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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be jealous of those with family support?

197 replies

Allsweep · 09/08/2023 15:01

This week:

My SIL posting endlessly on FB about the amazing week she is having with my BIL while her mum looks after her 5 year old and 2 year old

Childfree destination wedding coming up where three of my friends are arranging to leave their kids with their parents so they can come with their partners while I have to decide if I want to go on my own or not at all.

We are currently on holiday with my parents - yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary but no offer to babysit. Tomorrow is my birthday... Ditto.

My parents just want the nice bits of grandparenting and can't be bothered with the kids when they get difficult. They aren't awfully behaved children, just normal 6 and 4 year olds. My in laws are overseas and prioritise their daughter's kids anyway.

I know I'm not owed anything but it feels like everyone else has family support sometimes.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 21:48

Mine are ok practically. They look after her sometimes.

But I don't get on with my mum 😞
Even today I didn't get into an argument, didn't react, I'm still accused of arguing because I didn't agree with her. I can't win.

They want to be around my child but I don't think my mum's bothered about being around me

mondaytosunday · 10/08/2023 21:51

My parents were really too elderly to have the kids during the day, and my in laws were not interested. So I employed my friend's nanny for the odd overnight thing, though it was expensive.
I was more envious of the grandparent/grandchild relationship that develops with that kind of care. My father died when mine were 3 and 5, and my mother moved to another country two years later. My in laws have minimal relationships with their older grandkids, my stepsons (as they do with my children but they were a lot older when I had mine).

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/08/2023 21:52

With kindness, OP, you aren't that badly off. Even if grudgingly and noisily, your parents would be able to be left safely with the children (ie, they aren't in danger from them). You have a presumably lovely DH, you have a good income to be able to have two holidays, one for the family, one for your friend's wedding, you have lovely children - no it's not picture perfect - but on the whole, you are in an incredibly good position.

There will be people you know looking at your life and thinking sadly 'When I look at @Allsweep, it's all so wonderful. It seems as though everybody has family support'

Augustisthesundayofsummer · 10/08/2023 21:53

Completely understand how you feel, op.
Parents have never babysat once for our Dd, 5. They come to stay with us and couldn’t look after her for 3 hours whilst I went to work. I offered them the choice when they came over of keeping the babysitter just twice a week for 3 hours or would they like to spend time with her, mum said they thought the babysitter would be better, so no chance of a night out or couple of hours out. It’s so hurtful, they looked after my sisters kids all the time, my mum said she was younger then, so I can only put it down to that. How old are your parents out of interest?

Fizbosshoes · 10/08/2023 21:53

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 21:45

@Fizbosshoes Couldn't you hire a babysitter? Twelve years seems a long time to go without an outing.

We've had nights out and used babysitters, it's just an overnight stay we haven't done. The kids have done sleepovers with friends but we usually collect first thing so not gone anywhere.

toomanyleggings · 10/08/2023 21:54

Yes. I find it really hard. DH and I have no support with three kids because his parents are both dead, I’m not in touch with my dad and my mum works full time and lives too far away. I see people around me going away for mini breaks, having their kids picked up from school by grandparents, going to concerts… they’re very lucky

Oohmissus · 10/08/2023 21:56

I have had no family support at all where the children are concerned, and I'm jealous of the fact that you go on holiday with your family, OP!

Oohmissus · 10/08/2023 21:58

Meowandthen · 10/08/2023 21:33

It always seems a shame when grandparents have no interest in their grandchildren. Everyone misses out.

Obv they don’t have to do anything but seems odd to have so little interest. Babysitting isn’t exactly hard.

Babysitting isn't hard - but it is hard when there's a 200 mile gap between families.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 21:59

When I was growing up we lived about half a mile from my healthy, loving and active grandparents. My sister and I were their only grandchildren and we used to stay with them on weekends from time to time. My grandma would let us spend hours playing in the bath and then make us plates of cheese, crackers, pickles, salad. Strange but we loved it.

