Page 6 | To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

Beetmuffin · 2023-08-10T12:10:41+00:00

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him. I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 16:55

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 16:51

I agree. It's pretty tight to not host him. And to spring a bill on him at the end of the meal is obnoxious.

If you don't plan to pay, at least be up front about it.

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How is it tight to refuse to bankroll a feckless twat?

ItsNotRocketSalad · 10/08/2023 16:56

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 16:38

I'm neither strapped for cash or minted, but I earn a reasonable salary and BIL knows it. I'm happy to treat family now and again. My issue is he has form for this, I think he's expecting we'll/I'll take pity on him and pay. His parents still pay for some of his expenses and pay for a lot of other stuff for him. I think he's accustomed to it. Half of me can't be arsed with the awkwardness of asking him to pay at the pub. DP won't expect me to pay for BIL, he won't even have thought of it.

Eg. He often comes over on weekends when we're ordering a takeaway. We always end up paying for his. It seems a bit dickish to send him a Monzo request for a tenner or so, and it's now become a regular thing.

Well you have to choose: ask him to pay or keep paying for him. You can't have both.

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 16:56

guzzleandstuff · 10/08/2023 16:54

The brother was invited. He didn't choose the restaurant. It's expensive - he was invited by DP to share a birthday meal. If I were he, I'd not expect to pay, (different if it's a crowd of mates and you can drop in or out. He's the only guest!)
DP invited his brother - he's not expecting to pay himself so I doubt he's expecting his brother to pay.
I think you should pay- or sort it out with DP

If you don’t expect to pay then you are also wrong.

Of course you should plan to pay.

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:57

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 16:42

You can’t dictate your partner pay for your sibling, FFS.

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I wouldn’t dictate anything, we’re both generous with family.

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 16:57

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:57

I wouldn’t dictate anything, we’re both generous with family.

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So your situation is irrelevant to OP, why are you conflating the two?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2023 16:58

WongWifi · 10/08/2023 16:18

I agree with this entirely. It's not really nice to just ask him to pay when he's been invited. However, in future on another birthday occasion, maybe suggest to your DP's brother that you both split the cost of your DP's meal.

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Yes, OP's partner has invited his brother. That means that OP's partner pays. If OP is treating her partner then she pays for his meal. How awkward! No, you can't ask the brother to pay - he has been invited.

If it were me, I would pay for the meals, it will just be excruciating otherwise. Messy!

BCBird · 10/08/2023 17:00

Tell ur DP you are paying for you two. If he wants to pay for his brother he can give you the money if u pay for all 3 up.front, with one of you saying, 'we'll get this' or he tells his brother he got to pay for himself

guzzleandstuff · 10/08/2023 17:00

If I invite someone I expect to pay - that's what invite means. If you discuss doing something together that you are both/ all equally participating and choosing - then that's not an invitation. That's different. And it puts DP in an awkward position, although he should clearly have checked with his partner first - but he has to uninvite his brother now - or cover the cost himself.

Hoppinggreen · 10/08/2023 17:03

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 16:54

Maybe the difference is that even though we’ve been married 28 years and don’t have a joint account we see it as ‘our’ money regardless of whether me or DH picks up the bill.

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I see your point but it sounds like there are no joint finances here so some people are suggesting OP pay for someone she didn’t invite

misssunshine4040 · 10/08/2023 17:09

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 13:45

I actually would pay. It's your DPS birthday and he wants his brother there too. If it's your birthday treat to him I would pay

Same, I would pay as I would see it as part of DP's birthday.
I'm a soft touch and if it's a one off I wouldn't mind. The rest of his family seem happy enough to pay for him so they can carry on doing so but I wouldn't do it again

Yellowflower47 · 10/08/2023 17:11

He should pay. I would never in a million years go to ANY meal, birthday or otherwise and not expect to pay for myself (and DH and DD if they come along). I went to a family member’s big birthday meal with 25 others at the weekend. Our bill alone was £120. Why would it be expected that this is paid for me?!

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 17:11

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 16:57

So your situation is irrelevant to OP, why are you conflating the two?

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The OP asked for opinions on whether they should pay for their partner’s brother. My opinion is that she should. Why she’s not having this conversation with her DP or his brother is possibly because she knows that there’s an expectation to pay and if she doesn’t then she might look like the villain.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 10/08/2023 17:16

I think you are giving him too much status by calling him your bil; he isn't, he is your boyfriend's brother. You aren't his sil, you are his brother's girlfriend and you don't have to pay for him. Your bp is a cheeky bugger by inviting him along, his brother is a cf by third wheeling.

Florissante · 10/08/2023 17:30

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 10/08/2023 17:16

I think you are giving him too much status by calling him your bil; he isn't, he is your boyfriend's brother. You aren't his sil, you are his brother's girlfriend and you don't have to pay for him. Your bp is a cheeky bugger by inviting him along, his brother is a cf by third wheeling.

