AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?

[Allsweep]

This week:

My SIL posting endlessly on FB about the amazing week she is having with my BIL while her mum looks after her 5 year old and 2 year old

Childfree destination wedding coming up where three of my friends are arranging to leave their kids with their parents so they can come with their partners while I have to decide if I want to go on my own or not at all.

We are currently on holiday with my parents - yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary but no offer to babysit. Tomorrow is my birthday... Ditto.

My parents just want the nice bits of grandparenting and can't be bothered with the kids when they get difficult. They aren't awfully behaved children, just normal 6 and 4 year olds. My in laws are overseas and prioritise their daughter's kids anyway.

I know I'm not owed anything but it feels like everyone else has family support sometimes.

Not everyone gets decrepit, that's as outdated a term as crippled (although you might not be from the UK). But I'm sure the house deposit and inheritance would earn them brownie points.

@HoppingPavlova , you are degree educated, but don't understand that most people aren't. How do you think your local supermarkets, bars, shops, hairdressers, council services, rubbish collection etc run, Vis robots? Do those around you who do teaching, nursing etc have no places of employment by where they grew up? You really need to widen your thinking.

I am my DD's childcare and my eldest and her partner are very involved, with my youngest on hand in an emergency. But I know people who will never own their own home (possibly my DD)and would swap childcare for your house deposit. You haven't answered how old your parents are, why your DH has no relatives and if they are generous towards your children on birthdays, Christmas etc. I get the lack of relationship, my grandparents took me all over the UK every school holidays. Counting your blessings helps with resentment. It might be normal in your circle to get a house deposit, but it isn't nationally.

OP your parents sound similar to mine. It’s not so much the lack of babysitting but their self centred views and lack of any interest to spend time with their grandchildren let alone enabling their own child some rest.

Growing up we spent every Friday night on a sleepover at my nans house, so mum could have a lie in. We went to nans every day after school until mum finished work. We had tea there and got into pjs. In summer holidays we spent 2 weeks with grandparents. If I was sick, or needed a lift, or forgot my key, grandparents were on hand.

we have none of that at all and yeah it grates on me for child logistics purposes but the real sadness comes when I realise my parents just don’t want to see us or help.

That is unnecessarily harsh! I don’t think a free holiday was ever mentioned either - although if they offered, why not, they do bugger all else for them! All she would like is an evening with her DH.

My MIL was the same. She even lived with us for a while when she was between houses and never offered to help at all - kids or housework etc. It’s so frustrating, but the dc are old enough to be on their own for an hour or two within the blink of an eye; it just doesn’t feel that way when they are young.

@Ponoka7 I said in my OP that my DH's parents are overseas. They are helpful when they are here but that's once every couple of years due to distance. My DH's sister is also overseas. His brother lives 8 hours away and they get regular help from his in laws so they aren't particularly interested in reciprocal childcare.

My parents are in their 60s. They aren't especially generous to the children generally - not complaining about that but you asked so am answering

Yes its difficult but pros and cons too. My friend seems over involved in her sons life he 30... We had few teens on our road to babysit. Never got into family hols as its set in stone then yearly. But one nights babysitting isnt much to ask.

In that case, don't expect any inheritance from your parents when it's all gone on care fees.

Jealousy is a feeling and that's valid, but concentrate on the things you do have.

You have a partner. Many people are parenting solo.
You have more than one child. Some people are struggling to even have one.
You are on holiday. Some people are struggling to even feed their kids.

You have a lot in your life you should be grateful for, and that goes for everyone. We all want something we haven't got that seems to come easily to other people.

I don’t think this is an unpleasant comment at all. I am a Grandmother. I think when you have kids you will do what you can for them throughout their lives.
We have no problems babysitting and we look after our grandkids 1 day a week to cut down on childcare costs. We have 2 children so we do childcare 2 days a week. We get a lot out of this and most of my friends do the same.
OP we were in a fortunate position to be able to help our children with their house deposits but there is no way I would expect them to feel they are beholden to us for this.

100% with you! When I'm out with my ds I often see grandparents out with grandkids. My neighbour's mum is round pretty much every day helping out with the kids. People posting on Facebook about child free weekends.
My parents will look after mine if asked and in an emergency but I think that's the issue - if I ask. It would be nice if they would offer as then it would feel like they actually want to help or spend time with him rather than it feeling like I'm forcing it.
Dh's parents aren't local and tbh we wouldn't trust them to look after ds anyway!

You blessed if you have help. I had to ask my neighbour in when my husb was in hospital. Now my mother expects world to run after her. Sigh.

@MsRosley do you have any idea what you are talking about? Do you know how offensive your comment is for anyone whose parents have been in a care home??? Being in a care home is sometimes outside of a families control and to be honest who gives a monkeys about inheritance when one of their parents is in a care home. Is that really the most you can add to this post?

Off the topic a bit but why OP, are you all on holiday with your parents?

