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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?

197 replies

Allsweep · 09/08/2023 15:01

This week:

My SIL posting endlessly on FB about the amazing week she is having with my BIL while her mum looks after her 5 year old and 2 year old

Childfree destination wedding coming up where three of my friends are arranging to leave their kids with their parents so they can come with their partners while I have to decide if I want to go on my own or not at all.

We are currently on holiday with my parents - yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary but no offer to babysit. Tomorrow is my birthday... Ditto.

My parents just want the nice bits of grandparenting and can't be bothered with the kids when they get difficult. They aren't awfully behaved children, just normal 6 and 4 year olds. My in laws are overseas and prioritise their daughter's kids anyway.

I know I'm not owed anything but it feels like everyone else has family support sometimes.

OP posts:
Sabrinasummersamples · 09/08/2023 15:04

Yep I understand completely. My family are pretty similar, although they do babysit for the evening on mine or DH"s birthday. That's it for the year though.
But actually I'd disagree that your parents don't "owe" you anything. You're on holiday with them and they won't even look after the kids so you can go out for dinner for your 10th wedding anniversary?? Sorry but they sound like dicks to me. I personally wouldnt want to go on holiday with them again after that

Belizenavidad · 09/08/2023 15:06

It sounds more like you want your parents to want to have your kids if that makes sense, im very lucky my parents enjoy having my children and often ask if they can have them and they do babysit if I need them too. It would make me sad if they didn’t want to plus everyone body needs a break sometimes. Just ask your parents outright if they will have the kids maybe? Of course as you have mentioned you’re not owed anything but they are your parents if they are able they should be happy to help. Could your brother and SIL not be able to have the kids for a few days whilst you go to the wedding?

TeenDivided · 09/08/2023 15:07

Just checking the obvious - did you actually ask them to babysit?
As in - if we get the kids into bed for 7:30, would you be willing to babysit so DH and I can go out for a meal together.

Youdoyoutoday · 09/08/2023 15:09

You make it sound as if you haven't actually asked them to baby sit!

Trumbone · 09/08/2023 15:10

TeenDivided · 09/08/2023 15:07

Just checking the obvious - did you actually ask them to babysit?
As in - if we get the kids into bed for 7:30, would you be willing to babysit so DH and I can go out for a meal together.

Agreed. If the children are in bed, all you need is grandparents to stay home with them and you go out in the evening.

If they say no to that (one night), then bloody hell.

5128gap · 09/08/2023 15:10

You're not U to be jealous. The people you know with family support clearly have a lot more freedom than you do.
But most people's lives bring some benefits and not others. Some people get financial support from parents, some get childcare, some get nothing and are the carers for their parents. Some parents are dead.
There is no point wasting time coveting what you don't have. They have some relationship with your DC and would probably help in an emergency which is something at least. What about the paternal GPs? Do they help?

Original poster
Allsweep · 09/08/2023 15:11

TeenDivided · 09/08/2023 15:07

Just checking the obvious - did you actually ask them to babysit?
As in - if we get the kids into bed for 7:30, would you be willing to babysit so DH and I can go out for a meal together.

We didn't bother asking this time.

Previously we have asked and they always say "yes and long as the children are fast asleep and we will call you if they wake up" but I don't really want to go out for the evening knowing that we could be called back at any time. Or "sure but obviously we will sit in the hotel room with them with the lights on and the TV on full blast, they can sleep through that right?" For obvious reasons, that is also not sensible...

OP posts:
Original poster
Allsweep · 09/08/2023 15:14

Allsweep · 09/08/2023 15:11

We didn't bother asking this time.

Previously we have asked and they always say "yes and long as the children are fast asleep and we will call you if they wake up" but I don't really want to go out for the evening knowing that we could be called back at any time. Or "sure but obviously we will sit in the hotel room with them with the lights on and the TV on full blast, they can sleep through that right?" For obvious reasons, that is also not sensible...

Show quote history

Or to put it more succinctly, they will basically agree to it as long as it involves absolutely no effort on their part. I asked them to babysit once for an hour so that I could dial into a very important meeting when I was on annual leave and they found that very hard work

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 09/08/2023 15:28

I completely get it, it's the wanting your parents to show an interest and also offer to give you guys a rare treat out rather then you expecting free babysitting and recognise that you do need a break.

Does where your staying have a babysitting service?

I do find having no family support available means we are a closer unit though. My DH and I work very well as a team and he's often given as the example of how a dad should be by friends who spend time with us.
We do things differently though like have lunches out whilst the kids are in nursery or book holidays with good children's club options instead!

Dolores87 · 09/08/2023 15:34

Its not unreasonable to be jealous. I have no help what so ever and it came as a suprise because my parents had a lot of help from both sets of Grandkids.

If im honest I have grown resentful (made worse when my sister had a kid and my mum helps her loads). No i am not entitled to their time and we decided to have children etc but I also don't think parenting stops when your kid turns 18 and I cant imagine listening to my kid struggle and their relationship suffer etc and not offer to help at all especially when they literally had my Grandad help every day after school and babysit every single weekend for our whole childhood. I dont think am not asking for much, just a few hours once a month so i can spend time with my partner without the kids

Original poster
Allsweep · 09/08/2023 15:45

Scottishskifun · 09/08/2023 15:28

I completely get it, it's the wanting your parents to show an interest and also offer to give you guys a rare treat out rather then you expecting free babysitting and recognise that you do need a break.

Does where your staying have a babysitting service?

