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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

267 replies

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

OP posts:
BlackOps · 10/08/2023 14:16

If any of my sibling's partners sent some of the patronising messages suggested above I'd think they'd gone weird

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 14:17

JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2023 14:09

I guess it depends on your own norms, but if I went for a lunch for three to celebrate one birthday I'd fully expect to be paying half the bill. Regardless of who did the inviting.

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I might offer to pay for someone on their birthday but would be a put out if they invited me, choose the place and then expected that I was paying for them.

JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2023 14:17

BlackOps · 10/08/2023 14:16

If any of my sibling's partners sent some of the patronising messages suggested above I'd think they'd gone weird

Exactly.

goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 14:18

CleptoCleoCookoo · 10/08/2023 13:18

this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too

But why would you all assume that?

Don't wait until the bill comes AFTER the meal.
Tell everyone up front - do you have the brother's number/communication method to tell him it straight:

"Great you're joining us for the meal tomorrow. You can either bring cash or card for your meal, the restaurant accepts both. For info my birthday treat is covering DH's meal so we'll need to divide it 2/3rd me, 1/3rd you at bill time. See you tomorrow!"

... you need to not just silently accept it. It's not your DP's brother's birthday, so why anyone would think you're going to pay for it is bizarre.

If you'd invited the brother, that might be different. But it's not.

He's not thick. That is a ridiculously patronising message

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/08/2023 14:20

TheInterceptor · 10/08/2023 13:22

You treat DP, he treats his brother. Sorted?

This. DP invited him. DP can pay for him.

Silvers11 · 10/08/2023 14:21

ApolloandDaphne · 10/08/2023 13:19

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your DH invited him and wants him there so I would say you should pay for all three of you. If you can't afford this then say to your DP that as his DB is also coming you would like him to cover some of the meal costs as you hadn't factored in the extra cost. The onus is then on your DP to sort it out.

Totally agree with this! Just speak to your DP and say that you can't afford to pay for his brother as well - and ask him to either reimburse you for his brother's share or get him to make sure the brother knows the score?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 14:21

goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 14:18

He's not thick. That is a ridiculously patronising message

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Couldn’t agree more, I think if I received that message I wouldn’t be going anymore. Maybe giving someone a heads up if it’s cash only giving that’s unusual is fair enough but explaining how payment generally works in restaurants is very weird.

Florissante · 10/08/2023 14:23

TheInterceptor · 10/08/2023 13:22

You treat DP, he treats his brother. Sorted?

That's the best option. Not a great one as the situation is awkward, but the best.

gamerchick · 10/08/2023 14:26

I don't see the issue. I also know poor mes who everyone indulges and bankrolls. Tell your bloke that you're not paying for his brother and he'll have to (I know also he won't dream of making brother pay) or sack the whole thing off. Don't just silently seethe.

Or ask brother if he wants to go halves to treat husband and the problem might solve itself if he knows he has to fork out.

Fizzology · 10/08/2023 14:27

GabriellaMontez · 10/08/2023 13:26

"That's lovely DP. Who's paying for him? My budget doesn't stretch to 3 of us"

Do this. DP invited him. He can sort the payment question.

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 14:28

Your DP has changed the goalposts. Tell him it was a treat for him, not his brother, and that he and DB can go alone and you'll arrange another dinner just you and him.

DiabolicalFinial · 10/08/2023 14:29

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 14:21

Couldn’t agree more, I think if I received that message I wouldn’t be going anymore. Maybe giving someone a heads up if it’s cash only giving that’s unusual is fair enough but explaining how payment generally works in restaurants is very weird.

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But it isn’t about explaining how payment generally works in restaurants, really - it’s a round-about way of telling the brother that he has to have the money to pay for his own.
So instead of saying to the brother “DP said you are joining us for dinner at the pub, please be aware you need to pay for yourself”, they are trying to be less blunt and use the card/cash explanation to convey the same meaning.
I assumed from the OP that the brother’s family tends to cover/pay/excuse for him, so he would expect that someone else would cover his costs.

Cowlover89 · 10/08/2023 14:33

Yanbu

1stTimeMummy2021 · 10/08/2023 14:34

@Beetmuffin Normally shouldn't the person whose Birthday it is not pay and the cost be split amongst the other guests, so you and the brother split it, problem solved.

spicychickennoodle · 10/08/2023 14:39

1stTimeMummy2021 · 10/08/2023 14:34

@Beetmuffin Normally shouldn't the person whose Birthday it is not pay and the cost be split amongst the other guests, so you and the brother split it, problem solved.

Yes, this is the obvious and fair way to do it.

If your dp invited his 30-year old brother, your dp would be extremely rude if he expected you to pay for him as well. I could not be with someone like that tbh.

CheshireCat1 · 10/08/2023 14:40

Before you go just tell your partner that you don’t want to pay for his brother.

Sarvanga38 · 10/08/2023 14:49

So many variables here - is it a long-term partner where finances are completely meshed, a some-time boyfriend with entirely separate finances, or somewhere in between?

Is the OP actually talking about paying for the mail from her own separate bank account, or a joint account? If a joint account that the DP at least equally contributes to, is it not a perfectly rational thing for him to want to sub a skint brother, as long as money is not tight?

Either way - talk to your partner and work out how the land lies to agree a way forward. Certainly don't send any of the patronising 'secret code' messages.

clpsmum · 10/08/2023 14:50

I would pay tbh

goodbyestranger · 10/08/2023 14:51

I'd just pay. Especially if the brother isn't that flush with friends or money.

Flakey99 · 10/08/2023 14:51

Usually, if you invite someone to a birthday event, the assumption is that the person hosting/inviting pays for the guests unless they expressly make it clear that the invitation is simply to join them but they’ll be expected to cover their own costs.

You don’t have to pay for the brother if you don’t want to, but you need to make that crystal clear before he sets off.

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 14:53

happinessischocolate · 10/08/2023 13:51

Would you still think this if he had 5 brothers and had invited them all?

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But he hasn't has he? And yes if it was birthday treat I would (and have paid) for guests

KittensAllOverTheCarpetAndSofa · 10/08/2023 14:54

I would pay, I couldn’t put someone in an awful position like that after being invited.

At least tell him in advance so he can decide if he he comes or not.
As DH invited him he obviously wants him there, maybe ask him if he’s paying for him.

Gassylady · 10/08/2023 14:54

@Maddy70 what if the birthday boy invites three brothers should there be no limit to the OPs generosity?

MiddleParking · 10/08/2023 14:56

Sorry but birthday or no birthday, no way on God’s good earth would I sit and pay for mine and my boyfriend’s meal while he then paid for another adult’s for no good reason, how weird. If it’s his gig to invite extra people to, he can pay for everyone and I’d treat him another night. If it’s not his gig, if it’s my birthday treat to him, then it would be a flat no to his brother coming. Me and my sister (who is single although not short on money or friends) are about as close as two people can be and I wouldn’t dream of inviting her to my husband taking me out for my birthday.

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 10/08/2023 14:59

I would pay for the brother if you can afford it - I suspect your DP would appreciate that as much as he would appreciate you paying for him. However, if you would struggle to afford it, I would either choose a cheaper venue (and pay for everyone). Then your DP gets the night he wants (with his brother included) but you don't have to stress yourself financially.