AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?

[Allsweep]

This week:

My SIL posting endlessly on FB about the amazing week she is having with my BIL while her mum looks after her 5 year old and 2 year old

Childfree destination wedding coming up where three of my friends are arranging to leave their kids with their parents so they can come with their partners while I have to decide if I want to go on my own or not at all.

We are currently on holiday with my parents - yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary but no offer to babysit. Tomorrow is my birthday... Ditto.

My parents just want the nice bits of grandparenting and can't be bothered with the kids when they get difficult. They aren't awfully behaved children, just normal 6 and 4 year olds. My in laws are overseas and prioritise their daughter's kids anyway.

I know I'm not owed anything but it feels like everyone else has family support sometimes.

My lovely dad was amazing - would have done anything for his grandchildren. Often sent them cheques while they were at university, looked out books he thought they'd like to talk about... We fell out with dh's parents years ago - my ADHD (then unrecognised) didn't help but the fault was definitely with his toxic sister. SO many people have fallen out with her over the years!

The worst bit? In lockdown (so June 2020) it was dh's 60th. Also a Thursday so we had a very distanced neighbourhood celebration whilst out clapping - v rural and big front gardens with no hedges. Just before we went out dh phoned his mum as it was his 60th bithday (she's just 19 yeares older). Asked how they were. She asked what he meant. He said you and dad how are you?

She then informed him his dad had died in the previous February (4 months earlier) but she hadn't let him know as she didn't know he'd be interested. All the NC was from their side - his very entitled sister, It was horrible. So so horrible. My dh is a lovely dad to 4 children their grandmother doesn't even recognise in the street now. His sister has fallen out with so many relatives. Their loss but so so sad.

Do they give you presents for Xmas and birthday? If so I would just start asking for money for babysitting or gift cards to your favorite restaurants (so you would just have to pay for babysitting). That's really disappointing OP sorry! But you should definitely find a way to get those nights out. We've now started swapping childcare with THREE other couples, it's awesome! I recently needed help for a couple unexpected work hours and we reciprocated with date night babysitting. It works womderfully!

I can relate. My in laws have never bothered with our children. I think they took them out once for a few hours and they had our eldest when she was 2 for NYE but called at 11pm for us to pick her up because she cried a bit.
They have their 2 newest grandchildren every weekend since they were about 4 weeks old, they even buy them more expensive birthday gifts whereas ours have got £10 in a card every year. Oh and they took their 2 newest grandkids to Disney world Florida for 3 weeks after they'd been promising our kids for years. No shame and no guilt about that.
I've completely given up caring and don't see them anymore.

I know what you mean, I've always been a bit envious of friends with lots of family support. We didn't have it due to not having anyone close by, except DMIL who was very elderly. She was still amazing - had my DTs when I went to the hairdresser or the doctors etc, came swimming with us to help with changing although she couldn't come in the pool, came shopping round town with me and then we might take them for lunch in the local family pub - but she couldn't have them overnight and didn't drive. But I know that is a lot more than some people have.

I know other people have entire nights or weekends off while family look after their children. That's way beyond anything we could ever experience. But tbh I'm not sure I was that fussed. The children have grown up so fast and we have never wanted much time away from them (we'll soon be able to do whatever we want anyway...) ! DH and I have had separate breaks with friends while the other looked after the DCs, but odd nights/weekends, not regular long holidays. Also we were older parents so had already had lots of holidays and parties before we had children.

I think we just have to acknowledge that we are all in different situations. Some are 'luckier' than others. In so many ways.......

You shouldn’t have to ask OP.
it sounds like they’ve always been like this though, so why haven’t you prioritised a holiday with kids clubs and onsite babysitting?

Btw DMIL was 80 when the twins were born, so she was great. She loved spending time with them and still does. She started having them (and us) stay over every NYE when they were about 4 and did so for years. She bakes us cakes and puddings and dotes on the DTs, although she's 96 now and has slowed down a lot. But we could never have asked for more from her, and the limitations were due to age and transport, never not wanting to help or spend time with her DGCs.

We are very lucky to have had her support. My family are all spread out so although siblings have had the DCs on occasions, we only had DMIL on the doorstep.

That’s appalling that your mum has told you she’s planning on giving your sister lots of childcare support whilst not giving you any. I’d have gone bloody ballistic! Did she attempt to justify this very unfair treatment?