I can’t figure out if you aren’t reading properly or have trouble comprehending!

I have never/will never get to holiday with grandparents. It is what numerous people have told me.

We don't have any family support and my husband works away a lot. What frustrates me is when people assume you can do something with no notice and have a grandparent waiting to babysit.

We do have some friends who could babysit but they're knackered with work and challenges with their own children, they could be there in an emergent though.

Get over it, some people can't even afford a week-end away with their children. You are not entitled to have your parents, family etc. look after YOUR children,. Be grateful for small mercies.

I get what you mean OP. We went on holiday with my DPs parents and they were useless. They had said lots about how they were looking forward to spending time with their grandson (we live 6hours away), but didn’t do anything with him.

They didn’t want to take him anywhere without us ‘in case they needed help’, as soon as he wasn’t smiling they’d hand him back to us. A lot of the time it felt like they were annoyed we’d brought him (even though we had no one who could look after him at home). Like they wanted to eat at a fancy restaurant and we said no, they couldn’t understand why we didn’t want to wrestle with a 9 month old in a super posh restaurant.

They’re a bit better now he’s older - and will take him out for a day or watch him for an evening. But only if I’m not there - if I’m there i become default parent.

honestly I wonder how they managed to raise two kids themselves as they seem to not really like kids at all!!

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. My mother only looked after my children reluctantly and never in the evening. Other friends parents kitted out their houses for their grandchildren so they had things like highchairs or toys but my mum had nothing for ours. My husband and I went out once a year on our wedding anniversary and my mum babysat and would always text and ask when we were coming home. My in laws want nothing to do with my children but see their other grandchildren and look after them every day. Now my children are teenagers my mother has a better relationship with them. I just don't think she's that good with young kids! At work there is one lady whose mum takes her child overnight every week so she can have a date night and the lady still complains about her mum. She doesn't realise how lucky she is. In terms of my relationship, not having the couple time together when our children were young has meant we have grown apart which is a shame. I know this doesn't happen with all couples but it happened with us and it makes me sad.

I had zero help with my kids. My mum died when I was a child. Father full-time working and devoted free-time to hobbies. In-laws abroad. Sometimes it’s easier knowing it’s just you, hopefully a partner and any network you can build with other friends. Then there’s zero expectation of family input.

We don’t have any support, in laws/SIL estranged (if I told you why you’d be horrified but too outing). My mum lives abroad with partner most of the year, see them maybe twice a year. She’s coming up for the first time in 8 years to help out because for once i made a big fuss about it. I’m working FT for the first time in 7 years because of demands of child with disabilities. I do feel bitter when I look at others, not because I’m jealous but more that they expect me to be bouncing up and down with joy with love of life, as they are when actually it’s a bloody slog. I’m also a considerably older parent and main bill payer/wage earner. I’m sure if I was in their position I’d much happier and more at peace but a lack of empathy/support/understanding for parents who have it tougher is what upsets me.

My dad was too far away to help but the kids absolutely adored him as when they did see him he was just lovely with them...old, though!
The inlaws had to help their daughters family more, one of the grandchildren had complex needs. We rarely had help and I didn't expect it. I had been brought up that way too.I didn't feel jealous of those who had more help, if indeed they did.
I do help with my grandchildren when ever it's possible, we have a lot of fun. I do spoil them but I think my daughter loves that I do.
I do find though as I age , 74 and still working, of necessity, I do get terribly tired and find one or 2 sleepovers a month is all I can reasonably do, especially as there is no Grandad to help entertain!
Also I have another grandchild further away, we have fun visits but I haven't been able to babysit yet. Hoping to retire next year and to be able to do more.

Same situation and it’s by far the hardest part of parenting for us. We are best friends and really really miss us time.

Maybe we just notice it more but it seems everyone has a good support system except us!

You're not being totally unreasonable but you're not alone in this. We raised our two without grandparents or any help, after the death of my parents when my children were very young and my in-laws in the same time period. It was horrendous dealing with all the grief and meeting the needs of two small children. Ours missed out completely on grandparents - even the nice bits.
What I'm trying to say is that yes, it's rubbish they are not more supportive but if there is a glimmer of a silver lining, it's that your kids and them can make memories and enjoy one another.

I often thought of making some sort of local group for those of us without family support, so we could support each other. At the time, I was just not in the right head-space though, so never followed it up. Maybe you could do this though? Could be really useful helping each other out with baby-sitting, errands etc.

Did your own grandparents ever look after you? I would say to your parents it would be really nice if they occasionally acted like grandparents and looked after your kids for a bit, I reminded my own parents that they had plenty of back up from their parents.

Bizarrely triggered much?

I'm one of 6 children and mum raised us on her own for some of it. She says, "If I want to have your child's company I'll ask. If you'd like me to watch them, and it's convenient, I will, otherwise you'll have to make other arrangements. I've raised my children, time for you to raise yours." It's hard not to be jealous of those friends whose parents beg to have the grandies.