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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

267 replies

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

OP posts:
Sunshineclouds11 · 10/08/2023 16:19

I would pay tbh

Sceptre86 · 10/08/2023 16:27

You just tell your fh that you can't stretch to pay for 3 so he either pays for his brother or better yet his brother pays for himself. Its so rude to invite other people when you know you won't be paying.

jlpth · 10/08/2023 16:28

I would pay.

Because if you do not pay for his brother's dinner, your dp will probably pay for it so that his brother doesn't have to. And then it's not much of a birthday treat for dp. Your dp did invite him, it's not like he got foisted onto your evening out by someone else like his mum begging you to take him. Although you could use any of the phrases people have suggested above, it will sour your dp's birthday and I think your dp would pay his brother's share if he doesn't have much money.

MeridianB · 10/08/2023 16:32

Perhaps the brother should be encouraged to pay half the bill with you, so you both treat DP. If not, then agree it's 2/3 and 1/3.

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 16:33

missadvertised · 10/08/2023 15:27

If the DP wants to invite others then why should the OP pay?

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Because it's his birthday and he would like his brother there !

FiftyPenceWorth · 10/08/2023 16:33

'No problem with your brother coming along but I can't afford to pay for all three of us though'.

Unless you can afford to pay and just don't see why you should - which is fair enough, he's 30 not 13. In which case it's 'No problem with your brother coming along, as long as he's paying his share'.

Positive41 · 10/08/2023 16:33

He's 30 years old, he can pay for his own meal.

jlpth · 10/08/2023 16:36

Positive41 · 10/08/2023 16:33

He's 30 years old, he can pay for his own meal.

The OP says that the brother doesn't have a lot of money. If you don't have a lot of money, £50-£60 is surely unaffordable.

Hoppinggreen · 10/08/2023 16:37

jlpth · 10/08/2023 16:36

The OP says that the brother doesn't have a lot of money. If you don't have a lot of money, £50-£60 is surely unaffordable.

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So he can’t go then

FiftyPenceWorth · 10/08/2023 16:38

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 16:33

Because it's his birthday and he would like his brother there !

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That still doesn't explain why it falls to the OP to pay. What if she doesn't have the extra cash? Or doesn't feel like forking out for a 30 year old man who should be paying his own way?

Original poster
Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 16:38

I'm neither strapped for cash or minted, but I earn a reasonable salary and BIL knows it. I'm happy to treat family now and again. My issue is he has form for this, I think he's expecting we'll/I'll take pity on him and pay. His parents still pay for some of his expenses and pay for a lot of other stuff for him. I think he's accustomed to it. Half of me can't be arsed with the awkwardness of asking him to pay at the pub. DP won't expect me to pay for BIL, he won't even have thought of it.

Eg. He often comes over on weekends when we're ordering a takeaway. We always end up paying for his. It seems a bit dickish to send him a Monzo request for a tenner or so, and it's now become a regular thing.

OP posts:
Batalax · 10/08/2023 16:40

Have the discussion with dp asap. Then he can sort if he pays or db does.

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:40

If I invited my brother out for dinner for my birthday and there was just three of us there’s no way I would expect him to pay and if my DH told my brother anything to the contrary especially when it’s my birthday I would be annoyed. The same thing applies to DHs brother, it’s not for me to tell him, DH will tell him if needed but again if there’s only three of us and we invited him for a birthday meal we’d pay no question. I swear everyone hates the families they married into on MN.

MeridianB · 10/08/2023 16:41

Eg. He often comes over on weekends when we're ordering a takeaway. We always end up paying for his. It seems a bit dickish to send him a Monzo request for a tenner or so, and it's now become a regular thing.

'Oh, hi again BIL. Happy Friday! Must be your turn to treat us [after we've paid for the last 20 weeks] hey?'

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 16:42

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:40

If I invited my brother out for dinner for my birthday and there was just three of us there’s no way I would expect him to pay and if my DH told my brother anything to the contrary especially when it’s my birthday I would be annoyed. The same thing applies to DHs brother, it’s not for me to tell him, DH will tell him if needed but again if there’s only three of us and we invited him for a birthday meal we’d pay no question. I swear everyone hates the families they married into on MN.

