously if she had a go at her son for not sharing the secret it wasn't about you she was just happy. How many other friends whom may have known her longer are not invited?
You not going....how many other potential partners are not invited?

YABU. No partners/spouses are invited. They want a tiny wedding and you're not family in the sense of being biologically related. You're also BU to expect your DH to tell you stuff he was told in confidence! You're still individual people despite being married.

@Mamai90 I think there is a very clear and distinguishable difference between being told something in confidence because the person needs advice or support as opposed to being told to keep something secret 'just because'. I don't want to know secrets for the sake of secrets. I only want to be a confidant if it is for a good reason. So, I'm not going to keep something a secret from my husband on the whim of a sibling when he is going to be impacted by it. I would truly rather not know.

It doesn't mean I can't keep a secret! I've kept many from my DH as a confidant. Read what I said again.

It’s interesting, OP, that you include all that back story when it isn’t something that she has mentioned in relation to the wedding. So it sounds like you have felt that your relationship with her is strained and that she might hold ill-feeling or, at least, complicated feelings about you because your life with her DB has gone so well when hers fell apart for a while. Do you have any reason for feeling this? Has she said anything or is it just that the two of you aren’t as close as you anticipated being with a SiL?

I don’t think the wedding necessarily shows that. From your description, to me, your SiL Just sounds like someone who sees a wedding as an administrative thing. She’s and her Fiancé are inviting immediate blood relatives and a best friend each (I’m assuming that’s the role of the cousin). That’s not a snub to you, it’s just not seeing weddings as important and not wanting the social pressure associated with being a bride. From what you’ve said, she gets a huge amount of that from her mum. So this approach is probably far more to do with her mother than with you.

I think it’s okay to be disappointed you aren’t invited, but it’s probably not reasonable to take offence.

On the confidence front - couples treat this differently. I don’t think there is one right way, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to think there are no circumstances in which a partner should keep confidences. And I don’t think this is a confidence which he should have felt he had to tell you about regardless of what was asked of him. But you and DH probably need to talk a bit about your approaches to confidences - not so you can change his mind or he yours, but so you build understanding and trust together.

Honestly, I don’t feel marriage gives me a status. I am not jealous. I have felt awful for them when things went wrong for them.

I never said I was being singled out but should have mentioned his siblings’ partners in first post . It wasn’t deliberate.

This.

She asked him to lie to you. That's not okay. He should have said no and she should not have asked him to do so.

It’s obviously weird of your SIL, unless there is a really tiny capacity to the room. Has your MIL said anything?
I don’t think there’s anything you can do, you have to accept it.

Exactly, @WinchmoreWoes so if your best friend or a family member told you something you'd HAVE to tell your dh? Do they know this?

I think you just have to not take it personally. It does sound like a very small wedding. My SIL got married and didn’t even invite her own parents or brother (my dh), just a few friends. No falling out, she just didn’t want a fuss and didn’t tell us till after.