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Original poster

To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

267 replies

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 10/08/2023 13:45

Of course you can. I'd text him and say 'Hi bil, we are planning on splitting bill 3 way tom night'

JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2023 13:45

If it's just the three of you, you could say "Well BIL, will we just split DH's?".

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 13:47

JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2023 13:45

If it's just the three of you, you could say "Well BIL, will we just split DH's?".

But cheeky to invite someone and then have them pay for you, even if it does come from the girlfriend rather than the invitee. Just let him pay his own

TempName247 · 10/08/2023 13:49

‘BIL, I’m treating DH for the meal for his birthday, let me know if you would like to contribute or just pay for your own if you’ve already sorted his gift’

happinessischocolate · 10/08/2023 13:51

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 13:45

I actually would pay. It's your DPS birthday and he wants his brother there too. If it's your birthday treat to him I would pay

Would you still think this if he had 5 brothers and had invited them all?

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 10/08/2023 13:53

Why not ask db to split it to treat dh?

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/08/2023 13:54

ApolloandDaphne · 10/08/2023 13:19

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your DH invited him and wants him there so I would say you should pay for all three of you. If you can't afford this then say to your DP that as his DB is also coming you would like him to cover some of the meal costs as you hadn't factored in the extra cost. The onus is then on your DP to sort it out.

If anyone invites me to join them for a meal out it wouldn't even occur to me that they were offering to pay.

Do people really do this? Just assume?

I just get my card out at the end of the meal and pay my share (I have occasionally been told to put it away)

MottledPie · 10/08/2023 13:55

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

If you can afford it I would pay for the brother.

However, I think it also depends how serious your relationship with dp is as in do you consider his family as your family? If yes, then I would pay for him

Clefable · 10/08/2023 13:55

I think this is for DP to solve, really. I kind of have sympathy for him because DH's brother is a bit like this, lovely, lovely guy but one of those people who has never really found a niche in life and goes from badly paid job to badly paid job with times in between where he is totally skint, and DH and I always help him out when we can. They lost their parents young and DH feels quite responsible for looking after him, I think, so I don't begrudge it - we are fortunate to be able to help. But if DP knows that his brother can't/won't pay, then it was a bit thoughtless to invite him with the assumption you would pay.

I'd just ask him frankly and say 'Look, I hadn't budgeted to pay for Bob, would love him to come but are you able to cover it or can he manage to pay for himself?'

Cosyblankets · 10/08/2023 13:55

Maddy70 · 10/08/2023 13:45

I actually would pay. It's your DPS birthday and he wants his brother there too. If it's your birthday treat to him I would pay

Maybe she can't just magic another 50 quid out of thin air.
I'd be embarrassed if someone thought i couldn't pay my way

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/08/2023 13:56

CleptoCleoCookoo · 10/08/2023 13:18

this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too

But why would you all assume that?

Don't wait until the bill comes AFTER the meal.
Tell everyone up front - do you have the brother's number/communication method to tell him it straight:

"Great you're joining us for the meal tomorrow. You can either bring cash or card for your meal, the restaurant accepts both. For info my birthday treat is covering DH's meal so we'll need to divide it 2/3rd me, 1/3rd you at bill time. See you tomorrow!"

... you need to not just silently accept it. It's not your DP's brother's birthday, so why anyone would think you're going to pay for it is bizarre.

If you'd invited the brother, that might be different. But it's not.

@CleptoCleoCookoo’s is the perfect approach, imo, @Beetmuffin.

Mummumgem · 10/08/2023 13:57

I would be open and honest to you dp, explain that you have budgeted to spoil him for his birthday and hadn’t taken into account paying for 3, perhaps dp could chip in or cover the cost. Tbh I would miffed if put into that situation, I don’t like being taken for granted

AdoraBell · 10/08/2023 13:59

YANBU just say you can afford to pay for 3 people.

Mix56 · 10/08/2023 14:00

"Hi BIL, lovely that you are free to come & celebrate yr Bs birthday meal, Just so there's no misunderstanding, I am only paying for him as bday treat."

billy1966 · 10/08/2023 14:00

Your partner is a bit of a CF to do that.

Clarify the situation with your partner.

I wouldn't be impressed.

I think he was rude to do this.

CloverHilla · 10/08/2023 14:03

Who exactly is going to dinner? If it was just the 2 of you and now it's 3 I would be mighty pissed off that my "romantic birthday treat" is no longer that. In which case, tell brother he can't come, but he can come another time.
If that's not possible make sure he knows in advance the bill will be spilt in 3 and you're paying for your dp as a birthday treat.

Blancc · 10/08/2023 14:04

Ask BIL if he thinks it would be a nice idea to go halves on the whole bill, i.e split DH's share between the two of you, as it's his birthday.

Sparkletastic · 10/08/2023 14:06

'Hey DP - since it's going to be 3 of us for dinner let's pay for ourselves and I'll treat you another time'

StarPotential · 10/08/2023 14:07

If you can afford I would pay as it’s a birthday and he was invited.

CherryMaDeara · 10/08/2023 14:08

StarPotential · 10/08/2023 14:07

If you can afford I would pay as it’s a birthday and he was invited.

It’s not the brother’s birthday, he doesn’t get a free meal. So many people excusing spongers.

DinnaeFashYersel · 10/08/2023 14:08

Tell brother in advance how much it will be so he knows.

JenniferBarkley · 10/08/2023 14:09

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 13:47

But cheeky to invite someone and then have them pay for you, even if it does come from the girlfriend rather than the invitee. Just let him pay his own

Show quote history

I guess it depends on your own norms, but if I went for a lunch for three to celebrate one birthday I'd fully expect to be paying half the bill. Regardless of who did the inviting.

Clefable · 10/08/2023 14:10

I wouldn't start setting traps or springing things like 'let's split DP's meal between us both too!' on the night. It might be embarrassing for both DP and his brother, especially if his brother is actually unable to afford it for whatever reason.

Your DP has invited him so needs to ascertain what the expectation is re: payment, not you. If his brother can't afford it, then either he doesn't come or (more likely) your partner covers him.

itsmylife7 · 10/08/2023 14:11

You pay for birthday boy and you, birthday boy pays for his brother, as he invited him along.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 10/08/2023 14:12

DinnaeFashYersel · 10/08/2023 14:08

Tell brother in advance how much it will be so he knows.

Presumably he knows where they are going so can look up the menu and see prices himself.