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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

267 replies

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

OP posts:
Ilovetea33 · 10/08/2023 15:02

I would be mightily miffed if I arranged a romantic birthday dinner for my partner and he invited his brother to come along. Why would he even do that?

HollieHobbie · 10/08/2023 15:09

ApolloandDaphne · 10/08/2023 13:19

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your DH invited him and wants him there so I would say you should pay for all three of you. If you can't afford this then say to your DP that as his DB is also coming you would like him to cover some of the meal costs as you hadn't factored in the extra cost. The onus is then on your DP to sort it out.

Totally agree. Your DP invited him so the inference is that he's your guest.

Did your DP run it by you before inviting him? Or just a fait accompli?

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/08/2023 15:11

Why not?

Tell him and your DP you are treating your husband as it's his birthday, anyone else is paying for themselves.

Swanswimming · 10/08/2023 15:11

YABU because of course you can.

whynotwhatknot · 10/08/2023 15:13

did youur dp know you would be paying for him-if so i think it was cheeky to invite him without asking you first

ActDottie · 10/08/2023 15:16

Can you pay for all three but then get your DP to transfer you money for his brother?

Seaweed42 · 10/08/2023 15:17

I'd say something like 'I wasn't planning on buying 3 dinners though...you might chip in for DB's dinner?'
Is it just the two of you going or are others going as well.

Cornishclio · 10/08/2023 15:22

You didn't invite him so you don't have to pay for him and make sure your DP knows that. Bit cheeky to ask him when it was your treat but maybe as it is his birthday he wanted him there. No reason why you have to cover his share though. When bill comes just tell them you are splitting it and if your DP says he will pay for his brother then let him. I always make it clear when we are paying.

roarrfeckingroar · 10/08/2023 15:24

Seems a bit mean. I would pay.

Newestname002 · 10/08/2023 15:24

Your DP invited him so the inference is that he's your guest.

Actually as OP didn't invite the brother nor, as it appears, there was an agreement with her partner that the brother would be attending and OP would pay for everyone the brother is not her guest.

Perhaps OP you should discuss this with your partner and ask him if he realised the evening was a romantic 1:1 birthday meal or if he'd prefer to dine with his brother now and you arrange your date for when you two can be alone. 🌹

Mythicalcreatures · 10/08/2023 15:27

You need to speak with your dp, let him know that you can pay for him and yourself but not his brother. If your dp wants to pay for his brother that's fine and his choice.

missadvertised · 10/08/2023 15:27

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 13:45

I actually would pay. It's your DPS birthday and he wants his brother there too. If it's your birthday treat to him I would pay

If the DP wants to invite others then why should the OP pay?

CinnamonJellyBeans · 10/08/2023 15:33

If you can afford a meal out, you can afford to treat your poor relation too.

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 15:35

CinnamonJellyBeans · 10/08/2023 15:33

If you can afford a meal out, you can afford to treat your poor relation too.

He's not her relation though. I can afford a meal out does that mean I need to pay for my DP's every relative?!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 15:36

CinnamonJellyBeans · 10/08/2023 15:33

If you can afford a meal out, you can afford to treat your poor relation too.

How does that work? If you £120 for a meal that doesn’t mean you suddenly have £180 to spend on it instead. Realistically the op does have the money but it doesn’t mean this is what she wants or should spend it on and potentially will have to miss out on something else in return.
He is also not her relation and why shouldn’t he pay for himself.

Hoppinggreen · 10/08/2023 15:39

I would be quite pissed off anyway if I offered to take someone out for a Birthday treat and they invited someone else - I would be furious if I was expected to pay for the extra person as well

GingerIsBest · 10/08/2023 15:42

This is for your DP to sort. every family will have different expectations. In mine, there would be no expectation that BIL would be getting paid for, but others might be different. So just make sure your DP knows you're happy to have him along but you're only paying for 2 meals.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 10/08/2023 15:43

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 It's a pub. There's nothing a pub makes that you cannot make yourself at home or ping from the microwave. No ambience. no haute cuisine. Just a wooden bench, ketchup in sachets and Hunter's chicken.

If you can afford to waste money, you can afford to waste a little more.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 10/08/2023 15:45

Dp invited him, either the bro pays for himself or your dp does. Not sure why he invited him if it’s just you two on a date 🥴

mondaytosunday · 10/08/2023 15:50

@CinnamonJellyBeans you haven't been to the pubs round me! They are closer to restaurants than the kind you describe, and charge as such. If OP is expecting to pay £60/ head i imagine it's better than what you describe.
How did your husband ask his brother? 'Would you like to join us to celebrate my birthday' sounds like he will be paid for. 'We are going to the pub for a birthday dinner if you'd like to come along' sounds more like he should expect to pay for himself.
I'd do as suggested upthread. Your husband invited, he needs to either pay for his brother or make it clear he has to pay for himself. I think it's a bit mean, knowing that the guy doesn't have much money, to spring it on him when the bill comes.

OMG12 · 10/08/2023 15:58

I’d contact BIL and ask him whether he wants to chip in for yours DPs birthday as you had planned to treat DP as part of his birthday present, but if BIL couldn’t afford to chip in for his brother and only pay for himself that’s fine.

azlazee1 · 10/08/2023 16:03

Your husband invited him. Is he not a guest?? Pay for the dinner, it's a celebration! Why end the night with an awkward situation.

SunnyFrost · 10/08/2023 16:08

‘Hi BiL, really glad to hear you’re joining us for dinner tomorrow! I’d planned to treat DP for his birthday so just wanted to check if you were planning the same and wanted to go halves? Totally fine if not and we can split 2/3 to me for his gift and 1/3 to you but I wanted to check beforehand so we’re not making DP feel awkward by discussing the bill on the night! Knowing him he’d end up paying for us all and that’s the last thing we want on his birthday!’

SunnyFrost · 10/08/2023 16:10

OMG12 · 10/08/2023 15:58

I’d contact BIL and ask him whether he wants to chip in for yours DPs birthday as you had planned to treat DP as part of his birthday present, but if BIL couldn’t afford to chip in for his brother and only pay for himself that’s fine.

Yes! This is what I was trying to suggest in my message above. Should be able to do it that way without embarrassing him and saying something really rude and too direct along the lines of ‘just so you know, I won’t be paying for you’. That’s just cringe.

WongWifi · 10/08/2023 16:18

ApolloandDaphne · 10/08/2023 13:19

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your DH invited him and wants him there so I would say you should pay for all three of you. If you can't afford this then say to your DP that as his DB is also coming you would like him to cover some of the meal costs as you hadn't factored in the extra cost. The onus is then on your DP to sort it out.

I agree with this entirely. It's not really nice to just ask him to pay when he's been invited. However, in future on another birthday occasion, maybe suggest to your DP's brother that you both split the cost of your DP's meal.