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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?

197 replies

Allsweep · 09/08/2023 15:01

This week:

My SIL posting endlessly on FB about the amazing week she is having with my BIL while her mum looks after her 5 year old and 2 year old

Childfree destination wedding coming up where three of my friends are arranging to leave their kids with their parents so they can come with their partners while I have to decide if I want to go on my own or not at all.

We are currently on holiday with my parents - yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary but no offer to babysit. Tomorrow is my birthday... Ditto.

My parents just want the nice bits of grandparenting and can't be bothered with the kids when they get difficult. They aren't awfully behaved children, just normal 6 and 4 year olds. My in laws are overseas and prioritise their daughter's kids anyway.

I know I'm not owed anything but it feels like everyone else has family support sometimes.

OP posts:
Youdoyoutoday · 10/08/2023 19:29

@MintJulia completely different circumstances, your kid is 15 and can entertain himself, OP is talking about grandparents offering to baby sit for a couple of hours in the evening so she can spend some time with her husband isn't the same as "my 15yo is my best friend and we're so in tune with each other" such an odd comment.

@Allsweep that sounds really crap, I find it baffling that grandparents couldn't possibly deal with with one of their own grandchildren if they happened to wake up.

Gymmum82 · 10/08/2023 19:32

Firstly I’d be binning off the family holidays with your parents. Literally what is the point if they won’t allow you to go out for the night while they babysit?

They sound frustratingly poor and I’d be upset and id probably tell them that too.
No you’re not entitled to help. But they aren’t entitled to holidays with their grandkids either. I’d definitely make very little effort going forward and if they need help when they are old it’s a shame you’ll be too busy

Original poster
Allsweep · 10/08/2023 19:35

Applescruffle · 10/08/2023 19:07

Totally understandable and natural to feel jealous.
I feel sad for you. Its a shame they don't think to do something nice for you on your birthday or anniversary.
Do they have health problems or anything or can they literally just not be bothered with it? What were they like as parents to you?

I think it's a combination of things:

My mum thinks going out is a waste of money so wouldn't see the point in us going out for a drink when we could buy a drink and drink it at home

My parents' style generally was to expect me to fit in around them so they would just take me wherever they wanted to go and I would fall asleep there or in the car on the way home etc. They think it's deeply peculiar that DH and I will not do things we might want to do because the children are tired and need to go to bed.

So they would just watch TV with the lights on and expect the kids to sleep through it etc

OP posts:
Flimflambutterbeer · 10/08/2023 19:38

Same! My parents travel 700 miles to babysit my niece and nephew. But they won't come 12 miles for me.

😔

LolaSmiles · 10/08/2023 19:39

It's understandable that you feel jealous seeing others with parents who take an active interest and role in their grandchildren's lives.

I do think some people take advantage in situations with family help, not that I'd ever say that. I can't imagine wanting to push my DC off onto grandparents all the time for regular nights out, weekends away, holidays but some people clearly have no problems with it and have willing family.

It sounds like your parents are willing to make a token offer but with so many string attached that you decide it's not worth it. Then if you mention anything they can daily "but we did offer".

Original poster
Allsweep · 10/08/2023 19:41

LolaSmiles · 10/08/2023 19:39

It's understandable that you feel jealous seeing others with parents who take an active interest and role in their grandchildren's lives.

I do think some people take advantage in situations with family help, not that I'd ever say that. I can't imagine wanting to push my DC off onto grandparents all the time for regular nights out, weekends away, holidays but some people clearly have no problems with it and have willing family.

It sounds like your parents are willing to make a token offer but with so many string attached that you decide it's not worth it. Then if you mention anything they can daily "but we did offer".

Yes, that's exactly it.

If we had willing grandparents, I would be very very happy with a weekend away a year and an occasional overnight for something like a childfree wedding. I don't want to go on holiday for weeks without my kids really

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 10/08/2023 19:46

Yeah my parents don’t like my husband or agree with my decisions regarding my relationship (we are polyamorous).

They have nothing to do with my dc. It was particularly cross with them hating my dh who did nothing wrong, when they outright said the boyfriend of the time of my sisters was better….even though he was hitting her!!!