However, my parents also had a roster of other babysitters available, from a couple of girls down the street to the teen children of friends to an older woman friend who liked to earn some extra money. Everyone did. I just can't fathom why this no longer works and parents will go a decade or more (!) without adult socialization or a getaway.

rkd53 · 10/08/2023 21:59

What makes you assume that the grandparents paid?

Kwasi · 10/08/2023 22:00

I hear you! We’ve been parents for five years and had three lunch dates together. The last one was less than an hour long because my husband had to get back to work for a meeting.

Before the summer hols, I asked in our class Whatsapp about holiday clubs. Out of the 28 kids in his class, my son is the only one who needs one.

Like many other parents, wanting a romantic, child-free dinner date for your anniversary doesn’t make you neglectful parents.

Applescruffle · 10/08/2023 22:01

I am lucky in that I have parents and good in-laws who work a lot but do their best to be present.
SIL gets a ridiculous amount of support from MIL. She really takes the piss. Along with a lot of babysitting she's been on two week-long holidays this year already without all FIVE children and has dumped them with family. Her child sustained a serious injury last time she was away and was hospitalised and she didn't even bother coming back.
It does seem really unfair when some people get a lot of help, to the point of them really milking it, and some get none at all.

Lorey82 · 10/08/2023 22:02

I can see it from both sides as still a mother of young children and as a grandparent. I don’t think people sometimes appreciate how stressful and much responsibility caring for someone else’s young children can be. Some people don’t mind at all but you can’t expect everyone to feel like that. Caring for your own children feels completely different (even compared to caring for grandchildren). Not only that but you kind of don’t have a choice with your own children anyway. Hopefully your parents would step in if an true emergency and yes I would feel sorry for you if that wasn’t the case but otherwise just be pleased you still have them and they are happy to be involved in the ‘fun parts’. From the child’s perspective that is the important bit, those are the aspects I enjoyed and appreciated with my grandparents. My parents and in laws don’t babysit but we very much appreciate the relationship that our children have with them. As for getting the opportunity to enjoy time just together then we pay for an extra days childcare or a babysitter, obviously not something we can afford to do very often. Maybe worth at least asking your parents and giving them reassurance you’ll settle the kids in bed first etc?

GirlOfTudor · 10/08/2023 22:03

I don't have this support from my child's grandparents either. Infact, there's only 1 couple I'd trust with my child out of mine and my husband's families. I wouldn't expect anyone to babysit him and certainly wouldn't begrudge them if they never offered in their lifetime.

You say your parents want the nice bits of being grandparents.... But why should they get the bad bits? Your kids aren't their kids. You chose to have them.

WeightoftheWorld · 10/08/2023 22:09

GirlOfTudor · 10/08/2023 22:03

I don't have this support from my child's grandparents either. Infact, there's only 1 couple I'd trust with my child out of mine and my husband's families. I wouldn't expect anyone to babysit him and certainly wouldn't begrudge them if they never offered in their lifetime.

You say your parents want the nice bits of being grandparents.... But why should they get the bad bits? Your kids aren't their kids. You chose to have them.

I'm afraid I actually agree with this. I love my DPs and they've been a great help in many ways, but they've never offered to babysit for me and DH to go out together or anything like that and frankly why should they? I get that some others want to but I can't say I'd necessarily want to spend an evening/night doing that for anyone else's children either. I mean many nights my DS was waking constantly crying so it was bad enough doing it as his DM nevermind as a more distant relation. It's not exactly fun for them and somebody else said upthread "babysitting isn't hard" - maybe not for you but it is for plenty of other people! Particularly as people age. We chose to have kids and my DPs have been a great support but they don't feel it's a duty of theirs to babysit so we can go out on dates whatever, it's not a necessity after all.

Mummasals · 10/08/2023 22:09

not unreasonable at all! My mum loves to point out that she had 4 kids and very little support - to which I want to scream ‘yes and wouldn’t you have relished the occasional ‘treat’ of being able to go out for dinner as a couple’. For me it’s really frustrating - both sets of parents live within a 15 minute drive of us yet we get absolutely no help from either set! Where’s the village they told us about???

Elaina87 · 10/08/2023 22:10

Have you asked your parents? Or just expecting them to offer?

