Page 19 | Excluded from family wedding

WinchmoreWoes · 2023-08-10T13:15:44+00:00

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it. I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier. DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing. Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet. My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret. I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence. It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses. Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family? It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 12/08/2023 10:00

I don't get why you felt the need to explain about how hard their life has been compared to yours. This may be information that people would rather not be talked about. It has no relevance to the fact they've only just now decided to get married. Sounds like your SIL wanted to tell her parents before they told you. That's not a bad thing. And as you said, you thought she just wasn't that into weddings and this is their way of getting through their big day.

CountessWindyBottom · 12/08/2023 10:23

What a strange thread. It’s so outing and if your SIL in on Mumsnet then she will undoubtedly have seen it.

I think your husband can’t really win here as he kept the secret and obviously wasn’t told when it was no longer a secret. And while it’s hurtful not to be invited I’d feel so much better that other spouses aren’t. Perhaps they wanted to keep it secret to avoid all the fuss that has now materialised.

For the life of me I can’t get to grips with all the gratuitous information you’ve provided re how awful her life is compared to yours and how your husband pays money into your account. Even the ‘very very happily married’ statement in the OP all seems so supplemental and ‘smug’ I’m wondering if there is perhaps an element of historical oneupmanship on your part which has now been challenged because your SIL is now going to join the married brigade? I think there is more to your feelings than perhaps you realise.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 12:08

toomuchlaundry · 12/08/2023 09:23

Wow some of you sound unhinged.

Totally agree. I really hope that OP is ignoring some of the advice on this thread.

I can't imagine what some of these exceptionally paranoid posters are like in real life. Can you imagine one of them marrying into your family?

Original poster

WinchmoreWoes · 12/08/2023 12:11

This is my first thread that I have created. I didn’t want to be accused of drip feeding. I don’t blame people for thinking I have given gratuitous information but I don’t think it is gratuitous. I wanted to give a wider context to this one incident.

DH is a good man who has definitely had my back in the past but he doesn’t see my not being invited to his sister’s small wedding as an occasion for having my back.

My MiL is not obsessed by weddings but wanted her daughter married. I mentioned SiL and BiL’s troubles as I am hypothesising that this is the reason why they are marrying.

DH was told not to tell anyone not just me. She wanted all the details down before she told parents and those who needed to make arrangements.

My MiL was not gloating. she was shocked I didn’t know.

DH has told MiL now about my exclusion and she cried. Apparently SiL has said that if any mention of wedding is made she will withdraw MiL’s invitation so she is scared of addressing it.

SiL totally understands that the guests will tell their partners about wedding to explain their absence on the day. However, they don’t intend to tell anyone even the family they are going on holiday with the following week. They assume that their elder two children might mention it but that will be their choice.

Thank you everyone for responding. In many ways if everyone agreed with me I might have been more upset as my emotions would be validated.

I am ok with hypothetically in our case, couples not being invited to weddings together like a work colleague but to leave a brother’s wife out has upset me. I know people have far worse things to contend with.

I am definitely not adding any more comments as I have said everything.

OP posts:

TregunaMekoides · 12/08/2023 12:24

WinchmoreWoes · 12/08/2023 12:11

This is my first thread that I have created. I didn’t want to be accused of drip feeding. I don’t blame people for thinking I have given gratuitous information but I don’t think it is gratuitous. I wanted to give a wider context to this one incident.

DH is a good man who has definitely had my back in the past but he doesn’t see my not being invited to his sister’s small wedding as an occasion for having my back.

My MiL is not obsessed by weddings but wanted her daughter married. I mentioned SiL and BiL’s troubles as I am hypothesising that this is the reason why they are marrying.

DH was told not to tell anyone not just me. She wanted all the details down before she told parents and those who needed to make arrangements.

My MiL was not gloating. she was shocked I didn’t know.

DH has told MiL now about my exclusion and she cried. Apparently SiL has said that if any mention of wedding is made she will withdraw MiL’s invitation so she is scared of addressing it.

SiL totally understands that the guests will tell their partners about wedding to explain their absence on the day. However, they don’t intend to tell anyone even the family they are going on holiday with the following week. They assume that their elder two children might mention it but that will be their choice.

Thank you everyone for responding. In many ways if everyone agreed with me I might have been more upset as my emotions would be validated.