My dh’s parents abused him badly, and our partners parents live in turkey after legging it with the inheritance that was supposed to shared amongst the family.

BettyOBarley · 10/08/2023 19:48

My parents are exactly the same OP, it's upsetting isn't it.
I think a pp is totally right - we can ask for babysitting, but I just wish they WANTED to have them.
My DC are 6 & 9 and my parents would always look after them in an emergency, but have never once asked to take them out for the day or ever had them stay overnight.
I left them with my mum for one hour last week and she made it VERY clear she didn't enjoy it (won't repeat what she actually said as it was really upsetting).
It makes it difficult as a couple, but more than that it's just bloody sad really. I see GPs all the time out and about doing fun stuff with their GC and I feel sad for my kids.

Lollypop701 · 10/08/2023 19:48

We had no support from family, but I had options with friends as we swapped for each other.

Is there a reason you go on holiday with them? I’d find it hard spending time with them, meeting their needs when they obviously don’t consider yours? Oh and as a child I went with my parents and fell asleep with a coat over, but times have changed and it’s not acceptable in the same way now as then (and my kids are older teenagers now)

I be happier on my own with dh knowing that was it than dealing with your parents Tbh, and yes I know they had their kids ya de ya but I don’t agree. One night should not be hardship for them

Original poster
Allsweep · 10/08/2023 19:48

Gymmum82 · 10/08/2023 19:32

Firstly I’d be binning off the family holidays with your parents. Literally what is the point if they won’t allow you to go out for the night while they babysit?

They sound frustratingly poor and I’d be upset and id probably tell them that too.
No you’re not entitled to help. But they aren’t entitled to holidays with their grandkids either. I’d definitely make very little effort going forward and if they need help when they are old it’s a shame you’ll be too busy

I am coming to this conclusion too.

Perhaps next time we will go with one of DH's siblings - they all live too far away to babysit for us normally but would be up for a babysitting exchange on holiday

OP posts:
kinderbuenoyum · 10/08/2023 19:49

It's one of the reasons (there's other reasons too) why we're one and done. We just don't have the family support all my friends with multiple children do.

Original poster
Allsweep · 10/08/2023 20:00

Lollypop701 · 10/08/2023 19:48

We had no support from family, but I had options with friends as we swapped for each other.

Is there a reason you go on holiday with them? I’d find it hard spending time with them, meeting their needs when they obviously don’t consider yours? Oh and as a child I went with my parents and fell asleep with a coat over, but times have changed and it’s not acceptable in the same way now as then (and my kids are older teenagers now)

I be happier on my own with dh knowing that was it than dealing with your parents Tbh, and yes I know they had their kids ya de ya but I don’t agree. One night should not be hardship for them

I don't know that these are good reasons but we go on holiday with them every couple of years because:

They enjoy going on holiday but don't feel up to organising and navigating in a foreign country any more so if we don't go with them, they don't go at all

I feel obligated because they have helped us with a house deposit

The children do love them and enjoy spending time with them

But if I am honest, I enjoy holidays without them a lot more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allsweep · 10/08/2023 20:03

BettyOBarley · 10/08/2023 19:48

My parents are exactly the same OP, it's upsetting isn't it.
I think a pp is totally right - we can ask for babysitting, but I just wish they WANTED to have them.
My DC are 6 & 9 and my parents would always look after them in an emergency, but have never once asked to take them out for the day or ever had them stay overnight.
I left them with my mum for one hour last week and she made it VERY clear she didn't enjoy it (won't repeat what she actually said as it was really upsetting).
It makes it difficult as a couple, but more than that it's just bloody sad really. I see GPs all the time out and about doing fun stuff with their GC and I feel sad for my kids.

Yes. I ran into one of my son's friends at the playground a couple of weeks ago and his grandparents were so happy to be looking after them for the weekend. It would be lovely to have that.

I can pay a babysitter to go out when we get back from holiday but it doesn't replicate that experience.

OP posts:
Mrscooper13 · 10/08/2023 20:20

Have you told them this? Or is it not worth the effort?

have you also asked your husband to ask his parents that would be nice to help you not just his sister.

PerspiringElizabeth · 10/08/2023 20:32

‘AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?’

