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Original poster

To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

267 replies

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

OP posts:
goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 13:11

Yeah you can. You just say you're paying for the birthday boy only

husbandcallsmepickle · 10/08/2023 13:12

Don't pay! Say you can't afford to

Natty13 · 10/08/2023 13:13

When the bill comes you say "can we split it by 3 please and I'll pay for me and him". It's that simple.

DPotter · 10/08/2023 13:14

Just make it clear to BIL before your all arrive at the pub that you'll be paying for DP & yourself and he'll need to pay for himself. Then if he can't afford it, he has the chance to backout

Dixiechickonhols · 10/08/2023 13:15

No you don’t need to pay. Tell Dp now so it’s clear and not awkward. He may want to pay for his brother or needs to tell brother you aren’t paying.
You’ve only invited and agreed to treat your boyfriend.

CleptoCleoCookoo · 10/08/2023 13:18

this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too

But why would you all assume that?

Don't wait until the bill comes AFTER the meal.
Tell everyone up front - do you have the brother's number/communication method to tell him it straight:

"Great you're joining us for the meal tomorrow. You can either bring cash or card for your meal, the restaurant accepts both. For info my birthday treat is covering DH's meal so we'll need to divide it 2/3rd me, 1/3rd you at bill time. See you tomorrow!"

... you need to not just silently accept it. It's not your DP's brother's birthday, so why anyone would think you're going to pay for it is bizarre.

If you'd invited the brother, that might be different. But it's not.

Lkahsvtv · 10/08/2023 13:18

Well yes you can; when DH and I go out for dinner with someone DH and I don’t both get our cards out; we split the bill 3/4/5 ways and one of us pays for both our shares

Lkahsvtv · 10/08/2023 13:18

Don’t make a fuss of the fact that you’re paying for your DP; when the bill comes just tell his brother what he owes

ApolloandDaphne · 10/08/2023 13:19

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your DH invited him and wants him there so I would say you should pay for all three of you. If you can't afford this then say to your DP that as his DB is also coming you would like him to cover some of the meal costs as you hadn't factored in the extra cost. The onus is then on your DP to sort it out.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/08/2023 13:22

Can you message him saying we are going to x pub. You can see the menu and prices in advance on their website. I am obviously paying for dp but if you would like to chip in as part of his bday present let me know!
Love & hugs
@Beetmuffin

TheInterceptor · 10/08/2023 13:22

You treat DP, he treats his brother. Sorted?

continentallentil · 10/08/2023 13:23

DPotter · 10/08/2023 13:14

Just make it clear to BIL before your all arrive at the pub that you'll be paying for DP & yourself and he'll need to pay for himself. Then if he can't afford it, he has the chance to backout

This

and if he can’t, he has the option to join you after for a drink

GabriellaMontez · 10/08/2023 13:26

"That's lovely DP. Who's paying for him? My budget doesn't stretch to 3 of us"

19lottie82 · 10/08/2023 13:26

Hmm hard one. I would say if you invite someone then you have to accept to pay for them. And if BIL has no money, will he be able to afford it?

You need to discuss this with your DP and see what he wants to do. I expect if he wants his (skint) brother to be there then he will have to pay for him, if you can’t / won’t.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 13:30

CleptoCleoCookoo · 10/08/2023 13:18

this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too

But why would you all assume that?

Don't wait until the bill comes AFTER the meal.
Tell everyone up front - do you have the brother's number/communication method to tell him it straight:

"Great you're joining us for the meal tomorrow. You can either bring cash or card for your meal, the restaurant accepts both. For info my birthday treat is covering DH's meal so we'll need to divide it 2/3rd me, 1/3rd you at bill time. See you tomorrow!"

... you need to not just silently accept it. It's not your DP's brother's birthday, so why anyone would think you're going to pay for it is bizarre.

If you'd invited the brother, that might be different. But it's not.

It’s quite condescending to explain that the restaurant accepts both card and cash and that he can bring either.

Flightorflounder · 10/08/2023 13:31

As long as you let him know in advance so he can accept or decline, its fine. I would expect to pay for myself.

orangegato · 10/08/2023 13:31

It’d be a bit shitty of the brother to accept an invitation knowing he’d have to sponge off someone. If he can’t afford it he should say, he’s old enough!

Your DP needs to fix this. It’s not a treat anymore it’s a ball ache.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 13:33

Is your bf actually expecting you to pay? I would find it odd for him to invite someone at your expense, surely he is either expecting the brother to pay for himself or he is planning on paying for his brother. Don’t make it an issue if it isn’t.

Iloveacurry · 10/08/2023 13:34

Your DP should pay for him if he’s invited him?

Backstreets · 10/08/2023 13:37

I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

Uh... why not? It's not the brother's birthday. If your DP wants to treat him that's on him. DP wouldn't invite others on your dime... would he??

TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2023 13:40

Does your DP know you were planning on paying?

Cosyblankets · 10/08/2023 13:42

Here's the bill 150, so that's 100 for us and 50 for you Joe.
Sorted.
Wouldn't occur to me to pay for another adult

Azaeleasinbloom · 10/08/2023 13:42

I am another firmly in the camp of ‘tell your DP’, and agree with him that he pays the additional cost or that he is happy to have the conversation with his brother.
Don’t let this create resentment Op, just talk about it.

Shoxfordian · 10/08/2023 13:44

He should pay for himself so just let him know beforehand

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 13:45

I actually would pay. It's your DPS birthday and he wants his brother there too. If it's your birthday treat to him I would pay

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