I am ok with hypothetically in our case, couples not being invited to weddings together like a work colleague but to leave a brother’s wife out has upset me. I know people have far worse things to contend with.

I am definitely not adding any more comments as I have said everything.

From this update I'm kind of surprised they didn't just elope. It seems like by trying to make it as low key and simple as possible, they've made it very complicated.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 12:44

Apparently SiL has said that if any mention of wedding is made she will withdraw MiL’s invitation so she is scared of addressing it.

You are not missing anything by not attending this wedding.
There is something pretty deep going on for your SIL with regard to it. You say that she lovely, so I don't think she's out to spite anyone. It seems like this legal wedding is something that she's doing because she has to. It's obviously not going to be a warm and celebratory event in any way.

I feel sad for her, to be honest. Something is amiss and you're probably best out of it.

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 12/08/2023 13:04

I agree with the pp who says SIL should have just eloped. She’s obviously a very anti-wedding person who just wants to get it done with no fuss. By inviting siblings she hasn’t managed to keep the wedding quite low key enough. Threatening to withdraw MIL’s invitation if the wedding is mentioned is really nasty.

It sounds like it won’t be a pleasant few weeks for DH’s family!

toomuchlaundry · 12/08/2023 13:06

I bet SIL has been pressured about not being married by MIL

swimminginthesun · 12/08/2023 13:10

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 12/08/2023 13:04

I agree with the pp who says SIL should have just eloped. She’s obviously a very anti-wedding person who just wants to get it done with no fuss. By inviting siblings she hasn’t managed to keep the wedding quite low key enough. Threatening to withdraw MIL’s invitation if the wedding is mentioned is really nasty.

It sounds like it won’t be a pleasant few weeks for DH’s family!

SIL should do whatever she and her fiancé want to do. It’s their wedding.

Gothambutnotahamster · 12/08/2023 14:35

I'd feel hurt too Op, but it doesn't sound like there's anything else you can do. I'd cool it a bit with SIL until all wedding talk has long died down and then try to move forward.

I always think it's a shitty start to married life when a wedding causes close family members to feel hurt / upset but that's on them. They really should have just eloped - less hurt caused all round and it sounds like she's not a fan of weddings anyway.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 14:38

toomuchlaundry · 12/08/2023 13:06

I bet SIL has been pressured about not being married by MIL

Absolutely. And that threat crystallizes it. It pretty much says "mum, you're the one who's insisting that we do this, so just keep out of it and let us do it in the only way acceptable to us, or don't come".

agonyau · 12/08/2023 17:53

when you marry someone you become immediate family to each other & both your families, regardless of how close you might be to in-laws. I think it’s churlish of your sister-in-law not to invite you, and can’t see how it isn’t a snub to you (for whatever reason only known to her), especially as she & her children were invited to yours. No point making a drama about it, just chalk up to experience & distance yourself from her - when another important celebration comes up in your life (big birthday?) feel free to not invite her, she might then realise how insensitive she was to you on this occasion - the best revenge is a dish served cold.

Mumof2teens79 · 13/08/2023 07:22

WinchmoreWoes · 12/08/2023 12:11

This is my first thread that I have created. I didn’t want to be accused of drip feeding. I don’t blame people for thinking I have given gratuitous information but I don’t think it is gratuitous. I wanted to give a wider context to this one incident.

DH is a good man who has definitely had my back in the past but he doesn’t see my not being invited to his sister’s small wedding as an occasion for having my back.

My MiL is not obsessed by weddings but wanted her daughter married. I mentioned SiL and BiL’s troubles as I am hypothesising that this is the reason why they are marrying.

DH was told not to tell anyone not just me. She wanted all the details down before she told parents and those who needed to make arrangements.

My MiL was not gloating. she was shocked I didn’t know.

DH has told MiL now about my exclusion and she cried. Apparently SiL has said that if any mention of wedding is made she will withdraw MiL’s invitation so she is scared of addressing it.

SiL totally understands that the guests will tell their partners about wedding to explain their absence on the day. However, they don’t intend to tell anyone even the family they are going on holiday with the following week. They assume that their elder two children might mention it but that will be their choice.

Thank you everyone for responding. In many ways if everyone agreed with me I might have been more upset as my emotions would be validated.

I am ok with hypothetically in our case, couples not being invited to weddings together like a work colleague but to leave a brother’s wife out has upset me. I know people have far worse things to contend with.

I am definitely not adding any more comments as I have said everything.