I do find having no family support available means we are a closer unit though. My DH and I work very well as a team and he's often given as the example of how a dad should be by friends who spend time with us.
We do things differently though like have lunches out whilst the kids are in nursery or book holidays with good children's club options instead!

All of that resonates with me!

We are a tight unit and we do find ways to spend time together - kids club, days off when they are in childcare, babysitter etc. I just really hanker after once in a while being able to wake up without being responsible for my children. A night away would be so nice.

OP posts:
Pineapples198 · 10/08/2023 18:41

I know exactly what you mean. I am used to going away with my parents. They usually offer to babysit one night so DH and I can go out and actively encourage it. My dad spends a lot of time entertaining the kids. Playing board games etc. my mum takes over the “house” stuff like washing up, pegging any washing out, rinsing swimming costumes and making packed lunches. Things that help us so that not everything falls on us for once.
currently away with parents in law. They seem to want the kids there for the nice bits but would happily get rid of them for the rest of it. They are constantly shushing them, they go for walks by themselves and outings by themselves but haven’t offered for us to go for a walk while they watch the kids, they haven’t once offered to make the kids breakfast or lunch or anything like that. In fact we end up either sorting parents in law out - they keep asking us what’s for lunch? Where are we going now? What are we doing? Have “we” got any snacks? It’s harder than being on holiday by ourselves!
so yes I absolutely get it. They are not obligated to help in any way but it would be really nice if they did and I had kind of expected it. They haven’t even played a board game with the kids or anything and I had bought loads of craft activity things thinking they would love to do that kind of thing

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/08/2023 18:47

It’s a bit sad also that they won’t put the kids to bed for once to give you an actual break!

I used to put the kids to bed when I was a paid teenager babysitter.

It’s just more stressful than not going out of you have to have them asleep before you go, as doubtless the kids will pick up on it and be more reluctant to sleep than ever.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/08/2023 18:48

Obviously no one has a right to parental help - and I do wonder how on Earth I’ll help my children out, as I’ll likely still be working - but we’ll see how it goes.

Mojoj · 10/08/2023 18:52

I wouldn't be rushing to go on holiday with them again if they won't do even one night of babysitting! That seems very mean.

Flakey99 · 10/08/2023 18:59

So you're away on holiday but you're still not satisfied?? 🤦🏻‍♀️

HermioneWeasley · 10/08/2023 19:01

My parents helped my brother all the time but wouldn’t help me. It sucks and I understand feeling jealous

Applescruffle · 10/08/2023 19:07

Totally understandable and natural to feel jealous.
I feel sad for you. Its a shame they don't think to do something nice for you on your birthday or anniversary.
Do they have health problems or anything or can they literally just not be bothered with it? What were they like as parents to you?

Applescruffle · 10/08/2023 19:07

Flakey99 · 10/08/2023 18:59

So you're away on holiday but you're still not satisfied?? 🤦🏻‍♀️

This is unnecessary and unkind

classclown · 10/08/2023 19:13

Yeah, it's shit.

We have probably three nights out per year. My parents point blank refuse to babysit and my in laws are so difficult and toxic that they make it impossible to trust them with our children.

I'd love a 'village'. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband and we are a good team. But man, we're tired.

MintJulia · 10/08/2023 19:15

You feel how you feel. I can't imagine feeling the same though.

I'm a single mum, have been for the last 12 years and with no back-up at all.

I don't mind or feel envious at all. Me and DS(15) are rock solid, communicate well, understand each other, know when to give each other space.

Whatever either one of us needs, we work it out between us. He knows I have his back, he trusts me implicitly. I love my child and want him with me. It'll only last another 6 months or a year, before he has better things to do.

I will gladly wait.

Original poster
Allsweep · 10/08/2023 19:20

@MintJulia well done on being a perfect parent

I love my children too, but for me that doesn't translate to never wanting time apart

OP posts:
Duchessofspace · 10/08/2023 19:23

I get you. Huge birthday for me, millionaire narcissistic abusive parents didn’t even send me a text. Neither did any of my 3 siblings. Not even a text. They live 5 minutes away and yep not even a text - so they have missed my 16, 18, 21, 30, wedding, 40th - but you know what it hurts yes but far less than then phoning or texting and such when they actually don’t fucking care and they really don’t.

Twiglets1 · 10/08/2023 19:26

I understand where you’re coming from as had the same. Though family would very occasionally babysit if we begged them but they didn’t live locally anyway so it was hard.

What I have been triggered by recently is friends saying they “don’t know how “ people could leave babies/young children with paid babysitters. These are people who all have family nearby who loved to look after their babies/children back in the day on a regular basis!
I think I would try asking your parents if they would babysit for you one night on holiday @Allsweep

Belizenavidad · 10/08/2023 19:26

MintJulia · 10/08/2023 19:15

You feel how you feel. I can't imagine feeling the same though.

I'm a single mum, have been for the last 12 years and with no back-up at all.

I don't mind or feel envious at all. Me and DS(15) are rock solid, communicate well, understand each other, know when to give each other space.

Whatever either one of us needs, we work it out between us. He knows I have his back, he trusts me implicitly. I love my child and want him with me. It'll only last another 6 months or a year, before he has better things to do.

I will gladly wait.

Excellent for you for never wanting a break, some people do.

I was a single mum for many years, DC’s dad passed away and I felt no shame in needing a break. OP is obviously not leaving her children with just anyone but would like some support from her parents.

Being so close with your son I’m sure you’ll be happy to have his children if he chooses to have them to give him a break.

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