Honestly don’t know how a quarter of people can think that’s unreasonable. You feel how you feel. Perfectly reasonable to wish you had the help that others do.

We’re in the same situation as you and it’s hard. Those with help tend to take it for granted and therefore not realise how much of a difference those providing help actually make, and therefore how much those without help are missing out on. And therefore tell you you’re unreasonable and to just get on with it, you chose to have kids, etc 🙄

Mary46 · 10/08/2023 20:35

Same op never had help. Hard not to envy those with plenty of it. If she took my 2 for a wedding it was a huge drama so no point. Thankfully dont need it now she 17. Its hard though gets costly with babysitters in...

Mary46 · 10/08/2023 20:37

A school mam couldnt understand I had no backup. She had the granny the aunt. Its crap really no help

Flakey99 · 10/08/2023 20:38

I feel obligated (to accept a free holiday) *because they have helped us with a house deposit

The children do love them and enjoy spending time with them*

And yet, it's still not enough for the OP who expects them to beg to be allowed to babysit her kids...

Original poster
Allsweep · 10/08/2023 20:41

Flakey99 · 10/08/2023 20:38

I feel obligated (to accept a free holiday) *because they have helped us with a house deposit

The children do love them and enjoy spending time with them*

And yet, it's still not enough for the OP who expects them to beg to be allowed to babysit her kids...

Who said free holiday?

We split the costs

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 10/08/2023 20:44

Flakey99 · 10/08/2023 20:38

I feel obligated (to accept a free holiday) *because they have helped us with a house deposit

The children do love them and enjoy spending time with them*

And yet, it's still not enough for the OP who expects them to beg to be allowed to babysit her kids...

That’s an interesting embellishment you’ve added to the outlined circumstances.

Questionsforyou · 10/08/2023 20:47

I know it's hard when other people seem to have help and that is disappointing. But if you're on holiday with them and the children love them, I wouldn't stop doing that just because they won't babysit for you.

I don't have family support at all. I feel very jealous sometimes because I just would love the feeling that if I needed something, if I needed a child picking up from somewhere then I could. I had an elective section so I knew my older daughter would be in paid childcare ! But I wish I had grandparents for the children that they could make happy memories with. That's if you enjoy spending time with them of course. It they aren't nice people then dial it back. If they are nice, you just have to accept that they won't be offering you the support that you would like.

YearsofYears · 10/08/2023 20:49

Our family sound more supportive than yours but due to ill health and distance we have very little help day to day with similar age kids. It's hard. We've had help on and off when it's been more feasible when kids were smaller so at least had that.
I always see super involved grandparents caring for kids at weekends and in school holidays,its so lovely for both kids and grandparents (and the parents too) . I am just so jealous. A bit easier for me to accept though as family just can't help much at the moment rather than not wanting to. The posters who mention becoming a tight unit have cheered me up. We also hire a babysitter occasionally which really helps.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/08/2023 20:52

The only parents I ever see who are really relaxed and “together” seem to be the ones who have grandparents or other family on tap for babysitting and childcare.

It also seems to translate into the parents doing well in their careers as surprisingly they are dependable and do well in their jobs.

So yes it’s reasonable to feel jealous, but no point in dwelling as it’s not something that can be changed.

Beseen22 · 10/08/2023 20:52

I get it. My kids are 6 and 3 and neither have ever stayed at my parents. They have slept through for years, bed at 7, sleep til 8, toilet trained and pretty well behaved children. Most of my friends parents have a dedicated room set up for their grandchildren and have sleepovers weekly. I know they are my kids to look after and I don't actually want GP to spend time with them if they don't want to but sometimes it winds me up.

Had to beg my mum to take the kids when I had norovirus and my DH was away with work. Just for an hour so I could vomit without company. She said she was too busy as she needed to go to town to get nailvarnish.

Stickstickstickstickstick · 10/08/2023 20:53

I’m with you, OP. My parents had the village which allowed them to both work AND go out together. My mum died when I was pregnant and my dad has no interest. I don’t think I’m entitled to anything and I just get on with it but it’s galling that my dad benefitted from relatives rallying round but won’t do it for anyone else 🙄