It might sound a bit pushy but the next time she’s over at yours announce that you’re off out to do some ‘errands’. ….”Help yourself to tea/coffee anything from the fridge etc….the girls are going to love playing with granny and granddad(big smile)…..I’ll see you all in a couple of hours. I did this recently with my PIL years of hosting them with little to no offers of childcare. Worked a bloomin’ treat 👍

The ‘errands’ amounted to me sitting in the local cafe having a restful solo lunch scrolling insta. I felt not one iota of guilt.

It's completely fine if grandparents do not want a hands on role with their grandchildren. However this does not in any way mean that you can't be sad or cross they don't, or jealous of those who have grandparents that are far more hands on.

I totally get this. My parents were overseas so could never help and my Mum, in particular, didn't seem that bothered about interacting with them much on the few occasions she did see them. She loved them to bits but just found it a bit too much like hard work. They probably saw them twice a year and would babysit, but only if I asked. They wouldn't think to offer. I spent 6 years moaning about it and feeling resentful. Then my Mum became ill very quickly and died. I realised I was in a harder position than before as I am now quite responsible for my Dad who is elderly (and his dog)

I completely understand why you are so fed up with it and it is especially hard when people are flaunting all the free weekends and the help etc. However, I've now realised nothing is going to change (in fact it will only get harder) so it's wierd, but I just get on with it (sometimes the slight expectation of help is worse than realising you're absolutely not going to get it and just getting on with it yourself.)

I feel proud of myself for doing it all on my own and I do think I'm a responsible and involved parent.) Probably trying to make myself feel better but some grandparents are way too involved and I do know some kids who generally come across as quite spoiled as they are looked after by grandparents so much. I'd absolutely love a night away with my partner. We've never had a night away just the two of us in 10 yrs - I can get as bitter as I want but that's not going to change anything.

To be honest, I don't think elderly parents are really going to change (I would definitely ask them for the help though and maybe just accidentally mute your phone incase they call when you're out. If I could turn back the clock I think I would try and just accept that my mum was a bit crap and just try and enjoy having her around my kids and them having a grandma. Really not preaching as I was just the same but you never know what's round the corner and you will regret the resentment. I also try and think of my friends whose parents never even got to meet their grandchildren, let alone be around to help.

My Mum once said "I've raised my children*" and that I was ruining her retirement asking her to mind my son when he had a sick bug and couldn't go to school, and I was on my final warning at work. So no, OP, you are not alone in being jealous of people who have support and people who would actually be happy to mind their grandchildren. It is shit.

She has never explained it. When I was pregnant with my eldest she did seem keen but got very offended when I pointed out I would be breastfeeding- she literally begged me not to purely to make it easier for her to take my son out and about. When he was about a week old she fell out with me because I wouldn’t let her take him to the airport to welcome my sister back from a backpacking trip. At this point he was tiny, I was still establishing my milk supply and had pretty much been sitting in my pyjamas doing nothing but feeding for the last week. She couldn’t see the issue at all and didn’t understand I couldn’t just express and send him off out for the day. I do think that maybe put her in to the frame of mind where she just thought “well bugger it- I’ll never babysit at all then”.

Yes this. I feel so much for my children not to have the happy experiences like I had with my DGPs. I feel so envious at the school gate when I see GPs collecting children for their ‘weekly night at the grandparents’ or for a ‘nice weekend with Granny and Grandad’.

No family support here either and not easy to find babysitters where we live so not had an evening out with DH in 5 years. I know we chose to have my kids I just didn’t think we’d be so on our own in parenting.

Like you and other PPs DH and I have formed a strong team and aren’t hankering for weeks or even nights away, we’d just love the odd evening to ourselves for a few hours and even more for the DCs to feel wanted by their GPs. My Mum told me before the DCs were born not to expect childcare from her as she would be ‘too busy living her life’.

YANBU OP and Happy Birthday. I hope at least you had a nice day even if you couldn’t go out with DH this evening.

If I were you OP, I would try one more time this holiday to ask your parents if you can put the kids to bed will they babysit for you given its your anniversary and bday this week. If they refuse or make it difficult like previous times then I would just not ask them on holiday with you any more as it works both ways and you are supporting them to have foreign holidays.

You can still see them for other events as usual but then have a more enjoyable holiday with your DH’s siblings for a babysitting swap or go somewhere with a kids club next year. And likewise don’t borrow any more money from them again if you can avoid it as it seems like maybe they use it as a form of control over you?

I guess the best way to deal with the jealousy is to remember ‘Happiness is wanting what we have, not having what we want’ and it sounds like you and DH and your children are a lovely family so focus on that and remember this when your kids ask for help with childcare in the future!