But your own posts explain perfectly well why SIL wants a very small fuss free wedding.
You then putting your own feelings ahead of hers is incredibly selfish

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 13/08/2023 08:47

Tune in again tomorrow for another episode of "In-LawWoes". 3pm, Channel X, just before Countdown.

Your SIL is a massive drama llama. Does she really have troubles, or are they self inflicted? The 2 are very different.

Sounds to me like she courts drama. She wants to get married. She says she doesn't want a fuss, but so far she has whipped up a secret that has upset a happy couple, kept her mum in the dark, made her mum cry and caused a mini feud with her SIL". Yep, real fuss free.

Some people are like this. The thing to do is not be a walk on part in her drama. Don't be an extra.

This isn't as serious as you think. It's just in-law soap. Pull up a chair, grab some popcorn and enjoy.

The only thing you need to do, is not be a mug, and do things for them form now on. You aren't as important to them as you thought, so downgrade them in your life.

toomuchlaundry · 13/08/2023 09:12

@AbsolutelyCreamCrackered I think it is the MIL and OP who are the drama lamas

Gothambutnotahamster · 13/08/2023 10:19

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 13/08/2023 08:47

Tune in again tomorrow for another episode of "In-LawWoes". 3pm, Channel X, just before Countdown.

Your SIL is a massive drama llama. Does she really have troubles, or are they self inflicted? The 2 are very different.

Sounds to me like she courts drama. She wants to get married. She says she doesn't want a fuss, but so far she has whipped up a secret that has upset a happy couple, kept her mum in the dark, made her mum cry and caused a mini feud with her SIL". Yep, real fuss free.

Some people are like this. The thing to do is not be a walk on part in her drama. Don't be an extra.

This isn't as serious as you think. It's just in-law soap. Pull up a chair, grab some popcorn and enjoy.

The only thing you need to do, is not be a mug, and do things for them form now on. You aren't as important to them as you thought, so downgrade them in your life.

Interesting viewpoint - think I agree with this!

Mumof2teens79 · 13/08/2023 10:39

AbsolutelyCreamCrackered · 13/08/2023 08:47

Tune in again tomorrow for another episode of "In-LawWoes". 3pm, Channel X, just before Countdown.

Your SIL is a massive drama llama. Does she really have troubles, or are they self inflicted? The 2 are very different.

Sounds to me like she courts drama. She wants to get married. She says she doesn't want a fuss, but so far she has whipped up a secret that has upset a happy couple, kept her mum in the dark, made her mum cry and caused a mini feud with her SIL". Yep, real fuss free.

Some people are like this. The thing to do is not be a walk on part in her drama. Don't be an extra.

This isn't as serious as you think. It's just in-law soap. Pull up a chair, grab some popcorn and enjoy.

The only thing you need to do, is not be a mug, and do things for them form now on. You aren't as important to them as you thought, so downgrade them in your life.

We only have OPs version of SIL having a hardtime....for all we know she has just got on with things and never mentions it.

She clearly doesn't want or like lots of attention or people talking about her. If she was a drama queen she would have gone out of her way to tell everyone she was having a quiet wedding but she didn't, she kept it on a need to know basis.

She is not big on weddings, but has realised perhaps through family pressure or just common sense should anything happen, that being married to her partner would be a good thing.

Why should she have to elope? Why can't she just have the very simple ceremony she wants with only her parents and siblings?

To me what she is planning sounds like a perfectly reasonable compromise.

toomuchlaundry · 13/08/2023 10:55

OP posted in her opening post that SIL not being married annoyed and upset the parents. I can imagine they have continually harangued her for not being married, so when she has finally decided to get married, I assume primarily for the legal protection not to appease her mum, she has wanted the simplest fuss free ceremony (and possibly cheapest) Possibly chatted it through with OP’s DH to get his thoughts but didn’t want many people to know to avoid the mum going all crazy mother of the bride

T1Dmama · 16/08/2023 01:17

I’d be really pissed off too!
you had her kids as your flower girls even though they aren’t your family, you made a huge effort to include her and her children… and she can’t even extend an invite to you!
I would expect my husband not to attend without me to be honest.
She can’t have it both ways though, I wouldn’t ask her anything about the wedding, wouldn’t buy a gift or card… nothing… I’d distance myself completely from her, she’s made her feelings very clear and I wouldn’t waste my breath on her. I’d tell hubby that from now on you won’t attend family events as she clearly has issue with you and clearly he’s incapable of standing up for you

T1Dmama · 16/08/2023 01:31

Well having read your update, I wouldn’t take the non invite personally… if she’s threatened to uninvite her own mother then she is just being a bitch! It all sound rather controlling and nasty and if I were you I’d breathe a sigh of relief at not having to go !!
I’d tell hubby you don’t want to be part of it now and don’t want to hear anymore about it.. end of!