Elaina87 · 10/08/2023 22:14

Sorry I've now read your replies. I've got 2 kids, 5 and 3 months old. They've always baby sat my eldest but have to admit I'm not sure how much help we will get now there is 2 of them... it's definitely harder (as we know ourselves!).

CoffeeLover90 · 10/08/2023 22:16

Yep. Single parent, no help from the 'dad', his family have never shown an interest and mine are a joke. When pregnant I was told I'd have as much support as needed,I asked for nothing when he was younger. When the ex left I did get help while I worked but that started to dwindle, then stopped abruptly. Will not take him to the park for an hour. Nothing. 24/7 working or parenting. I don't expect help but I am tired. I've helped them many times in the past. As a child I was with family or friends all weekend, every weekend. DM forgets this, will often try to compare my situation with hers 'I did it with two of you, I know it's hard' 1. She was married. Worked part time and had no children on a weekend and sometimes in holidays. 2. If she knows it's hard why not help when I asked?
About a year ago I was burnt out, close to a breakdown and I begged for help. I never ask. I was fobbed off. A friend called in and found me sobbing, she took DS out for a couple of hours. I didn't even have to ask.
Sorry for venting... just read these posts and know you're not alone.

4timesthefun · 10/08/2023 22:17

Yep, it’s the only thing that triggers my green eyed monster! To be honest the envy is less around my own circumstances and more around what the children are missing out on. I had an incredibly close relationship with my grandparents and still cherish the memories.
From a practical perspective, holidays with the odd day of kids club and paying a babysitter when we need to go out give us the child free time…. But nothing makes up for the kids having such absent and disinterested extended family.

Kwasi · 10/08/2023 22:18

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 21:26

I don't know. Whenever I hear parents complain about lack of support (an increasingly frequent lament) I wonder how much "support" they provide/provided to others.

It's a two-way street. Expecting special services because one has children is pretty entitled. Do the parents expecting support ever do anything to help other people? Even if it's not convenient or enjoyable?

My husband does loads for his mum and always has done. He even used to do a 30 mile round trip almost every day for six weeks when she went on holiday to make sure her cat got some cuddles. I have looked after my sister’s kids twice so her and her husband could go to Ibiza. I always offer to have my son’s classmates after school if the parents are stuck.

Pooheadbumbum · 10/08/2023 22:22

OP I can completely relate! My in laws live overseas and my parents live 20 mins away, but are not helpful. Never babysit. We have 4 children (which I know is a lot!) and I am a SAHM and I just find the relentlessness overwhelming.

What I find sad though is that those who have support, their lives and their children’s lives are so much fuller for it. The advantages just reach to all facets of their lives. Having company, less stress, the children feeling part of something. Feeling loved, included, supported.

Those of us without that are just empty of those things from a larger family circle and it’s so sad.

We do get babysitters occasionally, but mostly we go out separately.

I’ve also noticed that the people who have never paid for a baby sitter look at you like you are a complete Scrooge when I say that paying a teenager 10 an hour to sit on the sofa on my internet and Netflix is ridiculous! Easy to do when you’ve never had to pay it!

Mixedmixed · 10/08/2023 22:25

We are in same situation - all the grandparents like to see them now and again but won't babysit. They just don't like to get their hands dirty. I feel envious of friends who have help and weekly childcare plus option to go away if needed. They honestly don't know how lucky they are.

wingingit1987 · 10/08/2023 22:29

My mum never ever babysits. Even when i was in labour with subsequent children- she would only babysit if someone came to help her and even at that- she would disappear out to the shops etc and leave the other person. I hasten to add- she is fit, well and only in her mid-50’s. Husband and I juggle childcare between us for work and seldom do anything just us (date night once every year, sometimes skipping a year). I don’t mind generally- my kids, my problem etc.
A while back she made a comment about how she couldn’t wait for my sister to have kids so she could retire and look after her child for her to go to work. I thought that was a bit rubbish when she has never offered to help us in that regard.

misssunshine4040 · 10/08/2023 22:36

YANBU it absolutely sucks. I have none either and I try not to compare or get jealous but it does sting.