Totally understandable feelings OP. It's really natural (and healthy) to want some child free time and so much more possible if you have close, supportive family on hand.

My parents are lovely and supportive but live more than 4 hours away. My brother and sister both live overseas. Step MIL actually said 'what's in it for me' when we asked her and FIL to babysit. Although it probably shouldn't have come as a surprise having been declined a cup of tea from the pot when staying over, being told 'it'll go further if you don't '!!

I really feel for you OP. I was expecting a different kind of moan but really your parents sound quite unkind and fixed in their thinking.

Have you ever had a frank conversation with them about it?

Hopefully as your children become more independent your parents may do more?

I would not be sorting them out anothrr holiday though. That ship has sailed. I'd explain why if they asked too. It doesn't sound a holiday for you.

100% get it OP. We don’t get any family help at all as my husbands job forces us to live away from all family help and when our families visit they want to see all of us. We have had one night alone in 3 years (after we drove 10hrs one way for some family visits). It’s really hard and hard on our marriage again. When I see how much help my SILs/BILs get on both sides it makes me want to cry. I was half raised by my Grandma. Even if we lived closer my Mum works full-time and so still can’t do the weekly childcare my friends and in-laws all get for free. The financial impact of no grandparent support is enormous. I get it.

No You’re not being unreasonable. We’re similar my parents are not alive and partners parents never have our kids, they like going out themselves and holidays over being grandparents. Never offer to have the kids to give us a break or so we can go out.They might offer to take my eldest once a year for the afternoon but not our youngest. Shitbags. We don’t have anyone for them we have to share all the childcare between just us it’s very hard so you have my sympathy. All my friends have their parents, grandparents etc but we have nobody, and when friends have all got more kids than you and bush life’s u don’t really want to ask! I get it OP

If I didn’t know my husband was an only child I’d have thought you could be his sibling. After years of resenting my in-laws for NEVER helping, I’ve realised it is THEM missing out - not me. Now I actually laugh at how astoundingly unhelpful they are. More complicated that it’s your folks though, could you talk to them? See if there’s a way to get on the same page?

busy lives that was meant to say 🤪

We don't have any help from grandparents.

I'm really curious as to why you holiday with them? I thought the whole point of holidaying with grandparents was so they could mind the children on an occasional evening?

What absolute arseholes! I have a FIL and step-MIL who also treat my children like this and their other grandchildren are the golden grandchildren. They ignore my children on their birthdays and Christmas, don’t send presents or anything for them etc. No card or text. They act like they don’t exist. And so we now act like they don’t exist. If someone wants to treat my children as lesser then, they can get it back in spades.

The icing on the cake was last Christmas when my SIL who was unaware of this going on (as their dad is a narcissist and lies a lot) video called us when with them and we along with our children had to sit and listen as our lovely nieces and nephews showed us all the gifts they had been bought by them (the shitty ‘grandparents’). After that I decided fuck em. No more. If my husband answers the phone to them now I make myself and my children busy. They never want to speak to us anyway. There’s been no calls since last Christmas actually phew!

Thankfully my Mum, Grandma and MIL are LOVELY along with the aunts and uncles both sides and so my children will quickly learn who the piece of crap is in that family!

@Flakey99 please take your mean and erroneous interpretation of who the OP is off to a quiet corner, and then look deeply into your own psyche and why you need to put other people down. Is it due to you actually having very low self-esteem?

YANBU OP.

I disagree with the ‘You’re entitled to
O from family’ MN crew. So why do families exist?

Cuts both ways - DC won’t be able to establish the deep loving relationship that will support your parents in their later years.

Let’s hope the golf clubs and the manicure sets keep up the visits at Xmas.

It's really hard and I feel like so many people don't understand. I have to take my DS to staff meetings at time because of DH isn't at home then there is no one else. Yet I have had times when I've been asked why my mum or MIL can't have him.
My DH and I haven't been out together for about 4 years but it is what it is. My situation is different to OP because my parents are too frail to care for DS and MIL is disabled. I have older children (teenagers) and my parents used to take them for a few days every holiday but in some ways it's worse, knowing I won't get that freedom again.
I do get jealous when other people tell me how much their families do for them. I try not to but it's hard.

Oh, really? Seriously?

The whole point in holidaying with them is their companionship. Not being able to press them into service as free childminders.

Jesus Christ. The entitlement of parents today is off the charts.

As a Grandma I offer to have my grandchild overnight to give my daughter a break every couple of weeks . Enjoy spending time with grandchild and agree with PP who said that we are parents way beyond the age of 18.