You can’t dictate your partner pay for your sibling, FFS.

MeridianB · 10/08/2023 16:42

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:40

If I invited my brother out for dinner for my birthday and there was just three of us there’s no way I would expect him to pay and if my DH told my brother anything to the contrary especially when it’s my birthday I would be annoyed. The same thing applies to DHs brother, it’s not for me to tell him, DH will tell him if needed but again if there’s only three of us and we invited him for a birthday meal we’d pay no question. I swear everyone hates the families they married into on MN.

But presumably your DB is not a grabby man-baby who is still being subsidised by his parents and takes every opportunity to be paid for?

Hoppinggreen · 10/08/2023 16:44

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:40

If I invited my brother out for dinner for my birthday and there was just three of us there’s no way I would expect him to pay and if my DH told my brother anything to the contrary especially when it’s my birthday I would be annoyed. The same thing applies to DHs brother, it’s not for me to tell him, DH will tell him if needed but again if there’s only three of us and we invited him for a birthday meal we’d pay no question. I swear everyone hates the families they married into on MN.

OP invited her DP as a Birthday treat, he then invited his brother.
Not on, even if he’s paying.
If OP wanted to invite The Brother she would have

Shinyandnew1 · 10/08/2023 16:46

DP won't expect me to pay for BIL, he won't even have thought of it.

Surely you can speak to your partner now and say you were paying for the meal for two, but who’s paying for his brother?

Tinkerbyebye · 10/08/2023 16:49

Yes you can. In fact I would contact the brother and say great you are coming, we can split dhs meal between us as a birthday present and then each pay for ourselves

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:50

MeridianB · 10/08/2023 16:42

But presumably your DB is not a grabby man-baby who is still being subsidised by his parents and takes every opportunity to be paid for?

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Very true.

6WeekCountdown · 10/08/2023 16:50

Why would he invite his brother in the first place? Of course you aren't paying for his brother, why would you? If he must come along I'd send a text just saying I'm going to cover my boyfriend's meal, if you'd like to join you are welcome to but you'll have to cover your own meal and drinks. OR if you don't want him to show up say "let's split it 50/50 and get birthday boy's meal between us". I just can't get my head around why you'd be covering another adults meal when they are a tag along. Be more assertive!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 16:51

ApolloandDaphne · 10/08/2023 13:19

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your DH invited him and wants him there so I would say you should pay for all three of you. If you can't afford this then say to your DP that as his DB is also coming you would like him to cover some of the meal costs as you hadn't factored in the extra cost. The onus is then on your DP to sort it out.

I agree. It's pretty tight to not host him. And to spring a bill on him at the end of the meal is obnoxious.

If you don't plan to pay, at least be up front about it.

ScribblingPixie · 10/08/2023 16:53

ApolloandDaphne · 10/08/2023 13:19

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your DH invited him and wants him there so I would say you should pay for all three of you. If you can't afford this then say to your DP that as his DB is also coming you would like him to cover some of the meal costs as you hadn't factored in the extra cost. The onus is then on your DP to sort it out.

Completely agree. It's not fair for the brother to be invited along then hit with a bill. Your DH needs to cover him if you don't want to.

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:54

Hoppinggreen · 10/08/2023 16:44

OP invited her DP as a Birthday treat, he then invited his brother.
Not on, even if he’s paying.
If OP wanted to invite The Brother she would have

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Maybe the difference is that even though we’ve been married 28 years and don’t have a joint account we see it as ‘our’ money regardless of whether me or DH picks up the bill.

guzzleandstuff · 10/08/2023 16:54

The brother was invited. He didn't choose the restaurant. It's expensive - he was invited by DP to share a birthday meal. If I were he, I'd not expect to pay, (different if it's a crowd of mates and you can drop in or out. He's the only guest!)
DP invited his brother - he's not expecting to pay himself so I doubt he's expecting his brother to pay.
I think you should pay- or sort it out with DP