How do you know the OP's marital status? They use the term partner, which is ambiguous.

Ididntknowuntiliknew · 10/08/2023 17:31

CinnamonJellyBeans · 10/08/2023 15:43

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 It's a pub. There's nothing a pub makes that you cannot make yourself at home or ping from the microwave. No ambience. no haute cuisine. Just a wooden bench, ketchup in sachets and Hunter's chicken.

If you can afford to waste money, you can afford to waste a little more.

That's an incredibly ridiculous comment.

We were staying at The Windmill in Clapham last weekend. Not a stealth boast of any kind - it's a pub with a nice menu.

Go through that menu, and tell me how much you could whizz up in a microwave....

People with plenty of money often assume that everyone can just dig a bit deeper.
It's incredibly insensitive, and you have completely missed the point.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/08/2023 17:32

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 10/08/2023 17:16

I think you are giving him too much status by calling him your bil; he isn't, he is your boyfriend's brother. You aren't his sil, you are his brother's girlfriend and you don't have to pay for him. Your bp is a cheeky bugger by inviting him along, his brother is a cf by third wheeling.

I don't disagree with this really. Marriage doesn't confer status but it does clear up the relationships involved.

In this instance, it's difficult as some people use very familial terms within a week or so and it skews the circumstances. What doesn't change though is invitation - you invite, you pay.

thinkfast · 10/08/2023 17:33

Text the brother yourself!

"Glad to learn you're joining us for dinner tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you. I think it will make sense to divide the total bill by 3 and I'll pay 2/3 as I wanted to treat DH for his birthday. I'm happy for you to just pay your 1/3 share, but if you'd like to chip in for DH as well that's fine too x"

NeedToChangeName · 10/08/2023 17:38

If the usual routine is that older family members pay for the BIL, it's difficult to change that. What does your DP want to do?

Cosyblankets · 10/08/2023 17:53

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 16:38

I'm neither strapped for cash or minted, but I earn a reasonable salary and BIL knows it. I'm happy to treat family now and again. My issue is he has form for this, I think he's expecting we'll/I'll take pity on him and pay. His parents still pay for some of his expenses and pay for a lot of other stuff for him. I think he's accustomed to it. Half of me can't be arsed with the awkwardness of asking him to pay at the pub. DP won't expect me to pay for BIL, he won't even have thought of it.

Eg. He often comes over on weekends when we're ordering a takeaway. We always end up paying for his. It seems a bit dickish to send him a Monzo request for a tenner or so, and it's now become a regular thing.

This isn't just about the birthday then
This is ridiculous. He's a fully grown adult and if his parents or other family are paying any of his expenses he is living beyond his means. He needs to grow up.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 18:00

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 16:55

How is it tight to refuse to bankroll a feckless twat?

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Why is he feckless?

The OP's digs about him being single, not having many friends and immature are obnoxious, mean-spirited and don't reflect well on her.

Clearly he is loved by his family, and they want to help him. His brother loves him and invited him to a birthday celebration. And OP wants to spoil it by being cheap and petty.

It's really zero of her business whether or not family members help him financially or in any other way.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 18:02

misssunshine4040 · 10/08/2023 17:09

Same, I would pay as I would see it as part of DP's birthday.
I'm a soft touch and if it's a one off I wouldn't mind. The rest of his family seem happy enough to pay for him so they can carry on doing so but I wouldn't do it again

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Not everyone lives like this, though. In my family and friends circle, whoever does the inviting/organizing pays.

Not everyone is skint and some of us actually enjoy treating others to decent hospitality.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/08/2023 18:06

Everyone is treating this man like a boy. He will never learn to be a man this way. Send him a message and say oh by the way I'm treating my husband because it's his birthday but you will have to pay for yourself. I do think you have to spell it out like that for him. And next time he turns up for the takeaway ask him what he wants and say that's £10. He's been treated like a 15-year-old schoolboy.

spicychickennoodle · 10/08/2023 19:00

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 18:00

Why is he feckless?

The OP's digs about him being single, not having many friends and immature are obnoxious, mean-spirited and don't reflect well on her.

Clearly he is loved by his family, and they want to help him. His brother loves him and invited him to a birthday celebration. And OP wants to spoil it by being cheap and petty.

It's really zero of her business whether or not family members help him financially or in any other way.

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Doesn’t mean she has to though.

honeylulu · 10/08/2023 19:34

You need to raise it with DP before you go. He's created the problem by inviting an extra person along that you were treating him to. I get that he won't have thought about the bill (my husband is similar) but all the more reason to raise it now. Say I'm paying for you and me as a birthday treat for you but you need to let your brother know he's paying for himself. Or if it works for you say tell you what why don't you go for this birthday meal with your brother and ill take you somewhere else the next night for your test, just us.

honeylulu · 10/08/2023 19:37

Aaargh typos above sorry!
Can't believe people are calling OP cheap and mean. She's not the freeloader here!