Codlingmoths · 16/08/2023 03:01

This is spot on I think. Although your dh is still shit.

autienotnaughti · 16/08/2023 04:09

Yes I would be upset too although it's definitely not personal. They want a very small wedding and no fuss. The way sil spoke to her mum suggests either mil is overbearing or sil is spiky. I wouldn't be bothered dh didn't tell me although I probably would have told him.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 16/08/2023 09:58

This is still going? 🤣

SIL is not being a bitch or being nasty or mean or clearly having an issue with OP.

To me its clear that SIL wants a quick marriage ceremony, probably for legal reasons after all the health scares because if something happens to one of them it's a lot easier to deal with as a married partner than just a cohabiting one. They probably did consider eloping but decided that at least SIL's mom would be deeply offended as she wants SIL married. So she spoke to DH for advise, swearing him to secrecy for now (and well done on him for keeping it) and arranged a small wedding with just the most direct family. Can't remember whether OP said but to me it sounds like MIL found out earlier than she should and went to "playfully" tease DH about him keeping it a secret, she didn't come round to deliberately rub it in OP's face, especially as MIL thinks partners should have been invited. MIL might be lovely but I suspect she has a history with SIL of "I'm not getting involved BUT are you sure you don't want to do X" and SIL doesn't want her interfering with their quickie marriage and making suggestions hence the threat of no invite.

All the "but it's just 5 more people max" well, first of all 5 more people at a wedding with less than 10 people more than doubles the number of attendees, not such a small marriage then. And, if it is financial, 5 more people can be £100+ extra for a meal. Which is a lot of money if you're struggling. Plus you've got a sibling flying over from abroad, if they have children then they'd want the children to be invited because "we can't leave them without us back home and we can't leave them without us at the hotel".

I would be respecting her wishes, not taking it as a deliberate slight (no partners are invited so it's not personal), not being the one who becomes a bitch, cutting family out, ignoring SIL, sulking around, not going to family dos.... You'll only serve to make yourself look stupid and immature and childish.

Some of you have some real problems

jannier · 16/08/2023 10:12

T1Dmama · 16/08/2023 01:17

I’d be really pissed off too!
you had her kids as your flower girls even though they aren’t your family, you made a huge effort to include her and her children… and she can’t even extend an invite to you!
I would expect my husband not to attend without me to be honest.
She can’t have it both ways though, I wouldn’t ask her anything about the wedding, wouldn’t buy a gift or card… nothing… I’d distance myself completely from her, she’s made her feelings very clear and I wouldn’t waste my breath on her. I’d tell hubby that from now on you won’t attend family events as she clearly has issue with you and clearly he’s incapable of standing up for you

Why are the flower girls not her family....well her husband's family? Don't you normally have flower girls from both bride and groom's family?
Do you only invite people to be bridesmaids on the understanding your paid back in kind? Most people only do it for their benefit to look nice in the photos
As none of the others siblings partners are attending why are you so hostile? It's not an attack on the op

T1Dmama · 16/08/2023 10:18

jannier · 16/08/2023 10:12

Why are the flower girls not her family....well her husband's family? Don't you normally have flower girls from both bride and groom's family?
Do you only invite people to be bridesmaids on the understanding your paid back in kind? Most people only do it for their benefit to look nice in the photos
As none of the others siblings partners are attending why are you so hostile? It's not an attack on the op

Show quote history

The flower girls were her husbands family not hers…. It’s lovely she asked them to be part of her wedding and included them…
I said that to demonstrate the fact that OP regarded her SIL & her kids as important enough to include in a major way….. yet SIL doesn’t even think enough of OP to give her an invite to a registry office.
I would feel very left out if this happened to me. I had a bridesmaid at my wedding and wasn’t fussed about not being asked to be hers… so no it’s not about returning the favour…. But I’d have been pretty gutted if I wasn’t even invited to my chief bridesmaid registry office wedding.